Spam spam spam spam spam spamalot

The other day I got up at the normal time (ten minutes before class) and started my morning routine: check email, shower, shave, and shine. It used to be just shower, shave, and shine, but then one day last April I performed those important functions and then slogged through a mile in the snow only to find that my class had been cancelled by email. And then, another day, I made the same mistake, minus the snow. So now I greet each morning with Gmail, the healthy way to start your day^TM.

Anyway, what I was saying is that on this particular morning, I found a surprise in my inbox: a generous offer for cheap software. It read something like this:

Adobe Acrobat Professional 9.0 available at the promotional price of $99.95 while supplies last! LIMITED SUPPLIES REMAIN. Don't miss out on this great deal! See details below.

I was shocked—but not because it was such a good offer. On the contrary, I knew it was a worse deal than those "authentic" hand-painted souvenir dishes in Mexico that you can by at a tenth the price from TG Max without having to heckle with a mustachioed drug-lord. I knew, because one time I had bought software at dirt cheap prices online, and received a pirated copy for my money. That was a pretty embarrassing experience, realizing that I could have just pirated it myself and got it for free.

No, the real reason I was shocked was that this spam had got through Gmail's fortress filter and penetrated my inbox. MY inbox. I couldn't believe it. I had almost forgotten what spam was.

I know there was a time when making a joke about spam was as clichéd as making a joke about Monty Python. Ah, those were the days. It was the dot-com era, and inboxes were full of special offers for insurance, online college degrees, cheap software, and (indeed) vjaqra. Everyone would always complain to their pals about the seventy messages in their two-megabyte inboxes and bemoan how much time they wasted sorting through them. But if they were like me, they secretly enjoyed it. In that pre-Facebook age, email was the most exciting way to kill time online. (Don't mention MySpace. It sucked. Still does.) Logging on for the tenth time in a day, seeing "five new messages" gave a certain adrenaline rush. In fact, if it weren't for Facebook, I probably would have had to go through detox like Dr. House, just to break my email habit.

But now, in the fifth year of Gmail, with powerful spam filters, unsubscription options, and the increasing irrelevance of email, I never expected to see spam with my own eyes. Skimming its contents was like gazing upon a relic of a bygone era, a cruder but fresher time when the primitive world had yet to crust over and ossify. Spam. Huh. What's next, a tamagotchi?

Dearest One,

Thanks to a faithful reader for forwarding this touching and inspiring message to us at Funny Class Notes. We were not the recipients of this email and therefore did not feel empowered to respond. We do, however, want to abuse our status as the slowest growing humor blog in cyberspace to raise awareness about the plight of Janet Fernandez (Mrs.). We are currently negotiating with a local park to organize a walk for her benefit. Funny Class Notes is also taking donations in her name. The funds will not be spent on Fernandez (Mrs.), but are being collected in her name nonetheless. In fact, if we get enough donation money, I may rent my next movie in her name. Without more ado, here's the email punctuated occasionally with our thoughts.

Dearest One,

I bring you greetings in the name of our creator, it is in my search for a reliable and God fearing person and having gotten your contact through prayers and pains taking efforts via searching i made on the internet on my bed side.

That must be some bedside. Remind me to get my number listed on the bedside "do not call list." In fact, there are really only a handful of people you should call from your bedside and, unless you are different "Janet," I don't think I'm one of them.

Presently, I'm in a hospital here in Abidjan-Cote D'Ivoire where I have been undergoing therapy treatment for Oesophagi Cancer.

No! Not Oesophagi Cancer! That's awful. Where is the Oesophagi, anyway? Wait, Did you mean: Oesophageal cancer Thanks Google!

Though its a sad and long story but I will cut it short for your quick and easy understanding. I am Janet Fernandez (Mrs), widow to Late Mr. Edward A. Fernandez, former Defence attachee to Benin Embassy in Germany. My husband was murdered in 2005 by those who are envious of his position in the same office leaving me with our only son Desmond.

Wouldn't that be "Edward A. Fernandez (Mr)?" Just a thought.

Before his death we were both born again christains and because of our new fond Love in Christ Jesus we both made a convenant with God to use his wealth for the down trodden,orphanages and the less privileged in the society. Having known my condition I decided to donate part of this money to an individual or better still a God fearing person who will utilize this wealth the way I am going to instruct herein. I want an individual that will adopt my only son, use part this wealth and provide succor to poor and indigent persons, orphanages, and widows and for the propagating peace.

