How to Argue like a Liberal

Now that the Obama Administration has really proven that it can get great things done (like making you pay for everyone else's health care), there's no disputing the fact that liberals are better at debating that conservatives. Why? Because conservatives have clunky agendas that don't advertise what the listener wants to hear. Liberal messages are built on emotion, not fact; this makes them vastly superior because they can be presented in a slick and powerful way that appeals to everyone and makes conservatives look evil.

There's no reason you can't harness the power of liberal argumentation in your own life. Whether you're arguing over politics or whose toast is in the toaster, the playbook of America's leaders will get you straight to the top in no time.

1. "You're ignorant." The tried and true work horse of liberal argumentation; this strikes right to the heart of the matter by focusing on the fundamental reason you and the conservative disagree: ignorance. If your opponent weren't so poorly informed he'd obviously be a liberal. And why argue with someone who's blindly defending an ignorant position? Explain to your opponent that he is arguing from a position of ignorance and that all his ideas and worldviews should be promptly replaced with your informed ones.

2. "You're dividing the nation." If not for your opponent, there wouldn't have to be an argument. But because of his insistence on defending his dumb position, the whole ideological fabric of society is being torn asunder. You'll never be able to achieve true unity until your divisive opponent lets this issue drop, for the good of everyone.

3. "I have a plan." Made popular by John Kerry's 2004 Presidential Campaign (which should have won if not for John Edwards who is not really a liberal or he wouldn't be so embarrassing), this tactic presents a quick solution to all the problems in the current situation. You have a plan, therefore, if you're given power you'll be able to solve everything. That's simple logic. But apparently not simple enough for conservatives.

4. "Hope!" Made popular by Barack Obama's 2008 Presidential Campaign (which won in spite of Joe Biden, who was made stupid when he mistakenly drank from the Republican water cooler a few years back), this presents a less tangible but even more effective answer for problems. When your opponent says anything negative - anything at all - accuse him of being a harbinger of fear, conflict, and discord. Encourage him to embrace hope.
5. "This plan is not socialist." If you argue long enough, you'll eventually be called something unpleasant, like a socialist. While a conservative may want to get into pesky details like history and point of fact, you should focus on what really matters: your reputation. Immediately and vehemently protest. You don't have to explain why, in fact you can even say things like: "Just because I want to spread the wealth around doesn't mean I'm a socialist!" Never admit to a title that's anything but positive.

6. "Enough politics." Remember, you're bringing a message of hope and truth. Your opponent is engaging in politics as usual. Anything he says that can't be easily countered by the other tips can be dismissed by accusing your opponent of using the tired tactics that got everyone into this mess in the first place. You're rising above. You're not part of the system, and you're not gonna let your opponent drag you down.

And there you have it! The top 6 ways to argue like a liberal. The playbook is simple, but make no mistake: mastery will take years of practice, and maybe a few overdoses of organic cereal. Stick with it, and in time you can be a debater in the tradition of the greats.

Oink Oink!

The following is a guest post from Elsie,
one of our infrequent but faithful readers.

Today I read a great article - something I can finally feel warm and fuzzy about.

It is earth shattering good news. Science has moved closer to putting pig lungs in humans. Okay, some may argue that my sister already has pig lungs, because in every conversation she hogs the dialog; thus, in her amazing way, she is once again ahead of the curve…but I digress.

Today we can already choose from pig heart valves, tomorrow will be the breakthrough for pig lung transplants. Hey, someday Wilbur can give up his kidney for a good cause (too bad, Charlotte) and eventually many other pig parts can become spare human parts.

Got bunions? We got pigs feet.

We interrupt this post for a previously scheduled prank phone call:

Butcher: “Hello?”
Bored Brat:“Hey, do you have pig’s feet?”
Butcher: “Yes."
Bored Brat: “Well, wear shoes and no one will notice!”

I am sure there will be ethical questions arising from this muddied issue. At what point in the process of pig part accumulation does one, no matter what race and color, become the “other white meat?”

Where do one's voting rights end and animal rights begin? Should humans made up of hog parts even have voting rights?

Oh, I forgot about our political leaders – of course pigs have voting rights, just look at all the pork going around Washington lately.

A note from Helen Kumba

FCN recently engaged in the following email correspondence (republished here in its splendid grammar and spelling original):

Hello,

my name is Helen, i am 25 years in search of a man who understands love as trust and faith rather seeing it as a way of fun always but a matured man with scence of humor. so after reading your profile i derive special interest on you so contact me with this email address (helen.kumba**@*****.com) I believe we can start from here. awaiting to hear from you soon so i can send photos for more introductions.

Kisses
Helen

Hey, Helen. So nice of you to email. I am sure that if we were to read your profile, we too would "derive special interest on you." But what profile are you referring to? Of course, we have a "scence" of humor, we're humor writers! But you want to put trust in us? That might be problematic. You are looking for matured men? You'll find we are well seasoned. Yes, please send the photos...

Hugs
FCN

P.S. Kisses on a first email? You might want to reconsider that.

Hello,

its Helen again. you write like Gollum. Okay. here are the photos:


Kisses
Helen

Hey Helen. My, those photos are candid. They communicate with a clarity and grace that is rarely seen in today's digital photography. You don't look 25, though. Were these edited? Did you fall into an aging pit during a tragic theme park accident? Are you wearing a mask? Does your work stress you severely? That's a gorgeous necklace you have on...we like green. Your smile is very ... powerful. Thanks for emailing your photos to us.

Hello,

Helen again. i lied about my age for introductory purposes. I'm actually 42.

Kisses
Helen

No you're not!

68?

Maybe...

well, I sent you pictures of me. you need to introduce yourself. tell me about your so we can get to know each other. that's how this thing works...

You are Helen Thomas, aren't you?

Well, yes...

Why weren't you honest with that up front?

Because when I tell people that they get all weird. Sometimes people wear an expression that is a combination of revulsion and fear. Other times they just stare. It isn't pleasant. I think it's best if I just keep my identity secret. It gets me further in the dating world. That's why I love the teh web.

Goodbye, Helen!

"Do you guys take food stamps?"

I am a starving college student who frequents Starbucks because it makes me feel better about my lot in life and because it's a great place to meet women. But mostly because it's a great place to meet women. I was at this fine caffeine depot the other day, studying, no doubt, the latest issue of Men's Health or some such auspicious and educated publication, when a woman entered and marched to the barista behind the cash register.

"Do you guys take food stamps?" she asked with a mix of indignation and authority.

I was shocked. Even as a woefully underemployed member of the proletariat, I pay a goodly portion of my paycheck to the state and federal government, which in turn redistribute my income to needy people like this woman. I didn't want her to starve, but I didn't want her to spend my hard earned bucks on her post matin caffeine fix. If you want a coffee and you are accepting food stamps, make it yourself for 25 cents. Don't accept the charity of your neighbor (through the "generosity" of government) to purchase your mocha.

When she heard "no" from the cashier (Whew!), the woman went outside and used the ATM to withdraw cash from her account. She then reentered and purchased a venti.

