Gymvisibility

One thing I really, really hate about going to the gym is the possibility of seeing someone I know there. Or, rather, the possibility of someone I know seeing me there.

While I genuinely enjoy unexpectedly meeting up with friends anywhere else, I prefer to not see them at the gym. You see, anywhere else I can wear clothes that hide my flab and reveal only the toned portions of my body. Unfortunately, exercise clothes don't give me that option.

Even more than the clothes, though, the number one reason I try to avoid people I know at the gym is that they will know I'm human, that I have to work to look as good as I do (which, granted, isn't very). I'd rather people think I look good with no effort. It would be so much less...humiliating.

I'm afraid gym invisibility has become somewhat of an obsession with me. Living in a small town with only one exercise facility certainly has its drawbacks. Lately, I've been going to extreme measures to avoid being seen there.

For instance, the other day I was happily chugging away on the elliptical when I spied (with my little eye) an acquaintance working out on the stair-stepper. Immediately, I could feel myself shrink inside and I stopped right away, making a bee-line for the door, not minding the fact that my gym bag and car keys were still in the locker room. For the next half-hour I crouched between two cars, keeping an eye on the door to watch for my acquaintance to emerge.

When she finally came out, I breathed a sigh of relief. Now I could finally go back inside and finish my routine. Unfortunately, she began walking in the direction of my hideout and I realized that she must have gotten a new car, one that I was hiding next to at that very moment. I could either stand up and reveal myself or try to sneak around to the other side of the black car.

I decided to stand up and walk casually away. Maybe she wouldn't notice me.

"Hey!" she called out. I turned and waved at her. She continued. "It's so..." she looked at me and her features began to contort into an expression of disgust - but she controlled them quickly. "...It's so good to see you again!"

She was lying. I knew she was lying.

I ran home, humiliated, and buried my head under my pillows. I doubt I'll ever have the courage to go to a gym again.

Life Tip #95

Don't steal.

If you are going to steal, don't hold up the security guard of a parked armored car.

If you are going to steal from the security guard of a parked armored car, don't burn your getaway vehicle before you have committed the crime.

If you realize you have set your getaway vehicle on fire before stealing from the security guard of a parked armored car, just don't commit the crime instead of taking the money and burning it as the police arrive.

Notice to Employees #2

Note: The following is a personal email I received. I republish it here with very few edits:

Hope you and the family is in enjoying the vacation. Everything is going well. We have the Wednesday screening in morning. I have coordinated with everybody involved. Ch, Personnel Operations is having a division Mtg at 1500 tomorrow, just wants to be updated and what's been happening. I was going to have Kay update the slides that you briefed a week or so ago. RM SGM called yesterday wanting to talk to you about adding new initiatives to their finance briefing for the Course. Will not cause any work on our part. He wants finance to come over twice for about 5 minutes each to make sure they're making progress on completing their vouchers on DTS/Virtual before the class ends to make sure they get everything they're entitled. I told him that we are having the computer divisions have our NIPR lines go hot, so they can down load the documents we need from them for the course. He says that a finance software program needs to be added before they access they're finance system back at their unit(AF). Do you want me to try to coordinate with the computer people? It may push what you're trying to do back if they try to get this software added. How do you want me to proceed? I will check with the computer and see if they have the program first and see if they do have it will it push our work order back. If it would not I will go ahead and have them add the finance software the RM is talking about. SOP is good to go. Security wanted a few things added and it was accomplished. The question is who do you want to sign it in your absence (The Director) or (Ch, Personnel Operations) or someone else? The other section of security is handling the back ground check form. She told me she will probably have the forms back by Thursday. We have forms on everybody that's authorized by you. Those people that's the background check is being done on, we can just create an access roster, which is the only missing piece. The NCOIC will walk everybody through the procedures once we get everything back signed and approved. At this time no major emails have came up in your inbox. Enjoy your vacation.

Life With Brothers

I'll go ahead and admit it right now. If it weren't for my brothers, I'd have no clue how to relate to guys. I'd also be much more uptight and organized. But let's face it... they've changed my life. I'd like to give you a little picture of what my life is like.

Note: These are all true incidents. I did not find this list online somewhere. It comes from actual events I have witnessed. In fact, the White-Out one happened yesterday.

White-Out is, in fact, quite permanent, but can be removed from skin with a generous amount of gasoline.

When inserted into a light switch, bobby pins can cause large sparks to appear, but will cause a minimal amount of damage to your person.

Sleeping bags can create large amounts of static electricity when they are ridden down a flight of stairs.

When children are given handcuffs, even play ones, it is wise to keep one of the keys in a safe place. Chances are, you'll need them later, and you'll be glad you kept them.

Do not tie a rope around your waist when jumping off a roof. Your mom will freak out about possible strangulation hazards.

"Magic Erasers" (Thank you Mr. Clean!) can usually remove permanent marker artwork from glass and antique wood. However, walls and carpet are a completely different story.

Even washable markers love flat paint.

Moms don't like silly putty. Carpet does.

Never forget to put flour in your cookie dough. Ever.

Regular table salt will stay in your hair for a while, it sticks to your scalp and can get a little itchy.

When launching water balloons out a second story window using a heavy-duty two-person slingshot, (boy is this fun!) make sure you clear the house of the across-the-street neighbor. That way, even though your mom will be mad, your dad will be so impressed that you'll get off pretty easily.

Stuffed animals placed on the blades of a ceiling fan can fly for long distances. It really is fun, just make sure you secure any breakables within a 30 ft. radius.

If all the kids in your family change places at a restaurant, the waitress really won't appreciate it.

Especially if you repeat the process every 5 minutes.

Don't keep a journal. No matter how often you change the hiding spot, it WILL be found.

If you try hard enough, it is possible to convince certain siblings that a major holiday has been cancelled for the year. Don't do this in front of your parents.

Large stereo systems and cranky neighbors do not mix.

Do not use anything living as a football. Especially a sibling.

"Lifetime" plastic folding tables make great slides, and also make you a walking talking shocking machine. Beware of touching any metal objects for at least 15 minutes.

When using Nerf guns:

Do not shoot your mom while she's talking on the phone. Especially when she's on the phone with your dad.

If you decide to shoot chandeliers, and the bullet sticks, don't worry. It will come down in a few days. Don't bother shooting other bullets at it to knock it off. And don't make a smiley face with the bullets either.

If you lick the bullets to make them stick better, they will leave a smudge mark on glass.

War movies are 10 times better when you can use a Nerf gun to shoot the enemy on the screen.

When having a Nerf gun war, ask younger siblings (the ones that aren't allowed to participate) to spy for you. This will make your enemies mad, so only do it when you have little risk of getting caught.

The bullets that come with the "Sniper" Nerf guns leave a mark on skin even when used from a distance, and at close range, it can be quite painful.

Never aim a Nerf gun at your own face. I have seen many people make this mistake. You never know when it is loaded, and apparently it really hurts when you get shot from 6 inches away. Not only does your face hurt, your pride is severely damaged.

Life Tip #94

Don't drink twice the legal alcohol limit.

If you are going to get drink twice the legal alcohol limit, don't drive.

If you are going drive after drinking twice the legal alcohol limit, don't keep doing it after your 8th DUI ticket.

If you are on your 9th DUI ticket for drinking twice the legal alcohol limit, it's probably easier to just pull over instead of slamming into several parked vehicles, destroying neighborhood yards, and fleeing from a police officers before crashing into a tree.