I took this decision because I do not my child to suffere or continue to leave in this part of the world, moreover my late husband's relatives are not inclined to helping poor persons and I do not want my husband's hard earned wealth to be misused or spent in the manner in which my late husband did not specify. I do not want a situation where this wealth will be used in an ungodly manner which will be contrary to the convenant we made with God Almighty.

You know, whenever you have a major philanthropic endeavor or are going to be bequeath your life's wealth to someone to carry out your dieing wish and ensure that your progeny are well cared for, you can count on a handful of wet-behind-the-ears derelicts. You know you can. We will ensure that your son will never "leave" that part of the world and will devote the entire sum to helping indigent persons. Specifically, we will use it to help four indigent persons.

What is required of you is your honesty, trust and sincerity. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for another individual for this same purpose.

So you need our honesty, trust, sincerity and our speed. Don't forget that last one. Come to think of it, the last person who asked for my speed didn't seem very nice...

Please reply in case you are interested on this alternative email: janetfernandez39@gmail.com so that i will go into details and furnish you with all further informations.

May God Almighty bless you.
Janet Fernandez (Mrs)

Abidjan Cote D'Ivior in West Africa

We recently received the following email message [EDIT: No changes for spelling, grammar or content were made to this email correspondence. Proceed accordingly]:

Dearest One, Good day.

After going through your profile over your web site, I decided to contact you for your assistance in a financial transaction. My name is Miss Ujuh Tomms 16 years old, the only daughter of Late Chief Mr & Mrs Mel Tomms the Gold marchant in the captail city of Abidjan Cote d'Iviore in West Africa.

Please know that I have Eighteen Million Five hundred thousand dollars ($18.500.000) to invest in your country. This Fund was deposited by my late father in a prime bank here in my country before his sudden death on the 28th of July 2007 in a government hospital. But before his death, he made me to understand about the deposit in the bank and where to find the documents of prove of deposit and the origin of fund certificate having my names as the next of kin. Due to the cause of death of my later father which the medical doctor confirmed as food poision, I have no more confidence in my relatives because i may be the next target. This is why I decided to contact you to help me receive my inheritance on my behalf from the bank, after asuring on your cerdibility to assist me because of our relationship in the future over the investment project which we will agree together on the plans to achive sucess on lucrative investment in your country.

Please know that at my age now, I do not have a better financail education that can be sure of good managment over poor money decision that might take many years to over come. Kindly let me know if you are very serious to assist me so that we can discuss your pecentage for your kind assistance to me so that I can open up to you the contact of the bank to enable you contact them on my behalf for immedaite transfer condcut.

Please treat urgently because i am no longer save where I am now. Help me please.

Awaits your urgent response and a happy love in advance.

Love and prayers.

Yours.

Ujuh Tomms.

Such a heartwarming and tear-jerking phishing request demands a response. Here's what we came up with:

Dearest Ujuh Tomms 16 years old,

Good day.

Please know that we are amazed at the naïveté you demonstrate by contacting a bunch of complete strangers and acknowledged derelicts to manage your finances. Please also know that we are honored to have been chosen for such a momentous task.

We have a few questions about your wealth and the nature of your father's demise that must be answered before we can accept your offer. First, what kind of gold merchant was your father? Not to disrespect the deceased, but even dead people can have bad business dealings. In fact, most of the business dealings dead people enter into are bad. Was he an ingot dealer or did he sell fool's gold? That's not a pejorative question; I once made a fair penny selling pyrite to grade school kids. Alas, it was lost soon after in a tragic boating scam. But that's another story.

Second, how did your father die? You said food poisoning. Does that mean Salmonella or E. Coli or something more diabolical like razor blade in his hash browns? How do you know your mother wasn't involved in the plot and that your family didn't double cross her after the fact? Hadn't thought of that one, had you?

Third, what is the nature of your family feud? If we accept this money, will your relatives come after us with the Salmonella? Should we beef up FCN security? Should we hire a few more CTU agents to stake out the FCN lab?

Fourth, if you're willing to trust us with your Eighteen Million Five hundred thousand dollars ($18.500.000), we think you might as well go the whole hog. Why not send us your social security number, banking credentials, personal addresses, contact information, mother's maiden name and the corresponding low down of your arranged husband?

Finally, what kind of religious background do you come from? The daughter of an African chieftain who offers prayers at the end of a business letter? How common is that? Are your prayers normal prayers or do they bring some kind of dark nastiness that should be avoided like your relatives? Should I be scared of your prayers? Should I be counter-praying right now to neutralize your work?

