How to Argue like a Liberal

Now that the Obama Administration has really proven that it can get great things done (like making you pay for everyone else's health care), there's no disputing the fact that liberals are better at debating that conservatives. Why? Because conservatives have clunky agendas that don't advertise what the listener wants to hear. Liberal messages are built on emotion, not fact; this makes them vastly superior because they can be presented in a slick and powerful way that appeals to everyone and makes conservatives look evil.

There's no reason you can't harness the power of liberal argumentation in your own life. Whether you're arguing over politics or whose toast is in the toaster, the playbook of America's leaders will get you straight to the top in no time.

1. "You're ignorant." The tried and true work horse of liberal argumentation; this strikes right to the heart of the matter by focusing on the fundamental reason you and the conservative disagree: ignorance. If your opponent weren't so poorly informed he'd obviously be a liberal. And why argue with someone who's blindly defending an ignorant position? Explain to your opponent that he is arguing from a position of ignorance and that all his ideas and worldviews should be promptly replaced with your informed ones.

2. "You're dividing the nation." If not for your opponent, there wouldn't have to be an argument. But because of his insistence on defending his dumb position, the whole ideological fabric of society is being torn asunder. You'll never be able to achieve true unity until your divisive opponent lets this issue drop, for the good of everyone.

3. "I have a plan." Made popular by John Kerry's 2004 Presidential Campaign (which should have won if not for John Edwards who is not really a liberal or he wouldn't be so embarrassing), this tactic presents a quick solution to all the problems in the current situation. You have a plan, therefore, if you're given power you'll be able to solve everything. That's simple logic. But apparently not simple enough for conservatives.

4. "Hope!" Made popular by Barack Obama's 2008 Presidential Campaign (which won in spite of Joe Biden, who was made stupid when he mistakenly drank from the Republican water cooler a few years back), this presents a less tangible but even more effective answer for problems. When your opponent says anything negative - anything at all - accuse him of being a harbinger of fear, conflict, and discord. Encourage him to embrace hope.
5. "This plan is not socialist." If you argue long enough, you'll eventually be called something unpleasant, like a socialist. While a conservative may want to get into pesky details like history and point of fact, you should focus on what really matters: your reputation. Immediately and vehemently protest. You don't have to explain why, in fact you can even say things like: "Just because I want to spread the wealth around doesn't mean I'm a socialist!" Never admit to a title that's anything but positive.

6. "Enough politics." Remember, you're bringing a message of hope and truth. Your opponent is engaging in politics as usual. Anything he says that can't be easily countered by the other tips can be dismissed by accusing your opponent of using the tired tactics that got everyone into this mess in the first place. You're rising above. You're not part of the system, and you're not gonna let your opponent drag you down.

And there you have it! The top 6 ways to argue like a liberal. The playbook is simple, but make no mistake: mastery will take years of practice, and maybe a few overdoses of organic cereal. Stick with it, and in time you can be a debater in the tradition of the greats.

How to Clean Your Room in Five Minutes

Uh oh. Your parents are coming for a surprise visit, and you haven't cleaned your room since... well, you've actually never cleaned your room since you moved out. Sometimes you only have 5 minutes' notice that someone is coming to hang out in your dorm or apartment, and that thick layer of clutter covering every horizontal space in your crib is definitely an eyesore. It really isn't too hard to make your room look presentable and company-ready.

First things first. Prioritize. You know those 3 month old dirty dishes in the sink? Now is not the time to work on them. Fill the sink with hot sudsy water to make it look like you're on top of it (4:40 left). Now throw all your dirty laundry in a big box or bag and put it in the hall; your company will just assume your neighbor forgot to move his trash (4:10 left). Put all your books and homework in a huge stack on your desk and put all your pens and pencils in that empty Starbucks cup you forgot to throw out. You're cleaning and recycling. Way to be.