I am ashamed to say I said nothing to the woman. I should have stood up right there and demanded an explanation for her abuse of western charity. There are people who need the funds she is abusing -- need them to feed their hungry children or get themselves through the week. Granted the standard for poverty in this country is nowhere near what it is in other nations, but there is a place for some redistribution. But this lady was a walking advertisment for welfare reform.

Please, have some dignity.

O's Inauguration Address

One of the most anticipated speeches of the new year is undoubtedly O's Inaugural Address, the speech he will give today after taking the oath of office as the 44th President of the United States. Through devious and irresponsible ways, FCN was able to obtain a late draft of the address -- one of the shortest on record for any modern President -- and we republish it here without permission:

President Bush Jr., distinguished guests, rediscovered family and my fellow citizens, the peaceful transfer of power is rare in history, yet common in our country. George, if you can pick this broadcast up in your Kenyan hut, the peaceful transfer of power is something your country could emulate. I'm just saying...that...with a simple oath, we affirm old traditions and make new beginnings. We draw the curtain on the past and begin a new genesis. We end old dynasties and start new ones. Do you hear that Malia Anne?

As I begin, I thank the outgoing President for his service to our nation. He did not deface public property by removing all the “O” letters from White House keyboards. For that, my administration and the American taxpayer are grateful.

And I thank Senator McCain for a contest conducted with the experience granted only by age. You had a lot of experience, Senator. Thank you for coming today. I know this is early for you and it’s pretty chilly out. But thanks for showing just the same.

As we stand here in this cold, I can’t help but blame former Vice President Al Gore for his effectiveness at curbing global warming. If he were less enthusiastic about eliminating the green house effect and halting the rise of world temperatures, we might be comfortable right now. I might be delivering this august address in shorts and a Hawaii shirt – ‘cause I’m from Hawaii and it would be warmer.

The weather aside, I am honored and humbled to stand here, on this stage that was erected in my honor and will be removed by minimum wage employees after we all go. Minimum wage employees, I might add, who will see a pay increase under my administration if I am able to clear the idea with my conservative cabinet. I am honored and humbled to stand here in front of all you people, almost as many as came out to my little thing in Germany and watch Reggeasänger Patrice, a German pop band Reamonn, a British DJ named Mantu, and me, Barack O’Bama, on a jumbotron. I mean, that was a great experience -- to be lauded by the world like that -- but this is an honor too.

We all have a story, all of us do. Some of our stories are an impromptu collection of chapters, hastily composed and poorly themed. Others have an anthology of words they tie together loosely under the banner of a message. That was McCain's flaw. I have the distinction of having a carefully marketed and highly honed message that is targeted at inspiring hope, passion and resolve among those who hear it. My story is effective because of its ability to motivate, change and motivate change.

You all know my story – it was in that Ross Perot-inspired infomercial before the election – so I won’t get into it now. It’s also really cold -- I can hear Michelle’s teeth chattering all the way over here -- and the punch may get cold if I keep you too long. But you can YouTube it. It’s an American story – about an American who was born in America with a credible American birth certificate and living American witnesses who verify his American legal status.

That was supposed to be an applause line, but we can’t have everything we want, right?

And that was supposed to be a joke. I should probably fire my speech writers. Maybe I’ll give them another chance because they wrote such a good story for me.

Oh. Not again. We seem to have a fainting. Someone fell down. Would you clear a space, please? Let her breathe. Do we have a medic? Some kind of paramedic or nurse or doctor? Here, I have a water bottle. Good thing too. She just needs to have a drink. Clear a path. Let her breathe...

This is what happens when you make history. People faint. It’s also what happens when you don’t eat breakfast or are dehydrated, but history making will do the trick too.

Gosh it’s cold. Did you know that William Henry Harrison died one month after his inaugural address after catching pneumonia at a very cold and wet March 4th inauguration? His speech was over 8,000 words long and took over two hours to read. I didn’t know it either. One of the secret service agents in the armored limo told me on the way up. Sure makes you want to wrap yourself up in some mink or other cute-creature fur and warm away the shivers, doesn’t it?

In fact, I’ve been told – I don’t know this for a fact – but I’ve been told that there is a heat warmed blanket waiting for me in the tinted window limo. That’s the reason we abandoned the retractable hardtop idea and opted for the tinted windows. So get that blanket warmed up, will you Rahm Emanuel? Thanks.

Oh it’s ready now?

Well ladies and gentlemen and George, if you could tune in, that’s about all I wanted to cover in this, my first official oration as President. Let me end by giving the news media a few quotable quips:

"An angel still rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm." That’s from Bush’s inauguration address eight years ago. It’s a good line.

"Intellect distinguishes between the possible and the impossible; reason distinguishes between the sensible and the senseless. Even the possible can be senseless." That’s Max Born.

"I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem. But we never hear that side of the story." That was Lily Allen, the singer. And by the way, I’m trying to quit smoking.

"Hope springs eternal." That’s me. Hope.

God bless you all, and God bless America.

Projected President-Elect!

So Barack O'Bama is going to be our new President. I'm not going to lie: when I heard the news last week, I was elated. We've seen some 37 presidents since FCN started humbly back in 1821, but this guy - the 38th of our auspicious existence - has something different. He is very different. Incredibly unique. The first in a very different and incredibly unique way. How you ask? That's a good question. I'd give you the answer, but the way in which O'Bama is different just slipped my mind. It was right there, but it faded away like an enigma, like an old soldier.

Gagh! I wish I could remember what it is that makes O'Bama different!

I remember now. He's disabled. No. That's not it. He's Asian? Something like that. Hispanic? I'm not feeling it. He's a woman? That just sounds weird. I wish I could remember. He's old? No, that's his running mate. He's a Native American? Now, I'm trying too hard. Oh, I remember now. Barack O'Bama is gay. Yes, faithful few, O'Bama is gay. He is madly in love with Gavin Newsom. No, that's no it either.

I'm sorry faithful few. I can't remember what it is that makes O'Bama unique.

Whatever. I'm not going to cry over spilt milk. Back to the main story. Our nation just elected our second black President (after President Clinton, of course) and the first Arab-African/American.

Arab-African/American. That's the AAA that's not related to cars. It's one more A than the AARP, which O'Bama beat soundly on November 4th. Thank you, I thought that was particularly creative. It's three continents out of seven before Barry even exited the womb. It's a walking museum of cultural heritage. It's one part Machboo, one part Ugali, one part hamburger and three parts pure manly studliness. No wonder Newsome is all crazy about him.

O'Bama's life started rough. The son of a mill worker, O'Bama's father had to borrow fifty dollars to bring him home from the hospital. An impoverished youth, O'Bama saw first-hand the devastating effects of bad government and corporate greed when his family came under financial hardship. Or is that John Edwards? I get the two confused. Regardless, this is rags to riches journey of self discovery is making a stop at the White House. What a great story. This is starting to sound like a bad Disney movie.

And with this grand introduction, we welcome O'Bama to this great land and extend him the highest position of leadership we have. Great job, Senator, we look forward to the next four years.