We sincerely hope your financial situation resolves itself. 18 million bucks is a lot of moola and we'd hate to see that fall into undeserving hands. We pray you get your situation resolved before the Salmonella (and/or stealth razor blades) catch you.

Sincerely,

The FCN Team

We have yet to get a reply from Ujuh Tomms 16 years old, but when we do, we'll pass it along. In the meantime, any of you who wish to get in touch with her and maybe pass a word of encouragement or advice on how to avoid food poisoning or ask for a piece of her gigantic wealth, send us an email and we will forward her message to you.

Three on one with Mike Huckabee

Unsatisfied by our previous encounters with various presidential candidates, we followed the advice of our esteemed readers and tracked down the personal email address of Mike Huckabee. Note that this is not very easy to acquire. Uncle Wally broke a sweat over the keyboard and ended up getting the keys wet. We blew a fuse and had to go to the computer lab to continue working.



A transcript of the email conversation follows:



From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 9:17 AM
Subject Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Dear Mike (We hope you don't mind if we call you Mike):

We write for the humor blog FunnyClassNotes.Com and are seeking a candidate worthy of endorsement. We have a readership of eleven and counting and are set to take over cyberspace by the the spring of 79062826 AD. Are you interested? If so, we'd like to ask you a few questions.

Write back.

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 11:42 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

Hey guys. I remember one of my staff members mentioning your blog awhile ago. Great to hear from you.

I'm very interested in your endorsement and can't wait to get started. Ask away!

Mike

PS. I don't mind you calling me Mike. Everyone else does. I don't even know what it's short for anymore.




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee Date Sep 12, 2007 11:46 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: That's exciting! Who mentioned us? Was it complimentary?

Here's your first question: Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform, once called you a "serial tax increaser." What do you say to that?

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:13 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

It was Stacy who used to work at the campaign regional office headquarters in California. She was trying to explain her nervous breakdown and subsequent hospitalization.

Ah, yes. Norquist. I never was much of a fan of his. Well, I may be a bit of a tax booster. I mean, when I was Governor of Arkansas the state payroll increased twenty percent and our general debt increased by a billion dollars. People focus on things like that and call me irresponsible. Like those rats at the Cato Institute, who had the nerve to give me an F grade for spending and tax policy. People like to focus on the costs, but they ignore the benefits. When my service as Governor was over, the state of Arkansas had a one billion dollar surplus. That's results. That's clear, empirical proof that my constituents were being well served.

And don't worry about taxes when I'm President. I signed the PTPPPATR.

Keep the questions coming. This is fun.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:20 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: Sorry to hear about Stacy. I'm sure it was one of the other two contributors that made her snap, if that's any comfort.

What's the PTPPPATR? It sounds tasty.

There's always been a flurry surrounding your stance on immigration. What's your vision exactly and how will you act to bring it reality as president?

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:13 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

Um - that doesn't really comfort me at all. Earth to FCN. I have no idea who's who. It's an anonymous blog. Hello.

It stands for the Presidential Taxpayer Protection Pledge of Americans for Tax Reform. Try to keep up with the acronyms.

I'm glad you asked about immigration because it's one I have very strong feelings about. I'm all for sealing the border, but when it comes to people who are actually here, I think it's ridiculous the way we're behaving. It's like: "You broke the law, so now we're coming down on you like a ton of bricks." It's shameful, really. Instead of being malicious toward these people, we need to shake hands with them. We need to make friends with them. We need to realize that these are people just like you and me. There's nothing that makes us any more American than them, besides maybe the fact that we're Americans. To think that these people are unable to obtain government benefits like Federal Aid simply because they don't pay taxes is unthinkable. It's unchristian. And it's bad politics. Let's melt ourselves down into the pot of diversity.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 6:38 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: Well, I can't help you much there, except to say that I'm not one of those other two guys.

So, it sounds like you support amnesty? Is that correct?

What do you think of your odds of victory?

The FCN Team





From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 13, 2007 11:02 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

I really don't think you get it. I don't know who I'm talking to.

I absolutely do not support amnesty. Amnesty is a big taboo word up on the hill. I'm very careful to say that I oppose amnesty to illegals. It's just that I want them to be welcomed into the country, which is hardly the same thing. Hardly.

After all, if we can't reach out to minorities (by which I mean illegals), the GOP doesn't stand a chance in the next election. Minorities want foreign work. They want the illegals who are already here to get stamped. If we give them that, the Dems won't know what hit them. They'll be all: "What hit us?" and they won't know.

