Zombie Monday #8: Survivor Appendix

Getting eaten by a zombie can ruin your whole day. Today, our last post on how to keep that from happening.

Before digging into the meat of the post (pun intended), let's quickly respond to a comment from last week:

"I think we've had enough of the zombie silliness ... plus this post is way too violent. Please let your posts reflect your Christian character, rather than the lack thereof. Shame." - nunya

Let us ask you this, nunya: is it moral to set a mousetrap?

What about: put an alarm system in your house?

What about: shoot a bear that's mauling your mother?

We're not sure if you're one of those [special] people who would argue that the life of a bear is equal to that of a human, or that we should never do anything to protect ourselves. But if you're like most of us (Christians very much included), you can agree that certain measures are fully appropriate. So let's look at the moral weight of killing a zombie:

Zombies are not human; they have human bodies but no soul. They are actually animated by a virus, which many scientists contend does not actually count as life at all. This virus creature is going to kill you and the rest of the people in your party if you don't kill it first.

In a perfect world, there would be no zombies, and if there were zombies, we'd find a way to get along. But the sad truth is that zombies force you into a kill-or-be-killed scenario. Violence is never preferable, but if it is ever at any moment justified, self-defense from zombies is one of those moments.

We're not writing these posts because of we're consumed by blood lust. We're writing them because we want to help keep you and your family safe.

And "zombie silliness"? Come now. Remember all the people who used phrases like "Nazi silliness", "nuclear silliness" and "Black plague silliness." We don't want these things to happen but you absolutely must be prepared for the worst if you intend to survive the future.

On to the serious stuff.

Ahem.

So you're on the run. You've got a safe place ahead, you're well armed and supplied, you have a route that will help you avoid zombie swarms and looters. You're good, right?

Wrong.

You need to plan your survivor party. A good party contains 3-8 people of varying complementary skills. If you've reached your comfortable maximum number of survivors and someone else comes along that you really want, recruit that person, then get rid of the weakest link by having them take point.

New recruits to your party should all be healthy, focused, well-supplied, and most importantly, unbitten. Never allow someone to join your party if they seem to meet any of the following criterion:

- Unable to run or see due to sickness
- Faints at the sight of blood
- Starving; just wants to join your party for the food
- Likely to challenge authority
- A coward
- Has been "nibbled" and feels "a little weird you guys."
- Probably won't work well with the rest of your group (For instance, has Nazi tattoos (This assumes your group doesn't consist of Nazis already (We don't mean to imply that Nazis shouldn't try to escape the apocalypse (Because their lives matter too, after all)))).
- Is your ex-girlfriend.

So, if they meet all the basic prerequisites, how do you decide who gets to come along? By making a case-by-case decision aided by

FCN's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor Appendix

The Accountant

Questionable physical fitness. Full of occasionally useful trivia. Tends to get along with other survivors. Learns fast.
Verdict: Recruit.

The Scavenger

Shady criminal past. Likes to "boost" weapons, food, and drugs off people who are no longer able to enjoy them. Can sneak around in broad daylight. Works best alone.
Verdict: Don't trust, but recruit if necessary.

The Medic

Medical experience. Knows what to do when people get hurt. Calm in an emergency. Has medical supplies. Doesn't know how to fire a gun.
Verdict: Recruit at all costs.

The Newbie

Can't wait to fight zombies. Has been eagerly waiting for this day for months. Has a zombie costume at home. Wears it to parties all the time. Knows all about fighting zombies and can't wait to tell you.
Verdict: Shoot on sight.

The Looter

Sees the apocalypse as a chance to get rich. Can't walk by a store without breaking in and stealing stuff. Has a growing stockpile of goods back at "the pad."
Verdict: Ask for directions, then avoid.

The Ninja

Obscures face. Has dozens of medieval weapons hidden on person. Can jump over buildings and kill people just by thinking about it.
Verdict: Recruit.

The Princess

Has never been out of an air-conditioned environment. Unpredictable in high-stress situations. Incredibly naive. Worries about her hair even while zombies are clawing at it.
Verdict: Recruit if desperate for people or if confident she can be protected until trained.

The Hardcore Swordsman

Never smiles. Wears elaborate costume. Sits awake at night brooding. Carries gigantic sword. Loaded with sage advice.
Verdict: Recruit, then appoint head of the party.

The Baby

Fresh-faced. Obedient. Idolizes other survivors. Can handle self in stressful situation but will eventually break down after prolonged exposure to zombies. Will eventually be mortally wounded, causing the other survivors to gather around with tears in their eyes, listening to exclamations like: "I'm so young!" and "It hurts!"
Verdict: Do not recruit.

The Biker

Covered in tattoos. Won't let anyone touch personal stuff. Is "too tough" for zombies. Would sooner die a slow death than admit to fear. Has a vague zombie plan involving killing them all.
Verdict: Recruit if can follow orders.

