18-1

You would have to be socially illiterate to not have heard that the New York Giants upset (meaning narrowly defeated) the New England Patriots on football's grandest stage, Sunday. And you would have to be deaf to miss my screams of pained agony at the demise of my team.

The Patriots, after putting on the best 18 game streak in football history, finally fell prey to a "physical defense and its own gunslinging mentality," or so the sports "experts" tell us. The fact is that there were a lot more factors playing toward a Giants victory than Peyton Manning whispering hints to his brother from the sky box.

Here at FCN, we put together a team of crack sports scientists to investigate the real reasons behind the heartbreaking defeat of football's hottest playboy.

1) Gisele Bundchen

When Tony Romo took a vacation during his playoff bye week with celebrity girlfriend Jessica Simpson down to a hip Mexican vacation spot, Dallas Cowboys fans the nation over commented on what a disastrous move he was making. Then the innocent Jessica attended the"big" game, "distracting" the all-pro quarterback into a sub-par performance. That match ended up a headline grabbing upset, as the top seed in the NFC lost to the wild-card Giants.

Three weeks later, Tom Brady took a vacation during his playoff bye week to go visit celebrity girlfriend Gisele Bundchen in New York City. Patriots fans watched in horror as the entire escapade, yellow flowers and all, was broadcast over TMZ, an acronym standing for "Time Much Zwaisted." Then the innocent Gisele attended the big game, "distracting" the all-pro quarterback into a sub-par performance. That match ended up a headline grabbing upset, as the top seed in the AFC lost to the wild-card Giants.

Sound familiar?

The reality is that this isn't coincidence. The writer's guild ("striking now at a studio near you") is behind the efforts to derail high profile athletes with buxom blonde females. The guild knows that television shows are facing stiff competition for air time from sporting events and it is doing everything in its power to slow the rise of televised athletics (which many commentators view as insidious as reality TV) while the big shows are playing reruns. It's a giant (pun intended) conspiracy to indict celebrity quarterbacks and thereby reduce their star power. And the really scare thing is: It's working.

In case you are really into this sort of gossip mongering, an onling gambling site is inviting wagers on who will break up first: Romo-Simpson or Brady-Bundchen. Before the loss, I would have staked the lives of my unborn children on Romo-Simpson. Now I think it's a toss-up.

2) The Twelfth Man

NFL rules require that no team can have more than eleven players on the field at once. The Giants tried to get away with twelve during one play, but the zebras caught onto their ploy and threw a yellow flag (after Bright Red Hoodie - see below - threw a red flag). By "twelfth man," I am actually referring to the audience members who are watching the game and, presumably, rooting for the Patriots.

I say "presumably," because of the eleven people watching the game at my house (or phoning in their support before the game), five were cheering for New York and six were routing for the Patriots. You couldn't have gotten a more even distribution without a hack saw. Instead of cheering the Pats to victory, our twelfth man contributed nothing and might have even dampened the mood in Arizona for the favored squad.

3) The Ugly Bright Red Hoodie

Bill Belichick has gotten away from some frightful wardrobe decisions in the past (like stuffing his red challenge flag in his white athletic socks and wearing these obscene shorts). He reminds me of me in High School. Heck, he reminds me of me now. Gregg Easterbrook talks about the "gods of football" which determine who will win or lose big games. Well, the gods of football couldn't have shined on such television inappropriate garb as the Ugly Bright Red Hoodie.
In today's age of televised drama, colors are important. And red is out. Also, the head coach and the offensive coordinator (Josh McDaniels, to the left of Belichick in the above photo) have to match. That's a rule the NFL is considering as an addition to the uniform and wardrobe regulations for next year. And, that guy in the back biting his shirt. Not good. Not good at all.

4) The Cheating Giants

I know this is a heavy charge to levy with such little and circumstantial evidence, but, hey, that didn't stop the Patriot's critics. Why should reality stop FCN? Let facts be submitted to a candid world:

FACT: Peyton Eli Manning's miraculous completion to David Tyree was precipitated by a vanishing act in front of the Pat's offensive line. As David Blaine would say: Magic.
FACT: David Tyree caught a ball thrown 40 yards away with nothing but his helmet. Research of the taps is continuing to see whether Tyree used an adhesive or a magnet to complete this "amazing" pass. Either way, both products are banned by the NFL for in-game use.
FACT: Peyton Manning (Eli's older brother, who had never enjoyed the national spotlight before Sunday) placed his head in his hands while the ball was in the air. We don't know for sure how that impacted the ball's flight path, but we know it had something to do with the end result.

Don't think it was cheating? Check out this video documentation and tell us in the comment section how else such a feat could have been accomplished:

Impossible. I wish you could see me shaking my head right now.

5) Bad Ads

It's common knowledge in the sports world that good ads favor the team from the smaller media market. It has to do with NFL conspiracy theories and Budweiser's secret ties to Roger Goodell's sister-in-law's parents and some extortion that happened years ago but is now very well covered up. It's all very boring and nerdy.

New York is a bigger media market than Foxborough. Admit it: If it weren't for the football team, you wouldn't even know that Foxborough existed, much less where it is.

