What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Friday, June 29, 2007

This Is Our Canvas: The FCN Philosophy

Some folks are pathogenically artistic. Every move is a calculated expression; their thespian side knows no limit and articulation is their forté and their faiblesse (to use a little Français).

I know; the above paragraph looks like it was written by some off the deep end artso who is so intent on clipping his nose hair that he never stops to balance his budget. Let me assure you that, while I do meticulously maintain proper limits on my nasal follicles, I also take time to manage my finances. I am also very proud of my sniffer, thank you, and would appreciate if you stopped staring.

Ah, but my proboscis (my beak, snoot – snout if you’re from the north – nozzle, schnoz or schnozzle, if you prefer) is a great topic for another post. Let’s leave my olfactory organ alone and stop asking how we got here in the first place.

You can always tell the serious artistic cases (the ones that need to be put in the Intensive Care Unit so their “art” can’t reach the outside world and pollute all of us) by the way they use human form in their art.

An artist feels that the moment he scoots out of the womb he’s got to start improving the world. Sometimes they begin their improvements before the big send off (that’s called a breach pregnancy), but most of the time they grab the nearest artistic tool as soon as they're old enough fit it into their mouths.

The ultimate expression of an artistic being is a tattoo. Ask anyone who as undergone the highly painful and slightly humiliating process of tattooing and you may very well get a response like “My body is my canvas.” Any other response can be attributed to an over-endowed sense of manliness or complete idiocy.

This belief -- that the body is a tool for expression -- is a dead ringer for an artistic expressionist; someone's gone over the imagination waterfall and is still trying to find his floaties. In fact several studies have linked breach pregnancy babies to an increased tattoo risk. One even advised parents to tattoo their breach young with an acceptable mark to mitigate the chance of an inappropriate one later in life.

In general, the more tattoos a person has the more likely they would have led a successful artistic career had they not ruined their chances by getting the tattoo in the first place.

But how did we get from my nose to breach pregnancies and tattoos? This is like a conversation with that woman from Raley’s. Goodness sakes alive (her words, not mine)!

FCN is, in an odd sort of way, my tattoo. It’s my canvas; my place to express deceptively shallow material disguised with humor to look deep (hence the need for floaties). If you remove the needles and pain but keep the humiliation and mix in an odd sort of cyber permanence, you get FCN.

FCN even has some of the disadvantages of a tattoo. If my employer finds out who I am and what I write, I could lose my job. My female friends stop talking to me after reading FCN, not unlike the way they would if they discovered a nasty tat; even my mothers (biological and cyberphysical) have to take me aside sometimes after reading something here.

FCN reaches under the skin and make a lasting mark. Once you've been here, you're pretty much marked for life. Removal is expensive, painful and not 100% successful. We're sorry but it's something you are going to have to talk with your future spouse about.

That's the FCN philosophy in a nutshell. But showing off the tattoo is getting old and waxing philosophical is more painful than, well, nose hair clipping, so if you'll excuse me I am going to make a phone call to one of my jock friends (with real tattoos) who wouldn't know Mona Lisa if she slapped him in the face to have a conversation about "nothing."

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Part the Fourth: She has a 'crush' on you

This post is way, way overdue. I don't know why I delayed so long in writing it; maybe some youthful pride was welling in my bosom and I thought I could assuage it by putting off the inevitable. The faithful FCN few had to know sometime; I couldn't keep my secret forever. The moment would come, my embarrassment would be known by all and the lack of sympathy would be palpable. As part owner of this blog, I know how it works and I know I deprived you all by not being forthright about it in the first place, but, heck, better late then never, right?

My love life is your love life and, like most communal things, it is pitiful. As always, any tips or advice are appreciated. Condemning and criticizing words will be read, but are not appreciated. Please comment accordingly.

A month ago, I was “dumped” by a young woman who once told her friends she had a crush on me. Now I am trying to get her back... but I am getting way, way ahead of myself.

