25 Ways Not to Ruin Christmas

Christmas can be a finicky thing. Here, we detail 25 ways to get through it. Because no one wants a horrible Christmas.

1) Respect the expiration date on the egg nog.
2) One Christmas play is enough.
3) Never leave figgy pudding unattended.
4) Your car should be bigger than your Christmas tree.
5) Make sure the turkey is dead before you cook it.
6) Do not use ornaments that require the use of actual fire.
7) Carol at hospitals, not dark alleys.
8) Shopping should be done in November.
9) Always keep a fire extinguisher handy.
10) Never spend more than $20 on someone not immediately related to you.
11) Not all shopping mall Santas are created equal.
12) The presents will still be there when you're done sleeping in.
13) If you blow a fuse when you click on your lights, change something before turning them on again.
14) Comments about use of the word "gay" in old Christmas songs stopped being funny long ago.
15) Actually make a physical list of names, and check them off when you've sent a gift.
16) Have Christmas dinner at someone else's house and leave ("to feed the homeless") when it's time to clean up.
17) No matter how much you love a certain Christmas song, at some point, enough is enough.
18) Shop for extended family at Wal-Mart.
19) If you must neglect someone, don't let it be your girl or her mother.
20) Remember kids: Christmas is fun, but safety is funner.
21) Grab some Taco Bell just before eating so you're not hungry enough to make some terrible mistakes.
22) Save the important announcements (like "We're engaged!" and "I'm pregnant!") for next week.
23) Double check that you don't mix up who's gift is who's.
24) Pets and Christmas do not mix.
25) Nobody likes your rendition of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire."

25 Reasons Not to Defenestrate Yourself

1) The wooden desk in front of the window does not give freely.
2) The first pane of glass is painful.
3) The second pane of glass is painful.
4) The plastic molding holding the panes of glass together are stubborn.
5) The plastic dividers on the window are not amenable to breakage.
6) The screen.
7) The drop.
8) The landing.
9) The cost of cleaning up the mess.
10) The cost of repairing the window.
11) Explaining to relatives.
12) There are better ways of leaving a building.
13) Gravity.
14) The laundry.
15) The emulative friends.
16) The friends who won't understand.
17) The friends who will understand.
18) The difficulty of reentering the building.
19) The people on the ground.
20) Trees and other scratchy green things.
21) Your back.
22) Your knees.
23) The fun doesn't last.
24) The "fun" may end up lasting.
25) It's not original.

25 things not to do at the dinner table...

Taken from Amy Vanderbilt and personal experience...

1) Compliment the food and then ask why it tastes so much worse than usual.
2) Dilute the stew with water from your cup.
3) Dilute the stew with milk from your cup.
4) Strain water out from your stew into your water cup using your hands as an improvised colander.
5) Talk about Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi or Michael Jackson.
6) Wear headphones.
7) Raise your hand to ask a question.
8) Take notes.
9) Read back from your notes during the conversation.
10) Use your fork as anything other than an eating utensil.
11) Bend the tines on your fork for better mastication assistance.
12) Use the term "mastication assistance."
13) Take food from a passing tray with your hands.
14) Justify the taking of food from a passing tray with your hands.
15) Apologize for taking food from a passing tray with your hands.
16) Ask questions about the nutritional qualities of the meal.
17) Wonder out loud about the pesticides used on the vegetables.
18) Mention the PETA poster posted to your cubicle wall and describe in detail the images displayed thereon.
19) Bounce you knee up and down to get a cardiovascular workout.
20) Say "PETA poster posted prettily" three times fast.
21) Ask what the menu will look like tomorrow.
22) Wonder aloud if the meat at the table once had dark or light fur.
23) Sing an Avril Lavigne song and/or attempt to lead others in an Avril Lavigne song.
24) Draw comparisons between the taste of the food to anything eaten during last summer's family camping trip.
25) Ask how long it will be until the meal ends.

25 Things Your Janitor Wants You to Know

FCN recently received the following email:

"Can you please tell your readers not to clip their toenails during church? They always throw them under the pew, right where it is almost impossible to vacuum up."