FCN Classic: 4th of July "Tribute"

We have all heard, I am sure, some enthusiastic mantras of praise for the United States of America; expressions of affection that are normally reserved for lovers or little children are extended with unwavering confidence to a nation of 300 million and no time of year is more prone to these tributes than the 4^th of July, the day set aside to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence, an act that took place a couple centuries and one day earlier.

Do you realize that was all one sentence? Yay for me.

Anyway, FCN hates to be left out of the fun, but we feel that single-minded praise of the USA is nation centric, selfish and egotistical and we therefore craft our 4^th of July Tribute with a focus on other countries. America might be the greatest nation on earth, but that doesn't mean we do everything the best. In fact, if you take apart many of the things that make America “great” we find that other nations may have a better claim to “best.” Take a look at the following examples...

Free Speech

America's founding documents say that the dark beauty of the mind of every man, woman and monkey should be pasted for all to see on every newspaper, wall and museum. The result is personal ads, graffiti and the taxpayer funded “artwork” like the unclothed mannequin squatting on the raw chicken. How much more American can you get?

Perhaps the biggest flaw in our speech laws is that websites like Funny Class Notes are allowed to continue sans sanction or punishment. Regular citizens who make fun of elected leaders and deride the policies of our government are not shut down or even punished. Complete fabrications are allowed unaltered and dry comedy that isn't funny or even inspiring is published anyway. In fact, the White House has been known to give press passes to bloggers and encourage independent journalism by issuing press releases to the pajama media.

A better approach to speech regulation is embodied in China's “One-Word” policy. If one word is out of line, there is no limit to the excruciating pain the government has license to level against you. The flag of China is as red as the blood that runs in the citizens' veins and an acknowledgment of that and subsequent regulation to preserve the serenity and tranquility of Chinese life justifies speech controls.

Quite frankly, we need to be protected from ourselves. When we talk, we use the weapon of James, a terrible tool that can cut down friends, families, and even governments, the most sacred institution of all. A standard that no law can restrict speech is wholly at odds with the realities of today.

Wake up, America; China's got it figured out!

Marriage Laws

For some biological reason, America has it in its thick scull that the only people who can marry are men and women and they can only marry people of opposite genders in units of one. While this policy isn't codified nationally, almost every state has a marriage standard that destroys any chance of turning the love of man and monkey into a legally recognized spousal relationship. Tragic.

In the Netherlands, anyone can get a “Geregistreerd Partnerschap.” Well, more specifically, any quantity of anything and/or anyone can go before the altar (or bookshelf for all the law cares) and lynch the knot. These Partnerschaps can include two or even three partners of any gender background or identity. (Due to a lobbying effort on the part of the canine community, the law currently prohibits unions of four, but the Dutch parliament is working to resolve that and full freedom of spousal interaction is on the horizon).

For a nation that promotes freedom at every turn and prides itself in being the land of opportunity, America sure does limit its citizens' ability to hook up creatively. We allow free speech to run rampant but restrict marriage to the most narrow minded definition. Maybe we can learn something from our Dutch brothers and sisters (and barnyard animals).

The Netherlands are, indeed, the land of the three, home of the brave. America needs to leave behind the antiquated views of marriage and adopt a more progressive view that includes, well, everything.

Wake up, America; the Dutch have it figured out!

Currency

Turning our attention briefly to the somewhat dry – but always crispy – topic of finances, our monetary policy is hoisted (that means it's bad). Our inflation rate is so low and uninteresting, most of you probably couldn't even cite it. In fact, the last time anyone in your family worried about inflation was when your daddy was in diapers. The dollar is just too stable.

In Zimbabwe, a country that wins the award for the best name, inflation hovers around 5,000%. That means that in Zimbabwe money is like a car: It loses most of its value the moment it leaves the mint. But there are some awesome things about having an super high inflation rate. For instance, the currency is printed with an expiration date like milk or yogurt and businesses are not legally obligated to accept old bills as legal tender. This means that immediately before money is about to expire, the economy is boosted with a huge injection of activity, helping keep one of the poorest nations in the world afloat.

If America printed bills with an expiration date, greenbacks would find their way out of mattresses and into the hands of Wal-Mart cash registers, thus helping both the American and Chinese economies. An expiration date is a brilliant way to stimulate economic growth, throw the American consumer for a loop and give Ben Bernanke something to talk about.

Wake up, America; Zimbabwe has got it figured out!

Equality

Somewhere along history's timeline, America picked up a perspective on gender relations that promises equal treatment and the same rights for men and women. That's all fine and dandy in a political sense, but in the real world, where only the strong survive and the weak must wear headscarves for protection, a different perspective is appropriate.

Iran, the land of the great Imams, which gave the world camels and burritos, takes a more Darwinian approach to gender equity. Women are given all their rights by men. As three teenage guys living in America, we think that's pretty cool. Not everything about Iran is that awesome. We can do without the noontime wailing and the bed spreads that pass as casual wear, but the idea of subservient women is attractive. Guys, imagine being able to silence any female with a snap of the fingers. Heck yeah.

Instead of enslaving our female population, America has granted the fairer sex suffrage, land ownership rights and drivers licenses. Women are put as equals to men in government and business and are given the choice to work wherever they want, as corporate executives, small business owners or even mothers.

The day of the liberated woman is over. Iran has recognized this and recaptured the women that were never set free. What a picture!

Wake up America; Iran has got it figured out!

That's our tribute. Hopefully we've provided more evidence in favor of free speech restrictions. We've looked at four countries from five continents to find just a few examples of where the greatest nation on ever is behind the curve. Sorry to rain on the “America is awesome" party. Maybe next year we can celebrate reforms that bring us closer to having an unbeatably great country. Until then, we can continue to suffer - as is FCN's habit - under mediocrity.

FCN Classic: Cowomander in Chief?

This post was written at a scary time when a Billary presidency looked plausible, if not imminent. We repost with a sigh of relief.

News travels slowly through the apathetic information sludge surrounding FCN headquarters, but we nonetheless discerned very quickly that Jillary Clinton is running for president. We are very, very excited about her candidacy for hopefully obvious reasons.

Evidently, Sillary is making the rounds with various news outlets, and we managed to get a piece of her as she prepped for a TV interview with an organization we would like to consider a competitor. Between layers of heavy makeup, she gave us the following conversation (gently edited for content):

FCN: Thanks for agreeing to talk to us.

Hillary: Who are you?

FCN: We're the students from Funny Class Notes. We were told we could talk to you for a few minutes.

Hillary: Who told you that?

FCN: That guy over there.

Hillary: Jack! Come here a second.

Jack: Yes, ma'am.

Hillary: You're fired.

Jack. Yes, ma'am.

Hillary: Oh, and Jack!

Jack: Yes, ma'am?

Hillary: Don't even think about going to work for that [guy running against me].

Jack: Yes, ma'am.

Hillary: And quit saying yes ma'am.

Jack: Yes, ma'am.

FCN: So, if we may ...

Hillary: Oh, you're still here. [sigh] Well, fire away.

