New Year's Resolutions

We've done this before, so I guess it's a tradition. For 2009, a few New Year's Resolutions we promise to keep.

We promise to get our comma problems under, control.

We promise not to look down on or denigrate our college-age friends who play in sandboxes.

We promise to pick up a plastic shovel and quart-sized bucket and play with our college-age friends who play in sandboxes.

We promise to give people at least a foot of personal space.

We promise not to drop everything when a baby in a restaurant starts crying and try to out-scream him.

We promise to stop taking unnecessary vacations from FCN just because we feel like it.

We promise to not make any jokes about Oprah's book club. Because it does have some great works of fiction.

If we do lie to our readers, we promise to lie about something small; not anything as big as a Holocaust romance.

We promise to notice when people don't want to talk about it.

We promise to make a better attempt at keeping our New Year's resolutions.

We porimse to porof raed all cntoent befroe pbilushing.

We promise to be less pathetic more often.

We promise to stop singing in the shower.

We promise to stop making special trips to the shower in order to sing.

We promise not to hide lollipops in dieter's purses.

We promise to stop refreshing the FCN page every half hour in hopes of new comments.

We promise to clean our rooms.

We promise to stop poking fun at Mr. O and to start calling him by his proper name, Mr. O'Bama.

We promise to stop wearing pajamas to our afternoon classes.

We promise to call our grandparents sometimes.

We promise to never take your mother out for a steak dinner and not call her back. Ever.

We promise not to get too obsessed with the christmas tree decorations this year.

We promise to stop toying with the wait staff at fast food restaurants.

We promise to stop giving bad advice to kids who should know better.

We promise to apologize to parents to whose children we have given bad advice.

We promise not to give parenting advice to parents of misbehaving kids.

We promise to ask at least one question in class next year.

We promise to feel a pang of regret when we get our grades back.

We promise not to take off our shoes on airplanes.

We promise not to strike up conversations with people riding first class.

We promise not to hang out in the restroom just because we want some personal space.

We promise not to make a game of how much stuff we can sneak past security.

We promise to start shaving, even on days when we don't see females.

We promise to stop using the subjunctive when we mean to use the infinitive.

When listening to our iPods in class, we promise not to play the volume so loud the teacher can hear it.

We promise never to lie to our readers ever again. Ever. And this time we mean it.

2008: A Year to Fit Between 2007 and 2009.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled FCN BC08 for your regularly scheduled New Year's posts.

Well, the year is over, as of 23:59:59 hours after this is posted.

It's been a good run. All kinds of things happened, which we will prove by fondly remembering them at this time, month by month.

JANUARY

Bush delivers a State of the Union address, which, unlike the one before it, focuses mainly on foreign affairs. He touches briefly on all the bad guys left in the world, such as democrats, and wonders aloud about amending the constitution to prevent them from holding office.

The democratic presidential race is shaken when the number 44 appears on Mr. O's forehead, presumably as an act of Some Vague Providential Being or Force that We All Believe In.

Bank of America buys Countrywide Financial and no one cares.

Hillary Clinton makes the memorable statement: "Boys are stupid."

FEBRUARY

Writer's Guild of America considers ending the strike and decides not to.

Mr. O rightfully calls himself: "The son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas, ordained to save America by all that is good in this world."

Bank of America's takeover of Countrywide Financial hits several snags related to the SRM Global Fund. Bank of America asks for a hug but doesn't get one.

A technical failure prevents BlackBerry users from accessing the interwebs for three hours. One of them exclaims: "I didn't know we had a pool!"

MARCH

US Yacht Club hosts America's Cup. This year, it proves to be the most exciting series of matchups in 157 years. In spite of this achievement, it remains even more boring than curling and snail racing combined.

In a suburban residence in Kansas, a fierce argument over the merits of Mac vs PC ensues.

Mr. O's pastor is revealed to have made some remarks which would have been very inappropriate coming from a white person. Mr. O makes a rousing speech which is instantly recognized as the greatest speech ever in the history of everything. A memorable excerpt: "I am not a black man first, and I am not an American Patriot first. In my mind, there is no difference between them."

A Rolling Stone staff writer invents the word "squeeb" and it doesn't catch on.

APRIL

Bank of America reports a 77% decline in earnings, which it blames on "those cheeky sniffing baboon nazis" at the SRM Global Fund.

F comes very close to getting a girlfriend but ends up playing Halo with the guys instead.

The IRS takes candy from a baby.