Me and my fellow Janitors

Before going any further, let us tell you - please don't clip your toenails during church. But of course there's plenty more to being a janitor than just vacuuming clipped nails. Here's a few more helpful hints:

1. The belly of the table is not a good place to store gum.
2. Please, no indoor fires.
3. Stepping on trash actually makes the rubbish harder to deal with.
4. If it's beeping, ask for help before smashing.
5. Exploring is for the mountains, not the train station.
6. You don't know how to clean that up and you're getting underfoot.
7. Eat your ice cream over the tile.
8. Don't imagine no one will notice that you spilled tomato sauce on your beige cloth-padded chair.
9. I didn't even know that spot existed, and now you've gone and hidden a hymnal there.
10. Just flush already.
11. When it's closing time, get out of there.
12. Just because you smell smoke doesn't mean you're allowed to throw your beer at something.
13. Do I really have to ask you not to walk across the floor while it's being mopped?
14. There's no shame in being a janitor; you don't have to use terms like custodial technician, sanitation supervisor, domestic engineer, guest service associate, environmental services associate, or floor maintenance sanitation engineer.
15. When pouring the punch, a little caution goes a long way.
16. You won't get locked into the building.
17. Don't blame the janitor if there's no toilet paper. Blame the guy who came before you.
18. Spitting is not cool.
19. It's not hot either.
20. Landing near the trash can is hardly the same thing as landing inside it.
21. Do you really need five feet of paper towel to dry your hands?
22. Leaving notes to brighten the Janitor's day is self-defeating.
23. Waxed floors are slippery, Captain Stupid.
24. Keep your grubby hands out of the utility shed.
25. If you must clip your toenails during church, don't throw them on the floor where they're almost impossible to vacuum up.

25 Things I Learned the Hard Way

1. Laundry doesn't get cleaner by sitting on the floor for a week.
2. Teachers bite back.
3. Not everything is a toy.
4. She really doesn't want to play Halo with you.
5. Before pulling into the street, it's best to look right AND left.
6. Some people actually read source citations.
7. Beer bellies aren't hot.
8. It's a good idea to look away from the screen and blink every half hour or so.
9. Having a girl doesn't get easier.
10. Meal replacement shakes don't actually replace meals.
11. Just because she said something bad about herself doesn't mean you're allowed to agree.
12. Orthodontists aren't the enemy.
13. If she's shrugging her shoulders, clamming up, glaring at you, crying, and yelling, it's her way of saying you did something wrong.
14. Fourteen year-olds do not have enough information to decide who they want to spend the rest of their life with.
15. There is a difference between artsy and art.
16. Calculators are good. Answers in the back of the book are better.
17. Everyone says they want to hear the truth but only one in ten actually mean it.
18. Everyone your age is emo. You're not special.
19. Even people from the opposing party have feelings.
20. Sometimes, violence is not the answer.
21. If it says use protective eye wear, use protective eye wear.
22. Save your work often.
23. Showing up in class can significantly increase your final grade.
24. Eventually, you reach an age where watching Barney is frowned on.
25. Just because she's emailing you doesn't mean she wants to marry you.

25 Things not to say during your Driver's Test

1) Before we start, I want to say that I had a pretty crazy night so please cut me some slack.
2) LOVE that clicking sound!
3) Diesel was cheaper. Now I see why.
4) Chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga ...
5) So, you come here often?
6) Train tracks! I think we can make it.
7) Some day, they'll have movie screens that fold down all the way in front so everyone can see them.
8) Yellow light, beep-beep!
9) Sometimes I pretend I'm an allied tank driver on World War II, and all those cars in the other lane are panzers.
10) There's that trucker again!
11) So how am I doing?
12) Come on. Quit giving me these tame orders. Let's open this baby up and see what she can really do!
13) Wow. I am so relaxed right now.
14) Police car! Keep your head down!
15) Look, it's my ex-girlfriend coming out of that store. If I swerve, would you mind taking her out with the door?
16) Sure is bright out here today.
17) I've been driving this road for years now.
18) Can't wait until I get enough money to buy a real car. I mean, look at this hunk of junk. It's a death trap.
19) Can we hurry this up a bit? I'm late for my online support group.
20) You wanna swing by my place on the way back?
21) I love the effect of all those yellow dots coming at you. So mesmerizing. Gets me every time.
22) Ahhh! No brakes! No brakes! Ha! Just kidding. You should have seen the look on your face. Hahaha!
23) Vroom, vroom!
24) That's where we crashed right there on the left. Nobody was hurt though. I don't think.
25) I wish we could always be in this car, driving down the road side by side. You and me. Forever.