What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

25 Ways Not to Ruin Christmas

Christmas can be a finicky thing. Here, we detail 25 ways to get through it. Because no one wants a horrible Christmas.

1) Respect the expiration date on the egg nog.
2) One Christmas play is enough.
3) Never leave figgy pudding unattended.
4) Your car should be bigger than your Christmas tree.
5) Make sure the turkey is dead before you cook it.
6) Do not use ornaments that require the use of actual fire.
7) Carol at hospitals, not dark alleys.
8) Shopping should be done in November.
9) Always keep a fire extinguisher handy.
10) Never spend more than $20 on someone not immediately related to you.
11) Not all shopping mall Santas are created equal.
12) The presents will still be there when you're done sleeping in.
13) If you blow a fuse when you click on your lights, change something before turning them on again.
14) Comments about use of the word "gay" in old Christmas songs stopped being funny long ago.
15) Actually make a physical list of names, and check them off when you've sent a gift.
16) Have Christmas dinner at someone else's house and leave ("to feed the homeless") when it's time to clean up.
17) No matter how much you love a certain Christmas song, at some point, enough is enough.
18) Shop for extended family at Wal-Mart.
19) If you must neglect someone, don't let it be your girl or her mother.
20) Remember kids: Christmas is fun, but safety is funner.
21) Grab some Taco Bell just before eating so you're not hungry enough to make some terrible mistakes.
22) Save the important announcements (like "We're engaged!" and "I'm pregnant!") for next week.
23) Double check that you don't mix up who's gift is who's.
24) Pets and Christmas do not mix.
25) Nobody likes your rendition of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire."

Saturday, December 19, 2009

FCN Roundtable #1

What follows is the first ever FCN roundtable discussion of...well, we never did quite stick to one topic. Unfortunately, not all FCN authors were able to attend. At the last minute F and Jessica bailed on us, even though it was Jessica's idea. It's all her fault. We blame her. Shea culpa.

7:47 PM N has joined
Chip has joined
Chip: Hey people.
7:48 PM Ana: We're just waiting for C now
Chip: That sounds like a song.
Waiting for C.
Ana: I got a message from Jessica that she won't be able to join us b/c her mom had Christmas plans for tonight
N: mmm thats whatcha say
Ana: ok, ok. i'll admit it
i eliminated her and that's why she can't come
7:49 PM Chip: Lucky her.
Oh. Not lucky.
Ana: i wanted to be the only girl in our group *pout*
N: miss murder
Chip: Hehe, one is plenty.
Way to go. :P
7:50 PM Ana: [btw, everything we're typing right now could very possibly end up on the blog. if you have something to say that you don't want included in the post, please enclose in brackets like this]
Chip: [I heard this cool joke today about a Lebanese barista.]
Ana: [ok]
Chip: [It's really funny but I'm not going to tell you.]
Ana: [this is so going in the post]
7:51 PM [and you better tell it or else]
Chip: [You'd better not put it in the post.]
C has joined
Chip: [It's off limits.]
Hi C.
You missed the best part.
Ana: Hello C
7:52 PM good to have you with us
is everyone ready to begin?
do we want every man for himself style or should we have teams?
Chip: Teams for what?
Is there going to be a competition?
C: That makes it all sound very adversarial
Ana: well, this is a debate
you of all people should understand that, C
7:53 PM C: Like a conversation between Elin and Tiger (1)
Chip: Oh I didn't get that memo.
Ana: haha
Chip, would you be more comfortable with the term "discussion?"
C: I'm counting my ex-golfer references
while sipping my Arnold Palmer (2)
Ana: sheesh
Chip: Lol.
7:54 PM C: Who's here right now?
Chip: As long as it includes ex-golfers, I don't care what term is used.
Ana: C, N, Chip, and Ana
F and Jessica won't be able to join us
Chip: They are no longer with us.
C: Like the Pittsburgh Steelers
Ana: They both gave plausible excuses, but I'll bet money that they're really on a date and didn't want to tell us
7:55 PM C: Is that allowed?
Ana: Betting?
Chip: A date...
That reminds me.
Ana: on the Steelers? I don't know if you'd want to...
C: I think there's an FCN policy somewhere on inter-author dating
Chip: Lol.
Where can that be found, C?