Only 3 minutes and 30 seconds left. It's time to make your bed. Don't worry about straightening your sheets, just throw a big blanket over the whole thing (3:10 left). Kick all trash into a pile in the middle of your room and throw it away (2:10 left). It's important to make sure you don't confuse your big bag of trash with your big bag of dirty clothes. While you're buzzing around the room like a busy bee, pop a soothing CD into your stereo or laptop to add a little ambiance to your room. A little pizazz goes a long way in making your room feel comfortable. Take any remaining clutter and throw it somewhere out of the way, like in your microwave or in your rain boots (1:00 left). Take a deep breath... this is hard work (0:55 left).

You have just enough time to put the finishing touches on your room. Try doing a little dusting, or tear out random advertisements from magazines and tape them on your wall as artwork. Be creative, but move quickly. This will zap the rest of your time, but be sure you're finished by the time you get that knock on your door.

Now that you know how to clean your room quickly, you don't have to clean your room on a regular basis. Just make sure your friends and family know to call you five minutes ahead of time.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Weird Hobbies

Are you bored? Fighting the winter doldrums? Avoiding homework? Maybe you just need to spice up your life. Perhaps you're hoping to attract an available member of the opposite sex with your mad skillz.

Whatever the reason, it's never too late to get a new hobby. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

Hikaru Dorodango

This is the art of creating shiny balls out of mud. It takes lots of patience, but the end result is well worth the effort. Plus, it's a very low-cost venture. It's dirt cheap, pun intended. Dorodango is a great way to show your creative side while making a lovely conversation piece for your dorm room.

Extreme Ironing

Have you ever pictured yourself suspended from a cliff... ironing your Sunday-best shirt? Well, look no further, because this is the hobby for you! As seen in this youtube video, Phil Shaw, aka "STEAM" says, "Extreme ironing is the latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt." Can't get any better than that.

Duct Tape Fashion

Duct Tape. (Is it duct or duck?) Arguably the strongest adhesive material in the world, right after Gorilla Glue and Amy Winehouse's hairspray. From hats to purses to guitar straps, duct tape has been revolutionizing the fashion world. It may just take a long time to catch on. But I'm not losing hope. If you're lucky enough to be in high school AND have a date AND aren't afraid of scaring them off, you might consider making your prom getup out of duct tape. Just go to stuckatprom.com for more info.

Vomit Photography

If you've ever had the urge to demonstrate your split-second reactionary photography skills, try getting a picture of someone barfing. Bodily fluids can become art when they are captured on film.

Rattlesnake Hunting

Apparently, some people aren't afraid of snakes. Don't forget to register for your permit if you're lucky enough to live in rattlesnake territory. Hey, at least you can hear when they're coming. It might be easier than hunting those quiet, cute animals. I dare PETA to protest rattlesnake hunting... let's see how many people jump on that bandwagon.

Airsoft

This sport is like paintball, but instead of balls of paint, they use plastics BBs instead. Yeah, that sounds painful. Don't believe me? Take a look at this. I'd find new friends if I was that guy.

Boffering

All the thrill of a medieval sword fight or jousting match, but with less potential for death. Boffers are padded weapons, and are used by bofferers to hit each other in a combat-like manner. Even if you don't decide to check out this hobby, just try saying "boffering". Really. It's fun to say. Boffering.

Yodeling

Stereotypically, yodeling is the art performed by lederhosen-clad Alpine folk or country western singers with beehive hairdos. But, with a little practice, and a lot of support and forgiveness from your friends, you too can master this ear-splitting talent.

Memorizing songs backwards

This guy really impresses me. He has way too much time on his hands. This talent could be really cool, but the downside is, you can't do it in public. It requires access to a camera, and software to reverse and edit the tape. But still... the coolness factor of this skill is beyond amazing.

UFO hunting

What would a hobby suggestion list be without giving a nod to the extra-terrestrials? This really is not an exact science because nobody knows when the little green men will make an appearance. You'll have to be very patient and observant. If you're lucky, you'll get a glimpse of a UFO, and if you're not lucky, you might just get vaporized. Be careful.