Well, I placed second in the Iowa straw poll back in August right behind Romney, who we all know is going to lose steam any day now. I mean, the guy doesn't stand a chance. He's a Mormon, for crying out loud. Haven't you been reading the news about the FLDS? That's almost the same thing as the LDS. Please. Romney? Pschaw.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 13, 2007 11:41 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

All due respect, but I think you're the one who doesn't get it. I don't know how to make this clearer. I'm the trustable contributor. Why can't you believe me?

You mentioned Romney, but how about some of the other front runners like Giuliani and McCain?

You've worked hard to associate your image with health advocacy. Back in 2003, the New York Times said of your 110-pound weight loss: "It was as if he simply unzipped a fat suit and stepped out." You've run in marathons, you won the AARP Impact Award ... can you tell us a little about how this relates to your candidacy, if at all?




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 15, 2007 1:41 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

This is ridiculous. I don't have to keep listening to this drivel. I don't even think you're making an effort to understand me. Forget this. Forget this interview. Forget your stupid blog. Forget Giuliani. Forget McCain. Forget minorities. I have nothing more to say to you.

Except go read my book, Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork. That'll answer most of your questions. The remaining questions can be answered by good acne medication. Now stop emailing me.

Mike




Obviously, we really couldn't walk away from this experience ready to give Mike Huckabee a glowing endorsement. We liked his positions, sort of. But that temper of his! Wow. We can't believe the way he treated us. What a politician! We get a little warm under the collar just thinking about it. What an overreactor.

So, the search goes on.

Google loves us!

Keep your eyes peeled at the top of your Gmail inboxes. You never know who might pop up.

An offer from a man in need, dire need

The other day, I got an email from someone I had never met before, but whose offer was so compelling I just had to share it with all of you (all errors of English are his):

From: Yesar xxxxxx

To: xxxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Fri, Dec 29, 2006 at 5:22 PM

Reply-To: xxxxx_xxxxxxx@yahoo.com

Subject: Dear Friend

Dear friend,

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Yesar xxxxxx a merchant in the United Arab Emirate,UAE. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live,according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for...

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in Africa Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars $18,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad .I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations. I have set aside 20% for you and for your time.

xxxxx_xxxxxxx@yahoo.com

God be with you.

Yesar xxxxxx

Needless to say, I was touched by the emotion expressed in Yesar's note and the unmistakable humanness of his plight. Further, I was attracted to the $3.6 million commission he offered (20% of $18 million) and the millions of Mounds Bars that money could buy.

At the same time, some of the things in Yesar's email where mightily suspicious. It's rare that you find such a wealthy man who can't spell or type or find a secretary to do either. Truly momentous, in fact. It is also unusual for such a large sum of money to be offered without any history of prior dealings or specific instructions for performance. Financial agreements of this size are usually accompanied by a lawyer, negotiations and lots of stress. Neither were attached to Yesar's email. Further, describing one's intense personal struggles, difficult family situation and battles with deadly diseases to a potential client is a little like telling your land lady about your love life: it won't reduce the rent.

Another peculiarity is Yesar's opening request, that I shouldn't “feel sorry” for him. How can I help but feel sorry for this poor man, rejected by the world and spurned by his family; a millionaire reduced to cyber-begging? Now I feel guilty for feeling sorry for him, which is probably the emotional complex that drove Yesar to his current situation. How dare he perpetuate a steady flow of human scum through this poorly disguised guilt trip?

Can you imagine the pain of Esophageal cancer? I think that's how Bogie went. Consider for a minute: The esophagus is between the mouth and stomach meaning food has to go on a sightseeing tour to get down the interstate. Talk about clearing your throat! And Yesar's claim that everyone will die someday is so sad; it reflects an obvious state of clinical depression and an abject rejection of the life impulse.

But you aren't feeling sorry for him, are you?

In the email, Yesar says he is going to give the money to charity to secure his eternal security. I am not sure how that works, but I sure wish I knew the name of that charity! He also says he will give to a charity in Africa Malaysia. Ever wonder what makes the Africa Malaysian charities more holy? For that matter, ever wonder where Africa Malaysia is?

My biggest reason for sharing this with you, the faithful FCN few, is so that you may consider accepting poor (but not sorry) Yesar's offer. We are just too busy right now to deal with an esophagul curmudgeon with family problems, but if you found his plea suitably pitiful or are interested in getting in on $3.4 million in hard cash, send us an email [funnyclassnotes [at] gmail [dot] com] and we'll get you connected with Yesar.