The Demo Man

Smokes a cigar. Talks loudly. Carries dynamite and grenades. Tosses lit fuses over shoulder and walks away in slow motion as things blow up from behind.
Verdict: Unnecessary, but occasionally useful. Recruit.

The Chef

Carries blades and knows how to use them. Can feed a hundred people without breaking a sweat.
Verdict: Recruit and have cover rear.

The Veteran

Always has something in mouth. Cantankerous. Claims that this "doesn't compare to the zombie apocalypse of '73," when they had to go uphill barefoot in the snow with head wounds and nagging girlfriends just to get shotgun shells. Knows how to handle a weapon.
Verdict: Recruit and keep under close watch.

The FCN Contributor

Weak and pasty. Terrified of zombies. Lots of useful head knowledge. Constantly calls "my girlfriend to make sure she's all right." Existence of said girlfriend is dubious. Keeps posting on FCN as if nothing has happened. Occasionally makes snide remarks.
Verdict: By all means recruit.

Well, that's it for the Zombie Monday series! We hope we've done our part to help get you ready for the future.

So what are we going to do with this space next Monday? Come back then and find out!

Zombie Monday #7: Weapon Appendix

The Zombie Apocalypse may not be a good place to take a date. But if you do, you might as well keep her alive.

"Build a 50.caliber automatic gun ..." - Anonymous

"My plan involves a large sword (like Cloud's in FF7). That and a minigun." - Mairazu

"... With my superior strength and martial arts skills, I would have no problem stabbing anything with a wooden stick. Anyways, a rail spike or spear would not be as satisfying." - dwight

"Whack them on the head with a crowbar... Assuming, of course, that you aren't a zombie yourself. Either that or get a big shovel to whack them with instead ..." - Anonymous

"It's waaay more satisfying to put your foot through a zombies head, assuming that you're ninja enough to do it..." - Guitarbob

"Two pistols, cool!" - Zoey

Let's face it: even the best-thought-out zombie plan is unlikely to protect you from encountering a zombie. And when you do, you'll have to be ready to remove the head or destroy the brain. How is this best done? This week, we examine some of the more popular ideas for taking on zombies.

But first, a few words on zombie combat in general.

As we pointed out at the start of the series, even the most effective weapon will not save you. Anyone who's played a zombie videogame has at one point allowed himself to think: "I'm pretty hardcore. Maybe I could just shoot my way through a real apocalypse."

Unfortunately, the real apocalypse will be densely strewn with weapons and ammunition every five minutes, nor will you be able to use health packs to instantly undo most or all of the damage the zombies did to you.

On the contrary, a single zombie bite will eventually kill you and nothing in your first aid kit will stop that. A punch will bruise, a scratch or cut will bleed. Wounds will take days at the least to heal, and meanwhile, you'll have to keep moving and fighting. Patching up a wound will take clean water, antiseptic, and bandages. You'll need to have someone cover your back for several minutes while you do it. More complex wounds will require shrapnel extraction or stitches. Medical work can't really be done while zombies are climbing through the window.

If you carry as much ammo as possible while still being able to hike (a small backpack's worth), you'll still only last a few minutes maximum. By that time, you'd better have pushed through the area and moved to safer ground.

If you avoid ammo-based weapons, you're depending on your own physical stength to kill a zombie. Even a super-sharp sword takes energy to swing. You stay in combat - real world combat - for a minute or two and you'll have sweat pouring into your eyes. Fatigue will set in and your blows will begin to weaken. Next thing you know, you're on the ground and someone is gnawing on your pahookie.

We hope we've talked you out of depending solely on combat for your ZSF. Now let's dig into the details, ranking 31 popular zombie-killing weapons from 0 to 5 assuming a very basic knowledge of all the weapons involved:

Oh, one more quick note. We can't speak to the level of satisfaction you'll get from using a weapon, but we would submit that this is utterly irrelevant. Combat is about survival. If the idea of slaughtering the undead by the hundreds appeals to you, go play a game and get it out of your system, because you won't last long in the real world. In your basement, zombie killing is about unlimited ammunition and snappy one-liners. Outside, it's about quick, efficient killing. While you're pulling your sword out of one zombie, another one is crawling onto your back.

So, getting into a fight with zombies is about getting in and getting out as fast as possible, preserving as much strength and ammo as possible along the way.

Okay. On to the Weapon Appendix.