I hope this list has been useful. You really should try something new. Just don't hold us responsible if you do something stupid while trying to master one of these pastimes. Happy Hobbying!

Will you be my friend?

You want to be cool. The cool kids have friends. You want to have friends. Here's how:

Make eye contact and smile, even when the other person is ugly and eye contact is painful.

Tell people you like their hair. People like to hear things about their hair. Don't be specific ("the grease in your hair has a great sheen") -- you'll only get into trouble.

Poke the person. That will get them interested. This is especially important if they start to fall asleep.

Say something. Anything.

Keep your shirt on, even if you think it would be entertaining to take it off.

Use pejorative language sparingly, especially as it relates to your conversation partner.

Use technology like phone, text, email and smoke signals to communicate. You can speak in person too.

Make sure the other person knows your name. Remind them of it occasionally in case they forget. If you forget the other person's name, you can ask them to remind you.

Apply pressure. Chide them for failing to invite you to be their friend. Call repeatedly at odd hours to get their attention and show you care.

Take it slowly, but make sure it takes.

Use the other person's secrets for leverage to get more friends. This will test your ability to listen and repeat.

Remember their birthday.

Miss a couple of promised events to keep things interesting.

When you are ready to make the big leap, push the add friend button. With all this wooing, your new Facebook friend should accept post haste.

How to Speak Guy

The immutable third law of human conversation is that males do not speak to other males the same way they speak to the fairer gender. To do so would be a denial of your conversation partner's rights as a man and an assault on his very manhood. To emasculate one's speech is tantamount to physical castration, a painfully disturbing and altogether unnecessary visual, at least from my reading of Freud. In order to help you, the Faithful FCN Few, avoid this pitfall of human interaction, we provide this how-to guide. Follow the guidelines herein and you'll be speaking guy in no time.

Use short greetings. No guy in his right mind would put together a greeting longer than two words. "Hey, how are you?" is so long that it threatens the auditory attentiveness of the average male. The question is so long that the feelings of the respondent can actually change from the moment the first syllable is uttered until the voice inflection changes to signal the question mark. The respondent has no way of knowing whether you mean how he is doing at the beginning of the query, at the end or in the extended period in the middle when you asked your darn question. Guys who respond to long greetings will often hesitate before answering and may renege on their first impulse (i.e. "I'm okay, I guess" or "Cool...sorta")If you really care about how a person is feeling, you'll say something like:

"What's up?"
"What's happening?"
"What's popping?"
"What's cracking?"

Shorten short greetings. Even in their abbreviated form, the above greetings may be considered too long for real guys. To use a math concept (dun dun duh!), the word "what" can be factored out of each of the above greetings to create a more economical and appealing "hello." Shorten these phrases to the following:

"S'up?"
"S'happening?"
"S'popping?"
"S'cracking?"

Create your own greeting. The "H" and "Y" sound in the English alphabet are categorized as greeting noises in the Dictionary of Guy. That's Y as in the Spanish "ll," for all you literalist linguists among the faithful few. You place any vowel sound after an "H" or "Y" and create a greeting. Although real guys will use the first vowel that pops to mind (in this context, Y is not a vowel), most utilize the following:

"Hey"
"Hi"
"Yo"
"Yeah"

Speak from below the diaphragm. My singing instructor advised to sing from the diaphragm to get the most pure tones. Guys need more than purity from their tones: they need toughness. In order to man-up their pipes, guys must marshal every ounce of diaphragm strength for their communication purposes. To the untrained ear, the result is a grunt-like sound. But to guys, it is a statement of manhood, sort of like advertising how much you bench press without having to wear a muscle shirt. To practice below the diaphragm speech, push all the air out of your lungs. All of it. There shouldn't even be a dimebag worth of space left. Yes, I just said dime bag. I was referring to Dimebag Darrell, the Damageplan guitarist who...didn't take up much space. What did you think I meant?