FCN: Great! So, you may be the first female president in history! What does that mean to you?

Hillary: Well, I'm big on female empowerment. I think I got it from Bill. The presidency is just another step toward bringing true equality between the genders. I also think it'd be really great to have a president carrying a purse. And mark my words: with me in the white house, state dinners will be worth attending! [laughs]

FCN: What will you do to fight terrorism in office?

Hillary: Hey, if I can handle Ken Starr, I can handle Osama.

[Awkward silence]

FCN: Okay. Some people have accused you of being a carpetbagger. How do you respond to that?

Hillary: You're just saying "some people", but I know who you're talking about. You've been talking to that [guy running against me], haven't you?

FCN: I assure you that ...

Hillary: No matter. Well, there's a huge stream of defeats historically with carpetbaggers losing elections. I think I have a chance to change that and sort of redeem the whole thing. So I'm really going to be hoping for the carpetbagger vote.

FCN: There's a rumor going around that ...

Hillary: You leave my husband out of this.

FCN: Yes, of course ... but we were told that you may become the first president who doesn't drink beer.

Hillary: Ridiculous.

FCN: Can we ask you a sensitive question about your husband?

Hillary: Just be careful.

FCN: What does he think about your candidacy?

Hillary: He's very excited about the possibility of being the first First Man. I believe the words he used were: "All of the perks, none of the duty."

FCN: How well are you prepared to run the armed forces?

Hillary: I like the idea of all those hotshot generals having to answer to a woman. "Ma'am, yes Ma'am!" [laughs] Someone said "Cowomander in Chief." I like that. I like that a lot.

FCN: Some people say men make better leaders than women.

Hillary: I don't know who you've been taking your tips from, boy, but that's [hogwash]. For one thing, we women don't do stupid things in front of the opposite gender to prove ourselves. If [Bush] were a woman, think about all the problems we wouldn't have. It'd be a dream come true. Plus, he'd be a democrat.

FCN: What's your biggest priority for the first hundred days of your presidency?

Hillary: Well, it's a little early to be thinking about things like that, but mainly I just want to prove that Al Gore would have made a terrible vice president.

FCN: But wasn't he once vice president?

Hillary: That's pretty much my point, yes.

FCN: So, you opposed Al Gore's candidacy?

Hillary: Of course not. Don't be silly.

FCN: Some people are speculating about a Clinton-Obama ticket.

Hillary: That's outrageous. I would never let that [person with various properties it is insensitive to mention, particularly in a derogatory fashion] try to piggyback on my success. Do you realize we're courting pretty much the same votes? That [guy] is trying to steal my candidacy! I wouldn't come near him with a ten foot pole. In fact ...

[This portion of the conversation is off the record]

FCN: So, who would you consider for VP?

Hillary: Well, it's all speculation and equal opportunity and all that nonsense right now, but I think it'd be funny to run with Tipper.

FCN: Thank you so much for your time.

Hillary: Sure thing. Oh, and trim that mustache.

An open letter to Hillary Clinton

Friday of last week introduced the kind of unsettling news that has good people like Tatum O'Neal turning to cocaine. Hillary Clinton's cold turkey withdrawal from the race for the Democratic Nomination for the Presidency of the United States has pundits scratching their heads and us here at FCN asking that deceptively simple three letter word: Why? After much soul searching and a trip to the FCN lab, we were still unable to come up with any believable reason for her early exit. But, like the academics we are, we can trump up a simple "I don't know" to make it sound sophisticated. We put our ideas down in an open letter, a draft of which is reproduced below.

Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Ooops, how embarrassing. That's the old address. Here's the correct one:

Ms. Billary Clinton
780 Third Ave, Suite 2601
New York, NY 10017

Mrs. Clinton,

My name is C. I am a writer with Funny Class Notes ("FCN"), the slowest growing humor and satire blog on Al Gore's internet. FCN has a dozen very loyal readers who join me in mourning the loss of your candidacy. I write this note on behalf of our readership, N, Chip and the prodigal contributor, F, who gets listed last because he has the staying power of kindergarten adhesive. Please let these words warm your cold heart. Frame this letter, if that will improve its radiance. Just let my thoughts shine into the darker recesses of your life. I'm not talking about the Vince Foster, Paula Jones, Susan McDougal, Waco Texas or Kenneth Star corners; let's go ahead and leave those dark. Rather, let my words shine into the dim recesses of your life. Let them alleviate the gloom and bring a grin to your eyes, which is the one place I've never seen you smile.

You will be sorely missed. The regular contribution of your pant-suited figure to the headlines of reputable newspapers across the fruited plain was an integral part of my daily routine. You were my motivation to get up every morning and run out to the sidewalk to grab the morning Herald. In my excitement to read the Associated Press' take on your latest verbal gaff or sleep-deprived quotation, I would sometimes scamper outdoors without a bathrobe à la Matthew McConaughey in, well, in any of his movies. Some things were more important than basic decency, like getting a refreshing glimpse of your visage.

Don't misunderstand. You are no messianic figure. People don't worship you or faint at your rallies. The Obamination has a corner on that quality. I am not denying that you do have a certain shrewd mien, but your essence seems more at home in Salem than New York. You were never going to win the Teenybopperette vote. You were never going to win the straight guy vote. You were never going to win the black vote. In fact, your entire constituency is made up of those who have seen Sex and the City which, while substantial, is but a dent in the voting population. Give yourself some credit: with no marketable attributes and a collection of negatives so large, you could give one to each illegal immigrant in the United States and still have some left over for the AIDS victims, you managed to be a burr under the Obamination's saddle for several months. For that we applaud you with a lusty golf clap.

Your performance was nothing short of miraculous. Only you wouldn't use the word "miracle," because your sustained period of non-defeat can be explained by naturally occurring circumstances. Circumstances like Jeremiah Wright, Michelle Obama and Michael Pfleger. You never had to throw your grandmother under the racism bus or distance yourself from your spouse after he embarrassed you publicly. And if you did do that second thing, it was so long ago that everyone has forgotten about it by now, I'm sure. Monika who? Gennifer who? And Gina Gershon?

Billary, you are an inspiration. Like the rodeo cowboy who rides the bull and doesn't let go of his wrist strap even after it gets stuck in the pommel and he's been thrown out of the saddle and his arm is dislocated and he breaks both legs against the side rails. Like the skydiver who, out of principle, refuses to pull the ripcord. Like the coal miner who doesn't cease his labor and continues digging faithfully despite the tunnel's collapse. You found encouragement in small victories and never gave up on the goal. Until now, of course, but you deployed at a low altitude.

You didn't cry, lie or make a fool of yourself. At least you didn't do much of any of those things. Or when you did do them, you apologized for them in a way in which we can all be proud. Or at least, FCN can be proud of you. I'm proud of you, Billary.

Don't be discouraged by this setback. With new technology and aesthetic innovations, doctors should be able to keep your smile looking genuine for another twenty to thirty years. Certainly 2012 is still open for you, if not for Chelsea. And your chances this year aren't over yet. You may be able to pull a fast one on the Obamination and get back to the Vice Presidency. And, who knows, the top spot may open up again. Like you, I'm still pulling for some drama or at least a Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan-type "accident."

