The Constitution of the Divided States of America

We, the people of the Divided States of America, in order to form a much more perfect union, establish tolerant systems of justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense of the “little man," and secure the blessings of Libertarianism for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Divided States of America.

Proposal: In preparation for the Presidential Election in 2012, The Advocates of the DSA do hereby propose a geographic relocation of persons according to party affiliation. We suggest that all Democrats be pushed to the west coast, all Republicans be moved to the east coast, and all undecided and independent voters be placed in the Midwestern states. Inasmuch as many liberals already reside in Left Coast states, this plan should not require too much rearranging. In addition to campaigning in their own territories, both parties will be able to access the quagmire of undecided and independent voters in the Midwest by pressing in on both sides.

Disclaimer: This should not be confused with gerrymandering practices. The Advocates of the DSA is a non-partisan, social awareness group.

The Plan: Relocation should begin as soon as possible in order to allow a proper length of time before the 2012 election. This plan would allow 3 presidential candidates to be chosen, one from each territory. For example, the left coast would choose a candidate, the right coast would choose a candidate, and so on. Then a battle royale would begin in the summer of 2012. No doubt, each side will release a barrage of cutting, critical commercials dissing the other candidates. There will be a series of scripted debates that will be held in the Battleground Middle-ground states. Consequently, on election day, the candidate with the most votes wins. Who needs the electoral college anyway? The only people who understand the electoral college are the people who went to school there.

Assuming, arguendo, that a tie occurs, a staring contest will be held to determine the winner.

Some people may attempt to distort their political affiliations in order to benefit their party by infiltrating enemy territory. Although some people will succeed in their efforts, an elephant test will be conducted if concerns are raised about a person's party connections. For example, a case of Obama bumper stickers found hidden in a garage would be enough evidence to send a person to the Left Coast.

Divided we stand, United we fall.

FCN BC08: F - A Mandate for Progress

The polls are closed, and F has won a landslide victory over the field.

The actual percentages are confusing and might mislead you into thinking F wasn't winning the whole time. It might even suggest the election was close! This is, of course, untrue. Here's a simple breakdown of the poll results:

F: 1
EVERYONE ELSE: 0

This affirmation of F's posting style and leadership spells great days ahead for FCN. In the next board meeting, F will not answer to the usual titles (like "F" or "Dude"). Now, he will answer only to deferential titles (like "Victorious Victor" or "Most Superiorly Excellent Poster" or "The People's Choice"). F's opinion is infinitely more important than that of the losers who didn't get as many votes as he did.

Naturally, F isn't letting the victory go to his head. In fact, he's being incredibly gracious about it. He even announced in an internal email that he will adress his fellow contributors as equals even though they are clearly inferior to him. He could really rub this in their faces, but he's not. Just goes to show what a great guy F is.

It's a new year, under the affirmed leadership of a man who was once kicked off the blog. How have the mighty fallen in the midst of war! Who's laughing now? F is, that's who.

Booya.

- An Impartial Third Party Commentator

Pelosi Issues Coded Message During State of the Union

WASHINGTON DC (FCN) – In a speech that was largely a repeat of his seven previous State of the Union addresses, President George W. Bush (R-Texas) delivered his eighth and final speech on the condition of national affairs. The address, which was ignored by middle class America in favor of 2008 primary speculation and Super BowlTM hype, centered on the economic, military and celebrity qualms our nation currently finds itself in and came just short of endorsing Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) for President.

But the real story from the State of the Union speech came from the stiff-backed wooden chair situated above and a little to the left (audience POV) of the Commander In Chief. CongressWOman Nancy Pelosi (D-California) gave viewers at home a first class display of political maneuvering as she delivered a simultaneous Democratic response to the President’s words.

“To the untrained eye, it really looks as if her contact lens is irritating her or she forgot her morning Visine. It’s actually reminiscent of vintage Clinton falling asleep during an MLK speech, except she was blinking proactively,” explained former Democratic strategist and talking head George Stephanopoulos (D-DC) as he stood on a booster box to speak to America after the speech. "I can't believe we missed this, given how long it's been happening and how obvious the communication is," Stephanopoulos added doing his best Scott Hamilton voice.

Code specialist and former KGB counter-intelligence agent Vladimir Loginova gave some more clues in a phone interview after the address, saying “It’s a basic code, really. Dits and dahs; the same thing Samuel Morse came up with for the telegraph back in the 1840s. At first it looks like she has a mental problem and she is blinking to cover it, but a closer examination reveals a blink rate of about 100 blinks per minute (BPM). A 100 BPM rate doesn’t come without a purpose.”

