Life Tip #94

Don't drink twice the legal alcohol limit.

If you are going to get drink twice the legal alcohol limit, don't drive.

If you are going drive after drinking twice the legal alcohol limit, don't keep doing it after your 8th DUI ticket.

If you are on your 9th DUI ticket for drinking twice the legal alcohol limit, it's probably easier to just pull over instead of slamming into several parked vehicles, destroying neighborhood yards, and fleeing from a police officers before crashing into a tree.

The mushy date

Unlucky in love, I decided to revamp my dating approach. I needed something that would bring my style more in line with the famous schmoozers of TV and movies. I needed to be Cary Grant or even Hugh Grant at the height of their studliness (to clarify, not in car in Los Angeles or any other compromising location). Ever notice how movies always show the most romantic lines? "Here's looking at you, kid." "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Could it get any sexier?

After enduring several hours of chick flick research, I discovered a common thread behind every Matthew McConaghey or Bryan Goesling character: They turn every comment into something sweet and flattering about their date. "How are you doing?" is answered "Great, now that you are here." Your favorite number is always two, "because that's what we are together -- a couple." It's not a dream about the future, it's a dream about our future together.

It takes practice to be mushy, but if a two-bit street performer turned Hollywood big shot can do it, I can give it a try.

Grethel and I met at a race. She and I had both run relaxing first miles and I caught up to her about midway through the second. She was taking the race easy, treating it like a "B" competition. I was planning on setting a season mark when I spotted her a few hundred yards ahead of me. You guys know what I mean by "spotted." I sprinted to catch up and was out of breath by the time I reached her.

I was huffing too heavily to get out anything comprehensible, but she glanced my way as I slowed into her pace. It took one look -- one simple glance -- and I surrendered my race objective. I didn't care anymore how fast I ran. Maybe, I thought ruefully, my favorite number is one. Then, thinking of the implications of a slow pace on my final placing, I figured it wasn't.

"Hey....hey..." She removed her headphones. "Hey..." I had a hard time getting the words out. How far had I sprinted? This wasn't very flattering.

"Hey." Her emotionless response didn't seem tired at all. How was she so fresh? I huffed more for a few seconds before she started to replace her headphones. NOOOO! Had to beat the buds.

"Can I have your number?" I gasped. She smiled and increased her pace. I wouldn't be able to keep up. "Can I? Can I?" I called after her.

After the race I saw her again. She gave me her number with a weird grin so I checked to make sure it wasn't the rejection hotline while she was still in sight. It wasn't. When she answered, I set up a date to a calorie-laden Italian food joint on our town's main thoroughfare.

Grethel came through the door at Oreida, a family diner with excellent french fries, wearing a light blue blouse fastened above her stomach to give the appearance of a maternity garment. As she approached my table, I bit back a comment comparing her to Katherine Heigl.

"Did it hurt?" I began.

"Did what hurt?" Grethel bit!

"Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?" I felt pretty smug. Grethel's strained smile told me I wasn't the first person to try that line. I would have to be more creative.

Grethel started talking about another runner on her team who did something or other and before she got through all the details I had zoned out and was watching Sports Center reruns on the TV in the corner of the dining room.

"C?" Grethel called me back to reality. Be mushy, I remembered.

"Sorry, I just keep getting lost in your eyes. See, Grethel, your eyes are blue like the ocean and I just keep getting lost at sea" This was working. After I told Grethel that if I could rearrange the alphabet I would "put I and U together," that I was a "thorn by a rose" and "found" her smile in my back pocket, I ordered another side of fries.

Before we left Oreida, I asked for Grethel's hand. She gave it to me and I marked a line down the center with my finger. I explained that this line was a river and that there was a bunny on one side of the river who wanted to cross over to the other. Grethel asked why he didn't just swim across. I explained that the bunny couldn't swim, that the river was too big to jump and the bunny was a "she." Grethel nodded and asked what the point was. "I don't know," I answered, "I just wanted to hold your hand."

Grethel explained she had to return to work and thanked me for lunch. I wished her an excellent afternoon. It had been a lot of work, but Grethel seemed to be digging the mushiness.

More Reasons We Hate America

It's taken us two years to do, but we finally have two more reasons why America is not the bomb.

Military Spending

The USA spends more on its military than any other nation in the world. In fact, it spends more than nine times more than the runner up, China (Woo! Go China!). That's appalling. It demonstrates a brutality and naivete that is second to none.