I don't want to end a letter on such a dark note, but I haven't had a lot of sleep lately so I can't necessarily be held accountable for my words. Regardless, my affectionate sentiment is hopefully not vitiated by references to Robert Kennedy, may he rest in peace.

You have stolen my awe, amazement and imagination. I only hope you will once again challenge the minds and morals of America at some future date. Whatever obstacles are subsequent, I am sure you will meet them with all the poise behooving your name.

Sincerely,

Funny Class Notes

This Post has no Actual Content

Oh great, another introspective post ...

I was challenged to write a post that did not add any new content beyond what was presented in the first sentence. This is an opportunity to cover ground already trodden. It is a chance to revisit past thoughts and ideas and find fresh angles with which to present them. It certainly does not involve presenting new ideas - just taking the original ideas, rewrapping them, and presenting them again. It's like giving away a gift certificate to a store you never visit. Only it's a challenge; it's a provocation; it's a task available to be undertaken.

Accomplishing the goal is simple - just repeat what has already been said. One might, with only minimal hesitation, use the word: "rehash." Like a dog to his vomit, I return to a worthless sentence and gobble it up, only to chuck it back moments (or sentences) later. I can theoretically continue in this vein - without introducing new content - for as long as one would expect a post to run.

It's not about thinking outside the box - it's about looking at the same box from a different angle. One never knows how many sides it has until one runs out of sides. In the same way, one never can know how long a post can go without introducing new content until all content has been exhausted. And exhausting all possible content is - in a way - what I have been asked to do. I am to continue writing, not to introduce ideas, and hardly even to develop new ones. I write simply to fill the page; to bring the post to the appropriate length.

Here, in the fourth paragraph, I still have nothing new to say. I can only refer you back to the first sentence in the post, which presented the idea which has not only been the main thrust but the exclusive supplier of ideas for every sentence following, including this one, which is particularly lengthy for no particular reason. To reiterate, the beginning of this post is all you really needed to read to know what was going to follow.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, or at least I'm willing to give it an honest shot. Parroting oneself is the key. Having established a basic groundwork in the first sentence, one merely has to duplicate that sentence - or parts of the sentence - over and over again until the correct post length has been reached. And it is in this sentence that I conclude my mirror-like remarks, and, without further ado (by which I mean the ado at the beginning of this post [echoed extensively, as I'm sure you are well aware]), draw this post to a close.

Cold Turkey

Diverting large quantities of carbohydrates and investing billions of our hard earned dollars into research and development has failed to quell our dependence on foreign oil or have any discernible impact on our oil consumption habits. We still shell out for gasoline like booze before the prohibition and guzzle the stuff like a lineman drinks Gatorade.

Do I really need to convince you all that gas is expensive and it "ain't gettin' any cheaper no time soon," as a particularly eloquent commentator explained our situation. If you aren't convinced, run outside to your local filling station and look at the price posted by the pump. If you live within 7,926.41 miles of my house, you will see the price is out of hand. Actually it was out of hand a year ago; now it's out of this world.

Still not convinced? Try walking up to the minimum wage compensated attendant and ask if s/he can cut you a deal. Explain that you are a student strapped for cash or that you just want to stick it to the Saudis. Tell the gas station employee that you want to make a political statement and start buying your fuel less expensively. Ask whether the attendant can help you in this effort by giving you a $1/gallon discount and close the pitch with your best Bob The Tomato smile.

I've tried it a few times. The reaction is either a blank stare followed by a 911 phone call or a response in some Middle Eastern language in a tone that promises a future 911 call. Either way, I am encouraged to shut up and let my pocketbook be gouged.

Oil prices have been linked to all manner of negative impacts. When oil prices rise, we have to spend more on fuel to maintain our current driving habits and have less money to spend on other things. This reduces our overall consumption which means we buy less candy which, in turn, causes General Irritability (GI), a condition that induces such varied and extreme symptoms as increased unemployment, rising suicide and divorce rates and more consumption of such damaging social instruments as alcohol, cigarettes and television. In extreme cases, General Irritability can cause extreme sensation seeking, explosive anger and, yes, even road rage (not to be confused with Road Rash [CAUTION DISTURBING], although that is probably another impact of elevated GI)

You think I'm making this all up, but check it out; it's all in the research. A few years ago, a law was passed to help reduce this General Irritability. Called the GI Bill, the new regulation called for candy drops (like the leaflet drops in Afghanistan (YouTube video below), only sweeter) to solve for the root cause of GI. The law was largely ineffective and found its only real support from the dentists lobby.



Publicly touted solutions to the "Oil Problem" have about as much currency as mercury-filled sandbags for flood prevention. We could invade Saudi Arabia, start drilling in the mountains of Canada or, God forbid, impinge on the breeding ground of the sacred Alaskan caribou (or are they Reindeer?). Since the tranquility of some snow mice in the frozen north is more important then the GI index, we get divorced and commit unholy sepuku whilst the polar bear lobby has delicious meals on K Street.

FCN will not stand by idly as our economy is thrown into a state of total disturbance. With the zero assumption that we are not powerless to halt the reign of oil over our finances, FCN hit the lab and assigned our crack(pot) researchers to developing a solution to this problem. After several hours, a carton of Red Bulls, a visit from a brownie laden Mommy G and a 911 call, we found the solution:

Go Cold Turkey.

Cold Turkey is, of course, a technical term for "just stop it, dang it!" The phrase's etymology takes us back to the days after the First Thanksgiving when the Pilgrim mothers (all four surviving moms, that is) brought out the leftovers from the big feast. At first the Pilgrims were excited to partake of the delicious turkey, until they discovered its temperature. Cold meat isn't nearly as good as the warm stuff, especially in the days before refrigeration. William Bradford is famous for shouting "Cold Turkey" as he overturned the thanksgiving table and threw away the leftovers, thus halting the celebration after three days. Alternate theories of etymology can be found here.

As I said, Go Cold Turkey. To stop consuming oil, all we need to do is, well, stop consuming it. Forget a holiday from gas taxes, let's have a holiday from consumption. Ditch your car wherever it runs out of fuel and start walking everywhere (or find a sucker who still buys gas and ask to borrow his wheels). Quit your job - you won't need to work when you don't have to pay for gas anymore - and become a hermit. Chillax in your own energy freedom.

While everyone else scurries around gobbling up oil, you will know who the real turkey is. And when that gets old, write us and tell us how it went.

The Obese and Bulimic are Responsible for the Food Shortages

Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon announced earlier this week that our world is suffering from a food shortage. Ki-Moon, himself a perfect stranger to want with a figure that challenges the svelte Asian stereotype, announced a plan to begin searching for a committee to start thinking of a way to develop a method to find a solution to this problem. When asked about implementation, Ki-Moon responded that it is too soon to be talking about such final details. With the average cost of food soaring and some Malthusian experts predicting immense food shortages in the future, Ki-Moon is trying to bring attention to a problem that he claims will eventually rival oil price shocks and Al Sharpton in severity.

