Paper Mâché

You have probably all been there: A major paper is due in a difficult class in a few hours and you have yet to touch fingers to keyboard. The midnight deadline looms over your evening like a bad haircut, darkening your brow and generally making you feel stressed out.

The path to this common discomfort was an easy one. Whole libraries could be filled with accounts of all the things that didn’t happen on the way to the blank spot on your computer’s hardrive where your paper should be. You attended to the assignment the way Britney attends to Sean Preston and Jayden James.

You committed to one topic in front of your Professor but you will respect that promise about as much as the Obamination did his federal campaign funding pledge. Who could have known how little research there is on the Ramen noodle diet. It was a rotten topic anyway. You also told your Professor you would get him the paper early for comments, but that deadline passed with the Forth of July Fireworks.

All you want out of this is a decent grade; something that won’t disqualify you from your scholarship or embarrass your parents too badly when they see the grade. If they see the grade. What you don’t like is having to write a paper.

Most students would rather have someone jam a screwdriver through their knee than grind out an assignment. After graduation, the additional income earned because of the bachelor’s degree could be put toward knee replacement surgery.

Unfortunately for you, the sadist hotline is down and none of your friends are handy or willing with a screwdriver, leaving you with nothing but a QWERTY keyboard and your own noodle. Technology has failed you again.

The library greets you with a musky small that shouts “old books.” Actually it whispers. You look around the room at the masses of students, scrambling like ants who forgot to prepare for winter. They’re procrastinators, but you can’t really scold them since you will soon be joining in.

Your cell phone buzzes. It’s a friend from high school who wants to talk. You shouldn’t, but you do. What’s another hour when you’ve already dawdled three weeks?

Printer Phobic

Everyone is afraid of something. I can't stand anything that has more than 6 legs. My grandma hates anything that has less than one. My sister is afraid of deep water. One of my buddies is achluophobic. He talked to his psychiatrist, but was told that there's not much anyone can do for someone who's 16 and still afraid of the dark. And my mom - she's printerphobic.

It all happened a few days ago. My mom had been trying to print on our Lexmark L51 Ink Jet, when she noticed the color cartridge was almost empty. She clicked the pause button and removed the ink canister. She extracted the new color cartridge of ink from its leak-proof protective covering and proceeded to click in into its place, when for no apparent reason, the machine came to life.

It is important to understand how a laser jet printer works. These printers consist of three main parts. The first is main unit or the outer-casing, which basically holds all the mechanics together. Then there are the electronics, which receive messages from the computer and tell the printer where to put the ink on the paper. Then there is the mechanics. On our printer, there are two ink canisters that slide back and forth on a track, spewing ink all over the page.

I remember little from the confusion that ensued. The two cartridges slide back into their printing positions. Because the color ink cartridge was not in place, it became stuck inside the printer. Unfortunately, the electronics was still telling the mechanics to print. Eventually, after much girly screaming on the part of my sister and mother (not mine by the way), my mom pressed the off button, shutting down the power.

After a few tests, my mother realized that the ink cartridge was stuck, and no amount of begging was going to get it to leave its hiding place. My mom took a screw driver and proceeded to tear the printer apart. The outer-casing separated pretty easily, splitting into two parts. Unfortunately, the ink cartridge had completely emptied its contents - all over the inside of the printer. My mom proceed to clean up the mess.

Almost three hours later, the printer was back and working. It makes a peculiar clicking noise whenever it prints, but my mom doesn't mind. She hasn't touched the printer since the incident. We don't know why the printer malfunctioned. I don't think we ever will. I can promise you that no one in our household is going to take apart the printer to find out why it makes that annoying clicking noise.

Everyone's afraid they'll become printerphobic too.