Scientists unearth the oldest human remains ever to be found in the Americas. Sophisticated dating equipment places the prehistoric fossil - which was apparently electrocuted by faulty wiring in a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner - at fourteen thousand years old.

Pope Benedict XVI visits Washington DC and urges every American to "do better."

MAY

Hugo Chavez refers to German Chancellor Angela Merkel as "Adolf Hitler without a mustache."

Bank of America/Citywide Financial announce that they will spend "the remaining 22%" on a Bankruptcy Prevention Fund. SRM Global is heard making sniggering noises.

Mr. O causes the sun to shine and the flowers to grow.

A disillusioned farm girl who went to Hollywood to make it big as an actress realizes they "just want me for my body."

JUNE

John McCain asks an aide: "Why are we campaigning in Barstow?"
To which the aide replies: "I'm not exactly sure."

A scientific breakthrough indicates that sandwiches made with bumblebee tuna are tastier than any other kind.

The UN tells Africa: "I don't care who started it. Both of you go to your room."

Virgin Galactic announces a "Race for Space," in which it will compete against itself.

N is invited to go backpacking in Europe. He turns down the offer because "the dollar is weak and I have homework to do."

JULY

Bank of America completes its purchase of Citywide Financial but forgets to get its credit card back. The bank calls later in the day to say it will swing by tomorrow to pick it up.

The release of the iPhone 3G renders MP3 players, gaming consoles, GPS devices, personal computers, telephones, hard drives, headphones, binoculars, webcams, crock pots, taking notes in class, saying I'm Sorry, the nation of Ukraine, and the Samsung Instinct obsolete.

James Cameron announces that he has discovered the lost kingdom of Atlantis. It ends up being a really dirty swimming pool.

The Dark Knight's opening weekend puts other movie's ticket sales into the negatives.

Mr. O releases a press statement saying: "Change We Can Believe In." The statement is true.

AUGUST

The glorious Russian Federation invades the Unworthy Nation of Georgia. The International Community says it was a good idea but wishes it had been consulted first.

Bank of America is subpoenaed for suspicious behavior while acquiring Citywide Financial. Share holders do a collective face palm.

The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, China grind to a halt halfway through after Michael Phelps wins all the gold medals. He celebrates by swinging his arms back and forth and having a brief romantic fling with the grandmother of one of the Chinese gymnastic athletes.

Mr. O announces that his presidential running mate will not be Hillary Clinton.

SEPTEMBER

ThePirateBay.Org, one of the most popular internet piracy websites, gets its name and logo stolen by a video streaming site. Says Pirate Bay: "Oh snap!"

Wall Street decides to take advantage of the total lack of supervision it's getting from the Federal Government by collapsing. Billions of dollars are lost. Says Wall Street: "That'll show you."

A screenshot of Activision's upcoming WWII shooter Call of Duty: World at War is released. Master Chief announces that this is "the happiest day of my life."

Wal-Mart wins the title: "Best Worst Very Valuable Business in a Bad Class." In its absence, Wal-Mart's cousin accepts the award.

McCain announces that his presidential running mate will be Tina Fey.

OCTOBER

Polling data indicates that the only danger now facing Mr. O's campaign is a sudden attack from alien dinosaurs.

Josh Groban mistakenly releases his Christmas CD "Noel" eleven weeks early.

Halloween is a lot less fun than everyone had been hoping.

Freelance Folder publishes 15 Key Elements All Top Web Sites Should Have. FCN has none of them.

NOVEMBER

Mr. O is elected King of the Universe. His first order: as punishment, George W. Bush is to serve three more months as President. Says Joe Biden: "Serves him right."

Improvements to Google's Android phone renders the iPhone 3G obsolete.

Bob Halpert announces he's tired of sweeping the porch. He wants to go inside and watch TV. He does.

Global Warming ends up not being a problem after all. Says Al Gore: "My bad. It was an honest mistake. I'll go back to whining about 2000 now."

DECEMBER

A small number of Americans cling to guns and religion.

The average expected income from stock investing drops below sleeping in, asking a rich uncle for one more chance, and getting a payday advance.

The release of Grand Theft Auto IV for Windows causes America to become immoral.

Digital switchover of TV signals yields $1.5 billion for the US Treasury. C insists he'll still be able to get a signal after the switch with patience and a little aluminum foil.

Hillary Clinton named by Mr. O as the new Secretary of State. Says Hillary: "Whatever man!"

2008 New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's that time of year again. Let's skip the insincere pleasantries and dig right into the insincere resolutions.