Perhaps, some experts intone, the problem is that we send too many of our food stuffs to our engines and not enough to our tummies. When oil prices started their meteoric rise a few years ago, some government leaders panicked and intervened in the market to redirect agriculture products like corn and soybeans to the world's gas tanks. Maybe now we are paying the price.

Other political watchdogs say the culprit is the weather and that harvests have declined substantially due to changes in meteorology.

Others blame George W. Bush.

Here at FCN we were dissatisfied with all of these mainstream diagnoses, so we put our crack(ed) staff to work researching the real cause of the world's food shortages. What we discovered will make you want to lose weight the natural way, even if you are 6'2" and 145 pounds.

The obese and bulimic are responsible for today's food shortages. I know, that's a lot to swallow if you've already chomped down on the pre-chewed answers the media are feeding us. If you can keep it down for a couple of minutes, maybe I can add enough spice to make this proposition palatable.

So sorry.

Without exception, fat people weigh more than skinny people. That's a position you can take to the bank and earn interest on forever. In order to maintain their immense bulk, they have to eat more of the scarce products that could prevent starvation in the third world or keep the afternoon growls away in the first world. That's right, when an obese person reaches for another donut, someone dies in a poor country and a white collar American goes without. Further, all the fat guy or girl has to show for it is another wrinkle in his or her fanny.

A good way to redistribute wasted calories and reduce the obesity problem at the same time is to steal food from the hands of fat people. If you see a big guy reaching for another donut, run in front of him and grab it first. Then find a white cardboard box, write "Africa" on the top in a black Sharpie and drop it in the mail. Your postman will either find an emaciated Kenyan to feed or scarf down the donut himself; either way, you will be helping to third world or preventing a decent human being from going postal.

A more insidious threat to global food security is found in the bulimic population. People who eat food, but don't digest it waste the caloric value of their diet entirely and so deprive billions of stable nutrition. Bulimics are especially dangerous because they are so hard to spot. A chronic binge eater may consume two to three times the amount of food an obese person will, but generally looks relatively fit. Without outward signs to warn the rest of us of a bulimic's selfishness, society has no way of knowing who is wasting food and who is using it the way the farmer intended.

If you find a bulimic, get a large white cardboard box, put the bulimic in the box and label "Africa" on the top. Your postman will deliver item to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Finally, start drinking ethanol from the pump. In many states, gasoline is 85% from corn, which is the same thing they make sugar out of. In other words, drinking gasoline is paramount to drinking corn syrup or eating donuts. Just don't smoke afterward.

That's FCN's solution to the problem. It's too bad the Secretary General didn't ask our advice before he...well, wait, he hasn't done anything yet. Mr. Ki-Moon...?

The 'Great' Wall

SAN DIEGO, CA (FCN) – The Bush administration is putting its full backing behind plans to complete the San Diego border fence, a policy which some experts say could reduce the flow of illegal immigrants by as many as three per year. Homeland Security Secretary Micheal Chertoff has agreed to new plans which supersede existing state laws with the auspicious goal of completing the fence.

Click here to keep reading "The 'Great' Wall," originally published in The Pacifican...

Todd’s...Bush’s Problems

Todd gets up earlier than normal. His Palm Pilot promises a busy day ahead and he wants to make doubly sure his hair is combed and that he scrubs all the grime out of the hard to reach places before tackling the challenges de jour. Todd doesn’t think about the filth or the process of removing it, he just knows that uncleanliness is a Bush-sized problem and that it needs resolving with an old fashioned washing.

While Todd is brushing his teeth, he flips on his television. A riot in the capital city has erupted over low wages and President Bush is to blame. On the screen, hundreds of angry union representatives chant pro-worker slogans and Todd finds himself joining in with the professional protesters, lifting his free hand in a fist while moving the toothpaste around in his mouth with his Sonicare bristles.

Those poor souls, why did President Bush have to hang them out to dry like that? Isn’t there enough wealth in this country for us all to prosper without depressing the blue collar laborers of our country? Todd can’t comprehend the logic that would motivate Bush to treat the backbone of the American economy so unfairly.

Todd walks into the kitchen and pours himself a bowl of Cheerios. He goes to the fridge and reaches in for the milk, only to be greeted by an empty cold shelf. Todd is out of milk. Todd is confused at first, but then he understands: Bush miscalculated with the dairy product allotment. Todd can’t understand how the President has control over his own milk supply, but he doesn’t need too. He knows that Bush is at fault and leaves the figuring to others. President Bush wasted a perfectly good bowl of Cheerios.

On the way to work, Todd passes a nasty car accident. He joins the other drivers on the road in rubbernecking the incident and rolls down his window for a better view. A woman is sitting on an overturned 5-gallon bucket with a shawl wrapped around her shoulders. She is shaken badly by the accident and cries loudly, so that even Todd can distinguish her words as he drives by. “If Bush hadn’t started his radio address just as I was merging, the accident never would have happened. What an idiot we elected!”

The radio has good news. The stock market rallied yesterday and appears to be doing well today in early trading. A commentator notes that some caution should be maintained in analyzing the data as long as Bush’s economic policies are in place. “Short-lived growth will invariably be followed by periods of contraction as long as Bush is in the White House,” the voice on the radio said to conclude his analysis.

Todd shakes his head in agreement. All the talk of recession makes so much sense now.

Todd gets to work a few minutes late. His boss is waiting at his desk with a stack of files and looks upset to see his employee arrive tardily. Todd explains that he was held up by road construction and would have told the story about the traffic accident had his employer not interrupted. “That construction on Fourth and Vine?” The boss’ face softened as Todd nodded his assent. “If Bush had only vetoed that transportation bill, we would not be wasting money on this kind of project.”

Todd’s job keeps him hopping until lunch when he leaves the office with Janet to grab a bite. On the way to the local sandwich depot, he notices the price of gas. Janet sighs and makes a disparaging comment about Bush’s foreign policy. Todd knows Janet is right and dreams of change...and hope.

At lunch Todd flips idly through the newspaper while Janet tells him about her financial difficulties. A violent crime was committed the night before and the gruesome details are revealed in stark black and white. The police chief blames the President for not giving his force adequate funding. The article is sympathetic to the suspect and critical of Bush.

Todd zones back into his conversation with Janet. Her car payment is coming due and her alimony check is late. Todd grimaces with each new detail Janet adds and finally offers some encouragement. “If Bush had passed his tort reforms, maybe you would have that resolved now. He sure did mess up family law.”

While Janet agrees with his remark, Todd thinks about what he said. He had never given the court systems much thought, but knew exactly who to blame when confronted with a problem. And why not? Everyone else finds reasons to blame the President; who’s to say he didn’t cause all these problems?

Gotcha!

Give people a chance to speak their minds, give them a public forum and this sort of thing is bound to happen. A few weeks ago, FCN gave readers the opportunity to write their own posts on Wednesdays. We relinquished control over our very carefully policed post creation policy and let readers create their own content. We disregarded our own lengthy training and intense qualifications as bloggers and gave the faithful few the floor.

