What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

State of the Union 2007

The following is a transcript of President Bush's State of the Union Address as delivered on January 23rd, 2006, The Most Depressing Day of the Year:

Mrs. Pelosi, loyal members of the GOP party, Zillary Clinton, Baruch Obama, and You, Time’s Person of the Year:

Bill Clinton, when he was president, set the time record for the longest State of the Union Address ever. He clocked in at just under six hours and forty minutes, a real feat given his heart condition. I always admired people like Clinton, Harry Truman and Jimmy Stewart who could chew the air for hours like that, so today I want to beat Clinton and enter the record books as the biggest windbag ever to sit in the Oval Office. [CHEERS]

Actually I’m just kidding. I’ll say a thing or two about the war and then we’ll all be out of here. [BOOS]

As is customary about this time of year, Karl prepared a speech for me to deliver outlining the last twelve months and road-mapping the next twelve. It is the year two double “o” seven and that brings new challenges and more burdens to our nation; challenges and burdens the newly empowered Democratic Party is just itching to handle. [APPLAUSE]

Congress has changed and so have our responsibilities. No longer will cost cutting and reducing wasteful spending be meaningful goals for this formerly august body. No longer will we hide our ties to special interest groups. No longer – [APPLAUSE] No longer will we hold back the incomes of the poor, disenfranchised, entitled and reparation worthy (that is to say, the minorities) of this great land. No – [SUSTAINED APPLAUSE]

Thank you. That’s probably enough on that point.

You all came out here today, not to vote more money for your districts or find a way to criticize our hardworking troops abroad (although you’ll probably find a way to do that when the party really gets started when I step down), but to listen to my analysis of the state of global affairs.

There is a common misconception that this speech is constitutionally mandated. It’s not. I could faint right now and my duties as President would still be fulfilled. That’s just an important thought to keep in mind as we get into the controversial content.

We have a duty as politicians to step forward, to make flowery speeches in disaster regions, to hawk our nation’s posterity for a couple cheap votes and to generate quick fixes for America’s most pressing problems, fixes that won’t come undone until the next Party is in office. Those are our duties. Sometimes we come short, but we always try.

Next week I’ll have a full report on the state of our economy. Our trillion dollar government machine couldn’t get it done before the deadline and so nobody really knows what’s going on in the financial world right now. When I do, I’ll sit down with Jack Abramoff, Speaker Pelosi, the two Clintons and Reverend Jesse Jackson to iron out some meaningful economic solutions.

I have a few ideas that I’ll bring to this culturally, ethnically and ethically diverse group.

First, it's high time we balanced the budget. There's been a lot of talk in this chamber about the budget, and most of it has been a waste of time. The fact is, almost all of government spending is pretty much essential, and many programs are underfunded, like research grants to make cars run on grass and money grow on trees. Cutting funding to the arteries of America's success is not the answer. [APPLAUSE]

Cutting taxes is also not the answer. We ... [APPLAUSE] Well, apparently you get the idea. So, I urge Congress to balance the budget without reducing spending or increasing taxes. It is only in this way that we can hope to keep America fiscally and economically strong. [APPLAUSE]

Before I talk about my other proposals, I want to take a moment to recognize my darling wife, Laura Bush, who spends her time every day doing the kinds of things the rest of us only do on the campaign trail. Her hard work and dedication will pay off when she runs for president in 2016, by which time she will be the second most battle-hardened politician in the country, right after Chelsea.

Now about that second idea. Money has a way of seeping through our government like water through a strainer. It can't be stopped. Just can't. [PAUSE] One thing we can do to make us feel better about the situation is earmark that money so everyone knows who it was wasted on. That's right, instead of just dumping tax dollars down the sink or leaving it out in the sun for buzzards, so to speak, we'll assign it to specific money-wasting projects so at least we'll know where your retirement money ended up.

Third, I want to talk about Social Security. The idea of forcing younger people to pay for you gets more and more attractive every day, which is a big reason I supported old people benefits from day one. And that's also why I want to make sure it's still around when I get old. That is, older than I already am.

I warned you people last year that Social Security was a mess, and I worked hard to get it fixed, but some of the people in this chamber were too obstinate to work with me, and the ones that tried to help got kicked out of office a few months ago. [APPLAUSE] Last year, I warned you that unless something changed, we'd be faced with three foul-smelling options: huge tax increases, huge deficits, or huge and immediate cuts in benefits. Well, nothing changed, and I'm here today to break some sad news. We'll have to pretty much do all three, after which Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security will probably die out anyway. [APPLAUSE]

The public education system is all about imparting knowledge and character to America's youngest. Decades of testing have demonstrated the only real source of knowledge and character is what people? Say it with me: taxpayer dollars! That's right, one more time! Hear that echo?

It's come to my attention that some people in this great nation - mainly the ones that arrogantly hire and support thousands of workers - aren't paying their fair share. Which is why I'd like to encourage Congress to continue to support the No Taxpayer Left Behind Act, which closes the economic achievement gap by bringing the rich back to the level of the little people. And where does that leave us here at Capital Hill? [SUSTAINED APPLAUSE]

Health care is a big weakness here in America. Some of you here in this chamber believe we should socialize it - make it all free. We are inexorably moving in that direction. [APPLAUSE] I'm a conservative, which means I need to have different ideas about health care. I have no illusions, however, about where any of this is headed. So here's a way we can all be happy. We'll make all kinds of complicated tax breaks and schemes for poor people. This will have many effects: everyone will think their taxes are being lowered, the IRS will take on more employees, and best of all, the arrogant rich will get fleeced to pay for the ever-needy poor. [APPLAUSE]

As you can tell, health care is a sore spot for me. I guess the more time I spend with Dick, the more bitter I become. It's terrible what the doctors have done to that guy. He's practically half-machine by now. Almost inhuman. Imagine. Our Vice-President, a cyborg. Kind of blows your mind just thinking about it.

Okay, I guess we should address the elephant in the room now. You know, the little thing we have going on in the Middle East. That is to say, Saddam Hussein's former country? That really spells it out, doesn't it? You know, so much has been said already about this politically charged topic that I don't see anything to add to the dialogue. You know where I stand; I know where you stand. So let's move on. [APPLAUSE]

Dick and I have been through a lot. We have met challenges and faced dangers, and we know that more lie ahead. Yet we can go forward with confidence - because the State of our Union is strong ... our cause in the world is right ... and tonight that cause goes on. [APPLAUSE]

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