We promise to stop walking on the backs of our shoes.

We promise to absolutely not forget Valentine's Day.

We promise not to use store-front ads to keep track of holidays.

We promise not to run sweaters with the rest of the laundry.

We promise not to run tuxedos with the rest of the laundry.

We promise to stop borrowing tuxedos in the full knowledge that they will be returned only if destroyed.

We promise to stop downloading viruses onto fellow contributor's computers as a joke.

We promise to be more creative when we reciprocate practical jokes.

We promise not to drop hints starting two months before our birthdays.

But if you must know, my birthday is in late October, so you might want to start thinking about that.

We promise not to answer the question: "So what are you up to these days?" by talking about things we've already done.

We promise not to roll up post-its and pretend to smoke them.

If we must roll up post-its and pretend to smoke them, we promise not to light said post-its on fire.

If we must roll up said post-its, light them on fire, and pretend to smoke them, we promise not to stuff them full of pesto or mint.

We promise to raise our hands in class at least once next semester.

We promise to eat in front of the mirror so we can empathize with the torture to which we subject other people.

We promise to microwave the frozen vegetables for at least a minute before eating them.

We promise not to adjust the five-second rule if we pick up dropped food a bit late.

We promise to each invest in a good comb and throw the communal one away.

We promise to actually use said comb at least three times a week.

We promise to argue like mature adults about who will get to post the next day.

If we must fight like little kids, we promise to use only our fists.

If we must fight using weapons, we promise not to aim for the head.

We promise not to have lunch from the Costco sample tables.

If we must have lunch from the Costco sample tables, we promise not to gleefully exclaim: "Kung Pao Chicken and microwave pizza! Oh, we are dining in tonight!"

We promise to not to refresh FCN every five minutes in hopes of another reader comment.

We promise not to answer our phones with "I thought I told you not to call me!"

We promise not to microwave the salad along with the meatloaf.

We promise not to hold our breaths in public restrooms.

If we must hold our breaths in public restrooms, we promise to breathe at least once a minute and/or before passing out.

If we must hold our breaths in public restrooms till we pass out, we promise not to grab someone else on the way down.

We promise to use forks.

We promise to remain fully dressed even if there is no one else in the house.

We promise not to study that little thing that hangs from the back of our throats while talking to the mirror.

We promise not to talk to the mirror.

We promise never to lie to our readers ever again. Ever.

The Most Depressing Day of the Year

You, the faithful FCN few who regularly visit our humble blog, probably come here to get your measured dose of satire, synicism and silliness (the three Ss of FCN writing) and maybe to chuckle off a few pounds. If that's your reason for surfing here today, you're in for a major disappointment.

Today is not a day to be funny. To attempt anything light would be sacrilegious on so momentous a jour, to use a little français. The irony of humor might even make the day harder to bear, driving us all to an early grave and weight gain. We write this, not because we're a passel of cruel savages, although that might very well be the case, but because today is:

The Most Depressing Day of the Year.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, the experts who study this sort of thing have decided that, of all the 365 days that populate our datebooks and cell phone calendars, today is the day most likely to inflict a long face (see above photo).

Here's the formula:

The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) motivational levels and (NA) need to take action.

Here's the logic: As the weather of winter becomes colder, wetter and generally danker, the debts and assorted costs of Christmas express their fiscal impact, and the good vibes of Christmas join our New Year's Resolutions as distant memories, we become depressed. All these factors combine with increasing intensity to tell our brains to release commensurate stress hormones and our faces slowly morph to more closely resemble John Kerry's.

Most folks quit trying to keep their New Year's Resolutions three weeks to a month after New Years. Life gets too hard, the pounds just stop falling and we begin to realize just how expensive a nicotine strip really is. It's back to the same old same old and the imminent recycling of New Year's Resolutions, which, for some reason, gets people down.

Debts also come due about this time and the wisdom of getting the multitude of yuletide gifts for all those “friends” is not as clear as it was standing next to that persuasive sales clerk at Mervyn's a month ago. Visa and Mastercard are more concerned about their bottom line than your hypertension, so when the two conflict, you pay up. Ouch.

Finally the motivation, encouragement and rejuvenation we get during the Christmas season evaporates pretty quickly when school and work recommence. Even though Grandma is back in her happy home, normal day-to-day tension is stronger than that brought about by extended family.

This year a passel of over-educated psychiatrists and assorted therapists have determined that the most dreary day falls on Canada's election day (today).