It took me so long to extricate myself from that mess that you probably need some more air so go ahead and breathe again. Unless, of course, you're a real man, in which case you probably haven't taken a breath since yesterday after dinner because you are preparing your body for a time when clean air is scarce and it what little consumable oxygen exists needs to be preserved for the women and children. Your altruism is to be praised. Exhale again. Remove all the excess air and then some. Now speak. Speak from the lowest tones possible and say something manly like:

"I never put down the toilet seat."
"Nancy Pelosi is a wuss."

Did you feel it? Did the testosterone pour over you like a water rebounding off a well executed cannon ball? Tonight you will sleep the deep sleep of a man. And tomorrow you will have hair on your chest.

You can go ahead and breath now.

Don't use pronouns. Pronouns are for females and English majors. But I'm being redundant. As proud carriers of a Y chromosome, we graduated from pronoun usage about the same time as the Native Americans. If you don't know what a pronoun is, you are a real man and can skip to the next section. If you do know what a pronoun is, you have been raised by a woman. I was informed by people I trust that a woman was present at my birth. From that moment, for about the next fifteen odd years, I did everything possible to escape women. For the past five years, that gender has become really interesting and rather than avoid contact, I'm finding that I'm actually seeking females out. This trajectory is typical among real guys. The danger, of course, is learning to use pronouns either very early in life or when communicating with females later on.

If you find yourself about to use a pronoun, just stop. Count to ten, light a fire on the kitchen table, do whatever you need to do to not say the word. It is better to be completely socially embarrassed - a state of being for many guys - than to actually utter a pronoun. There are a handful of nefarious exceptions. I've been trying to use that word all day, nefarious. Anyway, they are those wicked contradictions to the general rule that invariably form an impediment keeping the average Joe from becoming a guy. All too often, males go beyond the list of allowable pronouns and get themselves in trouble. What follows is an exhaustive list of acceptable pronouns:

"Man"
"Bro"
"Pilgrim" because that's what The Duke would say.

That's it! No more. You are a guy, not a dictionary. Leave the elaborate English for those who need to compensate for other deficiencies.

Talk slow. Fast talking is a dead giveaway for emasculinity. That's not "masculinity," as in so manly Matthew McConaughey blinks, nor is it "e-masculinity," which is my Facebook profile. Rather it is "emasculinity," as in "emasculated," as in the Reverend Jesse Jackson got a hold of you and decided to teach you a lesson about fatherhood. Spellcheck has a problem with the word "emasculinity," but it also doesn't like the word "spellcheck," so we'll call it even.

John Wayne was a real man. At least he became a real man at one point in his film career. He was actually born with a girl's first name and a half-decent middle name, but his little brother stole his middle name and he generally had a very estrogen intensive childhood. When the cameras started rolling, Marion Michael (or was it Robert) Wayne, jettisoned his feminine side and became a real man. The Duke also had some advice for any guy looking to man-up. He said "talk low, talk slow and don't talk much." Those are words to talk by.

If Wayne decided to read the above paragraph - an unlikely proposition given the number of activities the deceased movie star might settle for instead like roping a heifer and kissing a pretty woman - it would take him at least a minute. He might not even finish it because his voice would trail off into a gruff chuckle that leaves everyone confused but exposed to an awesome display of pure manliness.

There's more, of course. Guys talk from the side of their mouth, never emote and should think twice before issuing any thoughtful compliment beyond "you look nice." But I am reaching the acceptable word limit for my gender and will have to stay silent for the rest of the day just to stay below the quota. I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

How to Play Traffic

REQUIRED TO PLAY: One serviceable automobile, one valid driver's license. Paranoid friends and relatives add to the fun.

OBJECT OF THE GAME: To obtain the highest possible number of points over a set period of time by completing certain objectives, usually involving tacky violations of road law and/or etiquette, written and unwritten.