FCN's Zombie Apocalypse Weapon Appendix

Feet

Pros: Everyone has them. Packs a decent impact.
Cons: Requires tremendous strength and training to deliver fatal kicks. Rate of attack very slow. Difficult to maintain balance during an attack. Hard to use in close quarters. Cannot be used while on the move. Vulnerable to bites.
Overall: 0

Leaf Blower

Pros: Easy to find. Can be used to clear debris from your path.
Cons: Heavy. Fuel is clunky and dangerous. Will not even slow down a charging zombie. Likely to break in a combat situation. Will reduce your chances of being inducted into a survivor party by making you look like an idiot.
Overall: 0

Wooden Stake

Pros: Extremely easy to find. Lightweight. Useful if you happen to run into a pesky Vampire. Biodegradable.
Cons: Abysmal damage-to-effort ratio. Dulls and breaks after repeated use. Danger of splinters. Very close range. Incredibly slow rate of attack.
Overall: 0.

Coffee Maker

Pros: Easy to find. Doubles as a coffee maker.
Cons: Clunky. No sharp edges. Hard to bludgeon with. Easily broken. Requires electricity, clean water, and grounds to make coffee. Ineffective in almost every possible way.
Overall: 0

Fists

Pros: Totally accessible. Lightweight. Deadly accuracy. Easy to use.
Cons: Poor damage-to-effort ratio. Susceptible to bites. Bruises after repeated use. Extremely close range.
Overall: 1

Croquet/Baseball Bat

Pros: Finding and transporting a cinch. Reasonable bludgeoning tool.
Cons: Mediocre damage-to-effort ratio. Hard to use in cramped quarters. Close range. Very slow rate of attack.
Overall: 1.

Shovel

Pros: Easy to find. Decent reach. Moderately easy to carry. Occasionally useful for survival tasks.
Cons: Surprisingly ineffective bludgeoning and stabbing tool. Useless for cutting. Awkward and exhausting to use.
Overall: 1

Crowbar

Pros: Easy to find and transport. Very useful for survival tasks, especially in urban areas. Can be dual wielded. Sharp edges on both sides mean high potential rate of attack. Handy for killing any head crabs that happen by.
Cons: Only moderately effective at stabbing and bludgeoning. Causes massive wear and tear on the knuckles.
Overall: 1

Crossbow

Pros: Very easy to use. Reasonable accuracy and damage at medium-close range.
Cons: Useless in close combat. Agonizing reload takes time and strength. Bolts don't necessarily guarantee a kill.

Rail Spike

Pros: Moderate effectiveness as a stabbing or bludgeoning tool. Reasonably accessible.
Cons: Hard to carry. Hurts to use. Very close range. Incredibly slow rate of attack. Gets stuck in zombies all the time.
Overall: 1

Hunting Knife

Pros: Extremely common and lightweight. Diverse. Indispensable for a host of survival tasks. Easy to use. Can be devastating in the hands of an experienced user. Can be dual wielded.
Cons: Wounds don't bring down zombies very fast. Can get stuck. Useful only in extreme close range. Messy to use.
Overall: 2

Longbow

Pros: Ammo can be made at home. Shafts can be ignited. Lethal at medium to point-blank range in the hands of an expert. Bow can double as a melee weapon in a pinch. Shafts can be retrieved and reused.
Cons: Mediocre rate of fire. Requires great strength and prowess to even draw the bow. Tricky to use indoors. Somewhat inaccurate. Does disappointing amount of damage; sometimes takes multiple hits to down a charging zombie.
Overall: 2

Hand grenade

Pros: Large blast radius. Handy dandy. Can provide a moment's calm in order to reload another weapon.
Cons: Cannot be used indoors. A bad toss can force survivors from their stockade or worse. Low rate of fire. Useless in close combat.
Overall: 2

Flamethrower

Pros: Devastating short-range attack can obliterate huge crowds of undead and illuminate the night.
Cons: Very heavy. Fuel is clunky and dangerous. Cannot be used indoors, around a hiding place, or near other survivors. Loud noise and bright light attracts zombies from massive distances.
Overall: 2

Minigun

Pros: Extremely high rate of fire and damage. Very large clip size. Can be mounted.
Cons: Incredibly heavy. Innaccurate unless set up before firing. Very slow to turn. Slow reload time. Overheats.
OVERALL: 2

Revolver

Pros: Devastating damage per shot. Looks really cool. Easy to draw. Can be used at any range from medium-close to melee. Can be reloaded one shot at a time. Can be dual wielded.
Cons: Agonizing reload. Huge kick. Slow rate of fire. Heavy (for its size). Bullets are clunky to carry around. Very shallow clip.
Overall: 2

Claymore Mine

Pros: Hands-free operation. Great for covering a retreat. Guaranteed kill. Can be deployed very close to firing line thanks to directional blast.
Cons: Can be tricky to set up. Incorrect facing can lead to embarrassing death. Doesn't necessarily detonate at the most useful moment.
Overall: 2