I know, cheerio. At least it's not a Monday, right?

Despite the fact that the Patriots lost the AFC championship, the Democrat Party controls Congress, American Idol's continues to dominate prime time, Prince is doing the Super Bowl halftime show and the Oscar nominated films don't beat YouTube for content, we here at FCN see several reasons to be cheerful about the day:

1. It's 342 days until Christmas. Which is nice.

2. It could be any number of days until your next birthday, which, depending on your age, is nice.

3. A man survived a 300 foot fall from a hotel window. He is probably going to sue. Hey, it could happen to you.

4. Google is still doing well and shows no signs of slowing its rabid growth. We know, you don't care and you're never going to actually follow that link, but its still there just in case.

5. Paula Abdul is fine. Really.

6. McDonald's is going to start serving burgers on a comet! Or are we misreading this headline?

7. The new Boeing 747-8 sure looks comfy. And it's made in America!

8. Internet Explorer is being replaced by open source browsers like Firefox and Opera.

9. The year can't get any worse; all days from here on out will be better!

10. New Year's resolutions are no fun, anyway.
    

Have a great 23^rd everyone!

New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolution: n. A decision to act in a certain manner for the first few weeks of January.

We know, resolutions are rarely fulfilled. Life, girlfriends, food and, in rare instances, school get in the way and we normally end up just as bad to end the year as we began it. Still, there is something quaintly romantic about cozying up to the computer screen and reading another person's heartfelt wish for the coming year. So, in the spirit of ze Frank, here are FCN's 2007 New Year's Resolutions:

We promise not to look down on those who play pogostick.

We promise to remember that burning yarn is a better pastime than throwing cats in the dog kennel.

We promise not to throw cats in the dog kennel.

We promise not to offend people just for fun.

We promise not to let our impression of other people’s impression of who we are stop us from becoming what we know other people think we are not.

We promise to stop picking at the stickers on our laptop keyboards.

We promise not to put in our contact lenses after eating spicy things with our hands.

We promise to take our mom's word for it.

We promise to never again go out without wearing all our undergarments.

All of them.

We promise to stop answering spam e-mail.

We promise not to judge our personal value based on FCN's traffic statistics.

We promise to clear a space on the floor so we can actually roll on the floor laughing.

We promise to stop poking fun at Nancy Pelosi.

Even if she is wierder than Michael Jackson.

We promise to stop pulling cheap stunts like the above.

We promise to stop wearing our undershirts inside out.

We promise to stop bringing pillows to class.

We promise to stop pretending to be hitch hikers in crowded cities.

We promise to clean the bathroom.

We promise to treat telemarketers like people, too.

We promise to stop playing with our pens.

If we must play with our pens, we promise not to do so in class.

If we must play with our pens in class, we promise not to make wooshing sounds as we fly them through the air.

If we must make wooshing sounds as we fly our pens through the air in class, we promise not to sit in the front row.

We promise to stop writing fan mail to Tom Cruise.

We promise to throw away the socks with holes.

We promise to be genuine with the mail man.

We promise not to make fools of ourselves in public just to get a good campfire story.

This includes hiding from security cameras in the line at the grocery store.

We promise not to huddle with Nancy Pelosi for warmth.

We promise not to come up with excuses, justifications, reasons, philosophies, moral codes, or loopholes so we can get out of our resolutions.

We promise never to lie to our readers again.

Top 10 Worst Christmas Presents

Guys are really bad at giving gifts. Especially around Christmas time, we come up with the most bone-headed presents for those we love. Sometimes the gifts are so egregious that we dig ourselves into big emotional holes that take hours of conversation and several more gifts to extricate ourselves from. Others are just borderline awful. In order to help our male readers avoid these common pitfalls, FCN has, with the able assistance of a fan, compiled the Top 10 Worst Christmas Presents. Please read and avoid as written:

10. Vacuum cleaner

The Gist: A common faux paux among new husbands is to give their wives house cleaning utensils as gifts. Bad idea. Double bad on the wedding anniversary. Vacuum cleaners are in vogue around Christmas and many stores even put on vacuum sales to lure unsuspecting newlyweds. The fact is that something associated with drudgery and work should never be given as a gift. Ever.

Better idea: Jeffrey Jones put together an excellent guide on “Making Housework Fun” a few years back that works great if you are trying to drop a subtle hint.