Loginova got to work soon after the address, pouring over YouTube video and communicating with other ex-KGB agents about the blinking. He soon discovered that a long blink equals a “dah” and quick, flutter-like movements represent “dits.” Using this paradigm, Loginova decoded the following message:

"This seat is hard. Remind me to use a cushion next year. Tell Billary to start working on our economic smear campaign. Reuse the 2004 election plan of attack. Call the networks and try to get them to flash the death toll in Iraq right now. Again now. Can we have an amputee in studio for a ‘victim’s response?’ Cancer kid works, too. Have James Carville arrange it. The camera had better not be panning to Obama right now. Call Fox and threaten to dig up more dirt on O’Reilly if they don’t focus on Billary. Man, this seat is hard. You’d think we could smuggle sum kind of padding into these august chambers. Is this almost over? It reminds me of some of Clinton’s extended oratories. Have a couple aspirins waiting for me when I get down. Oh, and fire Mike; I need more minorities on my staff. Ok, finally.”

In his report, Loginova really got a kick out of Pelosi’s use of the term “august” but criticized her for blinking with both eyes simultaneously, a behavior which slowed down her rate of delivery by a factor of two.

Democratic analyst Al Franken (D-Mars) commented to CNN after the Democratic response that the coded message was probably intended for Maye Antonin, the congressWOman’s personal assistant and longtime associate. The reference to “Mike” was probably Micheal Smith, the only white male in the congressWOman’s inner circle.

Vice President Dick Cheney (R-Wyoming) barely blinked at all during the fifty minute address, leading some to wonder if he was even conscious during the speech. Then a wry scowl would cross the politicians features and the attendant EMTs would return to their state of heightened alert (Yellow on the VP heart risk scale).

A GOP insider has informed FCN that this election cycle’s VP pick will be a “speed blinker” who is better able to “compete” with speaker Pelosi during next year’s State of the Union.

Aviso: Muestra de Boleta

I just received the Sample Ballot for my first ever Presidential Primary and it came with a big surprise. No, it's not that Tom Tancredo is the first GOP candidate listed or that Alan Keyes made the ballot. Nor is it that the Sample Ballot arrived before any of the candidate's campaign solicitation. Rather, I was shocked to learn that I will have a say in the Mexican election.

It's true. Written in large letters on the front of the ballot are the words "ELECCION PRIMARIA PRESIDENCIAL," which, roughly translated from Latino, means "Mexican Presidential Election." Then, in clear and bold Chicano, the rest of the very femininely colored document provides guidelines for voting (how to leave a hanging chad and how to vote if you are dead). Even the name of the county (San Joaquin) is written in Spanish.

This is amazing! Mexican workers have long had a say in our elections, now we get to meddle in theirs; with this election, Californians control the political destiny of our neighbor to the south.

But who should I vote for? Fox had a great mustache, but Calderon has that weasel face that many politicians wish for but only a precious few ever achieve. Eww, yes! Neither of them are remarkably handsome, although Fox might lay claim to some Clark Gable similarities and Calderon could be mistaken for an Enron executive. Oh what a tough decision! Maybe I should do what the average American does and just not vote.

But my civic duty calls. The neighbors to the south need my input. Not voting would be a betrayal, a declaration of anarchy. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even the country that is turning our borders into mince meat and our sovereignty into ash. So I must vote.

It seems as if every election gives me the opportunity to vote for a foreigner. First there was Schwarzenegger who was born in the land of weight room and then came Jerry McNerney, my congressional representative, who, last I checked, hailed from the planet Mars. Even if I turn to the English part of the ballot (where the Cali side of Mexifornia gets its say), there are a series of propositions designed by "Native" - because they were here first - gaming interests. Goodness people, whatever happened to the soft, overweight, white, English speaking, male politician?

Give me Duke Cunningham and Jack Abramoff any day.

So I'll be brushing up on my Spanish as well as Mexican current events over the next few weeks in order to preparo for el Super Tuesday eleccion. A lot of work, I know. On the plus side, now I have something in common with everyone else on my street.

