Life Tip #32

Be careful at the McDonald's drive through for moving vehicles.

Be very careful at the McDonald's drive through for customers who fall asleep in between the order and pick-up windows.

Be very, very careful at the McDonald's drive through for customers who fall asleep in between the order and pick-up windows, especially for the ones who have drunk twice the legal limit of alcohol.

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SWM seeks VGL DTE SWF ISO LTR. WLTM. Not looking for a LDS. DWF need not apply. If interested, please email FunnyClassNotes@gmail.com. SWALK. XOXO.

Life Tip #31

Don't fly with tuberculosis.

This is particularly true if you have an especially dangerous, highly contagious and untreatable strain of TB.

If you must fly with an especially dangerous, highly contagious and untreatable strain of TB, don't be headed for a wedding.

If you must fly to a wedding with an especially dangerous, highly contagious and untreatable strain of TB, make sure it's not yours.

If you must catch TB, fly, and get married, don't be under the first quarantine order since 1963.

Cindy Sheehan is a Filthy Quitter

Caution: This post is not very nice to Cindy...

Almost two years ago, a Heroine of audacious tenacity, the Matron Saint of Peace Advocacy reacted to the violent loss of Her son to protest our country’s invasion of Iraq. This advocate raised the white flag and waived it militantly. She protested what She saw as a travesty of justice by purchasing a small tract of land adjacent to our President’s ranch plot and setting up a camp on that property which She named after Her late son.

She then joined on the talk show, TV and late night circuses, collecting support for Her cause and rallying Her anti-war troops. She called out the Commander-in-Chief to explain Her son’s demise and threatened both major political parties with exposure. More than just threaten, She actually exposed, digging up some dirt and lobbying in favor the changes She felt were necessary.

Then, with little warning and no named successor, Cindy Sheehan quit. On Memorial Day of all days, Sheehan said She had “failed” her late son and would now be packing up her fliers, bumper stickers, hats, pins and triangular flags and leaving Texas and maybe the USA altogether.

Sheehan says Her departure is due to slanderous and hurtful comments from the political left. She could take flak from the right but not from the left. She said She felt She’d been double crossed. Some in Her entourage claim the promise of an especially warm Al Gore summer was the last straw. Other’s felt it had something to do with a tempting offer from PETA. But regardless of her rationale, the Human Dove (Bar) is leaving tens of hundreds of faithful protesters without a leader.

It’s like the disappointment of Lindsey Lohan collapsing during a drunken cocaine binge or Rachel Smith falling on stage during the evening gown portion of the Miss World competition – we are sorry not to see the glamorous conclusion of Your efforts.

The army of peace has lost its Head; the battalion is without a Commanding Officer.

C’mon Cindy! Leading an underground political movement isn’t like smoking; You don’t have to quit. Just because You’ve been betrayed by the left doesn’t mean You are justified in betraying them back.

Where will the dried up hippies who’ve found new life and moisture under Your leadership flock now? What will become of the Leave Iraq activists who used Your movement as a way to release long suppressed tensions? Will the social miscreants who found purpose under Your banner have to return to bum-dom or will another leader rise from the ashes to call out our president? Who will this Phoenix be and how do You know his motives will be as pure as Yours?

Here at FCN, we think You’re a filthy quitter. Your son gave the ultimate sacrifice in a cause he thought was right and just – he’s a hero, no question – and You tried to make his life into something new after his demise. You tried, but You quit.

Go now. Leave. Fee to Canada, France or the Caribbean or wherever it is defeated leftists reside when the smoke clears.

Have a good life. And please don’t come back in a few months on an Anniversary tour to release a few birds and deliver some tired Bush jokes. You’re yesterday’s news. You’re a filthy quitter. And we don’t like You anymore.

Seventh and Eighth Reader!

Two days ago was an historical day in FCN history: we logged our seventh and eighth readers. At first we thought Uncle Wally hadn't checked his counter in a while or his calibration was out of whack; nothing else seemed to explain the readerplosion. On further, CSI type inspection, we discovered that not only was the information accurate, but our two additional readers were from the same general location.

At first, we thought we were receiving a super powerful signal from one computer, but a piece of bailing wire, a toothpick and a watch battery revealed that we were actually the recipient of two distinct signals from the same household or general area.

In the past our readership had increased one reader at a time. A visitor from outerspace joined us and was followed some two and a half months later by one from Zimbabwe. Maybe we're seeing evidence of FCN missionaries carrying FCN tales around like so many honey bees. Or, perhaps, the attractive lifestyle of the derelict is finally seeing its heyday.

We were going to write something really snazzy for our seventh reader, about how seven was the number of perfection and reason and how the number looks like a coiled cobra or a “one” turned backward. We were going to mention that seven is the fourth prime number, second safe prime, second lucky prime, first Woodall prime, third Lucas prime, first Newman -Shanks- Williams prime and fourth factorial prime. We were going to say how ironic it is that seven is both a Carol and Kynea number. We were going to remark that seven both a happy number and self number.

Maybe it's just best we skipped all that; it might have gotten too deep and mathematical.

We couldn't think of anything cool for eight; it's just another even multiple of two that can be divided by four and one. It is, however, one greater than seven, so we are glad to have it instead of its predecessor.

We don't know the names of our two new readers – the Internet is funny like that – but we do know their location – the Internet is, well, funny like that. The map below was generated by our specialized software and is therefore grainy and so zoomed out that the red location glob covers three states. It does, however, tell us that our two new readers are from the heart of the American Midwest and it's always great to see hometown proud Americans on a humor blog run by a passel of left coasters.

But I digress; here's the map:

The occurrence of two singles living so close together that they emit the same signal is so slim that we can practically assume that our two new readers are married.

Since we don't know our reader's names, we are forced to guess. A typical American female name is Jane. A typical American male name is Dick. Dick is, of course, short for Richard and Jane is short for Janeesha.

Since the signal comes from the mid-west (the Nebraska, Kansas, Colorado, Missouri area), we can infer that our new readers are moral people who regularly model proper citizenship virtues. They rise at 0500 (or at least they checked FCN at 0500) and milk their cows promptly thereafter. They have few vices, but FCN is proud to be one of them.

In short, they are live reenactments of Grant Wood's Gothic American:

At our current rate of growth, our old calculation of 79 million years until we take DailyKos by storm may have been a couple million off. It's looking more like 76,590,928...and counting!

As always, thanks for reading and commenting. With such awesome and active readers, it's almost as if our blog had many more faithful few than it actually does. Almost.