Luce and I met at a small place by the movie theater during finals week and I my vocal analysis was right on: Blonde through and through. Energetic is probably the best word to describe her and she was very outgoing. She had my picture on her phone and had set it as her wallpaper. She looked athletic and she told me she played tennis for our school. Luce told me she grew up in the Bay Area but went to college in the valley to get away from the city. Our conversation was comfortable and I enjoyed letting her do the talking.

Her favorite color is magenta which is a perversion of purple. She is claustrophobic and can't stand dogs. Her brother is in med school and she has a sister in the military. She misses both terribly. She has had too many sports injuries to count and likes to dye her hair different colors so she wasn't always blonde. She hates using the computer and loves the outdoors.

That's when it hit me like a frog's tongue on a fly: Was this the same “shy” girl who wouldn't approach me in person and sent her friends as emissaries instead? I must have stiffened physically because Luce stopped midway through a sentence on the merits of charging the net to ask what the matter was. I pursed my lips, glanced suspiciously from left to right, depressed my eyebrow and leaned forward. I took a deep breath and looked her in the eye for a second.

“Nothing...You were saying?”

Our conversation continued after a moments hesitation and I used the guise of interest to develop my theory. This couldn't possibly be the “real” Luce. The real Luce was quiet, sat in the back of the cafeteria and had Hispanic friends who used their mother's cell phones. The girl in front of me was a bubbly blonde who probably went to parties just to energize them. The girl in front of me was the star of the tennis team, not the outcast.

“So, what's your real name?” I bluntly changed the subject, deciding to use surprise to my advantage.

Luce smiled, obviously a lot more used to social dweebs than she let on. “Lucy, but my friends call me Luce. Why?”

Why indeed. My suspicion was beginning to look vaguely ridiculous and my hold on conversational authority was leaving me like so many lemmings. In retrospect, my curiosity was poorly conceived. Why...did I always have to make a fool of myself in two-way social interactions? Why...was I the one who got left holding the cheese? Why...was Luce looking at me like that?

Oh yes, her question. I answered with a joke that seemed to recover most of the ground my gaff had lost, but the rest of our interaction was without the comfort we shared early in the date.

Maybe that's because I spent less time listening and more time thinking about this whole sordid episode. Luce, tennis, the cafeteria, the cell phone picture, me. It didn't fit. Something was wrong. What kind of girl approaches a guy with expressions of affection before establishing any sort of relationship?

I decided the best course of action was the blunt one, so I continued bludgeoning our conversation around by asking the above to Luce.

“What kind of girl approaches a guy with expressions of affection before establishing any sort of relationship? I mean...what kind of girl...” I let my thoughts trail off like the curator in Night At The Museum and used descriptive hand motions to convey my confusion.

“You weren't going to ask, so I did.” Luce seemed so calm. How did she know I wasn't going to ask? Maybe I was thinking about it and just biding my time. And what did it matter anyhow? So this was an epistemological question, not one of romance and passion? I was a bet, a wager she placed with her friends? What about the proper role of...?

My thoughts were interrupted by Luce who stood up quickly. “You know what? You're just a pretty face. I try to get to know you and you just sit there dumbly and then try to lecture me on...” I think she “humphed” there, but the crack of her palm against my cheek made the memory fuzzy.

When I cleared my vision and mustered the courage to peek up from beneath my arms, I saw her Tundra zip out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

I got a few stares as I paid the bill and exited myself. But nobody saw as I sobbed softly in the front seat of my car. How could I have messed that up? Things were going so well! We were clicking!

That's what I get for focusing on the method, not the content. And she ordered the second most expensive item on the menu!

Maybe she was playing hard to get, as if it wasn't hard enough to get her for the first date. Or maybe I'm just an empty visage with nothing to offer the fairer gender.

I think you're supposed to call your date back the next day and follow up, say it was a great evening and lie about what an awesome time you had. Well, it's been a month and I haven't called her back. I have her number and sometimes I look at it like the man in the “maybe” lottery add.

