People We Actually Like

After our post a few weeks back detailing those people who are on the wrong side of our disposition, a number of comments and even a few emails have asked us to spill our guts on exactly who we do like. It's as if you guys know, deep in your heart of hearts and in places we don't talk about at parties that there is a nice streak to the FCN writers and you are desperate to dig it up. Well, from our perspective, there is nothing quite like a passel of readers jabbing us into writing something. Maybe “Faithful FCN Few” should be replaced by “Fierce FCN Fighters,” because that's what you feel like to us. It's like we're play acting: we are Paris Hilton and you all are the wardens. Or maybe we're Shamu and you are the SeaWorld trainers.

OK, fine, we'll do it. But with a bad attitude: we've got to maintain some individuality.

People we actually like: a non-exhaustive list.

Mommy G - It just wouldn't be right to start this list any other way. Mommy G is awesome. She gives us brownies. We like her. When she leaves, our colors fade to gray. Nu ma nu ma iei. Etc etc etc. Life is good.

Nancy Pelosi - What can we say? Nancy is something else. She's a real go-get-er. She stands up for what she believes in, which is a lot, among other things. She makes pants look good. She makes Zillary look bad. She's way photogenic. She doesn't need makeup. What's not to like about Nancy?

Tom Cruise - Nuff said.

Em - She reads our stuff. She emails us. She talks to us. She dances with us. She gives us girl advice. She takes care of our accessories. If FCN needs it, Em is there to supply. She's the reason FCN came back online four days early. As a side note, she asked us to never use her name again. Sorry about that, Em.

Josh Groban - All the ladies like him, so apparently we have to, too. We never actually heard his stuff, though, unless that was him singing at the end of Troy, not that we watched that movie.

Lindsay Lohan - Okay, ladies DON'T tend to like her, but that's probably just jealousy. Let's just start things off by saying that Mean Girls is one of the greatest movies ever, not that we watched that movie, either. Lindsay keeps us guessing. We can't figure her or her freckles out. She keeps us awake at night. We seriously need to have her over for an FCN interview.

The Late Saddam Hussein - This guy was so misunderstood. It's like: "You killed a bunch of innocent people, so now you're no good and we don't want to have anything to do with you." Come on, people. Lay off poor Saddam. He had feelings too, you know. In fact, he had a lot of positive qualities, like vision, decisiveness, and lots of body doubles.

Marie Antoinette, also known as Archduchess Maria Antonia of Austria, also known as Marie Antoinette, Queen of France and Navarre - She sat in a palace and ate rice krispies and Crepe Suzette and wore fancy clothes and had good grammar and had her people eat cake. Duuuuuude. What a woman. Kirsten Dunst definitely did NOT do her justice.

Sandy Berger - Here's a man who knows how to use his socks. Sandy's been completely maligned by the popular media for doing what any normal person would do - carry classified documents in his undergarments. We think there is more to the story and that everyone should lay off poor Sandy. If we had to choose between having a beer with Sandy and visiting the National Archives with him, we would do it.

Hillary Duff - She can sing. She can act. She can design clothes and perfume. She looks like the girl next door. She looks like a supermodel. She is now an adult. Questions? I didn't think so.

Kim Jong Il - Not every petty despot is willing to fly across the Pacific just to explain his plans for world domination in football terms. And this guy makes a great fashion statement. He clearly values performance and intimidation over appearance. One glance at those shades says: "I don't care about how I look." The opposite is actually true. That careless look takes some cultivation. Give the guy some credit.

Desperate Student - Because ... oh, forget it.

Bashar Assad - It's a bird! It's a plane! Actually, it's Bashar Assad. We can't quite figure out what he looks like. He definitely makes a great world leader, that's for sure. I mean, look at that face. It spells power. It also spells Doritos, but that's another story. Frankly, we can't figure this guy's face out, but we would definitely put a poster of it up our wall. Or maybe we wouldn't.

Jose de la Cocinar - Okay, so maybe there wasn't ever a guy named Jose de la Cocinar. This is the honorary name we've given to the dude who invented taquitoes. To the real Jose de la Cocinar, we say: we don't know who you are, but if you're still alive (which would probably be pretty freaky), we take off our sombreros to you.

This post is much too positive in tone for FCN. We're usually locked in bitter sarcasm, and here we are patting everyone on the back. To redeem the post, we'll end it on a negative note by pointing fingers at one more person we really don't like:

Santa Claus - Um. Last year? No presents? Okay, not cool. Bad Santa. Very bad Santa.

People We Don't Like

FCN was emailed over the weekend by a delightful young lady who couldn't understand how three normally restrained and mild mannered students could be so mean to Cindy Sheehan. She wrote:

Who is Cindy Sheehan, and why don't you like her? (I didn't read the post; I read the title and the caution) Em.

First, Em, you gotta read the post. Sometimes the caution is a completely misleading doozy; counting on our sense of appropriateness and the warnings that make the beginning of posts is tantamount to relying on the Democrats for a tax cut. So read the post – warnings and all – and then write the hate mail.