9. Floss

The Gist: Floss is a gift of convenience. Everyone needs it, most people don't use it enough and it's easy to wrap. It's also cheap. Floss comes in many flavors and, thinks the male Christmas shopper, it might also improve the oral hygiene of the recipient making it an ideal gift. Floss is, however, like the vacuum cleaner, too obvious. It sends very subtle and undesirable messages about the smell of the recipient's breath.

Better idea: Purchase a mirror – the more ornate, the better – that you can give instead of the floss. It will pass as an acceptable gift and could also fix the hygiene problem.

8. Stock in Tower Records

The Gist: Stock is supposed to be a wonderful gift because it can increase in value over time and gives the next generation a chance to learn about how business works; at least that's what I read on the back of the cereal box. Even if Cheerios is right about stock investment, do some background research before buying into your Christmas portfolio. The Tower has fallen to LimeWire and Kazaa, which, for those of you who were wondering, we do not use.

Better idea: One word: Google.

7. Orthodontist gift certificate

The Gist: Ever since medical professionals started handing out gift certificates for their service, I knew this would become a pitfall for Christmas shoppers. Guys, braces do not equal coffee. As the case goes, some people don't understand that orthodontic treatment is a very private and somewhat embarrassing subject that a lot of patients are very sensitive about. It's also very painful, irritating, and lengthy. You'd have to be strangely sadistic to give this gift to anyone who actually needed it.

Better idea: There really isn't much you can do in one Christmas to solve your friends alignment, but you can keep it from getting worse by purchasing soft chocolates for the holiday.

6. Outgrown clothing

The Gist: There is nothing quite as deflating as getting someone's “used” ensemble as a gift. The subliminal messages shout “This has no value to me, so you can have it,” making it more insulting than complimentary. Some gift givers add insult to injury by giving torn up jeans or dirty underwear. Not good.

Better idea: Try getting a new item of clothing. If the recipient isn't worth the prices at Macy's, a gentle hug and 99¢ Christmas card will do the trick.

5. Mascara

The Gist: For all our uninitiated readers, mascara is a goupy tar-like substance that is daubed beneath a user's eyes to simulate depth. It is sometimes referred to under the euphemism “makeup” and is almost always used by women. Guys stuck for Christmas gift ideas who see mascara in a store might mistakenly connect “women's product” with “gift for women.” Please don't make that mistake. Women's products are to be sold to women only because buying makeup is a complicated ritual that is completely impenetrable to men. It involves impetuous selections (which guys are good at), visualization of the future (which guys can manage), several minutes of indecisive wavering between several products (which guys are terrible at), and smelling (which guys simply cannot do).

Better idea: Turn around and walk quickly but inconspicuously out of the cosmetic section. Never return again.

4. Mace

The Gist: Mace is a good gift only if you have an uncle in the mafia or live in south Stockton. Even then it should be given only after careful consideration. The application for this gift is very narrow; avoid mascara unless you feel providence owes you a favor. Your money is better spent elsewhere. But if you decide to give mace this Christmas, do watch out that the recipient doesn't turn the bottle around on you!

Better idea: Barnes and Nobles has a comfy collection of coffee table books on Karate and other martial arts. The pictures will be much better for your eyes, too.

3. One month gym membership

The Gist: Out of genuine concern for a loved one's health, some unthinking males purchase gym memberships as gifts. With unrealistic New Year's Resolutions just around the corner, Christmas makes a great time to spring a gym membership on some unsuspecting friend of family member. Please don't risk losing a friend over this silly gift idea. Not only will the insinuation that they are fat bring stress to your relationship, but the recipient probably won't even go to the gym. If they do make it out of the house, their workout efforts will be repaid by heavy yo-yoing, not health.

Better idea: Keep the house at a colder temperature to make the recipient sneeze off the pounds.

2. Rubber ball

The Gist: The bouncy balls that dentists offices use to appease the young they torture do not substitute for real Christmas shopping. You may feel it has swirly colors or retains an opaque transparency that you think the recipient will find delightful, but please put that rubber toy in the trash where it belongs. And don't you dream of digging it out again for next Christmas!

Better idea: If you want something truly obnoxious, try Mr. Microphone or Tickle-Me-Elmo. At least those are expensive enough to seem like an honest effort.

1. A $100 bill

The Gist: One hundred dollar bill may seem like a good gift at face value, especially if the face is owned by a teenage male, but it is actually the worst possible Christmas present. Money, especially in large denominations shows a total lack of preparation for the holiday and, despite being awesome for the cash flow statement, a greenback doesn't support the Christmas spirit very well. Money is especially ill suited if given by a man to his mistress, à la Fred MacMurray in The Apartment.