The result? Our own readers caught a slight discrepancy between fact and the reported reader statistic on our sidebar. The sidebar clearly says visitor #11 since 2006, a fact first noticed by Unique #11. Big Mo, Sarah and FCNisFake jumped on the bandwagon revealing what appears to be, at first rush of blood to the face, a bald-faced lie.

Let us start off by saying that we miswrote our stat counter script in December of 2006. We had heard reports of eleven readers but none came to visit during the "corkscrew-style" diagnostic test period which formed the template for future measurement. Now, it is possible in the most recent instance in which we discussed this that we misspoke with regard to, you know, the hit counter. The facts are clear from contemporaneous news accounts that we were entering a potentially dangerous situation, and we have written about this before, we have talked about this before and there you have it.

There were reports of visitors in the hills who never actually made it to the site. That is what we wrote on FCN, that is what we have said many, many times. And on this one occasion we misspoke, but it’s — the record is clear in terms what we have said before on this topic.

We had not slept for several hours straight, our schedules had been really hectic and our memory was clouded by the events in our lives. Our love lives were wrecks, we were sleep deprived and our memories were clouded. We regret having misrepresented the truth, but remain confident in the general facts.

A second analysis, this time looking more closely at the relevant data and ignoring information which would distract from the goal of an accurate count, reveals that the actual number of visitors to this site since December of 2006 is 12. Older evidence showing our unique reader count at eleven may have been fabricated - or even an outright lie - but other, unnamed evidence is incontrovertible. We promise. The total number of readers is 12. That you can take to the bank or stuff it in your mattress.



Or is it more like this:

How my love affair with an analog computing device left me completely and utterely single in my tech life.

Two weeks ago, my family owned three computers. The first was a shiny new laptop I had received for Christmas. The second was an ancient unnamed desktop from the late '90s that sat in a closet gathering dust.

The third computer, a laptop named Cidny (yes, it is spelled like that), wasn't as old as our unnamed PC, but, unfortunately, young age is not equivalent to young looks. Poor Cidny had traveled to over 16 states, been on two different continents (three if the Hawaiian volcanoes keep erupting) and has been dropped approximately 12 times.

As one would expect, Cidny eventually went kaput. Or capoot. While this was expected, Cidny's death was untimely, considering I was in the middle of writing the most brilliant FCN post ever. On February 14th, 2008 Cidny quietly slipped away into analog non-existence and joined the masses of outdated PCs and all useless Macs. The FCN crew quietly (or in C's case, loudly) added this to the long list of things to mourn.

So we were down to one laptop and one old desktop. This created an interesting dilemma, considering the size of our family. So we developed a system for choosing who used the computer first. The process consisted of the following important steps:

1. International Dibs Protocol - Upon the arrival of the involved participants at the breakfast table, the person who first calls “dibs” becomes the moderator for the following discussions.

2. Daily Planner and Presentation - The participants give their plan for the day and why they believe they should be allowed to use the computer first. Everyone is allotted ten minutes for their presentation. All speech material that is not original must be sourced and the original documentation available for further discussion.

3. Cultural Constructivism - The participants then cross-examine the presenter. If his/her projects are deemed harmful to mankind, s/he may be expelled from any further discussion and will probably lose the communal vote.

4. The Communal Vote - All participants are allotted one vote, which they may give to any person other than themselves.

Because there is no clear way to measure the cultural usefulness of reading online comics and playing video games, this process often takes a long time. The end result is a very long debate on the benefits of Monkey Ball Junior.

This democratic system worked for a few days until some of our family members attempted to start a revolution. Although the supporters of peace and democracy (that would be me) eventually won the long and bloody battle, my laptop was destroyed in the process. To make a long story short:

Buy computer insurance.

If you don’t have computer insurance, don’t put soda by the keyboard.

If you don't have computer insurance and put soda by the keyboard, spare yourself heart ache and don’t arm wrestle by the soda and the computer.

So my family is left with one ancient desktop that doesn't even have FireFox. Maybe someday I will find a new love. Until then, I sit here typing on a library computer, tragically, hopelessly and technologically single.

Aviso: Muestra de Boleta

I just received the Sample Ballot for my first ever Presidential Primary and it came with a big surprise. No, it's not that Tom Tancredo is the first GOP candidate listed or that Alan Keyes made the ballot. Nor is it that the Sample Ballot arrived before any of the candidate's campaign solicitation. Rather, I was shocked to learn that I will have a say in the Mexican election.

It's true. Written in large letters on the front of the ballot are the words "ELECCION PRIMARIA PRESIDENCIAL," which, roughly translated from Latino, means "Mexican Presidential Election." Then, in clear and bold Chicano, the rest of the very femininely colored document provides guidelines for voting (how to leave a hanging chad and how to vote if you are dead). Even the name of the county (San Joaquin) is written in Spanish.

This is amazing! Mexican workers have long had a say in our elections, now we get to meddle in theirs; with this election, Californians control the political destiny of our neighbor to the south.

But who should I vote for? Fox had a great mustache, but Calderon has that weasel face that many politicians wish for but only a precious few ever achieve. Eww, yes! Neither of them are remarkably handsome, although Fox might lay claim to some Clark Gable similarities and Calderon could be mistaken for an Enron executive. Oh what a tough decision! Maybe I should do what the average American does and just not vote.

But my civic duty calls. The neighbors to the south need my input. Not voting would be a betrayal, a declaration of anarchy. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even the country that is turning our borders into mince meat and our sovereignty into ash. So I must vote.

It seems as if every election gives me the opportunity to vote for a foreigner. First there was Schwarzenegger who was born in the land of weight room and then came Jerry McNerney, my congressional representative, who, last I checked, hailed from the planet Mars. Even if I turn to the English part of the ballot (where the Cali side of Mexifornia gets its say), there are a series of propositions designed by "Native" - because they were here first - gaming interests. Goodness people, whatever happened to the soft, overweight, white, English speaking, male politician?

Give me Duke Cunningham and Jack Abramoff any day.

So I'll be brushing up on my Spanish as well as Mexican current events over the next few weeks in order to preparo for el Super Tuesday eleccion. A lot of work, I know. On the plus side, now I have something in common with everyone else on my street.

On Psychopath Rights

For a long time, we here at FCN have more or less kept to personal issues and stayed out of politics. We don't like to embroil ourselves in the system when our ideas are already so well defended by people like Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama (both of whom we are strongly considering endorsing for President).

But there is a critical issue that is going almost totally undressed unaddressed in today's political debate, and it's high time a dialog was begun. In a society that prides itself on providing equal rights to all, FCN must be the voice that defends an undefended minority: the psychopaths.

That's right, the psychopaths.

Few people don't know that psychopathy encompasses a small but growing minority, including approximately one in five federal prison inmates. And while other minorities like women, asians, homosexuals, and vegetarians are making steady inroads toward acceptance in modern society, psychopaths are still regarded with an emotional, primeval horror.