Now take a look at the ads: For a second consecutive year, Salesgenie.com embarrassed itself and its stockholders with a couple of CEO written ads that induced more cringes than chuckles, at least where I was sitting. GoDaddy.com ran another ad that tried to be raunchy, but came just shy. Even the normally reliable Budweiser disappointed.

The only good add that aired was Pepsi Max's and, consistent with FCN's conspiracy theory, the Patriot's scored a touchdown almost immediately after it was played. Here it is again in case you missed it:



6) Massachusetts was sunk before the opening kickoff

What do John Kerry, Mitt Romney and Tom Brady have in common? All three of them are from the Bay state and have failed to meet expectations. Kerry's political nosedive in the 2004 elections and Romney's inability to get traction should have been a heads up to savvy football observers. We should have seen this coming. The Red Sox notwithstanding, Massachusetts teams have been ho-hum this year. Boston College didn't make the national championship after a promising start. Kerry couldn't win against Bush after a whipping up a lot of momentum. And Tom Brady was flat when it really counted.

The jury is still out on Romney - he may yet redeem Massachusetts - but things don't look good for the rich white Mormon (If you really feel that way, go vote! Now, before the polls close).

To extend this logic a bit further, the Boston Celtics will not win an NBA championship this year. That's right folks, the big three will not perform when it really matters. You heard it here first!

All Things Patriots

I am a huge New England Patriots fan. I know Tom Brady, Asante Samuel, Teddy Bruschi, Randy Moss and Lawrence Maroney by name. I regularly watch the highlights of Patriots games and am ecstatic when my team wins. I know players stats by heart and can tell you how many points per game the Pats defense has allowed since 2003 (16.5), how many consecutive seasons the Pats have won in the Playoffs (4) and the number of times Brady has lost on artificial turf (1). I know the nature of Lawrence Maroney's injury and can describe Samuel's lanky stride to a T.

I also cheer on the Patriots no matter what. When head coach Bill Belichick admitted to using illegal field level videotaping to catch opponent signal calling, I compared football to baseball, where such a practice is legal and expected. When Brady left his pregnant supermodel girlfriend to date the world's richest supermodel, I sighed and dug desperately for words of justification. When Rodney Harrison was suspended for taking Human Growth Hormone (HGH), I argued the substance, while illegal, served to help the athlete tackle his knee injury. When NFL bad boy Randy Moss was signed by the Pats, I got to my knees and prayed with all the sincerity of a teenager that Moss would become a choir boy. I am still on my knees.

And don't go thinking that I'm a late blooming band-wagon hopper. I've been rooting for the Pats since they started Brady back in 2000. I liked the mascot and I figured, even at a tender age, that I should decide which sports teams I would support for life and stand consistently by my prognostications through all weather. The fact that my football team has since won three Superbowl titles and has established itself as the class of the league is extra icing. In other sports I've been humiliated. My baseball team, for example, is the San Francisco Giants and my NBA squad is the Sacramento Kings. Neither of those teams are playoff caliber, but that doesn't keep me from ardently cheering them on.

This brings me to the recent past. I was looking around my room the other day and noticed I had no Patriots memorabilia. My wall is adorned with posters for the Sacramento Kings and the Marine Corps, a couple pieces of art, and a few maps, but nothing to commemorate my NFL team.

Using Bruce Willis' internet, I navigated to the Patriots paraphernalia and memorabilia page and looked among the Patriots stuff for what might best reflect my fanaticism. The site looks like an organized dump with all manner of useless items and hokey souvenirs listed in neat rows. The interested fan can purchase a throwback trailer hitch which allows the owner to tow a trailer while advertising his fanaticism, a Brady 16 ounce glass with Brady's number 12 emblazoned on the side or a salt and pepper shaker with the Pats logo. More usefully, you can purchase a padded folding chair, set of four placemats, BBQ set or air freshener, all plastered with the Patriots mascot.

Although not available today, I am sure the competitive market for NFL memorabilia will soon drive sports teams to produce a wider variety of trademarked goods. Anyone who wants to use Vince Willfork's deodorant, brush their teeth with the same paste as Mike Vrabel or shampoo with Troy Brown's hair wash will have a product designed just for them.

I, for one, don't want to drink Randy Moss' Kool Aid.

(Incidentally, Bob Kraft, the owner of the Patriots, also owns Kool Aid, so don't scoff.)

Anyway, all of this is making me wonder why fanaticism is OK in sports but not in religion or politics. I mean, you would have to be flat out, certifiably crazy to max out a credit card buying the emblazoned junk the Pats webpage offers. You would have to be Amy Winehouse about to go on tour in the US. You would have to be Toshikatsu Matsuoka on a Seppuku-free spending spree. But such behavior is normal. People actually wear the Bellicheck hoodie. I've seen it. And it looks awful.

Put a message about your God on your shirt and some circles call you preachie. A bumper sticker for a political candidate means you are inviting conflict and tension. But be a fan of a sports team and all manner of irrational purchases are reasonable.

I just wanted a poster, hat or T-Shirt, not a velvet winebag, steering wheel cover or beverage opener keychain. Oh well, I guess that's what it means to be a fan: put up with all the junk your team sends your way.

Regardless, you know where I'll be Sunday afternoon: Watching as the Patriots take on the NFL's top rated offense and try to remain undefeated. And I'll be wearing an unmarked shirt, sitting in a normal chair and drinking from an unemblazoned cup.