C: I'll look it up, give me a second...
7:56 PM Chip: Right...
I'm figuring it's in a file cabinet in a bathroom in a basement behind a sign that says "Beware of the leopard."
Ana: N, are you with us? You're awfully quiet tonight
Chip: [I killed him.]
7:57 PM C: That's where F keeps his perfume, actually, but close.
N has left
Ana: [why?]
Chip: [I figured if Ana could do it, I could.]
Ana: [N's my brother. you're dead]
[i didn't kill anyone's little sister!]
Chip: [You're not allowed to be the only murderess.]
C: [What did I miss??]
Chip: [Oh wait.]
Ana: [you want to be a murderess, too? interesting...]
Chip: [That's what the "oh wait" signified]
7:58 PM
C, anything in brackets is off the record.
Ana: [uh-huh, i'm sure]
[that's what i said, anyway - do you trust me? ;) ]
Chip: A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. You'd think [they would've seen it.]
C: I got that...I'm just lost. There's a lot off the record :-P
Ana: [i'll take that as a no]
7:59 PM anyone have a topic they'd like to discuss tonight?
Chip: Incriminating evidence is always off the record.
Ana: looks like we really did lose N
Chip: Ana!
What did you do now?
Ana: [it wasn't me - you admitted to the murder yourself]
8:00 PM [what'd you use, that sweet little Colt?]
Chip: [And you admitted that you're the only murderess here.]
[Yeah, I used my C.]
[a C is a good murder weapon.]
Ana: [did not. you're the one who thinks I murdered her. how do you know she isn't tied up somewhere?]
Chip: Answer: Yes, I have a topic to discuss tonight!!!!
N has joined
8:01 PM Ana: what is it?
N: holla holla
Ana: holler back in the woods
C: We're all dieing to know!
Chip: Connection problems, N?
Ok, the topic:
Ana: you could say that
C: Here it is, Chip: FCN has a “no on-field dating” policy. This includes newly formed couples and couples who are already dating. All forms of physical contact (hand holding, kissing, hugging, sitting on laps) are prohibited both in public and in private. This necessary policy helps us maintain integrity and team unity, helps FCN concentrate on good humor writing, and also allows future FCN writers to join in the fun.
N: yup
Ana: i think he has other problems :P
N: sad face :(
C: From section 6, paragraph 2, clause four of FCN's bylaws.
8:02 PM I added the sitting on laps part after observing a disturbing scene involving N and F.
Ana: whiiich you * just * wrote
yuck! so glad I wasn't there to witness that
Chip: The topic: F said that he needs to work right now to get moolah to buy clothes to impress girls.
Ana, do nice clothes really impress girls?
8:03 PM C: That's a really good question.
Ana: sometimes
it depends on the definition of "nice clothes"
C: And that's a really cryptic answer!
Ana: i don't know if F has the necessary sense of style
also, he needs a haircut more than he needs nice clothes
Chip: C, I wish I had had a chance to vote on that section before last Friday.
Ana: Why? Ur not dating any other FCN authors
C: Do tell...
8:04 PM Chip: lol, so you don't want to admit it Ana?
I say let's keep things out in the open.
No secrets.
Ana: * blush *
Chip: Yeah...
C: This just got juicy. I'm Xing out of Hulu in the other window to pay full attention to this revelation.
Chip: You know why I was asking about the clothes now.
Ana: Chip, that's not fair. You know I don't do long-distance relationships!
8:05 PM Chip: lol, there didn't seem to be a lot of distance last Friday.
Chip: Very little distance indeed...
Ana: Please restate the question in full. I obviously did not understand it.
Chip: TITCR?
C: Google it.
8:06 PM Chip: GYS
Ana: C is a Google addict and very snobby about it, too.
C: You're a sucker for typing in random letters. I'm a sucker for retyping them into Google.
8:07 PM Ana: Right back at you, C
Chip: Mr C, how are you liking Chrome for Linux?
C: This year, I have conducted 6,646 Google searches.
Ana: *** censored ***
Chip: Chrome or Linux?
8:08 PM *** censored ***
Ana: *** censored ***
Chip: *** censored ***
Ana: *** censored ***
C: Chrome is a sensory overload: think eating ice cream while sitting in a sauna.Ana: hmmm, i think there would be a meltdown
Chip: *** censored ***
8:09 PM C: Except the ice cream never melts
Chip: You're making me drool, C.