Spear

Pros: For a melee weapon, fairly long range. Useful in many kinds of survival situations. Can impale several zombies at once.
Cons: Hard to use and transport in cramped areas. Low rate of attack. Tricky to pull out of charging zombie if the first strike didn't stop it.
OVERALL: 2

Rocket Launcher

Pros: Long range. Sizable blast radius can clear a path through zombies and obstructions. Exhaust trail can double as a distress flare in a pinch.
Cons: Heavy. Ammunition is almost as big as weapon. Very slow reload time. A liability at close range. Lots of breakable parts. Undependable accuracy.
Overall: 2

Axe

Pros: Easy to find. Useful in a wide range of survival situations. Effective in close quarters.
Cons: Tends to get stuck in zombies. Danger of hitting other survivors. Messy to use.
OVERALL: 3

Gravity Gun

Pros: Ranged weapon with unlimited ammunition. Can be used to traverse complex obstacles and play fetch with robots. Small chance of becoming super-charged, allowing you to toss zombies like ragdolls.
Cons: Nearly useless without plenty of throwable objects in room, such as saw blades and explosive barrels. Tines at end of gun can be damaged. Extremely rare. Impossible to repair. Will cause resentment among other survivors who don't get to use the gravity gun.
Overall: 3

Molotov Cocktail

Pros: Easy to make. Can make large areas intraversable to zombies, allowing you to cover your escape or block an attack. Reasonably easy to carry.
Cons: Hard to control. Unpredictable flight path and spill. May leak on the carrier, causing him to burst into flames when attempting to use.
Overall: 3

Buster Sword

Pros: Massive cutting edge can cut swathes through a horde. Powerful swing will cut through just about anything.
Cons: Very heavy. Requires extensive training and conditioning. Cannot be used near other survivors. Almost impossible to find.
OVERALL: 3

Hunting Rifle

Pros: Very long range. High damage output. Scope doubles as a monocular for scouting a path ahead. There are lots of them in Wal-Mart.
Cons: Slow rate of fire. Easier to break than combat weapons. Nearly useless at close quarters. Kick can knock an unready user flat on his back.
Overall: 3

Machine Gun

Pros: Deep clip. Can be mounted on a building or vehicle. Good damage output.
Cons: Heavy, complicated to use. Lengthy reload time. Very heavy. So are the ammo boxes. Innaccurate except when set up and at medium-close range.
Overall: 3

Plasma Rifle

Pros: Super-heated projectiles melt zombies with ease. Very little kick. Decent range and accuracy. High rate of fire. Very easy to use. Biodegradable.
Cons: Protracted firing will cause overheating, in which hot plasma is vented out of the side of the weapon, potentially harming the user. Lengthy cool down time after overheat is enough for zombies to overwhelm user. Moderately sized battery is not replaceable.
Overall: 3

Katana

Pros: Strong, razor sharp, extremely effective for slashing, stabbing, and cutting.
Cons: Likely to cause as much harm as good in the hands of a novice. Must be maintained using special oils.
OVERALL: 4

Pistol

Pros: Easy to draw. Decent medium-close damage and accuracy. Clips are easy to pack and tend to be fairly available. Can be used at point blank range, even in a melee. Makes a good secondary weapon. Can be dual wielded with practice. Very fast reload.
Cons: Individual shots don't do much damage. Shallow clip.
Overall: 4

Submachine Gun

Pros: Good medium range accuracy. Easy to use in almost any situation. Reasonable weight and reload time. Can be silenced.
Cons: Shallow clip. Mediocre damage for an automatic weapon.
OVERALL: 4

Shotgun

Pros: Wide firing pattern almost guarantees a hit. Can take out multiple zombies at once. Devastating close-range blast will knock zombies backward. Can reload one shell at a time. Short barrel means easy maneuverability in close quarters.
Cons: In most cases, very shallow clip. Iconic status as the ultimate zombie-fighting weapon may cause other survivors to turn on you to get it. Cannot be used to fire at zombies who are attacking other survivors. Slow reload time.
Overall: 5

Assault Rifle

Pros: Diverse application in almost any combat situation. Rugged, reliable. Adjustable rate of fire. Effective from medium-long distances to point-blank. Fast reload time. Can be heavily modified and silenced.
Cons: Clips are clunky. Somewhat harder to turn around with compared to a melee or shorter-barreled weapon. Someone will kill you for it while you are sleeping.
Overall: 5

Think you know how to avoid getting turned into a zombie pinata? Post your plan below for a free expert analysis.

Zombie Monday #6: Removing the Head or Destroying the Brain.

Planning for a zombie invasion is fun. Getting eaten alive is easy.

Take your pick.