You know what? I think I'll give her a call and see how she's doing. Maybe she has an opening this week and we can catch a tennis game or something. Now if only I can find my cell phone.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

People We Actually Like

After our post a few weeks back detailing those people who are on the wrong side of our disposition, a number of comments and even a few emails have asked us to spill our guts on exactly who we do like. It's as if you guys know, deep in your heart of hearts and in places we don't talk about at parties that there is a nice streak to the FCN writers and you are desperate to dig it up. Well, from our perspective, there is nothing quite like a passel of readers jabbing us into writing something. Maybe “Faithful FCN Few” should be replaced by “Fierce FCN Fighters,” because that's what you feel like to us. It's like we're play acting: we are Paris Hilton and you all are the wardens. Or maybe we're Shamu and you are the SeaWorld trainers.

OK, fine, we'll do it. But with a bad attitude: we've got to maintain some individuality.

People we actually like: a non-exhaustive list.

Mommy G - It just wouldn't be right to start this list any other way. Mommy G is awesome. She gives us brownies. We like her. When she leaves, our colors fade to gray. Nu ma nu ma iei. Etc etc etc. Life is good.

Nancy Pelosi - What can we say? Nancy is something else. She's a real go-get-er. She stands up for what she believes in, which is a lot, among other things. She makes pants look good. She makes Zillary look bad. She's way photogenic. She doesn't need makeup. What's not to like about Nancy?

Tom Cruise - Nuff said.

Em - She reads our stuff. She emails us. She talks to us. She dances with us. She gives us girl advice. She takes care of our accessories. If FCN needs it, Em is there to supply. She's the reason FCN came back online four days early. As a side note, she asked us to never use her name again. Sorry about that, Em.

Josh Groban - All the ladies like him, so apparently we have to, too. We never actually heard his stuff, though, unless that was him singing at the end of Troy, not that we watched that movie.

Lindsay Lohan - Okay, ladies DON'T tend to like her, but that's probably just jealousy. Let's just start things off by saying that Mean Girls is one of the greatest movies ever, not that we watched that movie, either. Lindsay keeps us guessing. We can't figure her or her freckles out. She keeps us awake at night. We seriously need to have her over for an FCN interview.

The Late Saddam Hussein - This guy was so misunderstood. It's like: "You killed a bunch of innocent people, so now you're no good and we don't want to have anything to do with you." Come on, people. Lay off poor Saddam. He had feelings too, you know. In fact, he had a lot of positive qualities, like vision, decisiveness, and lots of body doubles.

Marie Antoinette, also known as Archduchess Maria Antonia of Austria, also known as Marie Antoinette, Queen of France and Navarre - She sat in a palace and ate rice krispies and Crepe Suzette and wore fancy clothes and had good grammar and had her people eat cake. Duuuuuude. What a woman. Kirsten Dunst definitely did NOT do her justice.

Sandy Berger - Here's a man who knows how to use his socks. Sandy's been completely maligned by the popular media for doing what any normal person would do - carry classified documents in his undergarments. We think there is more to the story and that everyone should lay off poor Sandy. If we had to choose between having a beer with Sandy and visiting the National Archives with him, we would do it.

Hillary Duff - She can sing. She can act. She can design clothes and perfume. She looks like the girl next door. She looks like a supermodel. She is now an adult. Questions? I didn't think so.

Kim Jong Il - Not every petty despot is willing to fly across the Pacific just to explain his plans for world domination in football terms. And this guy makes a great fashion statement. He clearly values performance and intimidation over appearance. One glance at those shades says: "I don't care about how I look." The opposite is actually true. That careless look takes some cultivation. Give the guy some credit.

Desperate Student - Because ... oh, forget it.

Bashar Assad - It's a bird! It's a plane! Actually, it's Bashar Assad. We can't quite figure out what he looks like. He definitely makes a great world leader, that's for sure. I mean, look at that face. It spells power. It also spells Doritos, but that's another story. Frankly, we can't figure this guy's face out, but we would definitely put a poster of it up our wall. Or maybe we wouldn't.