My ice cream is getting sticky with drool.
Ana: if you're trying to praise Chrome, your choice of metaphor could have been better
C: You say meltdown, I think of Tiger again (3)
Ana: no, you can't count the same guy twice. not allowed
8:10 PM C: Which brings us back to the original question, or a variant on it: Do pretty girls like guys who can spin a good metaphor?
Ana: see section 9, paragraph 7
C: Touche
Ana: pretty girls who know English do
the other girls won't notice if it's poor or rich
8:11 PM c is typing for a very long time
Chip: This should be good.
8:12 PM C: This might explain my relationship luck. How are you working the metaphors with Ana, Chip?
I had to censor my comment, because my mother might read it.
Ana: C, does she still have access to your account?
Chip: Hehe.
Then I'll censor mine and not answer. ;)
C: She has access to FCN
Ana: mmm-hmm...riiight
8:13 PM C: Which is probably better, as far as digging up dirt goes.
What do girls notice first about how a guy is dressed?
Chip: I notice the sweater.
Ana: that's a difficult question
Chip: Oh sorry.
C: *** censored ***
Ana: obviously, if the guy's wearing pants down to his knees, that's a turn-off
C: Hahaha Chip!
8:14 PM Ana: especially if his boxers are Hello Kitty
*** censored ***
Chip: What Ana, you want his pants to barely reach past his crotch?
Chip: I like pants down to the ankles...
Ana: Pants should be around a guys hips
8:15 PM LOL
Chip: Oh, you're talking about the waist, not the legs.
That sweater is so hot! (Notice how metaphorical it is.)
C: I think you mean that it is "tho hott."
Chip: The dude obviously has a cheerful personality.
8:16 PM Ana: OK, here's the deal: a nice dress shirt with a tie and slacks (or even nicer jeans) can make even a below-average looking male look HAWT
Chip: Yeth, that'th what I mean but I like to spell it right.
C: Seriously? you expect a guy to wear a tie on a date?
Ana: why is N so silent? it makes me sad
o brother, where art thou? :(
C: And slacks?
Ana: black pants or khakis
8:17 PM
C: That's GQ, not life.
Chip: Ana, this what you're thinking?
Ana: ummmm....i guess so...but will schuester just seems soooo gay to me
and it's not because he sings and dances - he's a total wuss
C: You stole the words from my mouth...
8:18 PM Ana: not that gays are wussy. at least, not all of them.
C: the song and dance thing doesn't help, tho...
Chip: He is NOT a wuss!
N: {sorry im afk i just got a really serious phone call)
Ana: no it sure doesn't
Chip: I love that guy!
Ana: ummm yah
my grandma could take him
C: Um, Chip, case in point.
Ana: what does that say about you, Chip?
Chip: I can't believe you're insulting that paradigm of manhood.
What does that say about you, Ana.
Ana: you're not helping your image here, you've already referred to yourself as a "murderess" once tonight
Chip: You know what, it's over.
8:19 PM Ana: it was never under. so yeah. goodbye!
Chip: That's what she said.
Ana: i saw that coming
Chip: That's what she said :P
Ana: unfortunately, there's no backspace once you hit enter
Chip: That's what she said.
8:20 PM
C: You should just stay quiet for a minute, Ana ;-)
Ana: ok, now i have a question for each of you guys to answer individually: What are the top 5 hottest professions a guy can have?
C: Chip -- if you want a paradigm of manliness, take a look at Jesper Parvenik (4)
8:21 PM And his fashion should make Ana happy.
Ana: sorry, golfer is NOT one of them
(unless you make a gadzillion $)
what, no link?
C: Fine.
8:22 PM Chip: 1) Dancing choir coach, 2) Fireman, 3) Soldier, 4) lumberjack, 5) bodybuilder.
Ana: yummmmm
Chip: That Jesper guy is hot.
Make Golfer #2
8:23 PM
Technically Ana, you should be the one answering this.
Or me.
C: This is in our opinion? I mean, we have already established our credentials as completely uninformed males....
Chip: Not fair making Cody judge the female perspective.
