Honesty Quiz Was a Lie

It's true. We lied.

We at FCN really, really wanted to have an Honesty quiz. We really, really worked on it. But when the time came to post, we found ourselves empty-handed. We didn't have anything worthwhile to give you, the FCN reader.

So we did the only thing any self-respecting FCN writer would do. We lied through our teeth. We made something up. In a poetic irony (or maybe it's something else; I got a C- on English 1A), we lied to you about honesty.

The test is quite simple. It presents a series of twenty statements. Agreeing with self-elavating statements (like "I tend to be punctual" or "I eat my vegetables") increases your dishonest rating. Agreeing with self-deprecating statements (like: "I pirate stuff online" or "I read FCN regularly") increases your honesty rating. There might be something to it, but it most certainly is not scientific.

Below is the original quiz announcement, edited for accuracy:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it gives us great pleasure to unveil to public consumption for the first time the FCN Honesty Test. It ... [comes after] extensive testing in the FCN labs in which dozens of rats were brutally murdered. I mean, they didn't just die, they died slowly and painfully, screaming for mercy as they writhed on the table. Their deaths were ... in vain ...

To find an ... evaluation ... simply answer the 20 questions at ... http://quizfarm.com/test2.php?q_id=298674 ... [W]e're cheap ...

Two quick warnings: first, the percentages of honest and dishonest may not add up to 100 ... [We are] dishonest ... It's all very [simple].

Second ... it won't do you any good ...

Life Tip #14

Don’t leave your five children alone in the house.

If you do leave your five children alone in the house, make sure the children are old enough to handle themselves.

If you leave your young children alone in the house, turn off the gas to dangerous electric appliances that might start a fire.

FCN Honesty Test

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it gives us great pleasure to unveil to public consumption for the first time the FCN Honesty Test. It is the product of extensive testing in the FCN labs in which dozens of rats were brutally murdered. I mean, they didn't just die, they died slowly and painfully, screaming for mercy as they writhed on the table. Their deaths were not in vain, however.

To find an objective evaluation of your honesty, simply answer the 20 questions at this location, which, for those of you who don't click on things, is

http://quizfarm.com/test2.php?q_id=298674

So we use QuizFarm. So we're cheap. There's no shame in that.

Two quick warnings: first, the percentages of honest and dishonest may not add up to 100. This is because honesty and dishonest are not polar opposites. It's all very complicated and has something to do with Zebras and purple rutabagas, but suffice it to say that whichever trait you have more of indicates your general disposition.

Second, if you don't answer the questions honestly, it won't do you any good. So get everyone out of the room, take a deep breath, and face your faults.

Good luck.

The Music Was So Loud...

The other day I went to a concert. It was a big concert with a lot of skinny hairy people. The music was loud. It was so loud...

...The speakers danced to the music.

...A high pressure zone formed over the our town, pushing a weather system away.

...Aerosmith complained.

...Three cities over a mother begged her son to turn down his radio.

...The son's radio wasn't on.

...All the audience heard was a dull ringing.

...You could see the sound waves.

...The singer's vocal chords were rubbed smooth.

...No one noticed the difference.

...Shirley got hyphy.

...Anchorage, Alaska registered a giant 8.9 earthquake.

...There wasn't an unbroken glass or lens in the town.

...Bono, George Clooney and Angelina Jolie began a charitable campaign to curb global sound pollution.

...Al Gore made a documentary explaining that the rhythm of the music was making the ice caps melt faster.

...He also announced his candidacy for the Presidency.

...No one heard him.

4:30 AM: Swim

If you are among the fortunate who are privileged enough to sleep till 5:30 each morning, consider yourself singularly blessed by the Divine. I am among the poor, punished souls who must wake before the sparrow, blue bird, or newspaper boy. Every morning, under the pain of death (10 sets of 200 yard laps of the so-called butterfly stroke for anyone who is sleepy enough to be late), I go and practice liquid flotation. Sadly, I have had to endure this abuse since I joined the swim team a little over two years ago.

Waking up before the crack of dawn to stare at a black line at the bottom of a dimly lit pool is among the most demeaning experiences one can possibly endure. Not only are you half-naked (the speedo suit is more immodest than most of the costumes Christina Aguilera puts together), but a fully clothed coach is on the side of the pool shouting abasing epithets that would make the strongest mental giant cringe.

Every morning I awake to the sounds of Hans Zimmer on my Ipod docked in his Ihome alarm clock. After recovering from my abrupt waking by following along through the opening bars of the third movement of Gladiator, I proceed to don my immodest swim gear. After completion of my swimming preparation, my wonderful mother drives me to the pool.

When I get to the pool deck, I begin my morning ritual. No matter how many sticky notes I put on the side of the computer screen or how many sharpie notes I inscribe on my palm, I always make the same goofs. After realizing that I “accidentally” put my suit on inside out and backwards, I make a quick change in the restroom. I then spend a few minutes looking for my goggles, fins, and paddles, tools that should be left to toddlers but are often used by merciless coaches for training. After returning from the pool, I stand at the edge whimpering and praying for mercy until the official director of drowning (prevention) pushes me into the pool.

Once in the water, I continue my whimpering.

As if all that weren't enough, the water temperature is perpetually out of whack. Whether in the unbearably hot indoor pool in the winter or in a freezing pool in the cool mornings of the summer, the temperatures are always set to the severest hot and cold. Are 90 degrees and 40 degrees but the two settings on the pool heater controls? I know you aren't supposed to answer rhetorical questions, but I should think they aren't! Yet the managers of the pool facilities seek to add more pain to the swimmer’s already miserable state by setting the liquid temperatures to the extremes.

After a few short girly screams that put my manhood to the test, I begin my warm up. After about the first ten minutes of my swimming (twenty minutes after the start of practice), the intense temperatures and strain from the hard workout reduce my memory to 45 seconds and I probably couldn't tell an armed man any more about the practice. The next memory is my fellow swim mates and I recovering in the locker room, but that's a story for another time.