Jose de la Cocinar - Okay, so maybe there wasn't ever a guy named Jose de la Cocinar. This is the honorary name we've given to the dude who invented taquitoes. To the real Jose de la Cocinar, we say: we don't know who you are, but if you're still alive (which would probably be pretty freaky), we take off our sombreros to you.

This post is much too positive in tone for FCN. We're usually locked in bitter sarcasm, and here we are patting everyone on the back. To redeem the post, we'll end it on a negative note by pointing fingers at one more person we really don't like:

Santa Claus - Um. Last year? No presents? Okay, not cool. Bad Santa. Very bad Santa.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Master Update

Almost all of our readers have heard The Master! Proof of this fact is seen in YouTube's hit counter, reproduced below:

If you haven't heard this radio masterpiece yet, check it out now!

The Master on Wal-Mart

It's been a long time since The Master made an appearance on FCN. If you've ever heard him, you know why. Anyway, we recently upped his latest broadcast on YouTube, and you can view it here, which, for those of you who don't click on things, is:


Yes, we use YouTube to host our audio. No, we will not apologize.

If you're new to The Master, check out his first broadcast here, which, of course, is the same thing as:


Note that the above link can only be accessed with Internet Explorer or Mozilla Firefox, unless of course you have m@d h@x0r ski(z like Uncle Wally.

Monday, June 25, 2007

New Mexico Is So Boring...

New Mexico is a medium sized state nestled between Arizona and Texas. It is also one of the four corner states and, with those two exceptions, there is nothing notable about New Mexico. Serious. The “Welcome To Our Very Humble State” Visitors Center talks about all the things to see and do...in Colorado, Texas and Arizona. The state's main attractions are all based on history – a not-so-subtle admission that the present is uninteresting. The state bird is the Roadrunner, a creature stolen from neighboring Arizona. The state motto is even less inspiring: “Grow as it goes.” Try waiting around for that. Yawn. If you're from the Land of Enchantment, please don't take this the wrong way; you're state was probably once very engaging. Probably. Maybe. Possibly. Anyway, today New Mexico is boring. Yes, boring. New Mexico is so boring...

...Illegal immigrants have been known to run south across the border.

...M.C. Hammer lost "it" in Albuquerque.

...It's biggest claim to national fame is to have sponsored a presidential candidate.

...It's biggest claim to literary fame is D.H. Lawrence. You can visit his ranch outside Taos and see a small painted urn with his ashes. It's five dollars admission.

...It's biggest claim to artistic fame is the Museum of International Folk Art, featuring beautiful sculptures made in places other than New Mexico.

...It's biggest claim to state pride is beating Arizona to statehood by a month. Die copper state!

...Nobody bothered to mark the border between Old and New.

...The only thing that is burned in effigy is a large paper mannequin.

...The designers of Route 66 decided this stretch of country was lonely enough.

...Most historical “artifacts” are actually just dead.

...Even the historical artifacts are bored.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Arizona Is So Hot...

Have any of you ever been to Arizona? (or, as it's called by the natives, Arid Zona?). It's the Sunshine State's neighbor to the East and has been affectionately titled the Sunburn state. Even if you've never been there before, you probably know that Arizona is hot. It isn't just warm; it's so grilling hot that light waives are bent indoors and you can boil an egg on your leg (a small mom and pop diner in Phoenix actually serves an “egg on your leg” special on weekday afternoons). The heat in Arizona isn't like other climes, because it's a dry heat; there is no humidity to keep you moist, so most people dry up and look like hippies on crack (on crack) soon after crossing the border. Arizona is hot. Squelching hot. Arizona is so hot...

...Most bathrooms are equipped with a mister above the toilette.

...Faucets don't have a hot water dial.

...Freon is the state's second largest import, behind illegal aliens.

...Coppertone is subsidized by the state government.

...When she first visited, Jessica Alba was surprised to find something hotter than herself.

...Green grass is owned only by rich people.

...College students don't bother with garments.

...Neither do senior citizens.

...Al Gore chose it to shoot significant parts of an Inconvenient Truth.

...The rich illegal aliens carry umbrellas.

...Road surfaces are a HazMat.

...Swimming pools are large spas.