First, it says: America is the good guy, so it's justified in spending money on guns. But that doesn't logically follow. You know what we call countries that love war enough to spend six hundred and fifty trillion dollars on it each year? War mongers. And war mongers shouldn't be allowed to have guns. The only people who should are the ones who don't.

Second, it says: America has lots of enemies. Which is also something of a chicken and the egg. How many foreign soldiers are positioned in or threatening America? Probably somewhere between zero and none. How many American soldiers are positioned in or threatening foreign countries? Hundreds of thousands, bro. No wonder everyone hates us, which is why we convince ourselves we need a big army. Maybe if we spent less on tanks and more on flowers, people would suddenly stop hating us.

Government Structure
America is divided into fifty states; each of those states have counties and those counties have cities. Except for LA. That city has counties. Anyway, millions of dollars are spent on each election (in campaigns and administrative costs), but Americans can't seem to stop holding them. They vote on all kinds of things. There are thousands and thousands of elected officials in America, and thousands of thousands of voter-approved laws.

The whole country is enslaved by popular opinion, caught up in this democracy fad that's been taking off over the last few centuries. Everyone has an opinion about something, and precious time is wasted making sure everyone gets their say. What a waste! Consider a form of government that has been far more popular historically - in fact, it's been somewhere on the planet for thousands and thousands of years. Despotism is hyper efficient. It tosses out all these stuck-up notions of equality in favor of a system where accountability goes in just one direction: from the top down.


Now go enjoy your fireworks. But not too much.

Baby Showers: The Bane of Single Women

If you are reading this and you're a man, be grateful, because that means you will never have to go to a baby shower! I think to most men, baby showers are mysterious events and they secretly wish they could someday attend one. But showers are really quite simple and not that much fun.

The concept is similar to that of a birthday party - bring a present and eat food. But the atmosphere is much different. For the young, unmarried lady, baby showers can often be torturous.

For the first half-hour or so while the guests arrive, everyone will sit around and just chat, subtly - and sometimes not-so-subtly - inquiring into the romantic lives of the unmarrieds. Regardless of whether or not the young lady's state of singleness is by choice or necessity, she will be the object of pity and advice will come flowing in so that she, too, can one day be in the same happy, 8-months-pregnant condition of the guest of honor.

After the greetings are dispensed with, food eaten, and more advice given, it is finally time to open the presents. At last, the single young lady thinks, I will be left in peace.

But she finds no relief during this activity, either. As the expectant mother unwraps gift after gift, the other mothers in the group will ooh and aah, exclaiming over the usefulness of each gift.

"Boppys are the greatest! You can use them to prop up the baby while nursing or while sitting on the floor and a bunch of other stuff!"

"I love my Diaper Genie! My nursery used to reek from all the dirty diapers, but the Genie totally hides the smells!"

"A Hooter Hider! That thing is awesome! I wish it had been around for my first 3 kids, but for the last one it was great. I could totally nurse anywhere in public and no one could complain."

"Diapers...yeah, you'll be using a lot of them!"

"Awww, what a cute onesie! You'll definitely need a lot of those! Between spit-up and the rest, they get dirty all the time!"

"A baby booger sucker! You're going to want one of those with you all the time. It works great on adults, too!"

By this time the young ladies in the group will have a look of horror on their faces. TMI, people, TMI! The variety of presents and accompanying comments is enough to make anyone uninitiated in the ways of motherhood lose her breakfast.

Typically, present opening will be followed by a mediocre chocolate-with-raspberry-filling cake. The kind hostess will serve each of the single ladies a particularly small piece. After all, they're not eating for two and must maintain their figure if they're ever to get married!

A Morning Walk.

Welcome! Thank you for joining us on today’s jog. Please keep your hands and feet close to your body at all times, as excess motion may result in collision with passing objects. Begin by sending action potentials to your left leg muscles. Your appendage should flex so as to boost itself from the ground. Use the liquid in your ears to balance on one lower limb - you don't want to collapse on the concrete. Now set your shoe down a few feet in front of where you lifted it from.

Proceed with the same method for the second leg. Repeat. Speed up the process and continue to reiterate the system. Use your upper limbs to maintain equilibrium, swinging them back and forth like pendulums.

So now you need to breathe.

Open your mouth and take care that your tonsils are not in the way. Use your lower diaphragm muscles to expand your lungs, creating a vacuum and sucking atmosphere into your chest cavity. Be careful not to inhale any passing insects. After the oxygen has been absorbed by your lungs, use your abdominal muscles to exhale.

Congratulations! You have crossed the street. Please join us next week when we eat a cheeseburger!