HOW TO PLAY: This game is as much a pastime as a sport. You can play anywhere, any time: driving to work, dropping the kids off at soccer, going on a joy ride with friends, moving your father-in-law's jaguar around the block for him. Try to complete as many objectives as possible in the shortest possible time. Style points figure big in this game, as do making up your own objectives on the spur of the moment. Success requires quick thinking, situational awareness, and the sort of mind that brings you to FCN in the first place.

Scoring and objective verification is based on the honor system.

OBJECTIVES (An incomplete list):

Fake forward. While stopped at a red light, edge forward a few inches, then stop.

2 points: Make the car behind you edge forward as well.
4 points: Make the car next to you edge forward.
6 points: Make the car next to you run the light.
9 points: Make the car next to you drive into oncoming traffic.
13 points: Make the car behind you rear-end you. Sue the driver out of house and home.

Zone of Control. Throw a left turn signal indicating a merge into the fast lane, but stay in your current lane indefinitely.

1 point: Make a passing car fall back.
2 points: Make a passing hummer fall back.
4 points: Make a sports car follow behind you indefinitely.
13 points: Make a police car follow behind you indefinitely.

I'm from Europe. Drive a donut in the middle of an intersection.

2 points: Learn a new word from a fellow motorist.
7 points: Learn a new word from a nun.

Litter bug. While stopped at a red light, exit the car to collect a piece of trash lying on the side of the road, then return to the vehicle before the light turns green.

3 points: Get a Spock eyebrow from the driver behind you.
5 points: Collect the litter that the driver behind you just tossed out his window.
9 points: Sell the litter on eBay.
11 points: Catch the litter before it hits the ground.
14 points: Appear on the Village Roadshow with the litter.

Chicken Little. Roll down your window and gesture emphatically skyward.

1 point: Make someone look.
2 points: Catch them looking and laugh at them.
4 points: Make someone leap from their car and run for cover.
8 points: Make everyone in sight leap from their car and run for cover.
15 points: Reverse the flow of traffic.

My favorite song. Roll down your window and sing along with the radio of an adjacent motorist who also has his/her windows down.

2 points: Make the fellow motorist turn his music up.
3 points: Make the fellow motorist turn his music down.
5 points: The song is "Riding Dirty."

Actually, it can be done. Parallel park from across the street by sawing a hard left and closing the hand brake.

2 points: Complete this stunt without damaging anything.
3 points: Complete this stunt and damage a jaguar.
5 points: Complete this stunt and damage your father-in-law's jaguar.
8 points: Complete this stunt in your father-in-law's jaguar.
10 points: Complete this stunt in your prospective father-in-law's jaguar with your sweetheart in the passenger seat.
16 points: Complete this stunt in your prospective father-in-law's jaguar with your prospective mother-in-law in the passenger seat.

Gotcha Going. Rev your engine as a pedestrian passes in front of you on a crosswalk.

-1 point: Get a Spock eyebrow from said pedestrian.
3 points: Get a scream.
5 points: Make said pedestrian break and run.
7 points: Make said pedestrian break and run into oncoming traffic.
12 points: Make an adjacent motorist drive into oncoming traffic.
15 points: The pedestrian is wearing an orange vest and holding a KIDS XING sign.

Cut! Drive off a cliff just before something explodes.

40 points.

How to Tell the Difference Between a Violin and an Accordion

It's one of those awkward moments that happens to everyone. You see someone playing an instrument and go to complement them.

"I didn't know you could play the accordion!"
"It's a violin, you thtoopud!"

Awkward. Very awkward. After a recent incident involving a spatula and a very irate accordion purist, we decided that a public service announcement was in order. What follows is a concise but complete 2-step guide to determining which instrument you're looking at. We like to call it the FCN Accordion/Violin Method, or simply the FAV Method.

Step 1) Avoid making a total fool of yourself.

There are many different kinds of instruments, including bassoons. If the instrument in question is neither a violin nor an accordion, you should avoid using this method. Here are a few red flags:



A big flaring end. This is for sound to come out of when you blow into it. Any instrument with such a device is definitely not a violin or an accordion, and may possibly be a bagpipe.