Three on one with Mike Huckabee

Unsatisfied by our previous encounters with various presidential candidates, we followed the advice of our esteemed readers and tracked down the personal email address of Mike Huckabee. Note that this is not very easy to acquire. Uncle Wally broke a sweat over the keyboard and ended up getting the keys wet. We blew a fuse and had to go to the computer lab to continue working.



A transcript of the email conversation follows:



From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 9:17 AM
Subject Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Dear Mike (We hope you don't mind if we call you Mike):

We write for the humor blog FunnyClassNotes.Com and are seeking a candidate worthy of endorsement. We have a readership of eleven and counting and are set to take over cyberspace by the the spring of 79062826 AD. Are you interested? If so, we'd like to ask you a few questions.

Write back.

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 11:42 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

Hey guys. I remember one of my staff members mentioning your blog awhile ago. Great to hear from you.

I'm very interested in your endorsement and can't wait to get started. Ask away!

Mike

PS. I don't mind you calling me Mike. Everyone else does. I don't even know what it's short for anymore.




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee Date Sep 12, 2007 11:46 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: That's exciting! Who mentioned us? Was it complimentary?

Here's your first question: Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform, once called you a "serial tax increaser." What do you say to that?

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:13 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

It was Stacy who used to work at the campaign regional office headquarters in California. She was trying to explain her nervous breakdown and subsequent hospitalization.

Ah, yes. Norquist. I never was much of a fan of his. Well, I may be a bit of a tax booster. I mean, when I was Governor of Arkansas the state payroll increased twenty percent and our general debt increased by a billion dollars. People focus on things like that and call me irresponsible. Like those rats at the Cato Institute, who had the nerve to give me an F grade for spending and tax policy. People like to focus on the costs, but they ignore the benefits. When my service as Governor was over, the state of Arkansas had a one billion dollar surplus. That's results. That's clear, empirical proof that my constituents were being well served.

And don't worry about taxes when I'm President. I signed the PTPPPATR.

Keep the questions coming. This is fun.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:20 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: Sorry to hear about Stacy. I'm sure it was one of the other two contributors that made her snap, if that's any comfort.

What's the PTPPPATR? It sounds tasty.

There's always been a flurry surrounding your stance on immigration. What's your vision exactly and how will you act to bring it reality as president?

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:13 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

Um - that doesn't really comfort me at all. Earth to FCN. I have no idea who's who. It's an anonymous blog. Hello.

It stands for the Presidential Taxpayer Protection Pledge of Americans for Tax Reform. Try to keep up with the acronyms.

I'm glad you asked about immigration because it's one I have very strong feelings about. I'm all for sealing the border, but when it comes to people who are actually here, I think it's ridiculous the way we're behaving. It's like: "You broke the law, so now we're coming down on you like a ton of bricks." It's shameful, really. Instead of being malicious toward these people, we need to shake hands with them. We need to make friends with them. We need to realize that these are people just like you and me. There's nothing that makes us any more American than them, besides maybe the fact that we're Americans. To think that these people are unable to obtain government benefits like Federal Aid simply because they don't pay taxes is unthinkable. It's unchristian. And it's bad politics. Let's melt ourselves down into the pot of diversity.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 6:38 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: Well, I can't help you much there, except to say that I'm not one of those other two guys.

So, it sounds like you support amnesty? Is that correct?

What do you think of your odds of victory?

The FCN Team





From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 13, 2007 11:02 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

I really don't think you get it. I don't know who I'm talking to.

I absolutely do not support amnesty. Amnesty is a big taboo word up on the hill. I'm very careful to say that I oppose amnesty to illegals. It's just that I want them to be welcomed into the country, which is hardly the same thing. Hardly.

After all, if we can't reach out to minorities (by which I mean illegals), the GOP doesn't stand a chance in the next election. Minorities want foreign work. They want the illegals who are already here to get stamped. If we give them that, the Dems won't know what hit them. They'll be all: "What hit us?" and they won't know.

Well, I placed second in the Iowa straw poll back in August right behind Romney, who we all know is going to lose steam any day now. I mean, the guy doesn't stand a chance. He's a Mormon, for crying out loud. Haven't you been reading the news about the FLDS? That's almost the same thing as the LDS. Please. Romney? Pschaw.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 13, 2007 11:41 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

All due respect, but I think you're the one who doesn't get it. I don't know how to make this clearer. I'm the trustable contributor. Why can't you believe me?

You mentioned Romney, but how about some of the other front runners like Giuliani and McCain?

