If you must live on welfare, don't sell black kittens over the internet. If you must live on welfare and sell black kittens over the int...

Be a nice boss. If you aren't a nice boss, don't bring two bb guns, a shotgun, and a handgun to work. If you do become agitated wi...

Don't lie to the person helping you exchange a ten for change. If you are going to lie to the person giving you change for a ten, don...

Don't steal. If you are going to steal, don't hold up the security guard of a parked armored car. If you are going to steal from the...

Don't drink twice the legal alcohol limit. If you are going to get drink twice the legal alcohol limit, don't drive. If you are goin...

If you don't have a license, don't drive. If you are going to drive without a license, don't steal a truck because you don't...

Please don't rob banks. If you do rob banks, don't keep a personal journal of your brilliant plans. If you do keep a personal journa...

Do not be easily irritated by screaming children. If you must be easily irritated by screaming children, do not drive a school bus. If you m...

Do not put violent images in a kids' coloring book. If you must put violent images in a kids' coloring book, make sure the book is n...

Do not smuggle cocaine. If you must smuggle cocaine, do not smuggle cocaine in your body by swallowing it. If you must smuggle cocaine in yo...

Do not read anonymous emails saying you have won $2.5 million from a lottery you have never heard of before. If you must read anonymous emai...

Do not attempt to smuggle turtles into the United States. If you must smuggle turtles into the United States, do not work for the US Border ...

Do not cultivate illegal cannabis plants in your house. If you must cultivate illegal cannabis plants in your house, do not hang out in fron...

Don't use an electric heat gun unless you know how to do so safely. If you must use an electric heat gun without knowledge of proper saf...

Don't take away your girlfriend's beer. If you must take away your girlfriend's beer, make sure your girlfriend is not Angela Am...

Do not try to steal tires off of vehicles at a car dealership. If you must try to steal tires off of vehicles at a car dealership and are in...

Don't deny the Holocaust. If you must deny the Holocaust, do not decorate your living room with war books, German combat knives and swas...

Do not dine and dash. If you must dine and dash, do not forget your purse. If you must dine and dash and forget your purse, do not have mari...

Don't drive drunk. If you do drive drunk, don't run stop signs and crash into mailboxes. If you do drive drunk, run stop signs and c...

Get a decent job. If you can't get a decent job, find something better to sell than old bullet casings. If you can't get a decent jo...