Frets. These usually come on stringed instruments, which make them hard to spot because violins also have strings (more on this later). Look for metal lines running perpendicular to the strings. If you see them, the instrument is not a violin or accordion. There's an important exception to this rule, however. If the frets are made of paper tape, you can be absolutely certain the instrument belongs to a beginning violinist.

A mouthpiece. Mouthpieces are for blowing into. Violins and accordions are NOT for blowing into. Even a violinist with taped paper frets will not blog into her instrument.

Bigness. Anything requiring wheels, multiple decks of keys, a hand crank, or trade tariffs is probably not what you're looking for.

Safety devices. Instruments are designed to be safe to use (except for harmonicas of course). If you have to buckle yourself into it, it's probably not a violin or accordion.

A trigger. The only musical instruments that come with triggers are custom-made mandolins, the players of which are not to be trifled with. You should never come close enough to an object with a trigger to determine whether or not it is an accordion.

2) Look closely.

This is a violin. Note the bow, strings (without frets), bridge, unique box shape, and tuners.

This is an accordion. Note the keys, levers, handles, contracting accordion bag, and general frenchiness.

And that's all there is to it! Remember that the key to the FAV Method is practice. Don't beat yourself up if you get it wrong a few times. Keep practicing. It's okay to print out these pictures and take them with you for quick reference. Observe a few violins/accordions close up and personal. Note what they have in common and what sets them apart. With time you'll get it and you'll be able to join the ranks of the FAV Masters.

How to Speak Teen

If there's one thing you won't get taking English 1A or reading Merriam-Webster's (two things we get enough of anyway), it's an academic and somewhat-thorough exploration of Teen, the 4th most popular language in the United States (after Spanish, Old School, and English). Communicating in 2008 America makes a working knowledge of Teen a necessity, so we present this glossary for your enlightenment.

All: (adj) (adv)

Indicates a state of being or that the following word/clause/idea will describe the subject. Can also be used to imply opening quotation marks.

He's all, I'm moving to Belize.
And she's all hopping up and down and all, that is so not cool.
And he's all, why are you all way upset.
And she's all, why are you gonna be all Belizian.

When used consecutively, the principles of exaggeration mathematics apply (See: Like).

Teen: He's all, he's all shot in a million places.
English: He was under the weather.

Convention dictates that this word usually refers to the past when applied to someone else, but to the present when applied to the speaker.

Cool: (n) (v) (adj) (adv) (prep)

All-purpose word used to communicate whatever the speaker is trying to say, as with the Italian "prego". Can be combined with any prefix or suffix for enhanced comprehension.

He's cool!
He's bringing the cooler!
He IS a cooler!

Can be used to indicate general positive qualities.

That car is cool!
My doctor is major coolness!
Nazis so un-cool!
It's a cool ride!
Ask a Ninja is cool!

Also to indicate calmness, especially in times of passion or stress.

Go cool off!
He's a cool cat!
Be cool!

Also as an acknowledgment.

"I finished grammar school!"
"Cool."

To draw attention to awkwardness.
"I have small pox." "... Coooool ..."

To communicate acceptability.

"Is 6 o'clock cool?"

"I ran over your flower bed."
"That's cool."

To communicate skill or wickedness (teen usage).

He's a cool driver!
He's cool at making medieval weapons!

To communicate kindness or niceness.

"You want the rest of my sandwich?"
"Thanks! You're really cool."

To communicate the resolution or prevention of relational tension.

"I'm sorry."
"It's cool."
"Are we cool?"
"Yeah, we're cool."

(Note that the 2nd line of this dialogue uses Cool to communicate acceptability, whereas the 4th line communicates forgiveness).

"What's up with you and Jack?"
"It's nothing. We're cool now."

To communicate popularity regardless of inherent worth.

I hate Britney Spear's new album. How'd it get to be so cool?
Bell bottoms aren't cool anymore.
All the cool kids eat at Rick's.

