My Pumps

What I gonna get to match these pumps?

These cute little classy high heel pumps ?

I'ma gonna get get get these shoes,

Get these shoes I love so much.

My pumps, my pumps, my pumps, my pumps, my pumps,

My pumps, my pumps, my pumps, my lovely high heel pumps.

You may call me lazy,

Stillettos drive me crazy,

I just can't dig those flip flops,

Designer's such a rip off,

Mizrahi and J Lo,

Gucci, Ferragamo,

Coach, Dolce, Sarto,

they cost way too much dough.

Sister, I ain't fakin',

my bank account is breakin'

Open toe, closed toe

I try to stop but I can't help it

So I keep on spendin'

An' this is the beginning

I feel like I'm winnin'

Payless BOGO now I'm grinnin'.

My pumps (pumps), my pumps, my pumps, my pumps (pumps)

I love my high heel pumps (pumps)

My pumps, my pumps, my pumps (pumps),

My pumps they got me

Lookin' for clearance,

(Oh) lookin' through those outlet shops, and hitting auctions online

Lookin' for clearance,

(Oh) lookin' through those outlet shops, and findin', those savings

What I gonna do with all those pumps?

All those pumps I bought last week?

It would make make make you freak

To see the pumps I bought last week

My closet ain't near big enough

To hold all of my shoes and stuff

It would make make make you jump

To see my pile of high heel pumps

My pumps, my pumps, my pumps, my pumps, my pumps, (what!)

My pumps, my pumps, my pumps, my lovely high heel pumps.

The New Postal Workers’ Creed

Neither snow nor rain nor heat of day nor gloom of night

Nor declining mail volume

Nor changed routes

Nor anthrax

Nor rising postage rates

Nor crazed eBay vendors

Nor elderly suspected terrorists

Nor the annual 102 billion pieces of junk mail

Nor stupid pranksters

Nor the Unabomber

Nor rabid dogs

Shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

O's Inauguration Address

One of the most anticipated speeches of the new year is undoubtedly O's Inaugural Address, the speech he will give today after taking the oath of office as the 44th President of the United States. Through devious and irresponsible ways, FCN was able to obtain a late draft of the address -- one of the shortest on record for any modern President -- and we republish it here without permission:

President Bush Jr., distinguished guests, rediscovered family and my fellow citizens, the peaceful transfer of power is rare in history, yet common in our country. George, if you can pick this broadcast up in your Kenyan hut, the peaceful transfer of power is something your country could emulate. I'm just saying...that...with a simple oath, we affirm old traditions and make new beginnings. We draw the curtain on the past and begin a new genesis. We end old dynasties and start new ones. Do you hear that Malia Anne?

As I begin, I thank the outgoing President for his service to our nation. He did not deface public property by removing all the “O” letters from White House keyboards. For that, my administration and the American taxpayer are grateful.

And I thank Senator McCain for a contest conducted with the experience granted only by age. You had a lot of experience, Senator. Thank you for coming today. I know this is early for you and it’s pretty chilly out. But thanks for showing just the same.

As we stand here in this cold, I can’t help but blame former Vice President Al Gore for his effectiveness at curbing global warming. If he were less enthusiastic about eliminating the green house effect and halting the rise of world temperatures, we might be comfortable right now. I might be delivering this august address in shorts and a Hawaii shirt – ‘cause I’m from Hawaii and it would be warmer.

The weather aside, I am honored and humbled to stand here, on this stage that was erected in my honor and will be removed by minimum wage employees after we all go. Minimum wage employees, I might add, who will see a pay increase under my administration if I am able to clear the idea with my conservative cabinet. I am honored and humbled to stand here in front of all you people, almost as many as came out to my little thing in Germany and watch Reggeasänger Patrice, a German pop band Reamonn, a British DJ named Mantu, and me, Barack O’Bama, on a jumbotron. I mean, that was a great experience -- to be lauded by the world like that -- but this is an honor too.

We all have a story, all of us do. Some of our stories are an impromptu collection of chapters, hastily composed and poorly themed. Others have an anthology of words they tie together loosely under the banner of a message. That was McCain's flaw. I have the distinction of having a carefully marketed and highly honed message that is targeted at inspiring hope, passion and resolve among those who hear it. My story is effective because of its ability to motivate, change and motivate change.

You all know my story – it was in that Ross Perot-inspired infomercial before the election – so I won’t get into it now. It’s also really cold -- I can hear Michelle’s teeth chattering all the way over here -- and the punch may get cold if I keep you too long. But you can YouTube it. It’s an American story – about an American who was born in America with a credible American birth certificate and living American witnesses who verify his American legal status.

That was supposed to be an applause line, but we can’t have everything we want, right?

And that was supposed to be a joke. I should probably fire my speech writers. Maybe I’ll give them another chance because they wrote such a good story for me.