Actually, because we are so desperate for any correspondence whatever, go ahead and email without reading the post (or any post for that matter). Just email away and we'll do our best to cut you down for it.

To answer the meat of your question, Emily, we need to explore this concept of people FCN doesn't like. Cindy Sheehan is one of many people who, while a God-made creature worthy of humane respect, we like about as much as an over-stuffed, cantankerous, smelly person who smells bad. With only a few exceptions, it's not that they're bad people, Emily, just that we don't like them.

And because this is our blog, we get to make fun of them,draw other's attention to their faults, and make stuff up about them that isn't true.

We don't like Cindy Sheehan because she abandoned an important movement and walked away before victory was achieved. She didn't fight the good fight. She dropped the flag. She's a sore loser, and the sad thing is, she didn't even have to lose. She left without saying goodbye, and we don't like that.

Sheehan is actually one of many people who can claim the dubious honor of being disliked by us. Unfortunately, measuring our tastes is a little like counting Lindsey Lohan's freckles – they keep changing – so we can't give you an exhaustive black list. We can, however, provide a brief snapshot of those names that are, currently, in the doghouse:

Al Sharpton – Because he's grating and because his hair is horrendous. Take the dead beaver back to the pet shop, Mr. Sharpton!

Markos Moulitsas Zúniga – Because he runs Daily Kos, which is stealing all our traffic and delaying FCN's internet supremacy by tens of millions of years.

Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu – Because he's mean, and he has really cool facial hair that makes us look bad.

Dillary Clinton – Because she pretends to be Nancy and because she's mean to us.

Michael Savage – Because he's scary and he doesn't like Nancy.

Hugo Chavez – Because some of us don't watch TV.

Mr. Winther – Because he didn't take our advice. He even got his daughter to do his dirty work for him. Humph.

Mitt Romney – Because we're jealous of his Presidential looks and we just don't trust him.

Katie Holmes – Because she stole this handsome stud.

Russ Solomon – Because he lied to us.

Dr Bashar al-Assad - Because he always looks as if he just swallowed a rat. Freaky. Wait, does anyone like him?

A. A. Milne - Because he created a monster ten times freakier than frankenstein.

Bill Gates - Because he's rich, and we don't like rich people. Also, he corrupted our screens for five long years. He's been working his employees to the bone for much longer.

Pelosi's Apology

I don't know what dark hole you've been living in, but if you've missed the latest Nancy Pelosi news you need to get out and experience more of the life that is quickly passing you by. Here's a brief synopsis while your eyes adjust to the light:

Nancy decided that Syria, a rogue nation and state sponsor of terror, would make a nice Spring Break vacation spot. She heard the sands retain the heat well and planned a small excursion with some members of her congressional entourage. She threw in a visit with Syrian President Bashar Assad, which the tour guide said was a “charming man with a quaint mustache.”

After the meeting, which lasted three hours, Nancy emerged and, heavily guarded by her security troop, announced that, in her highly educated expert opinion, Syria is “ready to engage in negotiations for peace with Israel.” She then donned a bullet-proof flak jacket, hopped into her reinforced limousine and flew home on a military jet that made anti-SAM maneuvers until it reached Saudi airspace.

When she got back to DC, Nancy was not congratulated for her bravery (being the only woman without a headscarf in a Muslim country takes guts) nor was her impromptu diplomacy and eye opening admission from Assad heralded as a victory. Rather she was a villain; she was undermining America's efforts in the Middle East. She was a bad guy.

Though it pains us to say so, we here at FCN are forced to agree with the general assessment and are jumping on the "Nancy bad” bandwagon. We just think that as long as she had a private three hour interview with a known mass murderer and state sponsor of terrorism, she should have poisoned his drink or bugged his bedroom or something!

Although Nancy has yet to make any public expression of regret for not making her trip to Syria earlier more productive, FCN was able to discover that the esteemed Speaker will issue an apology in the near future. We were also able to procure, through somewhat devious and completely unethical means, an early draft of the apology. Apparently it is intended as a statement to be delivered before a joint session of Congress when the lawmakers come back to DC after Easter. We republish it here to kill the suspense:

Ladies and Gentlemen of this esteemed body,

I come before this body to personally express, again, my sincere regret about the encounter with General Assad of Syria. I appreciate my colleagues who are standing with me, who love this institution and who love this country. There should not have been any contact in this incident. I have always been against terrorism, and will be voting for H. Res. 756, a bill to prohibit unauthorized politicians from making diplomatic vacations, to express my disappointment and frustration with the ineffectiveness of this body at changing global attitudes. I only wanted to be a shining light of diplomacy in a world made dark by head scarves, but I failed even in that. I am sorry that this misunderstanding happened at all and I regret its escalation. And I apologize. And I'm sorry. And I won't do it again, even if 756 doesn't pass.

This will obviously be a heart-warming and attitude-changing apology. Having delivered it, we expect Nancy to return to our good graces.