To communicate consent or agreement.

"I'll pay you two-fifty for it." "Cool."

To communicate a state of being without any unique immediate needs.

"Are you still sick?"
"No, I'm cool now."

"She dumped me this morning."
"Are you cool?"
"Yeah. I'm cool."

To communicate a state of total disrepair.

My jeans are cooler!

To communicate a declining of an offer because of a lack of interest and/or a state of contentment.

"I can help you get even."
"No, I'm cool."

To communicate or describe something brilliant and/or random.

"I've got a fever, and the only prescription for that fever is more cowbell!"

Used as a fall back word when all other responses fail.

"My room mate has a problem - thinks he's a refrigerator, sleeps with his mouth open - I can't turn the light off."
"Cool."

"I have established a connection with the spirit world through that lava lamp you threw away. Your great-granddad says hi."
"Cool."

Dude (n)

Informal: person.
"Who's that dude across the street?"
"Bob is a cool dude."

To show greater respect, the word Guy is preferable.

"That's the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He's a pretty important guy."

To show greater intimacy/friendship, the word Bro is preferable. Bro is best used possessively; as "my bro" and "your bro," indicating who the subject is close to.

"Is that your bro Kate who just walked into that building?"

Dude, Guy, and Bro are not gender-specific, but when referring to females, the sentence is sometimes restructured to omit the word.

"Bill is an awesome dude."
"Megan is awesome."

This practice is conventional but not gramatically necessary.

Hecka: (adj) (adv)

Substantial; significantly great, especially to indicate a quantity.

He drives hecka fast!
That's hecka ice cream in that float!
This song is hecka cool!
I hecka love this song!
I use the word "hecka" hecka lot!

Like: (adj) (adv)

Indicates that the word, clause, or idea immediately following is exaggerated.

Teen: "I'm, like, exhausted!"
English: "I'm tired!"

Teen: "That's, like, so far away!"
English: "That's a moderate distance."

Can also indicate an action or state of being, especially in the past, especially involving communication. See: All.

Teen: "I'm, like, I hate you!"
English: "I told him I'd rather be alone."

Teen: "And he's, like, fine, I don't need you anyway; I'll just go back to living with my parents!"
English: "He quit on the spot."

Teen: "I'm all cheesed off and he's, like, dude, chill."
English: "He had to calm me down."

Like is used mathematically with exaggeration words like Hecka. Each Like negates the amplifying effect of a single exaggeration word translating into an English word like many or very.

(Way+Hecka-Like=1)
Teen: The peanut butter was, like, way hecka old.
English: The peanut butter was very old.

(Like-like+totally=-1)
Teen: My computer is, like, like, totally crashed.
English: My computer will be fine.

Own (v)

To dominate; be vastly superior to.

America totally owned Saddam Hussein.

Also used as a noun with the suffix -age.

My governor owns yours.

If the target of the owning is not specified this word implies a general state of superiority.

This soup owns.
Master Chief is total ownage.

In many circles, the word is modified with a P; it's is spelled Pwn and pronounced: pOn. This is often associated with nerds, gamers, and Wikipedia contributors.

Luigi pwns Mario.

Random (adj)

Unexpected; unrelated; selected because previous events have given no warning of it.

"I'm hungry for pork and cottage cheese."
"Your appetite is so random!"

"I was walking in to school today and some random guy came up and started talking to me."

"Flying rutabagas and purple cannonballs!"
"Uhhh ... random ..."

Way: (adj) (adv)

Very; extremely.

This band is way cool!
I'm way tired!

Not to be used to communicate a quantity as "hecka."

DON'T: That's way cars!
DO: That's hecka cars!

Also not to be confused with the English noun with same spelling and pronunciation.

Wicked: (adj)

Good; desirable; to be envied.

That car is wicked!

Combined with "sick" to emphasize a high level of skill or excellence.

Wicked sick!

Combined with any other adjective to emphasize an unattainable quality.