You've worked hard to associate your image with health advocacy. Back in 2003, the New York Times said of your 110-pound weight loss: "It was as if he simply unzipped a fat suit and stepped out." You've run in marathons, you won the AARP Impact Award ... can you tell us a little about how this relates to your candidacy, if at all?




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 15, 2007 1:41 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

This is ridiculous. I don't have to keep listening to this drivel. I don't even think you're making an effort to understand me. Forget this. Forget this interview. Forget your stupid blog. Forget Giuliani. Forget McCain. Forget minorities. I have nothing more to say to you.

Except go read my book, Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork. That'll answer most of your questions. The remaining questions can be answered by good acne medication. Now stop emailing me.

Mike




Obviously, we really couldn't walk away from this experience ready to give Mike Huckabee a glowing endorsement. We liked his positions, sort of. But that temper of his! Wow. We can't believe the way he treated us. What a politician! We get a little warm under the collar just thinking about it. What an overreactor.

So, the search goes on.

Three-on-one with Ron Paul

It's getting to be that time of year again, and that means it's time for FCN to endorse a candidate. Of course, we're not the types to give out an endorsement without a careful analysis of each person's awesomeness and a confirmatory interview. We decided we wanted a Republican candidate because we don't like Killary Clinton, so we sifted through the mob and settled on someone who really looked promising: Dr. Ron Paul. This guy, we reasoned, was inherently cool. Having a beer with this guy would be fun. We could see ourselves endorsing this guy. So we set up the confirmatory via conference call. The transcript follows.

//BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

RON: Ron Paul speaking.

FCN: Hey, this is Funny Class Notes. We negotiated with your secretary for five minutes.

RON: Take all the time you need.

FCN: Great! So, first question: what's the biggest thing that makes your candidacy different from all the other republicans in the ring?

RON: Well, if I had to pick one thing, I think I'd take my support of limited constitutional government. My opponents have clearly demonstrated a lack of willingness to fight for the constitution at best. But perhaps bigger than that is my voting record. I've never voted to raise taxes, restrict gun usage, or increase government power. I voted against the Patriot Act, I voted against the War in Iraq, I voted against internet censorship - I even voted against Martin Luther King Jr Day. That's the number one thing, really: sound fiscal policies. Our budget is a disaster right now, boys. And part of it is related to what may very well be my biggest issue: open trade. Of course, that's not the same thing as open borders. I intend to close the borders, put an end to taxpayer support of criminal aliens, and stop birthright citizenship. That's sort of the raison d'aitre of the campaign, unless you count my stand on Health Freedom. I've consistently introduced and supported bills in congress like the Access to Medical Treatment Act that give Americans choices about their medical care, and I led the opposition to bills like HR 5005, that would have force-immunized everyone against small pox. You know what they put in those immunizations?

FCN: Uh, no ...

RON: Chickens, that's who. Chickens.

FCN: I'm confused.

RON: Were you immunized?

FCN: I ... think so.

RON: Next question.

FCN: Okay, let's see ...

FCN: What do you consider to be your ...

FCN: Hey! I thought we agreed I was going to ask the questions.

FCN: Well, you weren't asking, so ...

FCN: Just let me handle this, all right?

FCN: Okay, sorry. Wow. Touchie, touchie.

RON: While you boys were arguing, I realized what's probably the number one biggest issue in my campaign.

FCN (together): Let's hear it.

RON: Withdrawal from international organizations like NATO, the UN, the WTO, the ICC, CAFTA, GATT, NAFTA, the NAU, the IMF, and the World Bank. We've got to pull out with all urgency. That's the first thing I'll get to when I'm president, just as soon as I'm done codifying protection of unborn life. If there's one thing I learned delivering more than four thousand babies as an ob-gyn, it's that life begins at conception.

FCN: So ....

RON: Actually, it looks like I'm out of time.

FCN: But we only did one question.

RON: It was a good question. It covered a lot. Okay, I really have to go. Bye!

//END TRANSCRIPT

After an interview like that, we had no choice but to go back to the drawing board. We agreed unanimously that Ron Paul is not that candidate for us. I mean, he completely dominated the conversation, made us look like idiots, and generally took away our appetites. We would not have a beer with Ron Paul. He can drink alone, thank you very much.

So we're still on the endorsement hunt. If you have any names to volunteer, we'll welcome them gladly.

Cowomander in Chief?