"This sounds a whole lot like vampires. Are the two related?" - you can call me batman

Zombies and vampires are totally different. Vampire survival is a topic for another series, but here are a few quick differences:

VAMPIRE MIND: Humanish.
ZOMBIE MIND: Mousish.
VAMPIRE FASHION SENSE: Discriminating.
ZOMBIE FASHION SENSE: None.
VAMPIRE LIABILITIES: Garlic, wooden stakes, silver bullets, light, etc.
ZOMBIE LIABILITIES: Removing the head, destroying the brain.

They do have a few things in common, including aversion to light and a tendency to bite people. But zombies and vampires are very, very different.

Let's get more in depth by going back to the basics: the anatomy of a zombie. What are they? How are they different from humans? And most importantly, how do we kill them?

As we already covered, Zombieism is a fatal nerve disease contracted by a strong zombie virus infection. The virus takes over the host's brain (killing the host in the process) and then animates it the body.

There are many different kinds of a zombies. Here, we describe the common zombie, your most likely and abundant foe:

Physical Changes. Contrary to many popular depictions, zombies do not immediately change color, rot, ooze green stuff, or engage in any other strange physiological behaviors. These are colorful details added by sensationalists. Zombies have human bodies, changed only in a few subtle ways. Human bodies don't ooze green stuff. Of course, due to cessation of basic hygienic activities, zombies will eventually start to look pretty gross. Maybe as gross as some of the people you know right now. You know the ones.

The most important physical change is that zombies are good at isolating wounds. While a nasty wound to an extremity could couse a human to go into shock or pass out from loss of blood, zombies are able to isolate the damaged area pretty quickly, meaning cutting off a zombie's hand isn't going to bother it a lot.

Along the same lines, zombies do not experience widespread rot. Zombies do not treat their wounds in any way, but they can isolate the flesh wound and keep the gangrene from spreading. Locking a zombie in a closet until he rots to death is not a good strategy.

Mental Changes. Zombies have mediocre motor skills and very poor imagination. Their minds are not active enough to engage in complex activities like using weapons, driving, opening all but the simplest doors and containers, speaking, or dancing. Their minds are well compared to that of mice. The two basic instincts (to spread the virus and find food, in that order) are very strong in zombies. Of course, they directly conflict with human's two basic-but-more-complex instincts (to protect oneself and find meaning). The zombie thought pattern is very basic: Brains. Brains. There are brains. Eat food. Spread. Find more brains.

As the virus becomes more accustomed to the host, motor skills will improve, making the zombie much more efficient in chasing down prey. Running, jumping, and even climbing will be natural in a zombie that has been infected for more than a few weeks.

Zombies are devoid of emotion or long-term memory.

Sensory Changes. Zombies use the same sensory organs we do, but perceive them very differently. The sense of smell is greatly amplified. An inconclusive 1998 study indicated that zombies have up to thirty times stronger smell than humans.

Their vision, meanwhile, is thoroughly impaired. Lacking the complex motor skills and reflexes to control the eyes, zombies will more or less blunder into the world ahead with only a vague notion of what's immediately in front of them.

Hearing is slightly amplified.

Zombies have no sense of touch, so you may safely poke them in the back, provided they do not hear or smell you.

So how do I kill them? By removing the head or destroying the brain. I say again: by removing the head or destroying the brain.

"Build a 50.caliber automatic gun. Place it on a 100ft vertical mountain with the only way to get up being a pullable ladder. Then make sure you have approximately 10,000 mega tons of ammunition. Hire gangs of ruthless walmart shoppers to get food and drink for your hideout." - Anonymous

Anonymous, let's just for a second ignore the numerous glaring logistical flaws in your plan and look at your weapon: a .50 caliber machine gun. Machine guns tend to be wildly inaccurate even when correctly set up and operated. They're great for fighting humans because humans can't stand getting shot, even in the pinkie finger or the hair. Put one or two rounds anywhere near them and they'll go scurrying for cover. Put one or two rounds anywhere in their bodies and they're down for the count. Not so with zombies, who are impervious to pain and oblivious of machine gun fire. Most of your rounds are going to miss, and while you're reloading, they'll eat you. The shots that do hit are unlikely to stop them. Machine guns are only effective against zombies at extreme close range (assuming you're only being attacked in one direction, such as down a narrow corridor), and then only if you have a reload plan.

"My zombie survival plan is simple: Stab them in the head with a wooden stick. It's the most satisfying way of killing them." - dwight

Great idea, dwight. And we're not being sarcastic. But consider your choice of weapons. Have you ever tried stabbing a wooden stick through someone's head? We thought not. Well, we have (in the name of science), and we can tell you first hand: it's really hard to do. Consider a rail spike or a spear instead. Just be sure to have plenty of high-calorie food and keep yourself hydrated. Melee combat will really drain your stamina.