8:24 PM Ana: please don't say anything bad i have a ybos
i have to bellyslap him until he leaves
hang on a sec brb
8:25 PM C: All right. Based on my understanding of the female psyche:
1) Chief executive, 2) Physician/surgeon, 3) Dentist, 4) Lawyer, 5) Aircraft pilot and flight engineers.
Chip: I wonder why you put lawyer on the list, C. ;)
C: Actually there's a trend to the occupations I included. Can you sniff it out?
8:26 PM Ana: *** censored ***
8:27 PM the only one you got right is lawyer
i CANNOT believe you put dentist on that list
Chip: You think women are completely venal.
C: Here's a hint: I was chatting with a buddy about a new scent that's supposed to make a guy irresistible to the opposite gender. Some kind of miracle smell that makes you as hot as Brad Pitt or that guy from New Moon. My buddy's answer: Does it make you smell like money?
Chip: I know they are sensual.
Ana: Here's the real list:
8:28 PM C: Venal (Search number 6661) -- culpable to the pecuniary motivations
8:29 PM Chip: (Don't you mean "vulnerable," not "culpable"?)
Ana: culpable of, probably
*** censored ***
C: [Yes I do, please amend to avoid vocabulary embarassment]
Chip: That's just your bias, Ana.
Ana: hang on, i've got siblings trying to pick the lock on my door. if i leave abruptly, you'll know why. OK, list:
8:30 PM C: [Although "culpable to" gets 76k hits on google (6662)]
Chip: I'll bet #1 is baby sitter, Ana.
Ana: that shows how many idiots there are in the world
Chip: [Google is stupid.]
Ana: 1. Firefighter
C: I was going with nanny, but that's just because it has been in the news lately (5)
Ana: 2. Lawyer (high level)
8:31 PM
3. Doctor
4. Airforce
5. Paramedic/Police Officer/Navy
C: What is a high level lawyer?
No. 5 is cheating
8:32 PM Ana: a lawyer who makes a lot of money
yeah, i know, but they're tied
C: It's several in one.
*** censored ***
Ana: and visual - notice everyone in those categories will most likely be fit
8:33 PM C: How come airforce is ranked above the other military branches?
I know a fair number of fat lawyers.
Chip: Problems that I can foresee: 1 poor. 2 sleazy. 3 busy. 4 risky.
Ana: Firefighters are #1 b/c they are required to stay fit in their profession, make a good amount of money, have awesome benefits, and get a lot of days off. Also, they're usually tall.
C: They sit around in libraries and offices all day reading cases and writing briefs. Tend to be very soft, especially in the thorax and morals.
8:34 PM Ana: AF is ranked higher because their uniforms are the BEST
Chip: Thorax. I like it.
C: Firefighters are like chain smokers, only without the nicotine.
8:35 PM Chip: LOL
That's going on my status C.
C: I think every guy secretly hates AF members because they're scared they will steal their GFs.
Ana: STOP IT!!!!!!!!
oops, sorry, i was yelling at the sibs
i guess typing my yell is not very effective. they're close to getting in
8:36 PM
Chip: Why, did they not hear it?
C is typing...
Ana: i think c is writing a book
Chip: I think I'll buy it.
C: And as far as the police go, you would really date a guy who gives out tickets for a living? Did you know I spent last Saturday with a bunch of other derelicts learning the rules of the road in traffic school? I think dating police officers is prohibited in section 8, somewhere...
Ana: C, you're not allowed to dictate who I date or do not date
Chip: Ditto to that, Ana.
8:37 PM Ana: and writing more sections of the FCN code is not a fair way to do it
Chip: You tell him. We know.
C: It's in the rules, girl.
Chip: We'll stand up against this.
Ana: Chip, I think you and F should get together
8:38 PM Chip: Do tell.
Ana: [awkward lag]
[are we done?]
[that's what she said]
[ha! beat you to it!]
C: [I was working on another golf joke...]
N has left
Ana: [n doesn't like usj]
8:39 PM [did u phone him]
C: [Yeah...it went straight to vm]
Chip: Poor N, I wonder what his phone call was about.
C: This girl Jamie, probably.
Ana: oooh, tell us
C: She looks good from far, but is far from good.
8:40 PM N is trying to get further away, if you get my drift.
Ana: i think that could be said about many people
C: *** censored ***
Ana: *** censored ***
C: *** censored ***
Ana: *** censored ***
8:41 PM C: N might use this post as a way to finally end the deal...
