Etiquette Monday: How to Never Leave the House

Some days, you just don't want to get up out of bed. And if you must get out of bed, you just want to sit in front of the TV or the computer and chill. Eat some junk food, read some FCN, take a little nap. Don't do laundry or dishes or open the shades.

And sometimes, this urge can stretch on into the next day. And the next week.

There's nothing wrong with that. But unfortunately, your friends and relatives will start getting concerned about you and/or try to make you "snap out of it and start living again." Here are some handy tactics to keep that from happening.

The Power Surge

Update your Facebook status to: "[Your Name] lost cell phone and computer in power surge. Everything is down until my next paycheck!" It is imperative that you do not sign into chat, answer email or your phone, or text until you're ready to resurface.

The Family Emergency

Engage in luxuriously sporadic online/communication activity. When you do, preface every email with "Sorry about the delay. I'm in the middle of a family crisis." Preface every text with "cant talk family issues." Be prepared to explain yourself to any family members that ask what's up. The two easiest explanations: it's personal, i can't tell you yet.

The Dutch Hermit

Go off the radar. If anyone asks, say you have asthma. If they say that's no excuse, get indignant and ask if they have asthma. If they don't have asthma, point out that they couldn't possibly understand what you're going through. If they do have asthma, say they must not have a severe case like yours or they would know better than to say such things.

The Decepticon Attack

Send a strange, out-of-character email to everyone in your address book with a link to a suspicious website. A few hours later, send out another email apologizing. Say that you've been hacked and you're not sure how bad it is yet. When you subsequently go off the radar, no one will wonder why.

The Picasso

Lock your doors, shut your windows. Set your Facebook status to: "[Your Name] is having a burst of GENIUS!" Play classical music as loudly as possible by your front door. When you leave your hermitude and people ask you what happened, say it's not quite ready to reveal to the world yet but you'll show them in due time. Eventually everyone will forget it happened. This method can be repeated but not too often, or people will demand proof of your genius.

The Charitable Vacation

Lock your house up firmly. Tell everyone you're going to Congo to help dig wells to help send starving impoverished african children with cancer and AIDS to college. Don't ever leave your house or move near an open window until your "return."

The Sesame Void

Invite everyone you know to a Sesame Street Marathon at your house. With more than four solid months of programming that none of your friends want to watch, you won't have any trouble explaining your following absence.

The Silent Treatment

Use gmail. Program the following autoreply, to be used on all incoming emails:

"It's obvious this is going nowhere. I'm not speaking to you until you sort yourself out."

When you come out of hiding, act as if nothing has happened. If anyone asks about it, raise your eyebrows and say: "Let's not discuss it right now."


There you have it! Your very own passport to your very own undisturbed backyard. Got any more ideas on how to stay away from society? Comment away!

Ettiquette Monday: How to Panhandle

We've all been panhandled. Most of us have given money. Most of us have also refused to give money. The difference between a successful beggar and an unsuccessful one is a fine one, and when you're in a pinch and need dough fast you don't have time to get good. This is a critical skillset to the modern human being; so you really ought to start practicing panhandling right away, using the techniques and methods described below.

First, what is panhandling exactly? According to the interwebs, panhandling is "to request a donation in a supplicating manner. Beggars are commonly found in public places, such as street corners or public transport, where they request money such as spare change. They may use cups, boxes or hats to receive the donations."

Panhandling is about getting money from people and getting nothing in return. Pretty sweet deal, right? Right. But less than 5% of people do it properly. Learn these methods, carefully perfected over many years of incredibly tacky poverty:

The View Blocker

Get up in the prospect's business and beg loudly and insistently for money until they give it to you. Do not attempt on men with tattoos or women with large purses.

The Passive Invite

Walk up to the person and stand about ten feet away, then stare at them so sadly that they ask you how they can help you. This method is much more effective on women.

The Vietnam Vet

You don't have to have ever been in Vietnam to be a Vietnam Vet. Just pull on a dirty green jacket, boots, and don't shave for a few days. Talk about how you can't find work because of wounds you sustained serving your country.

The Gulf War II Vet

If you're panhandling someone with an Obama bumper sticker, say you were wounded in Bush's illegal attack on Iraq.