Sadly, you have only the start of a zombie survival plan. Your full plan must account for much more, including how you take care of (or don't take care of) loved ones and material possessions, finding a safe place to sleep, rounding up fellow survivors (if pertinent), and acquiring food and medical supplies. You're off to a great start, dwight. Keep going!

There is one other way to kill zombies that we haven't mentioned yet. But that will have to wait for another Zombie Monday.

And if there's any way we can help you - and this time "you" means all you tasty readers out there - be sure to leave us a comment.

Zombie Monday #5: Fun Facts about Zombies

Wow. Lots of great comments last week. Sadly, we can't get to them all right away, but none of them have been forgotten.

In place of the usual Myth/Fact format, this week's Zombie Monday answers several questions about zombies with scientific facts.

"Can zombies climb vertically up building walls? That was an important part of my old ZSP." - Tim

Tim: Yes and no. Zombies do not have any special climbing powers that humans don't, so a sheer slippery cliff with no holds will be a significant obstacle for zombies. But, as with humans, zombies are able to climb if they have something to rest their weight on. Ledges, balconies, and any sort of handhold will give zombies an edge and decrease your safety. Most zombies are no Altair; high points afford at least some protection from most zombies. But if you got there, they can too. Remember that.

"I have a question: How do zombies become zombies in the first place? I've never been quite sure of this since I have never watched any zombie movies or read any books about them." - Kirk

"Where do the zombies come from -- and where are they now? (translation: Why should we believe you anyway?)" - Lauren H

It's impossible for us to see into the future and tell you exactly how zombies will break out. But we can make an educated guess based on the best evidence available to us now. Why believe us, Lauren? Because you have no evidence that we're wrong, and deep down inside you know you should be prepared for the worst-case scenario, no matter how improbable it is.

The zombie virus is a semi-intelligent organism that infects and takes over the sentient nervous systems of their hosts through contact with the blood stream. The full infection usually takes about one hour from initial contact to full takeover.

Having been infected, zombies pursue a heirarchy of needs much narrower that the one Mazlow gave us. The animal-like virus, unable to process notions like comfort and love, pursues just one goal: survival. Because the virus is unable to animate the entire body - just cause limited nervous reactions - it will be unable to prevent damage and rot to the host. The short term solution is to find fresh meat - high calorie food that keeps the zombie moving. The long term solution is to find a less-decayed host to infect. The latter solution is the highest goal of a zombie, but both goals keep zombies moving in systematic and unflagging search of human survivors.

You can become a zombie in a number of ways.

The easiest is to be bitten by a zombie. Zombies usually try to take meat from their targets in non-lethal ways, in order to make sure the new host stays operational. A little gnawing is sufficient to satiate the zombie; it will then move on to find new prey. The saliva of the zombie will infect your blood stream and gradually work its way through your body. Eventually it will begin taking over your brain, causing you to become incoherent or pass out. When the takeover is complete (meaning you're brain dead and your body is controlled by the virus), you'll "come to life" again and join the horde.

There are other less common ways, such as sharing needles with zombies or eating something infected with the virus.

The zombie virus exists, in various strains, amongst us today. There may have been a little zombie in your breakfast cereal. But almost all common zombie strains are too weak to take over the human nervous system. They fight a short battle and then your white blood cells clean you out. Whenever you feel a little under the weather and think maybe you'll be sick the next day but end up being fine - you know the feeling - that was probably your body defeating an attack from a benign strain of the zombie virus.

Several dangerous strains of zombie have been discovered and isolated. In the fifties, there were several incidents of zombie breakouts in small mountain towns. The areas were quarantined by people who choose to plan ahead *ahemahem* and the threat was contained, causing a mere hundred or so casualties in each instance. The surviving test tubes have been deemed national security threats and are kept in secure vaults guarded by the United States Government. But if there's one zombie virus, there's a million. You never know when one might pop up naturally in a dense metropolitan area and spread before it can be contained.

Of course, there are also plenty of morons who want to break open the vaults and begin experimenting on the tubes. There's talk of finding anti-aging medicine or building super soldiers. As anyone who has seen movies knows, this will inevitably result in the release of the toxin into the world, causing apocalypse.

"What if you aren't human to start with?" - LadyLurker

As far as we know, the zombie virus only targets humans. We're not sure why - further testing and observation could answer that. Perhaps the nervous systems of lesser life forms are insufficiently complex. So if you're a plant or a bear, you're probably safe.

If you're an alien, all bets are, of course, off.

"Please, I think you have exhasted the zombie topic. Enough of zombies, please, Please? PLEASE!" - Anonymous

In a word, no. Let us pose you this question, Anonymous: would you choose not to plan for a house fire or a car crash because those events are unlikely and unpleasant to discuss? Of course not. Zombie apocalypse may not seem like an imminent threat, but that's no reason not to have a plan, just as the statistical likelihood that your house will never catch on fire is no reason not to install smoke detectors and know the nearest exit.

