What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Most Depressing Day of the Year

You, the faithful FCN few who regularly visit our humble blog, probably come here to get your measured dose of satire, synicism and silliness (the three Ss of FCN writing) and maybe to chuckle off a few pounds. If that's your reason for surfing here today, you're in for a major disappointment.

Today is not a day to be funny. To attempt anything light would be sacrilegious on so momentous a jour, to use a little fran├žais. The irony of humor might even make the day harder to bear, driving us all to an early grave and weight gain. We write this, not because we're a passel of cruel savages, although that might very well be the case, but because today is:

The Most Depressing Day of the Year.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, the experts who study this sort of thing have decided that, of all the 365 days that populate our datebooks and cell phone calendars, today is the day most likely to inflict a long face (see above photo).

Here's the formula:

The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) motivational levels and (NA) need to take action.

Here's the logic: As the weather of winter becomes colder, wetter and generally danker, the debts and assorted costs of Christmas express their fiscal impact, and the good vibes of Christmas join our New Year's Resolutions as distant memories, we become depressed. All these factors combine with increasing intensity to tell our brains to release commensurate stress hormones and our faces slowly morph to more closely resemble John Kerry's.

Most folks quit trying to keep their New Year's Resolutions three weeks to a month after New Years. Life gets too hard, the pounds just stop falling and we begin to realize just how expensive a nicotine strip really is. It's back to the same old same old and the imminent recycling of New Year's Resolutions, which, for some reason, gets people down.

Debts also come due about this time and the wisdom of getting the multitude of yuletide gifts for all those “friends” is not as clear as it was standing next to that persuasive sales clerk at Mervyn's a month ago. Visa and Mastercard are more concerned about their bottom line than your hypertension, so when the two conflict, you pay up. Ouch.

Finally the motivation, encouragement and rejuvenation we get during the Christmas season evaporates pretty quickly when school and work recommence. Even though Grandma is back in her happy home, normal day-to-day tension is stronger than that brought about by extended family.

This year a passel of over-educated psychiatrists and assorted therapists have determined that the most dreary day falls on Canada's election day (today).

I know, cheerio. At least it's not a Monday, right?

Despite the fact that the Patriots lost the AFC championship, the Democrat Party controls Congress, American Idol's continues to dominate prime time, Prince is doing the Super Bowl halftime show and the Oscar nominated films don't beat YouTube for content, we here at FCN see several reasons to be cheerful about the day:

  1. It's 342 days until Christmas. Which is nice.

  2. It could be any number of days until your next birthday, which, depending on your age, is nice.

  3. A man survived a 300 foot fall from a hotel window. He is probably going to sue. Hey, it could happen to you.

  4. Google is still doing well and shows no signs of slowing its rabid growth. We know, you don't care and you're never going to actually follow that link, but its still there just in case.

  5. Paula Abdul is fine. Really.

  6. McDonald's is going to start serving burgers on a comet! Or are we misreading this headline?

  7. The new Boeing 747-8 sure looks comfy. And it's made in America!

  8. Internet Explorer is being replaced by open source browsers like Firefox and Opera.

  9. The year can't get any worse; all days from here on out will be better!

  10. New Year's resolutions are no fun, anyway.

Have a great 23rd everyone!


Arowen said...

I suppose this only applies to people in the Northern Hemisphere, as those in the Southern Hemisphere are enjoying summer weather, everyone is kidding around and throwing water ballons, there's no school (it's summer, remember?) and there won't be any for a while, physical activities are at there peak, etc, etc.

Jesse Sloan said...

It's not the 23rd anymore! And it still made me laugh!
Hey! My birthday is next week, I'll be 18! :)