The Public Charity

If you see a young couple on a date, tell the guy that he looks like the sort of upstanding charitable person who can spare some money for the poor. Without waiting for a response, compliment the gal on how lucky she is to have such a generous guy.

The Rehab Rat

Tell the prospect you need five bucks or they'll take you back to rehab. Surprisingly few people question this logic.

The Presumptive Close

Immediately thank the person for the five bucks they are about to give you. This is most effective on people who have just been in a car accident or are having an asthma attack.

The Matter of Great Urgency

Run up the prospect frantically and say you need five bucks. Be jumping up and down. Panic. Communicate that it's a matter of life and death. Clap your hands quickly and motion at the wallet or purse. Remind the person to hurry before it's too late. Then - and this is important - run like heck.

The Soon-to-be Dad

In a popular twist on the Matter of Great Urgency, tell the prospect that your wife is having a baby and you need gas money to get her to the hospital.

The Honest Abe

Tell the prospect that you're going to be completely honest with them, and that you'll use the money to buy drugs.

The Dishonest Abe

Tell the prospect that you're going to be completely honest with them, and that you won't use the money to buy drugs.

The Spy

Hold one hand to your ear. Tell the prospect you need them for a matter of national security. Lead them around a corner. Then peak around and say: "Rats! They followed me. Okay, quick - give me five bucks." When finished, tell the person to wait there because They didn't see your face yet. Then run like heck.

The Counterfeit Checker

After watching someone exit a store, tell them that a lot of counterfeit fives circulating in the area. Offer to to check theirs to see if they're okay. Then run like heck. This tactic is ill advised for prospects who can run faster than you.

The Concert Violinist

Tell the prospect that you're a world-class violinist who hit harsh times. You had to sell your family heirloom violin and now you're on the streets, but with a few more bucks you can get your violin back.

The Faux Lottery

Print out erroneous lottery tickets and sell them for a dollar each. Remind suspicious prospects that direct selling is "the old fashioned way."

These are, of course, just a few methods to get you started. Now go out and practice! Got your own ideas and methods? Comment below and help out your fellow washed-up readers.

Etiquette Monday: How to Avoid Paying for a Date

Let's face it: your association with this blog doesn't speak well to your ability to be the life of the party. Do people tend to look at you weird? Do you often wish you could smooth-talk someone into doing what you wanted? Are you often making embarrassing mistakes?

If you answered yes to any of those questions (and even if you didn't), you stand to benefit from the next few week's worth of Mondays. That's right, kids. Today, we begin Etiquette Monday. Let's start with one of the most important topics known to man: How to Avoid Paying for a Date.

If You're a Girl

Bat your eyelashes at your date and compliment him on being such a gentleman.

If You're a Boy

Well then. Things get complicated. Let's dig in.

Choosing a Restaurant

Restaurants that are well prepared to deal with dine-and-dashers are poor choices for a date. How do you spot these bistros? If they have security guards, a maitre d' with a tie, or any of the cooks have tattoos. Also, Denny's is a terrible choice.

Fast food restaurants don't serve you until you've paid. Never ever try a stunt there. You'll end up looking stupid at best.

Your best bet is to find a middle-of-the-road joint (somewhere between Baker's Square and Applebee's) that trusts its customers but won't go bankrupt if you can't shoulder the bill. Most such places smell classy enough that your date will be at least somewhat impressed.

Parking

Park away from the restaurant, but not too far away. Do not park in a position easily visible from within. Best case: park it around back where the employees park (provided they have a rear exit to the parking lot). If you have no other options, park on a side street. Visualize an escape route as you walk to the restaurant.

Finding a Table

The two things to stay away from are the restrooms and exits. If the restaurant has multiple exits, sit further away from the rear ones (which are more tactically useful). Try to find a table with a blocked line of sight; one which makes it impossible to clearly see anything. At the very least, claim the table with the best view of the doors so your date will have her back to them. Best case: dining on a rear patio, a casino buffet, or in a basement.

If you're being seated and you know where you want to sit, tell the maitre d' that such and such table has special meaning to you and you'd like to sit there again. They will usually accommodate.

The Old School Dine and Dash

Many people attempt the big double D but not many can pull it off correctly, often because they don't have the patience. It requires coordination and teamwork and is pretty risky, but it can be a great bonding experience with your date as opposed to most of the other tactics here which force her to pay.