News travels slowly through the apathetic information sludge surrounding FCN headquarters, but we nonetheless discerned very quickly that Jillary Clinton is running for president. We are very, very excited about her candidacy for hopefully obvious reasons.

Evidently, Sillary is making the rounds with various news outlets, and we managed to get a piece of her as she prepped for a TV interview with an organization we would like to consider a competitor. Between layers of heavy makeup, she gave us the following conversation (gently edited for content):

FCN: Thanks for agreeing to talk to us.

Hillary: Who are you?

FCN: We're the students from Funny Class Notes. We were told we could talk to you for a few minutes.

Hillary: Who told you that?

FCN: That guy over there.

Hillary: Jack! Come here a second.

Jack: Yes, ma'am.

Hillary: You're fired.

Jack. Yes, ma'am.

Hillary: Oh, and Jack!

Jack: Yes, ma'am?

Hillary: Don't even think about going to work for that [guy running against me].

Jack: Yes, ma'am.

Hillary: And quit saying yes ma'am.

Jack: Yes, ma'am.

FCN: So, if we may ...

Hillary: Oh, you're still here. [sigh] Well, fire away.

FCN: Great! So, you may be the first female president in history! What does that mean to you?

Hillary: Well, I'm big on female empowerment. I think I got it from Bill. The presidency is just another step toward bringing true equality between the genders. I also think it'd be really great to have a president carrying a purse. And mark my words: with me in the white house, state dinners will be worth attending! [laughs]

FCN: What will you do to fight terrorism in office?

Hillary: Hey, if I can handle Ken Starr, I can handle Osama.

[Awkward silence]

FCN: Okay. Some people have accused you of being a carpetbagger. How do you respond to that?

Hillary: You're just saying "some people", but I know who you're talking about. You've been talking to that [guy running against me], haven't you?

FCN: I assure you that ...

Hillary: No matter. Well, there's a huge stream of defeats historically with carpetbaggers losing elections. I think I have a chance to change that and sort of redeem the whole thing. So I'm really going to be hoping for the carpetbagger vote.

FCN: There's a rumor going around that ...

Hillary: You leave my husband out of this.

FCN: Yes, of course ... but we were told that you may become the first president who doesn't drink beer.

Hillary: Ridiculous.

FCN: Can we ask you a sensitive question about your husband?

Hillary: Just be careful.

FCN: What does he think about your candicacy?

Hillary: He's very excited about the possibility of being the first First Man. I believe the words he used were: "All of the perks, none of the duty."

FCN: How well are you prepared to run the armed forces?

Hillary: I like the idea of all those hotshot generals having to answer to a woman. "Ma'am, yes Ma'am!" [laughs] Someone said Cowomander in Chief. I like that. I like that a lot.

FCN: Some people say men make better leaders than women.

Hillary: I don't know who you've been taking your tips from, boy, but that's [hogwash]. For one thing, we women don't do stupid things in front of the opposite gender to prove ourselves. If [Bush] were a woman, think about all the problems we wouldn't have. It'd be a dream come true. Plus, he'd be a democrat.

FCN: What's your biggest priority for the first hundred days of your presidency?

Hillary: Well, it's a little early to be thinking about things like that, but mainly I just want to prove that Al Gore would have made a terrible vice president.

FCN: But wasn't he once vice president?

Hillary: That's pretty much my point, yes.

FCN: So, you opposed Al Gore's candidacy?

Hillary: Of course not. Don't be silly.

FCN: Some people are speculating about a Clinton-Obama ticket.

Hillary: That's outrageous. I would never let that [person with various properties it is insensitive to mention, particularly in a derogatory fashion] try to piggyback on my success. Do you realize we're courting pretty much the same votes? That [guy] is trying to steal my candidacy! I wouldn't come near him with a ten foot pole. In fact ...

[This portion of the conversation is off the record]

FCN: So, who would you consider for VP?

Hillary: Well, it's all speculation and equal opportunity and all that nonsense right now, but I think it'd be funny to run with Tipper.

FCN: Thank you so much for your time.

Hillary: Sure thing. Oh, and trim that mustache.

