Blogging Contest!

FCN now has six contributors and all of us are out of school for the Christmas break (that's "xmas" for all of you reading this on your iPhones). We are happy to be on vacation, down from the ivory tower and back in the real world with the rest of normal America. But with the respite from classes, grades and examinations comes a great deal of free time -- free time which is not always put to the most productive use. Free time which makes the six of us feel cooped up and antsy and causes us to grate on one another, forming wounds that turn painful because they can't scab because of the constant grating.

I am finally getting to understand why J. Lo divorced Ojani Noa (hubby #1) so quickly. I think I know why Bernard Madoff was finally double-crossed by his sons. I comprehend Eve's thinking when she ate the apple.

This pressurized tank needs a release valve.

We did this once before and it resulted in two painful posts and one stroke of unadulterated brilliance.

Over the weekend, a theme for the upcoming FCN writing contest will be selected. On Monday, F will post his take on the theme. He'll be followed by, in order: N, Chip, Jessica, Ana and C. If any reader class notes are submitted, they'll come at the end. When all of us have put up our best efforts, we'll make a really gaudy poll and ask you, the faithful few, to select the contributor who wrote the best treatment of the theme.

Sounds simple, right? And very American.

But we're going to make it even MORE American by letting you, our readers, decide the theme. How awesome is that? Extremely awesome. Get your Free Speech on by commenting below with the topic you think we should use for our contest.

Possible examples: War, Love, Donuts, Blogging, Buying a Car, Ear Pressure at High Altitudes, Mouse Traps, Existentialism ...

Blogging Contest

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, Ellen DeGeneres:

Really Funny Class Notes, the spin-off site that continues to support our sagging egos and protect our derelict attitudes from the dose of reality that would bring us off cloud nine, has challenged FCN to a blogging challenge, of sorts. This contest will pit our dozen readers against their 8,368. The goal is to "out blog" each other. Not to "out bug" each other - we aren't pest exterminators (at least not yet) - but to publish more quality content relating to whatever topics you, the faithful FCN few, submit.

Beginning today and, well, ending today, you will have an opportunity to choose a topic for our next three days of blogging (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday). The best way to submit your topic is to put it down in our comment section. There you can squabble with other readers of what the best topic should be and when we check the site at an ungodly hour tomorrow morning you guys will hopefully have come to some kind of consensus. If not, we will make like the officials at last night's Spurs-Hornets game and toss a coin.

rFCN will then compete with us to produce the best content about whatever you, the readers, desire. Adam Smith argued that competition produces the best product; over the duration of this week we will rigorously test that hypothesis.

When you are the underdog it can be very difficult to summon the gumption to fight on and be competitive. The giant looks like a powerful and very muscular Philistine and your petty smooth stones look like the pebbles they are, despite the leather sling from which they will be thrown. But enough about Stephen Curry. At FCN, we embrace our underdog role with every ounce of our derelict selves. rFCN is now the established site and Robert is a muscular Goliath (although not a Philistine; we wouldn't stoop to calling you that, bro!). This challenge is our big chance, our High School Musical moment. We can turn the spotlight into something grand or let it go like the sunset we all missed last night. The choice is ours and, by extension, yours.

So go. Stop reading this introductionarialism garbage and skip over to the comment section. Then tune in the rest of this week to see how miserably we fumble your requests.

How to Play Traffic

REQUIRED TO PLAY: One serviceable automobile, one valid driver's license. Paranoid friends and relatives add to the fun.

OBJECT OF THE GAME: To obtain the highest possible number of points over a set period of time by completing certain objectives, usually involving tacky violations of road law and/or etiquette, written and unwritten.

HOW TO PLAY: This game is as much a pastime as a sport. You can play anywhere, any time: driving to work, dropping the kids off at soccer, going on a joy ride with friends, moving your father-in-law's jaguar around the block for him. Try to complete as many objectives as possible in the shortest possible time. Style points figure big in this game, as do making up your own objectives on the spur of the moment. Success requires quick thinking, situational awareness, and the sort of mind that brings you to FCN in the first place.

Scoring and objective verification is based on the honor system.

OBJECTIVES (An incomplete list):

Fake forward. While stopped at a red light, edge forward a few inches, then stop.

2 points: Make the car behind you edge forward as well.
4 points: Make the car next to you edge forward.
6 points: Make the car next to you run the light.
9 points: Make the car next to you drive into oncoming traffic.
13 points: Make the car behind you rear-end you. Sue the driver out of house and home.

Zone of Control. Throw a left turn signal indicating a merge into the fast lane, but stay in your current lane indefinitely.

1 point: Make a passing car fall back.
2 points: Make a passing hummer fall back.
4 points: Make a sports car follow behind you indefinitely.
13 points: Make a police car follow behind you indefinitely.

I'm from Europe. Drive a donut in the middle of an intersection.

2 points: Learn a new word from a fellow motorist.
7 points: Learn a new word from a nun.

Litter bug. While stopped at a red light, exit the car to collect a piece of trash lying on the side of the road, then return to the vehicle before the light turns green.

3 points: Get a Spock eyebrow from the driver behind you.
5 points: Collect the litter that the driver behind you just tossed out his window.
9 points: Sell the litter on eBay.
11 points: Catch the litter before it hits the ground.
14 points: Appear on the Village Roadshow with the litter.

Chicken Little. Roll down your window and gesture emphatically skyward.

1 point: Make someone look.
2 points: Catch them looking and laugh at them.
4 points: Make someone leap from their car and run for cover.
8 points: Make everyone in sight leap from their car and run for cover.
15 points: Reverse the flow of traffic.

My favorite song. Roll down your window and sing along with the radio of an adjacent motorist who also has his/her windows down.

2 points: Make the fellow motorist turn his music up.
3 points: Make the fellow motorist turn his music down.
5 points: The song is "Riding Dirty."

Actually, it can be done. Parallel park from across the street by sawing a hard left and closing the hand brake.

2 points: Complete this stunt without damaging anything.
3 points: Complete this stunt and damage a jaguar.
5 points: Complete this stunt and damage your father-in-law's jaguar.
8 points: Complete this stunt in your father-in-law's jaguar.
10 points: Complete this stunt in your prospective father-in-law's jaguar with your sweetheart in the passenger seat.
16 points: Complete this stunt in your prospective father-in-law's jaguar with your prospective mother-in-law in the passenger seat.

Gotcha Going. Rev your engine as a pedestrian passes in front of you on a crosswalk.

-1 point: Get a Spock eyebrow from said pedestrian.
3 points: Get a scream.
5 points: Make said pedestrian break and run.
7 points: Make said pedestrian break and run into oncoming traffic.
12 points: Make an adjacent motorist drive into oncoming traffic.
15 points: The pedestrian is wearing an orange vest and holding a KIDS XING sign.

Cut! Drive off a cliff just before something explodes.

40 points.