Psychopaths make most people feel very uncomfortable. Think back to the first time you saw someone with a skin color radically different from your own. Probably the only thing keeping you from hiding your discomfort was the fact that you knew (because you had been told beforehand) that race has no effect on personhood. When you meet a gay person (this assumes you are not also gay), you don't recoil with a queasy expression. This is because you know better. You know that gays are people too.

Alas, no one is speaking in defense of the American Psychopath. There are no Psychopath organizations and the few support groups all treat psychopathy like some sort of mental disease, just as the American Psychiatric Association did homosexuality until 1973. There are no Psychopath rallies, holidays, or parades. There are no cities associated with psychopathy (although I went to Nice on the French Riviera once and thought they were pretty open about it).

Here's the deal: in a society which actively seeks to embrace every sort of minority, psychopathy is inexplicably and openly condemned. It's not acceptable to be a psychopath in today's day and age. You don't see psychopaths coming out of the closet! Why? Because if the public gets wind of it, you'll find yourself behind bars or worse within a matter of months.

Oh, you think we're exaggerating. You think the criminal justice system doesn't have a bias against psychopaths. Then how do you explain the fact that fully half of all convicted serial and repeat rapists are also psychopaths? Obviously this is because psychopaths don't stand a chance before a prejudiced jury.

Someone ought to do a To Kill a Mockingbird remake involving a psychopath.

Folks, it's time to set our primitive discriminatory misgivings aside and embrace all Americans as truly equal. It's time to realize that psychopaths are people too, which of course means we need to treat them as if they were exactly the same as everyone else. It's time to let go of our fears and take the hands of the people on either side, and unite in a great big circle and sing kumbaya.

Maybe then psychopaths will have true representation, equality and opportunity in this country. If you are voting in any election tomorrow, please don't hold anyone's psychopathic tendencies or identity against them. Look beyond the brain-deep flaws and cast your vote without prejudice.

Three-on-one with Ron Paul

It's getting to be that time of year again, and that means it's time for FCN to endorse a candidate. Of course, we're not the types to give out an endorsement without a careful analysis of each person's awesomeness and a confirmatory interview. We decided we wanted a Republican candidate because we don't like Killary Clinton, so we sifted through the mob and settled on someone who really looked promising: Dr. Ron Paul. This guy, we reasoned, was inherently cool. Having a beer with this guy would be fun. We could see ourselves endorsing this guy. So we set up the confirmatory via conference call. The transcript follows.

//BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

RON: Ron Paul speaking.

FCN: Hey, this is Funny Class Notes. We negotiated with your secretary for five minutes.

RON: Take all the time you need.

FCN: Great! So, first question: what's the biggest thing that makes your candidacy different from all the other republicans in the ring?

RON: Well, if I had to pick one thing, I think I'd take my support of limited constitutional government. My opponents have clearly demonstrated a lack of willingness to fight for the constitution at best. But perhaps bigger than that is my voting record. I've never voted to raise taxes, restrict gun usage, or increase government power. I voted against the Patriot Act, I voted against the War in Iraq, I voted against internet censorship - I even voted against Martin Luther King Jr Day. That's the number one thing, really: sound fiscal policies. Our budget is a disaster right now, boys. And part of it is related to what may very well be my biggest issue: open trade. Of course, that's not the same thing as open borders. I intend to close the borders, put an end to taxpayer support of criminal aliens, and stop birthright citizenship. That's sort of the raison d'aitre of the campaign, unless you count my stand on Health Freedom. I've consistently introduced and supported bills in congress like the Access to Medical Treatment Act that give Americans choices about their medical care, and I led the opposition to bills like HR 5005, that would have force-immunized everyone against small pox. You know what they put in those immunizations?

FCN: Uh, no ...

RON: Chickens, that's who. Chickens.

FCN: I'm confused.

RON: Were you immunized?

FCN: I ... think so.

RON: Next question.

FCN: Okay, let's see ...

FCN: What do you consider to be your ...

FCN: Hey! I thought we agreed I was going to ask the questions.

FCN: Well, you weren't asking, so ...

FCN: Just let me handle this, all right?

FCN: Okay, sorry. Wow. Touchie, touchie.

RON: While you boys were arguing, I realized what's probably the number one biggest issue in my campaign.

FCN (together): Let's hear it.

RON: Withdrawal from international organizations like NATO, the UN, the WTO, the ICC, CAFTA, GATT, NAFTA, the NAU, the IMF, and the World Bank. We've got to pull out with all urgency. That's the first thing I'll get to when I'm president, just as soon as I'm done codifying protection of unborn life. If there's one thing I learned delivering more than four thousand babies as an ob-gyn, it's that life begins at conception.

FCN: So ....

RON: Actually, it looks like I'm out of time.

FCN: But we only did one question.

RON: It was a good question. It covered a lot. Okay, I really have to go. Bye!

//END TRANSCRIPT

After an interview like that, we had no choice but to go back to the drawing board. We agreed unanimously that Ron Paul is not that candidate for us. I mean, he completely dominated the conversation, made us look like idiots, and generally took away our appetites. We would not have a beer with Ron Paul. He can drink alone, thank you very much.

So we're still on the endorsement hunt. If you have any names to volunteer, we'll welcome them gladly.

Pop Quiz #3

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls please clear your desk of all notebooks, papers and digital assistants and prepare yourselves for an FCN Pop Quiz! You may, of course, keep your computer on, just don't click on the answer hyperlinks until you've answered all the questions. That includes you, Team Cheese; no fair clicking on the hyperlinks until after taking the quiz. Simply select the best solution you can, maybe scratch a notation on a pad of paper to signify your decision and force a modicum of consistency, and look at the bottom of the post for the answers.

1. Who is older?

a) Cindy Sheehan

b) Shania Twain

c) Oprah Winfrey

d) Cynthia McKinney

2. Which of the following pled guilty?

a) Scott Peterson

b) Micheal Vick

c) Tim Donaghy

d) Phil Spector

3. Which is a bigger killer of American males (measured by total mortality)?

a) AIDS

b) Alzheimer's disease

c) Flu

d) Colon Cancer

4. Which nation has the highest tax rate (measured by the highest average effective tax rates on business capital investments)?

a) United States of America

b) France

c) Congo

d) Hong Kong

e) Mexico

5. Which Republican candidate won the Iowa straw poll?

a) Mitt Romney

b) Mike Huckabee

c) John McCain

d) Ron Paul

Ok, have you finished? No fair peeking unless you're done...

If you answered "C" to questions 1-4 and "A" to question 5, you aced the test. That's pretty good; you did well enough to enroll in a European school.

If you answered something other than the key listed above on one question, you did decently. I hear an American private school calling your name.

If you missed 2-4 questions, you are a product of the American public schooling system. Not a lot you can do about that, buddy. I have some controlled substances that help ease the pain, but you are pretty well situated in your peer-defined education. Enjoy it.

If you missed all the questions, you should try cheating next time or join me in America's higher education system. Or you could go back to day care. Or you could leave a comment disputing the answers and bemoaning the quality of our pop quiz.