State of the Union 2007

The following is a transcript of President Bush's State of the Union Address as delivered on January 23rd, 2006, The Most Depressing Day of the Year:

Mrs. Pelosi, loyal members of the GOP party, Zillary Clinton, Baruch Obama, and You, Time’s Person of the Year:

Bill Clinton, when he was president, set the time record for the longest State of the Union Address ever. He clocked in at just under six hours and forty minutes, a real feat given his heart condition. I always admired people like Clinton, Harry Truman and Jimmy Stewart who could chew the air for hours like that, so today I want to beat Clinton and enter the record books as the biggest windbag ever to sit in the Oval Office. [CHEERS]

Actually I’m just kidding. I’ll say a thing or two about the war and then we’ll all be out of here. [BOOS]

As is customary about this time of year, Karl prepared a speech for me to deliver outlining the last twelve months and road-mapping the next twelve. It is the year two double “o” seven and that brings new challenges and more burdens to our nation; challenges and burdens the newly empowered Democratic Party is just itching to handle. [APPLAUSE]

Congress has changed and so have our responsibilities. No longer will cost cutting and reducing wasteful spending be meaningful goals for this formerly august body. No longer will we hide our ties to special interest groups. No longer – [APPLAUSE] No longer will we hold back the incomes of the poor, disenfranchised, entitled and reparation worthy (that is to say, the minorities) of this great land. No – [SUSTAINED APPLAUSE]

Thank you. That’s probably enough on that point.

You all came out here today, not to vote more money for your districts or find a way to criticize our hardworking troops abroad (although you’ll probably find a way to do that when the party really gets started when I step down), but to listen to my analysis of the state of global affairs.

There is a common misconception that this speech is constitutionally mandated. It’s not. I could faint right now and my duties as President would still be fulfilled. That’s just an important thought to keep in mind as we get into the controversial content.

We have a duty as politicians to step forward, to make flowery speeches in disaster regions, to hawk our nation’s posterity for a couple cheap votes and to generate quick fixes for America’s most pressing problems, fixes that won’t come undone until the next Party is in office. Those are our duties. Sometimes we come short, but we always try.

Next week I’ll have a full report on the state of our economy. Our trillion dollar government machine couldn’t get it done before the deadline and so nobody really knows what’s going on in the financial world right now. When I do, I’ll sit down with Jack Abramoff, Speaker Pelosi, the two Clintons and Reverend Jesse Jackson to iron out some meaningful economic solutions.

I have a few ideas that I’ll bring to this culturally, ethnically and ethically diverse group.

First, it's high time we balanced the budget. There's been a lot of talk in this chamber about the budget, and most of it has been a waste of time. The fact is, almost all of government spending is pretty much essential, and many programs are underfunded, like research grants to make cars run on grass and money grow on trees. Cutting funding to the arteries of America's success is not the answer. [APPLAUSE]

Cutting taxes is also not the answer. We ... [APPLAUSE] Well, apparently you get the idea. So, I urge Congress to balance the budget without reducing spending or increasing taxes. It is only in this way that we can hope to keep America fiscally and economically strong. [APPLAUSE]

Before I talk about my other proposals, I want to take a moment to recognize my darling wife, Laura Bush, who spends her time every day doing the kinds of things the rest of us only do on the campaign trail. Her hard work and dedication will pay off when she runs for president in 2016, by which time she will be the second most battle-hardened politician in the country, right after Chelsea.

Now about that second idea. Money has a way of seeping through our government like water through a strainer. It can't be stopped. Just can't. [PAUSE] One thing we can do to make us feel better about the situation is earmark that money so everyone knows who it was wasted on. That's right, instead of just dumping tax dollars down the sink or leaving it out in the sun for buzzards, so to speak, we'll assign it to specific money-wasting projects so at least we'll know where your retirement money ended up.

Third, I want to talk about Social Security. The idea of forcing younger people to pay for you gets more and more attractive every day, which is a big reason I supported old people benefits from day one. And that's also why I want to make sure it's still around when I get old. That is, older than I already am.

I warned you people last year that Social Security was a mess, and I worked hard to get it fixed, but some of the people in this chamber were too obstinate to work with me, and the ones that tried to help got kicked out of office a few months ago. [APPLAUSE] Last year, I warned you that unless something changed, we'd be faced with three foul-smelling options: huge tax increases, huge deficits, or huge and immediate cuts in benefits. Well, nothing changed, and I'm here today to break some sad news. We'll have to pretty much do all three, after which Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security will probably die out anyway. [APPLAUSE]

The public education system is all about imparting knowledge and character to America's youngest. Decades of testing have demonstrated the only real source of knowledge and character is what people? Say it with me: taxpayer dollars! That's right, one more time! Hear that echo?