Ana: sounds like a good strategy
is he sure she reads the blog? wait, stupid question
C: Chip...what are the hottest lady professions?
Ana: of course she does...wait, is she reader 5?
C: I doubt it...her mom might tho...
8:42 PM Ana: does she change shape the closer you get to her?
C: Ugh!
8:43 PM Chip?
Chip: Lol, dude, that question is no fair.
C: *** censored ***
Chip: Are there even 5 lady professions? Nurse, teacher...ummm....
8:44 PM
Ana: * jaw drop * what?
Chip: Enlighten me Ana.
Ana: excuse me, ladies do pretty much everything men do
i don't know if there are 5 "hottest" lady professions though
Chip: I believe your sex shares every profession with men.
Ana: thoughts?
Chip: A firefighter is traditionally male. But what's traditionally female?
8:45 PM
C: Are you thinking of professions that are distinctly feminine?
Ana: *** censored ***
C: Like a man can't do that?
Chip: "distinctly feminine."
Ana: prostitute
Chip: Exactly.
C: Wet nurse
Chip: Omg Ana.
C: Surrogate mother
Chip: You did not just say that.
Ana: oh yes i did
C: These are things men cannot do.
Men can be prostitutes, thank you very much.
8:46 PM Ana: yes, but they're not "traditionally" prostitutes
Chip: They're no good at it C.
C: Mike Tyson would have a thing or two to say to that!
Chip: Believe me, I know.
Ana: and Tiger Woods (1)
C: *** censored ***
8:47 PM Chip: *** censored ***
C: But baaaaack to the original question, before Chip insulted women and Ana took us on the path of Nevada's biggest taxable income source.
Ana: *** censored ***
8:48 PM C: *** censored ***
Ana: *** censored ***
C: *** censored ***
Ana: *** censored ***
8:49 PM
C: *** censored ***
Ana: *** censored ***
C: *** censored ***
Ana: which was?
C: Hottest female professions
8:50 PM Chip: Ok, here goes: Musician, Teacher, Author, Nurse, Stripper.
Ana: i think there are only 2
oh wait - stewardess!
Chip: Oh, scratch #5 and make it "actress"
Ana: *** censored ***
Chip: :P
Ana: should "waitress" be on that list?
C: My list: 1) Musician, 2) Actress, 3) Dancer, 4) Athlete, 5) Secretary
Chip: Waitresses are losers.
8:51 PM C: *** censored ***
Chip: Secretaries are slaves. Athletes are masculine.
Ana: musicians make zero money
C: You are catching my drift ;-)
wait wait athletes are masculine?
Chip: Women don't have to make money to be hot.
Ana: yeah, what? figure skaters, hello
Chip: Yes, figure skaters.
C: Allison Stokke...hello!
Chip: Put that on the list.
Ana: well hellooooo
C: *** censored ***
8:52 PM
Chip: Point taken, C.
C: Oh yeah...Michelle Wie (6) booya!
8:53 PM Ana: what, did u just google "female golfer"?
C: Or, if you play as her on a video game console, it's Michelle Wii.
Ana: heehee
Chip: Lol
C: Um... (6676)
The number of google searches I have conducted this year.
8:54 PM
Ana: brb my bros are shooting off fireworks
C: *** censored ***
8:55 PM
So our readers don't think reading this is a total loss, what are some takeaways?
Chip: Um...Money is good. Google is god. Golfers are good. Mr. Schuester is hot.
8:56 PM
If you're a woman, you can get any job you want. You can do anything a man can.
If you write for FCN, don't date a colleague. N is on the phone.
8:57 PM
C: If you are F, come to the next roundtable so you can defend yourself.
Ana: *** censored ***
C: If you are Chip and Ana, talk to HR about how to handle your budding relationship and may your hearts fall in love like precipitation.
8:58 PM
And never evaporate.
Ana: ummm no
please may that never happen
(no offense chip)
Chip: This sounds like a hybrid matching-selection game.
C: Ouch Chip
8:59 PM K...I'm out. This was good. I can't wait to see it edited so I sound smart. Later!
Chip: Yeah, she's just pretending.
Lol, cya!
Ana: have a great weekend boys
Chip: *** censored ***
C: u2