...The gasoline almost costs more than water.

...The open desert is coated with a thick sheet of glass.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


Well, we're back.

And four days earlier than we promised, too. We had to rush to give Em her lifeline; hey, she was dieing. It's OK. We're back now.

It's been a great vacation. Although, Em didn't like it so much. Wait, was that email off the record, too?

If you assumed by looking at the picture on our “going on vacation post” that we were visiting a touristy island with a palm tree and blue waters and recharging our batteries with all the amenities of the modern vacation, you were wrong. You know what they say about assumptions. We didn't go to Zimbabwe. That's where we thought we were going, but our flight was redirected to Belton, Texas, which is directly between Mexico and the nearest stoplight.

Actually, we drove. Cody is now officially really, really bad at following directions.

After over 4,000 miles of driving, lots of heavy breakfast on Route 66 diners and a serious case of the back seat flabs (if you don't already know, please don't ask), the FCN team is reassembled in sublime center of the sunny central valley of California.

Belton was the site of the NCFCA 2007 National Tournament. To select Belton, the league inputted the names of every city in the United States into an excel macro and randomly chose one. We showed up on the first day of the tournament wearing FCN shirts, but we got nothing but cruel remarks (and some genuinely snide remarks), so we didn't go back for the rest of the week. Our artistic souls can't handle that kind of negativity.

For those of you who didn't know from the details description above, Belton is about 40 miles from Crawford. That's right, it's right smack dab in the middle of Bush country. A casual conversation with an acquaintance brought this fact to the fore of our collective consciousness (not that we believe in the collective consciousness) and we ended up driving out to see W's digs. This is yet another example of how dangerous casual conversations can be.

As we approached Bush's house, we saw large orange traffic signs on either side of the road with imposing warnings like:







Large cameras made no attempt to hide the fact that we were being surveyed. A drone airplane was, no doubt, overhead, and and I could barely make out the outlines of the automatic weapons hidden in the brush. As we got nearer, we saw the broken bodies of tourists who had not heeded the warnings littering the side of the road.

The actual house wasn't that impressive – it was apparently built during a down turn in the oil economy – but the helicopter hanger, communication antennae and black armored Humvees were something else. We didn't get close enough to entice anything FCN worthy, but our imagination ran wild with possibilities.

As our car was just inching its way past the driveway, the door to the house opened and Laura Bush emerged, waiving her hands for me to stop the car. We pointed sheepishly to the “keep driving” sign and remembered the swollen carcasses. We were torn between the desire to stop and see the First Lady and the desire to survive. Life is full of hard choices.

As if reading our minds, a male voice announced over the loudspeaker that the driver of the FCNMobile had “special dispensation” to disobey the rules. We decided to play along.

A uniformed security guard acted as a valet, swiftly navigating my car into the shade of the hanger. Another guard scanned us with a sci-fi device that looked like it belonged in Mission Impossible, not Texas. A third man conducted an invasive tap down search that was more painful than productive. We didn't have guns, but now, in retrospect, we don't think that he cared.

Mrs. Bush was a charming and very hospitable woman. She fixed a pot of Earl Grey while explaining that her husband was on his way home from the G8 Summit and that she regretted we wouldn't get a chance to meet him. We, in turn, struggled to maintain our end of the conversation. We tried to listen, but it seemed she wanted us to talk. It's a shame we didn't have a tape recorder, so we could relate the conversation back to you all verbatim, but alas and alack! our feeble memory will have to do...

Laura (she insisted we be on a first name basis): So I read on your blog you were coming out to my neck of the woods and I would be remiss if I didn't invite you in for some refreshments.

FCN: That's very kind of you, Laura, we were...wait, you read FCN?

Laura: Ever since Cindy Sheehan stopped jamming our Internet. You guys are some serious losers.

And we can't remember what was said after that, but the conversation lasted about a half-hour.