Wicked cool!
Wicked awesome!

Not to be used in a sentence with amplifying or diminishing words.

DON'T: "He's way wicked." DO: "He's wicked sick."

DON'T: "Iowa is all wicked right now."
DO: "Actually let's face it. Iowa is just not that wicked."

So if you can randomly insert the above words in like, your daily language, you can wicked own all those dudes who think they're way cooler than you.

How To Get Your Name Onto Wikipedia

Many people hold the belief that Wikipedia is "editable." By that we mean that Wikipedia is quite tasty and will cause no harm to one's stomach when consumed. Or is that "eatable?" We don't know what we mean. Mommy E, a little help?

Semantics aside, anyone who has tried to add themselves to Wikipedia knows that the process of editing the site can be quite cantankerous; Jimmy Wales doesn't let just anyone mess up his cyber love child.

While it's very easy to make a new article, it's very difficult to have your article published on the official wiki web system. Some have compared the process to Biblical canonization. Apparently Wikipedia expects you to have done something outstandingly amazing to merit a listing, which probably excludes most of the people we spend our time with and eviscerates any chance of our getting in because of our own achievements.

To help all those poor souls who would otherwise spend their remaining days in wiki oblivion, we have composed an extensive (meaning more than four) list of easy ways to make the big time.

1. Jump Off A Tall Building

"On July 5, 1999, Thor Alex Kappfjell was killed in a jump off Kjerag mountain in Norway. Having lost his bearings in the night fog, he crashed into the side of the mountain. His body was found at the base of the cliff, parachute open. Fellow jumpers suspected that he hit the face of the cliff and slid down. He was 32 years old."

Pros - Requires nothing more than a building and your feet (the parachute is, of course, optional). Generally very easy to do. Is stylish.

Cons - Can be difficult to climb to the top of a building. Requires advance notice of the media which may impede ability to perform if law enforcement becomes involved. May result in injury or death (as per our disclaimer, CN is not responsible for any unintended consequences of an attempt).

2. Become A Nobody

And you always thought you had to be somebody to be baptized into Wikipedia. Think again. You can't be just anybody, someone or a random Joe, but you can be a nobody.

Pros - None

Cons - There are no pros. Who needs a Con?

3. Rip Someone Off

As long as it's an original and big heist, Wikipedia will have no choice but to take notice. We would give you our ideas, but we're saving them. Develop your own sense of creativity!

Pros - Few things are easier than stealing from someone else. This is a "double dunk" in the eyes of wikipedia; you will be mentioned, first, because you are a thief, and second, for being a big, fat, jerk.

Cons - You may be unpopular. You break the law. You become closer friends than you want to be with a passel of unsavory characters in your state's detention center. You lose respect. You rip someone off. You sacrifice your dignity and enter the scum of the earth lottery.

4. Reinvent The Wheel

"Spinners are wheel covers which spin independently of the wheel itself when the brakes are applied. This is achieved by using a roller bearing. Typically, the spinners are attached onto existing custom wheels, but there are a couple of exceptions; Dub Spinners and Omega Spinners are the most notable."

Pros - It's been done once, it can be done again.

Cons - You risk inventing something really dumb.

5. Marry A Successful Spouse And/Or Have A Lot Of Successful Children

It's a crap shoot, but sometimes marrying someone who is already worthy of making Wikipedia or having children that Wikipedia decides to shower with affection actually works. I love to read those entries that list people who, according to Wiki, have done nothing in their lives but marry the right person. So lucky. They should spread the love. People who are going to make it to Wikipedia automatically (like Jenna Bush) should marry someone who stands no chance, that way she can bless a "nobody" with wikifame.

Pros - Includes a spouse.

Cons - Includes a spouse.

Here at CN, we are still trying to decide the best option. If we opt for the building hop, we'll let you know in advance so you can capture the YouTube footage.

P.S. Jenna, honey, I'll always be here. If you want to drop me a line, we can talk. I really think we have a future. Call me, ok?