Oh. Not again. We seem to have a fainting. Someone fell down. Would you clear a space, please? Let her breathe. Do we have a medic? Some kind of paramedic or nurse or doctor? Here, I have a water bottle. Good thing too. She just needs to have a drink. Clear a path. Let her breathe...

This is what happens when you make history. People faint. It’s also what happens when you don’t eat breakfast or are dehydrated, but history making will do the trick too.

Gosh it’s cold. Did you know that William Henry Harrison died one month after his inaugural address after catching pneumonia at a very cold and wet March 4th inauguration? His speech was over 8,000 words long and took over two hours to read. I didn’t know it either. One of the secret service agents in the armored limo told me on the way up. Sure makes you want to wrap yourself up in some mink or other cute-creature fur and warm away the shivers, doesn’t it?

In fact, I’ve been told – I don’t know this for a fact – but I’ve been told that there is a heat warmed blanket waiting for me in the tinted window limo. That’s the reason we abandoned the retractable hardtop idea and opted for the tinted windows. So get that blanket warmed up, will you Rahm Emanuel? Thanks.

Oh it’s ready now?

Well ladies and gentlemen and George, if you could tune in, that’s about all I wanted to cover in this, my first official oration as President. Let me end by giving the news media a few quotable quips:

"An angel still rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm." That’s from Bush’s inauguration address eight years ago. It’s a good line.

"Intellect distinguishes between the possible and the impossible; reason distinguishes between the sensible and the senseless. Even the possible can be senseless." That’s Max Born.

"I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem. But we never hear that side of the story." That was Lily Allen, the singer. And by the way, I’m trying to quit smoking.

"Hope springs eternal." That’s me. Hope.

God bless you all, and God bless America.

FCN Classic: Top 10 Fairy Tales You Were Never Told As A Child

Yeah, yeah. I know. You graduated from Fairy Tales and don't plan on returning until you have children. But these Fairy Tales aren't the ones you were told as “bedtime stories” or picked up when you first learned to read. Those had the distinct disadvantage of being false; these have the advantage of being funny.

Here they are; the Top 10 Fairy Tales You Were Never Told As A Child:

10. Three Kind Mice. The charming story of three friendly rodents who learn the importance of being gracious and generous.

9. Alice in Blunderland. A collection of exciting children's stories that follow the life and times of a young girl (Alice) who falls down a Rabbit Hole and starts tripping over things.

8. Hassel and Gretel. An endearing story about a brother and sister who cause a lot of problems for their parents.

7. Rapulzive. The oddly poetic tale of a disgusting young critter with hair like Davy Jones who is locked up in a castle.

6. Cindersella. Story of a beautiful princess who forces her sisters to cut off their toes and peck out their eyes so she can marry the handsome prince.

5. Rumpeledstillskinny. A bedtime story (literally). An old man lays down to sleep in a last ditch attempt to gain weight (he figures he is burning too many calories by staying awake). When he rises from his bulimic slumber, years later, he is still thin. He lives happily ever after.

4. The Golden Gecko. Sponsored by Geico. The Gecko lays an egg which has various magical powers.

3. Snoring Beauty. In this enchanting story, a beautiful princess is discovered by a buff prince because of the noises she makes while sleeping.

2. The Big Mermaid. In this delectable tale, a mermaid discovers she doesn't need Curves to develop body confidence.

1. Ali Baba and the Forty Muslims. A delightful story about the Religion of Peace.

Footnotes

While in an empty library with a couple of (female) friends, I improvised a few lines to Brad Paisley's Ticks. When I got to class, I punched out the following. Enjoy.

Every time you read your book
In this quiet library
Give that page another look
Cause me to reverie
And on the cover there of your text
I see my favorite author
I'd like to see what you read next
And get to know more

Hey that gives me an idea
Let's get out of this class
Walk down into the basement
And find a place to sit

Cause I'd like to see you out in the biographies
I'd like to kiss you way back by the quotes
I'd like to walk you through a shelf of dictionaries
And I'd like to check your footnotes

I know the perfect little path
Out in these books I used to read
Don't worry babe they've got some Longfello
And the life of Abbot and Costello
I'd hate to waste a calm like this
It'll be safe you wait and see
The only thing that interrupts this bliss
When we get there is me

You know every guy in here today
Would like to take you home
But I've got way more class than them
And that ain't what I want

Cause I'd like to see you out in the biographies
I'd like to kiss you way back by the quotes
I'd like to walk you through a shelf of dictionaries
And I'd like to check your footnotes

Ooo-ooo-ooh you never know where one might be
And ooo-ooo-oooh theres lots of places that are hard to read

I'd like to see you out in the biographies
I'd like to kiss you way back by the quotes
I'd like to walk you through a shelf of dictionaries
And I'd like to check your footnotes

Oh I'd sure like to check your footnotes