2008 New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's that time of year again. Let's skip the insincere pleasantries and dig right into the insincere resolutions.

We promise to stop walking on the backs of our shoes.

We promise to absolutely not forget Valentine's Day.

We promise not to use store-front ads to keep track of holidays.

We promise not to run sweaters with the rest of the laundry.

We promise not to run tuxedos with the rest of the laundry.

We promise to stop borrowing tuxedos in the full knowledge that they will be returned only if destroyed.

We promise to stop downloading viruses onto fellow contributor's computers as a joke.

We promise to be more creative when we reciprocate practical jokes.

We promise not to drop hints starting two months before our birthdays.

But if you must know, my birthday is in late October, so you might want to start thinking about that.

We promise not to answer the question: "So what are you up to these days?" by talking about things we've already done.

We promise not to roll up post-its and pretend to smoke them.

If we must roll up post-its and pretend to smoke them, we promise not to light said post-its on fire.

If we must roll up said post-its, light them on fire, and pretend to smoke them, we promise not to stuff them full of pesto or mint.

We promise to raise our hands in class at least once next semester.

We promise to eat in front of the mirror so we can empathize with the torture to which we subject other people.

We promise to microwave the frozen vegetables for at least a minute before eating them.

We promise not to adjust the five-second rule if we pick up dropped food a bit late.

We promise to each invest in a good comb and throw the communal one away.

We promise to actually use said comb at least three times a week.

We promise to argue like mature adults about who will get to post the next day.

If we must fight like little kids, we promise to use only our fists.

If we must fight using weapons, we promise not to aim for the head.

We promise not to have lunch from the Costco sample tables.

If we must have lunch from the Costco sample tables, we promise not to gleefully exclaim: "Kung Pao Chicken and microwave pizza! Oh, we are dining in tonight!"

We promise to not to refresh FCN every five minutes in hopes of another reader comment.

We promise not to answer our phones with "I thought I told you not to call me!"

We promise not to microwave the salad along with the meatloaf.

We promise not to hold our breaths in public restrooms.

If we must hold our breaths in public restrooms, we promise to breathe at least once a minute and/or before passing out.

If we must hold our breaths in public restrooms till we pass out, we promise not to grab someone else on the way down.

We promise to use forks.

We promise to remain fully dressed even if there is no one else in the house.

We promise not to study that little thing that hangs from the back of our throats while talking to the mirror.

We promise not to talk to the mirror.

We promise never to lie to our readers ever again. Ever.