It's come to my attention that some people in this great nation - mainly the ones that arrogantly hire and support thousands of workers - aren't paying their fair share. Which is why I'd like to encourage Congress to continue to support the No Taxpayer Left Behind Act, which closes the economic achievement gap by bringing the rich back to the level of the little people. And where does that leave us here at Capital Hill? [SUSTAINED APPLAUSE]

Health care is a big weakness here in America. Some of you here in this chamber believe we should socialize it - make it all free. We are inexorably moving in that direction. [APPLAUSE] I'm a conservative, which means I need to have different ideas about health care. I have no illusions, however, about where any of this is headed. So here's a way we can all be happy. We'll make all kinds of complicated tax breaks and schemes for poor people. This will have many effects: everyone will think their taxes are being lowered, the IRS will take on more employees, and best of all, the arrogant rich will get fleeced to pay for the ever-needy poor. [APPLAUSE]

As you can tell, health care is a sore spot for me. I guess the more time I spend with Dick, the more bitter I become. It's terrible what the doctors have done to that guy. He's practically half-machine by now. Almost inhuman. Imagine. Our Vice-President, a cyborg. Kind of blows your mind just thinking about it.

Okay, I guess we should address the elephant in the room now. You know, the little thing we have going on in the Middle East. That is to say, Saddam Hussein's former country? That really spells it out, doesn't it? You know, so much has been said already about this politically charged topic that I don't see anything to add to the dialogue. You know where I stand; I know where you stand. So let's move on. [APPLAUSE]

Dick and I have been through a lot. We have met challenges and faced dangers, and we know that more lie ahead. Yet we can go forward with confidence - because the State of our Union is strong ... our cause in the world is right ... and tonight that cause goes on. [APPLAUSE]

The Most Depressing Day of the Year

You, the faithful FCN few who regularly visit our humble blog, probably come here to get your measured dose of satire, synicism and silliness (the three Ss of FCN writing) and maybe to chuckle off a few pounds. If that's your reason for surfing here today, you're in for a major disappointment.

Today is not a day to be funny. To attempt anything light would be sacrilegious on so momentous a jour, to use a little français. The irony of humor might even make the day harder to bear, driving us all to an early grave and weight gain. We write this, not because we're a passel of cruel savages, although that might very well be the case, but because today is:

The Most Depressing Day of the Year.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, the experts who study this sort of thing have decided that, of all the 365 days that populate our datebooks and cell phone calendars, today is the day most likely to inflict a long face (see above photo).

Here's the formula:

The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) motivational levels and (NA) need to take action.

Here's the logic: As the weather of winter becomes colder, wetter and generally danker, the debts and assorted costs of Christmas express their fiscal impact, and the good vibes of Christmas join our New Year's Resolutions as distant memories, we become depressed. All these factors combine with increasing intensity to tell our brains to release commensurate stress hormones and our faces slowly morph to more closely resemble John Kerry's.

Most folks quit trying to keep their New Year's Resolutions three weeks to a month after New Years. Life gets too hard, the pounds just stop falling and we begin to realize just how expensive a nicotine strip really is. It's back to the same old same old and the imminent recycling of New Year's Resolutions, which, for some reason, gets people down.

Debts also come due about this time and the wisdom of getting the multitude of yuletide gifts for all those “friends” is not as clear as it was standing next to that persuasive sales clerk at Mervyn's a month ago. Visa and Mastercard are more concerned about their bottom line than your hypertension, so when the two conflict, you pay up. Ouch.

Finally the motivation, encouragement and rejuvenation we get during the Christmas season evaporates pretty quickly when school and work recommence. Even though Grandma is back in her happy home, normal day-to-day tension is stronger than that brought about by extended family.

This year a passel of over-educated psychiatrists and assorted therapists have determined that the most dreary day falls on Canada's election day (today).

I know, cheerio. At least it's not a Monday, right?

Despite the fact that the Patriots lost the AFC championship, the Democrat Party controls Congress, American Idol's continues to dominate prime time, Prince is doing the Super Bowl halftime show and the Oscar nominated films don't beat YouTube for content, we here at FCN see several reasons to be cheerful about the day:

1. It's 342 days until Christmas. Which is nice.

2. It could be any number of days until your next birthday, which, depending on your age, is nice.

3. A man survived a 300 foot fall from a hotel window. He is probably going to sue. Hey, it could happen to you.

4. Google is still doing well and shows no signs of slowing its rabid growth. We know, you don't care and you're never going to actually follow that link, but its still there just in case.

