What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.


Monday, December 08, 2008

Zombie Monday #4: That's already been thought of.


There's never been a better time to prepare for a zombie apocalypse.

MYTH: After the zombies break out, there will be plenty of time and capital to react.

Think of your four closest friends. At least one of you has a zombie plan involving buying a survival kit and escaping after word of zombies arrives. If none of those friends have such a plan, that person is you.

Common example: "RUN!" - ME!

Better example: "Fly away, be free! PS: Make sure you bring donuts, ice cream, refrigerator, cookies, tri-tip, yummy food, and food. Oh yeah, bring water, soda, and other yummy drinks." - Anonymous

Best example: "My preferred form of Zombie Apocalypse survival plan is fairly simple. Move to an island, preferably large, and live out the rest of your days happily. Ideally you'd take other survivors with you and begin a new human colony. When the zombies have finished eating themselves, you can simply move back to the mainland and begin to repopulate the earth." - Hank the Janitor

FACT: By the time you know zombies are on the loose, it's probably too late.

A rundown on the early phases of the coming apocalypse, as established by scientific investigation:

Phase 1: Ignorance is bliss.

A recent FCN poll indicated that more than half of our readers REFUSE to prepare for a zombie apocalypse because they believe it is impossible. They are determined to be caught with their britches down, perhaps not metaphorically.

The same is true for most of the world. There is an appalling lack of preparation going on from people who are unwilling to even consider the possibility the zombies may one day roam the earth. They stumble blindly into the future in hopes their preconcieved notions don't kill them. Well, we say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of going: "I should have listened to FCN," down the road.

Because of the prominent position zombies have in popular culture - especially irresponsible humorists who use zombies for a cheap laugh - no one will believe initial reports about a zombie attack. Even live footage of an undead horde eating a crowd of screaming fans at a U2 concert will be insufficient evidence. People will laugh it off as a hoax.

Phase 2: Panic.

After a day or two, the problem will be too widespread to ignore. The average person will realize that the undead are coming to his or her hometown. At this point, every means of transit will be glutted by people trying to get from where they are now to someplace else.

Most people's panic-stricken plan will be something like: "Go home, grab some necessities, pick up the family, get a first-aid kit, a rifle, and a bunch of food at the wall-mart superstore, and flee to the mountains."

What happens when billions of people decide to do the same thing at the same time? The highways are clogged to a standstill. Rumors of zombie breakouts just ahead (most of which will be untrue) will cause many to offroad, or leave their cars and hoof it. Many will be hysterical, trying to round people up for a last stand or walking blindly in the direction of the zombies to get it all over with. Others will shoot at anything that moves.

Phase 3: Looting.

Within hours, every retail outlet will be emptied of its inventory. No one wants to stand in line with zombies coming up the road, so would-be survivors will break into stores in massive numbers, overwealming security and police. The military will be sadly unable to retain order; it will be busy engaging in direct actions against the zombies and will be unable to mount a nation-wide marshal law.

Disagreements over who gets the last shotgun, tent, or can of beans will be resolved by combat to the death. Small gangs of survivors will roam shopping areas and engage in bloody firefights with anyone who wants to come in. Otherwise peaceful suburban dads, with wives and two kids waiting in the car, will become bloodthirsty maniacs, slaughtering each other for a chance at survival.

Phase 4: Social collapse.

The situation will be even more grim at the roads exiting metropolitan areas. People will resort to any means necessary to clear the road ahead, including gunplay and ramming. In spite of their efforts, the sheer volume of people will render travel by any means nearly impossible.

Bus stops, train stations, airports, and harbors will be torn apart as anarchy takes over. No one will be getting where they want to be, and as time passes, the panic will reach paralyzing proportions.

Phase 5: Zombies arrive.

It is into this setting that the zombies will walk. Civilization will be in complete disorder, totally unable to react to the undead. Many will be trapped, unable to do anything but watch in horror as the horde closes in. Plans to stock up on yummy drinks and flee to an island will be long forgotten.

One of the most important parts of any zombie plan is uniqueness. The first thing that comes to mind is also what will come to your neighbor's mind, and next thing you know, he's standing over your body in Target triumphantly holding aloft a six pack of slim-fast meal replacement shakes.

Plan ahead. Be unique.

Comment with your zombie survival plan for a free expert analysis.

11 comments:

Tim said...

overwealming -> overwhelming

Tim said...

P.S. Can zombies climb vertically up building walls? That was an important part of my old ZSP.

Kirk said...

I have a question: How zombies become zombies in the first place?

I've never been quite sure of this since I have never watched any zombie movies or read any books about them.

Anonymous said...

build a 50.caliber automatic gun. place it on a 100ft vertical mountain with the only way to get up being a pull able ladder. then make sure you have approximately 10,000 mega tons of ammunition. hire gangs of ruthless walmart shoppers to get food and drink for your hideout.

Anonymous said...

hide in the sewer to await the death of the undead.

Lauren H said...

Where do the zombies come from -- and where are they now?

(translation: Why should we believe you anyway?)

Mairuzu said...

My plan involves a large sword (like Cloud's in FF7) that and a minigun. yeah there are some "minor" details that could be added but I think I'll be okay.

LadyLurker said...

What if you aren't human to start with?

Anonymous said...

i will cover myself with iron and spray on anti-zombie smell.

guitarbob said...

I'll just go about my everyday life and not get eaten, cause the zombies'll be all like "AAH! he's too awesome!!!". Yeah, that should work.

Anonymous said...

Please, I think you have exhasted the zombie topic. Enough of zombies, please, Please? PLEASE!