Better idea: Turn that money into something that means something to the recipient, something that will last - like a deli sandwich or illustrated history of the world. A fat Benji will be stolen by the first mugger who comes along and won't be remembered by the recipient beyond the bank doors.

People of the Year Award

Breaks are usually a slow time for us here at FCN. Classes – those evil entrails of salacious inspiration – are out of session, leaving us naked for funny thoughts (One contributor got so desperate, he even started begging readers for a funny note). Fortunately, a witty idea came by the other day to clothe me and also dropped some handy content, which you are now reading.

Every year TIME magazine lists its “person of the year,” an award that supposedly goes to the year's biggest newsmaker. The idea worked well for the first few years, but lately such inanimate objects as “The Computer”and “Pope John Paul II” have gotten the award raising questions about TIME's credibility. I personally thought the image of Nelson Mandela and Yasser Arafat on the same page did the institution in, but the TIME faithful keep coming back to the trough and the award survives.

This year's person of the year award is similarly non sequitur (see above). “You” are TIME's person of the year. “You” did something so newsworthy that “You,” and “You” alone, get the top billing. Despite the obvious flaws in the choice (what about “Her” and “Me” and all the other pronouns?), “You” join Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin as TIME's person of the year! Congratulations.

Below is FCN's take on the year's biggest newsmakers:

Mohamad Ahmadinejad

This man was runner up on TIME magazine's list (although TIME's list was arguably so broad that the Iranian premier was included), so he gets an honorable mention here. Ahmadinejad also is a big name from 2006 in his own right. Just think about his name “Ahmadinejad.” Sounds like someone sneezed twice. Or, if said with proper inflection, like someone gave a giant sneeze (see below):

Regardless, I would have paid hard currency (and lots of it) to be in the same room as little Mohamad when his father told the country recorder the name.

Your Computer

TIME’s person of the year award went to “You,” the connected person who can do, see, book or talk about anything online. The real hero there isn’t the ubiquitous “You,” it’s the computer that connects you to the world such that all sorts of amazing possibilities are only a click away.

If computers have a personality -- and my fellow FCN writers are convinced they do – then, they are most definitely a person of the year.

The Rich Americans

I know, that’s repetitive (rich, American), but the wealthy did well again this year. Looking over the latest economic numbers, we find that they made a lot of money and are generally feeling good about themselves (and you didn’t think economic numbers could tell you that, did you?). The rich people also have more cars, more houses and more stuff than all the rest of us. And, if the definition stays the same, they always will.

Expect wealthy Americans to be on the top list next year.

Charles Manson

If TIME could pick Ahmadinejad as its person of the year (or runner up anyhow), we can pick Charles Manson to our top list. Manson has been in prison a long time and his image hasn’t improved much since he killed a bunch of people and got sent to the big house in the first place. He hasn’t even written children's books or conducted anti-gang conferences. In fact, he really hasn't done much of anything this year except become more buff on the taxpayer dollar. He certainly doesn't warrant an honorable mention here. But that didn’t stop TIME with Ahmadinejad (bless you), so it won’t stop us.

Cynthia McKinney

Here's a name that isn't getting the kind of press it should. Not only did McKinney sock a Capital Hill security guard in the chops, but she introduced articles of impeachment against the President. She also has really awesome hair and a voice that can wake the dead.

Our real reason for inclusion: We had a minority quota to fulfill and Charles Manson and the Rich Americans are all white males.

Brad and Angelina

She showed the world that you can be attractive, adopt a million kids, act in big budget movies and sport a huge dragon tattoo on her lower back.

He showed that it doesn't take much more than good looks to be a Hollywood heartthrob.

Together they put together the highest paid celebrity image of all time. And got a mention in FCN's person's of the year list.

John Kerry

We actually decided against putting Kerry in before putting him in. If he runs for President again – and who won't? -- every comedian in cyberspace will die happy in political humor ecstasy.

Nancy Pelosi

Or “Madam Speaker,” as her memoir will undoubtedly be titled. In a few short weeks she will grab the gavel and become the shrillest person of all time to hold the top Congressional spot. Hey, it's good enough for a mention.

Saddam Hussein

Has he been executed yet? O.K. Well 2006 might be his last full year, so we want to give him top billing on the year. Hussein is one man that has lived nearly all the sand out of the hourglass. I wouldn't want to be in the Middle east when the last grains go through.