What's the worst that can happen from formulating a ZSP? You just enagaged in a healthy mental excercise.

What's the worst that can happen from NOT formulating a ZSP? Think back to a time you watched a little boy eat lasagna. Now hold that sound in your mind. You got it? That's you on Day One of the apocalypse.

Don't be Zombilagna like Anonymous. Post your zombie survival plan and we'll try to respond in an upcoming Zombie Monday.

Zombie Monday #3: Join the zombies, become a zombie.

Planning for a zombie invasion is easy and fun. Getting eaten alive isn't.

MYTH: If you can act like a zombie, you're safe.

Everyone has a zombie impression. Except for Uncle Wally. Who's too scared to help us write this column.

Anyway.

Some people can actually do some pretty good zombie imitations. The Reluctant Dragon is, presumably, one of them. Does this mean she is safe?

Bad example: "Brian ... I need ... Brian! Moooooaning ..." - Caboose

Common example: "There is a saying that goes something like, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." And I must say I pride myself on my zombie impression. =D" - The Reluctant Dragon

Better example: "I'll gain authority within a zombie herd until they all obey me. Then I will subjugate other zombie herds and eventually rule the world!"

Best example: "I'll smear myself with zombie juice* and hide in plain sight."

FACT: Disguises only guarantee your destruction.

Let us begin by making the very forgiving assumption that you are capable of maintaining a zombie impression 24/7, and not engage in any giveaway human behaviors. I mean, it's not like you would get freaked out standing in the midst of millions of swarming undead who would eat you if they knew who you really were, right? So that's assumed. Moving on.

We don't want to be too insensitive; after all, this is a post-Obama world. But we're just going to say it straight:

Most zombies are stupid.

They don't stop to wonder if the prey they just found might be another zombie. They just track down fresh meat and dig in. Many are effectively blind, but they all have an acute sense of smell. Sadly, The Reluctant Dragon's zombie impression - so convincing at parties and from a distance - would have results something like this:

ZOMBIES: Moan moan.
RELUCTANT DRAGON: Moan moan.
ZOMBIES: Moan ... sniff sniff sniff.
RELUCTANT DRAGON: Uh-oh.
ZOMBIES: Yum.
RELUCTANT DRAGON: Dangit ...
ZOMBIES: Munch munch.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: Moan moan.

You get the idea.

Zombie juice*, combined with an effective zombie impression, may be enough to convince the undead legions that you are one of them. Alas, zombies are barely safer than humans. When cramped or irritated, such as when fighting for shelter away from sunlight, zombies turn on each other. Sometimes they just do it for spite. The average life expectancy of a zombie is just a pitiable two years. The plurality of those deaths come not at the hands of human survivors, but from other zombies.

As the zombie apocalypse pans out (this is several years in) and food becomes increasingly scarce, zombies will begin to gnaw on each other. Eventually this will give way to full-on feeding frenzies. When the buffet opens, the last place you want to be is right in the middle of it.

Good thinking, Reluctant Dragon. You'll have to think that way if you want to survive. Zombie impressions (especially fortified with juice*) can be a useful supplement to anyone's zombie plan. But they are not the solution. Keep looking.

Think you can outdo Reluctant Dragon? Post your own zombie survival plan for a free expert analysis.

* No, you really don't want to know how zombie juice is made. You just don't.

Zombie Monday #2: Danger is 24/7.

If you can survive a zombie apocalypse, you can survive anything.

It's time for another scientific fact about zombies.

MYTH: Zombies only come out at night.

Many people believe that zombies are sensitive to light. This is a myth propagated by many mainstream zombie movies, most famously I am Legend, which had a scene involving a pack of zombie dogs waiting for the last ray of sun to go down so they could charge.

Common example: "I'll travel by day and hide by night."

Better example: "I'll hole up in my house by night. By day, I'll go out for supplies and look for survivors."

Best example: "I'll set up big flood lights all around my house which run off a generator on top of my house which will recharge using solar power."

FACT: Zombies are only mildly sensitive to UV light.

Zombies don't like being hit by ultraviolet light; their skin is much more sensitive than human skin and burns easily. Most zombies don't have the brains (lame pun intended) or faculties to apply sun lotion, so, for the first few weeks of the plague, they'll show a strong preference for staying indoors during the day, often huddling together in standing-room only conditions. When some places get too crowded, zombies will turn on each other and toss the remains out into the sun. Many survivors will see this and believe that the day is safe from zombies. Not so.

After several weeks, the zombies will no longer be able to find easy food. Now they will be forced to hunt down survivors, a time-consuming and tedious task. Because zombies don't have to sleep, they can devote their entire energy to this, and because they will be driven by desperate hunger, they won't mind a little sun burn. It's not like it'll ruin their complexion or anything.