Here's how it's done:

1) Establish to the waiter that you two are madly in love. Ideas: Order things to split, never stop staring at/touching each other, giggle at what the other person says. This will make you seem absent-minded and endearing while still slightly annoying the waiter so he won't miss you much.
2) Be nice to the waiter. This will prevent him from getting really really mad when you're gone and going after you.
3) Order big. You want to be able to eat your fill while still leaving lots of food on the table.
4) Wait for the waiter to check up on your table. This usually happens about 5-10 minutes after your food is served. When it is, give him a nearly full cup to refill, all the while staring into your date's eyes. This will establish that you don't need any help from him for awhile. Be sure you still have at least 50% of your food still on your plate.
5) Immediately after the waiter leaves, look at your cell phone as if you're getting a call on vibrate. Stand slowly, looking apologetically at your date, then put the phone to your ear and begin a conversation in very quiet tones as you walk quickly outside (to take the call). Take your date's purse with you. If you walk quickly enough people will assume there is a reason for it.
6) Go to your car and start the engine.
7) One hundred seconds later, your date should open her own cell phone as if to check the time. Then she should roll her eyes and walk quickly out of the restaurant. Because she is without her purse, it will occur to no one that she is leaving for good.
8) Skedaddle.

The choreography of the Old School DD is so well rehearsed and familiar to us FCN boys that we could do it in our sleep. Unfortunately, it's becoming a bit too popular. With dining staff becoming increasingly wary and cynical, new techniques for exiting the restaurant as a couple are arising, most of them involving public/explained exits. A few popular ones:

The New School Dine and Dash

Suddenly grab your date's purse and run out of the building. Have your date chase you, laughing. Never come back.

The Hokie Pokie

Break up with your date, leaving her in tears. Walk out of the building and have her follow you, begging you not to leave her. Never come back.

The Dutch Slide

Have an asthma attack. Recall that you left your inhaler in the car. Lean on your date as she helps you out. Never come back.

The Mambo

Get into a fight with your date. Start shouting at each other; continue until a dining staff person asks you to take it outside. Do so. Never come back.

The Old Friend

Spot an old mutual friend outside. Run out together to greet him, calling his name. Never come back.

The Good Riddance

Find a hair in the food. Scream and yell in shock together as if you're about to make a huge scene, then run from the building. Never come back.

Of course, you will probably find in many cases that your date is unreceptive to ethically questionable behavior. That's perfectly okay. If she wants to pay for the meal, that's her privilege. Here's how to get away from her around check time:

The Star Trek

Go into the bathroom. Hide until you're sure she's given up and gone home.

The Bait and Switch

Go into the bathroom. Text her saying that there was a family emergency and you had to leave. This works best if you arrived at the restaurant in separate cars.

The Ol' Forgot My Wallet Trick

When the check comes, tell your date that you've got it covered. Reach into your back pocket and register surprise. Then check all your other pockets. Wait for your date to ask you what's wrong. Tell her you think you left your wallet in the car. Run out to get it. Never come back.

The Nemo

Get a call on vibrate. Tell her it's from your brother the submarine captain. Take the call outside. Never come back.

The Lost Hero

See an old lady getting mugged outside. Run out to assist her. Never come back.

The Dutch Stag

Get an asthma attack. Tell your date you left your inhaler in your car. Never come back.

The Bus Stop

Be deeply offended and angered by something your date says. Go outside to cool off. Never come back.

The Leprechaun

Find an earing on the ground (that means coming prepared and seeding the carpet when she's not looking). Say that you think it belongs to that old lady who just left. Run out to give it back to her. Never come back.

The Discriminateur

Notice that something is wrong with the food. Go to complain to the kitchen. Never come back.

The Surprise

Tell your date you have a surprise for her, and that she should close her eyes. Never come back.

This is of course an inexhaustive list, but hopefully it's enough to get you thinking along the right lines. Skipping the check means thinking fast, adapting to the situation, and acting totally sincere no matter what. Remember: if you look confident, people won't stop you. The moment a flash of guilt crosses your face you're finished.

Be fast, smooth, and confident, and you'll never have to pay for a date again.