5. Paula Abdul is fine. Really.

6. McDonald's is going to start serving burgers on a comet! Or are we misreading this headline?

7. The new Boeing 747-8 sure looks comfy. And it's made in America!

8. Internet Explorer is being replaced by open source browsers like Firefox and Opera.

9. The year can't get any worse; all days from here on out will be better!

10. New Year's resolutions are no fun, anyway.
    

Have a great 23^rd everyone!

Politics is like show business

This is a class note contributed by a female fan. Obviously, we at FCN are very excited about this because it is the first conclusive proof we've encountered that females read this blog (besides our moms).

Its theatre is packed with patrons who eagerly await temporary pleasure, caring not about long-term consequences. They have riches, and will spend them indiscriminately. They have morals, but will cast them aside without discernment. Perhaps there is somewhere else they should be going, but in their ignorance, they have forgotten where.

The politician enters the stage. He is an entertainer playing to a captive audience. His face, painted brilliantly, conceals who he truly is. Through a delicate dance, he courts the majority of the crowd. He only needs the approval of half to make a buck. The rest are irrelevant to him.

This dance becomes inappropriate. For a split second, his fans wonder if something is not right. Weren’t there guidelines for behavior? A few walk out of the theatre. Others vocally protest and must be removed. Yet the entertainer’s presence is more powerful than ever- the majority cannot leave.

The guidelines don’t matter, the onlookers decide. They never did. The entertainer knows best.

In a moment, another character appears. Deliberately and slowly, he enters the stage. His face is ghastly for lack of paint. His voice is plain; his movements simple. He struggles to deliver a message, but it isn’t what the people want to hear. There was a time when entertainers were different? Ludicrous. Make the old-fashioned fellow go away. Perhaps he thinks he is an entertainer. But to the audience, he doesn’t compare.

And so the entertainer restarts his dance- hips swaying to the music, eyes full of flame. His opponent is gone; his fame is secure. Laughter and excitement resume again. He pleases the people, he notes proudly, that’s all that matters in the end.

The theatre reeks with the wine of democracy. But everyone is too drunk to care.

News Flash: 12/28/06

John “Plastic Dough-Boy” Edwards Announces His Candidacy for President.

Although the drama was botched by his campaign people who put the announcement up on the “Official Website” a day early, Edwards is bringing his ultra-white Colgate Grin^TM and other accoutrements to the Democrats. After doing the obligatory talk show and TV rounds, the prettiest face on Capital Hill made the announcement from New Orleans wearing a brand new pair of Levi's. Edwards has no known relatives in Louisiana, does not currently represent anyone in the Bayou State and has done little for the region as a Senator. He nonetheless chose New Orleans as the place to state his candidacy. Edwards quintessential political philandering and trial lawyer looks got him the VP slot last election cycle. He hopes to improve on that performance in 2008.

Harry Reid Has More Important Things To Do Than Attend Presidential Funerals.

Incoming Senate Majority Leader Harry “Casino Harry” Reid will miss Gerald Ford's funeral and attend the Machu Picchu Inca ruins instead. Stating that “because the Incas have been dead longer” they deserve first priority, Reid will join five other Senators in publicly snubbing the former President, who can no longer speak to defend himself.

Iraqi Leaders Get Cold Feet on Hussein Execution.

Citing hypertension and acid reflux, several officials in the Iraqi “interim” government have publicly declared that the former dictator and convicted mass murder may be kept alive for longer than the mandated 30-day execution window. Officially, the excuse is a “misunderstanding” in the death penalty statute (some wonder how dead Hussein has to be in order to satisfy the court's mandate) and the perpetrator of the Dujail killings may have to wait 'till February to receive his sentence.^[1]

Wikipedia To Compete Against Google.

The encyclopedia king is taking on the search king with a new search engine titled WikiaSari (pronounced wi-kee-sorry, which is what they'll be in a year and a half). Like Wikipedia, this search engine will be maintained by angels in heaven and be rife with controversy. Even Jimmy Wales, the founder of Wiki, admits that few will use it; he just likes the logo. ^[2]

Footnotes.

1. When Hussein heard the news, he did something involuntary.
2. A search for “Hussein” on WikiaSari reveals “0” results. Wales has a ways to go.