Note also that there are some forms of zombies which are not sensitive to any kind of light. The best example:

Fire zombies are very rare but extremely dangerous. Because at least some part of their body is perpetually aflame, they tend to be easily identifiable. They can breathe fire from their mouths or ignite projectiles (such as telephone poles, front doors, Gigli DVDs, or other zombies) and hurl them great distances. Fire zombies tend to travel during the day to reduce their visibility and like their meat medium rare.

Survivors will have to be on their guard at all times, around the clock.

Of course, it is true that if you surround your hiding place with bright lights, you can buy yourself some time. Zombies won't go after you until they really mean it. If you want to set up a light wall, there are several considerations to make:

First, it must be UV light. Surrounding your house with normal flood lights won't do you a bit of good. You'd do better to crawl into a tanning bed. UV lamps are pretty expensive - a little 70 watt stand won't cost you less than 150 cheese. You'll need several dozen of them to surround your house densely enough to do some damage, and that means thousands of dollars, to say nothing of the cost of the solar panels. There are a few economical solutions. You could get everyone in your block to pitch in and ring the entire area. That means less surface area to cover, which means fewer lamps to buy. Alternatively, you could wait for the plague to break out and then loot your local hardware store. This method is not recommended because it's untimely, risky, and possibly immoral.

Your best bet is get a coalition of like-minded survivors and ring an area with lamps. Your neighbors will laugh at you and call you paranoid. Well, we'll see who's laughing when the zombies are feasting on neighbors-du-jour! Of course, a UV lamp ring is hardly the only condition of a zombie survival hideout. What are the others? Come back next Monday.

Comment with your personal zombie survival plan for a free expert analysis.

Zombie Monday #1: Zombies > Bullets

Monday is Zombie Awareness Day.

At FCN, we like to fool around. But sometimes it's time for some serious material. It's disturbing how few people have a zombie survival plan. Of the ones that do, it's disturbing how many people are planning based on totally useless information. As a public service, FCN has launched the Zombie Monday (ZM) series, which provides useful guidelines for formulating your own zombie plan, as well as warning against common pitfalls.

MYTH: Ammunition-based weapons are an effective long-term protection from zombies.

Many plans are based on finding a large stockpile of ammunition and using it to shoot down zombies.

Common example: "I'll go to wal-mart and get a gun and a bunch of bullets, then I'll hide in my house and shoot any zombies who come in."

Better example: "I carry a shotgun and forty shells in my truck. That should get me to the nearest military base, where I can hide out with the soldiers who will easily have enough ammo to survive."

Best example: "I carry a shotgun and forty shells in my truck. That should get me to a munitions factory, which I will run with like-minded survivors. We can keep building guns and ammo as fast as we chew through it."

FACT: There are always more zombies than you have bullets. Always.

When the undead legions start knocking on your door, they wont come alone or in small groups. Sure, for the first few weeks of the contamination, you may be able to find lone zombies. But when things really go downhill - that is, after a few years of zombie apocalypse - you won't be able to find zombies in any group smaller than several hundred. Do you have bullets enough to shoot thousands and thousands of zombies? Neither do we.

People who do have a lot of bullets, such as soldiers and farmers

a) Are unlikely to share their stockpiles with you.
b) Are likely to shoot you when you approach.
c) Do not have access to unlimited ammunition.

And no, that was not a multiple-choice question. Let's take a best case: you flee to the nearest army base, where you are welcomed with open arms. Along come the zombie hordes. Your boys shoot them. Then come more zombies. Your boys shoot them. Maybe years pass. Then all of a sudden, along come more zombies. Click-click. Uh-oh! We're out of ammo. Anyone want to go down the road for more? I didn't think so. Now we're all dinner.

Of course, the number of zombies is technically finite. Plan for about eight to ten billion. If you have a stockpile which can safely eradicate ten billion zombies, by all means leave a comment and we'll stand corrected. Or write you your very own ZM.

But what about ammo factories? Sorry, no dice. Those require electricity. Electricity comes from a power plant. Take over a power plant? Okay. Do you have fuel for it? Take over a coal mine? Okay. Do you have a way to ferry coal to the plant through zombie territory? Does that way involve gas? Because gas comes from gas stations. Take over a gas station? Okay. And a refinery? Oh, and guard the alaskan pipeline? You get the idea. You basically have to keep the whole civilization going just to get one bullet off the assembly line. And that's saying nothing about getting the raw material for bullets. By the time you've got your infrastructure established - assuming your party has enough know how to run refineries, factories, power plants, mines, etc - you're dinner. Munch munch.

Your best bet: go for a plan that doesn't count on humanity's finite reserves of ammo if you plan to survive.