There are, of course, many more tales from our vacation left to be told. We spent a night on an Indian Reservation, ate at a real Mexican meal in El Peso and had a televised argument in the Texas statehouse – ok, so maybe it wasn't televised. We made a few friends and lost a couple (and by a couple, we mean quite a few, and by quite a few, I mean we would now be hiring bodyguards if they didn't come free). All in all, it was a great vacation, but boy is it good to be back. The next few posts may have some oblique references to the past few week's activity, but generally speaking, FCN is back and back to normal.

We had extensive discussions about the future of FCN, which were lubricated by quarts and quarts of lukewarm sweet tea. We discussed almost every topic conceivable, but about the only thing we could really agree on was that we need to do more of these vacation thingies.

Thanks to all of you who commented on the last post and who took the time to return to FCN today after our absence and Cody's request that you not do so. We were flattered by the high number of comments, which exceeded that of the previous 200 FCN posts put together. We hereby pat ourselves on the back, and promise that we will take your nominations into consideration as we craft our classics collection.

As a post script, our survey results revealed that most of you used the downtime from FCN to get married. Masoltov. Why weren't we invited to the reception?

It's good to be back. Look out, Daily Kos. Here we come.

Thursday, June 07, 2007


Yes, even a passel of derelict students – especially a passel of derelict students – need to take some time off now and then to rewind the clock and unwind. Well, okay. Mabe just unwind. Actually, I never really understood those two idioms. Anyway, the entire FCN staff is taking two weeks of uninterrupted vacation time. Beginning today and continuing until the 25th of June (a Monday, if my little calenderfolio isn't playing another practical joke on me), there will be no new FCN content.

We will be lounging around a pool catching an early Melanoma demise and will be completely unplugged from any kind of computer equipment. Travis has even promised to turn off the microchip in the back of his left eye that uses electrical impulses from his cerebral cortex to aim his first-person shooter weapons. Anyway, you can email us and get our snazzy vacation auto-reply or you can comment and reach us that way, but unless Nancy Pelosi declares her Presidential candidacy or Paris Hilton gets out of prison, we won't come out early to blog.

I know, these will be dark days. Probably darker for us than you, but dark nonetheless. We will think regularly of you, the Faithful FCN Few and will write a few tomes now and again about our adventures – because adventures we will have. We might even post them...after we return.

To help pass the time between now and the 25th, please pick out your favorite post from FCN's history. We'll be doing a Classics special a few weeks after our return and we want to know which posts you liked the most. Simply tell us in the comment section of this post which is your entry is your fav. If you want to dig out the link, we'd be appreciative, but we think we know our own writing well enough to find it with a few descriptive adjectives. Yeah, better provide the link.

(As a small ego aside, try to pick my posts. I haven't talked with the other writers about this - and I'd appreciate it if you didn't pass it along - but it would really help my self esteem to know that you all approve my writing, even if the competition is what it is. I've been having kind of a rough week. If you could just give me a little boost that would really be sweet of you. But I never said that.)

Thanks guys, as always, for reading and commenting on our site. I really don't know why you keep reading; but you do. Your loss.

(As another small aside that I haven't consulted with the other guys on, this short vacation would be a great opportunity to leave FCN behind. If you're having trouble quitting - those DailyKos patches are ineffective and cold turkey left you with the shakes - take the time to quit this time. Flee like you're running from a DEA record narcotics stash and never come back (wait, was that a drug related joke?). Again, this is just between us, but I really feel not returning on the 25th is a wise course of action. Think about, will you?)

See you in a couple weeks!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Straight Chatting with John McCain

I'm afraid we were unable to get a face-to-face interview with Senator McCain, as we were with Senator Clinton and Supreme Despotic Ruler KimJongIl. McCain is a busy man. He's got a presidential campaign to handle. He doesn't have the time to fly to FCN headquarters, and we don't have the money to fly to him. So we arranged a chat conversation over Google Talk. We found the Senator to be gracious, firm, charming, and direct. He found us to be senseless monkeys. Anyway, here's the transcript of the chat (between FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.com and VoteForJohnMcCainForPresidentIn2008@Gmail.com):

FCN: hey

McCain: sup

FCN: we're fcn
we wanted to talk to you about your campaign

McCain: fcn?
doesn that stand for Flippant College Nerds?

