It was dirty....

The other day, we had a dirt snap.
We knew it the moment we woke up.
The dirt woke us up.
I mean, it was dirty.

It was so dirty, we couldn't see more than a few feet.

It was so dirty, our cat lived in the litter box.

It was so dirty, my sister became desperate and attempted to dust.

It was so dirty, we couldn't comb our hair, even if we wanted to.

It was so dirty, my Instascum died.

It was so dirty, the shower water turned to mud the minute we stepped under the spray.

It was so dirty, my computer performed an automatic disc clean-up.

It was so dirty, we confused the pears for potatoes.

It was so dirty, the mole from the back yard moved in to the closet.

It was so dirty, Nancy Pelosi said she would become a Republican if we could get it clean.

It was so dirty, it made the public school bathroom look clean.

It was so dirty, Pig Pen made an offer on the house.

It was so dirty, our fake Christmas tree withered.

It was so dirty, Mr. Clean went into early retirement.

It was so dirty, even Clean Films had inappropriate humor.

It was so dirty, Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump got together to start a clean up charity.

It was so dirty, that nobody noticed any political mudslinging.

It was so dirty, we brushed our teeth with brown toothpaste.

It was so dirty, the dog stopped eating off the floor.

Instascum*

Are you sick of boring pets like cats and dogs and hamsters and snakes?

Then boy do we have the creatures for you! Instascum® will get you playing in no time with our all-natural protozoa. All you have to do is take the little baggy** of Instascum® and pour it into a glass of water.

Our biodegradable Instascum® grows faster than any other instant protozoa mix. This wonderful combination of dirt and mud will give your pond scum the nutrients they need to grow into big and healthy microorganisms!***

Buy your Instascum® today!

* No, we never thought we would stoop so low as to advertise on our site, but yes, we have. Just remember, this is so we can buy our mothers good Christmas presents.

**Putting bag over mouth may cause suffocation.

*** Although Instascum® is completely biodegradable, eating it may cause side affects such as nausea and vomiting. Besides, it’s just totally gross to eat dirt. If you feel the urge to consume mud, we suggest you get serious help. And quick. By the way, FCN is not responsible for anything stupid you do with Instascum®. Like putting in you bed, or pouring it on your electric dryer. And yes, the scum die if you cook them in the oven.