People of the Year Award

Breaks are usually a slow time for us here at FCN. Classes – those evil entrails of salacious inspiration – are out of session, leaving us naked for funny thoughts (One contributor got so desperate, he even started begging readers for a funny note). Fortunately, a witty idea came by the other day to clothe me and also dropped some handy content, which you are now reading.

Every year TIME magazine lists its “person of the year,” an award that supposedly goes to the year's biggest newsmaker. The idea worked well for the first few years, but lately such inanimate objects as “The Computer”and “Pope John Paul II” have gotten the award raising questions about TIME's credibility. I personally thought the image of Nelson Mandela and Yasser Arafat on the same page did the institution in, but the TIME faithful keep coming back to the trough and the award survives.

This year's person of the year award is similarly non sequitur (see above). “You” are TIME's person of the year. “You” did something so newsworthy that “You,” and “You” alone, get the top billing. Despite the obvious flaws in the choice (what about “Her” and “Me” and all the other pronouns?), “You” join Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin as TIME's person of the year! Congratulations.

Below is FCN's take on the year's biggest newsmakers:

Mohamad Ahmadinejad

This man was runner up on TIME magazine's list (although TIME's list was arguably so broad that the Iranian premier was included), so he gets an honorable mention here. Ahmadinejad also is a big name from 2006 in his own right. Just think about his name “Ahmadinejad.” Sounds like someone sneezed twice. Or, if said with proper inflection, like someone gave a giant sneeze (see below):

Regardless, I would have paid hard currency (and lots of it) to be in the same room as little Mohamad when his father told the country recorder the name.

Your Computer

TIME’s person of the year award went to “You,” the connected person who can do, see, book or talk about anything online. The real hero there isn’t the ubiquitous “You,” it’s the computer that connects you to the world such that all sorts of amazing possibilities are only a click away.

If computers have a personality -- and my fellow FCN writers are convinced they do – then, they are most definitely a person of the year.

The Rich Americans

I know, that’s repetitive (rich, American), but the wealthy did well again this year. Looking over the latest economic numbers, we find that they made a lot of money and are generally feeling good about themselves (and you didn’t think economic numbers could tell you that, did you?). The rich people also have more cars, more houses and more stuff than all the rest of us. And, if the definition stays the same, they always will.

Expect wealthy Americans to be on the top list next year.

Charles Manson

If TIME could pick Ahmadinejad as its person of the year (or runner up anyhow), we can pick Charles Manson to our top list. Manson has been in prison a long time and his image hasn’t improved much since he killed a bunch of people and got sent to the big house in the first place. He hasn’t even written children's books or conducted anti-gang conferences. In fact, he really hasn't done much of anything this year except become more buff on the taxpayer dollar. He certainly doesn't warrant an honorable mention here. But that didn’t stop TIME with Ahmadinejad (bless you), so it won’t stop us.

Cynthia McKinney

Here's a name that isn't getting the kind of press it should. Not only did McKinney sock a Capital Hill security guard in the chops, but she introduced articles of impeachment against the President. She also has really awesome hair and a voice that can wake the dead.

Our real reason for inclusion: We had a minority quota to fulfill and Charles Manson and the Rich Americans are all white males.

Brad and Angelina

She showed the world that you can be attractive, adopt a million kids, act in big budget movies and sport a huge dragon tattoo on her lower back.

He showed that it doesn't take much more than good looks to be a Hollywood heartthrob.

Together they put together the highest paid celebrity image of all time. And got a mention in FCN's person's of the year list.

John Kerry

We actually decided against putting Kerry in before putting him in. If he runs for President again – and who won't? -- every comedian in cyberspace will die happy in political humor ecstasy.

Nancy Pelosi

Or “Madam Speaker,” as her memoir will undoubtedly be titled. In a few short weeks she will grab the gavel and become the shrillest person of all time to hold the top Congressional spot. Hey, it's good enough for a mention.

Saddam Hussein

Has he been executed yet? O.K. Well 2006 might be his last full year, so we want to give him top billing on the year. Hussein is one man that has lived nearly all the sand out of the hourglass. I wouldn't want to be in the Middle east when the last grains go through.