FCN: i think your confusing us w someone else
were Funny Class notes

McCain: ohoh nvm then

FCN: so can we talk about the campaign

McCain: sure why not
everyone else seems to want a pece of it

FCN: gr8!

McCain: *piece

FCN: 1st off
what do you think are ur chances of victory

McCain: lol honestly?
im pretty much a shoo in

FCN: why do u say that

McCain: bc i'm bipartisan
i dont offend anyone

FCN: but arent most of the voters partisan

McCain: dont be ridiculous

FCN: no i mean wont they prefer stronger positions

McCain: listen bub
I was a POW in Vietnam before you were even in dipers

FCN: : p

McCain: lol
the point is
don tlet me hear you disrespecting ur elders
and certainly don tlet me
hear you tell me to be partisan
i won't stand for it

FCN: What will you stand for?

McCain: bipartisanship
what do they teach in schools these days
see that's another thing i'm gonna fix
when i get elected
ima fix the education system
make it more bipartisan
go thru the curriculums
and take out all the bigotry and politics
u know
stuff like that
poisoning our kids

FCN: How will you do that?

McCain: r u kidding?
il be the pres
i can do whatever i want

FCN: What about congress

McCain: to bush w congress
a bunch of stupid senators talking their heads off
bores me to death
and to top it off
ther all partisan

FCN: so how did they get elected?

McCain: havent you been paying attention
it's the education system
the voters are groing up full of ideas
thats gotta stop

FCN: many ppl refer to u as the maverick.
why is that

McCain: its bc i'm a washington outsider
i dont play the political games
thats how i managed to orchestrate the judicial nominations compromises
and the bcra

FCN: bcra?

McCain: camp fincance reform
lol u seriously are weak dude
r u new/

FCN: actually the blog has been around since 1821.

McCain: thats nothing
i was a POW during the war of 1812
dirty mexicans

FCN: isnt that the mex-american war

McCain: were u there?

FCN: we blogged it
but nobody read it
bc they didn't have computers

McCain: well listen bub
if i say we were fighting the mexicans
then we sure as bush were fighting mexicans
got it

FCN: sry

McCain: np
just keep it cool k?

FCN: kk

McCain: so where we
oh yes

FCN: bcra

McCain: camp finance reform
so anyway
the point is
im a wash outsider
else i would nvr have been able to pull tht together
a maverick thats what i am

FCN: what woud you say is ur strongest issue?

McCain: well the fact that im rly old for 1 thing
: p

FCN: ... k ... hahaha

McCain: k honestly its prolly terrism
dirty mexicans

FCN: don you mean al queda

McCain: whoa whoa
easy there whippersnaper
u don realize what the mexicans have don to this country
besides blow my leg off

FCN: ur leg looks fine!!

McCain: of course it does
what are you even talking about

FCN: ur leg

McCain: shut up and vote against amnesty k
and deportation obviously

FCN: ur leg looks very lifelike

McCain: we've been making progress on that
technology is graet

FCN: so tell me baout amnesty

McCain: actually i g2g
makeup time

FCN: rgr
k thanks for ur time

McCain: cya

McCain is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when McCain comes online.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

People We Don't Like

FCN was emailed over the weekend by a delightful young lady who couldn't understand how three normally restrained and mild mannered students could be so mean to Cindy Sheehan. She wrote:

Who is Cindy Sheehan, and why don't you like her? (I didn't read the post; I read the title and the caution) Em.
First, Em, you gotta read the post. Sometimes the caution is a completely misleading doozy; counting on our sense of appropriateness and the warnings that make the beginning of posts is tantamount to relying on the Democrats for a tax cut. So read the post – warnings and all – and then write the hate mail.

Actually, because we are so desperate for any correspondence whatever, go ahead and email without reading the post (or any post for that matter). Just email away and we'll do our best to cut you down for it.

To answer the meat of your question, Emily, we need to explore this concept of people FCN doesn't like. Cindy Sheehan is one of many people who, while a God-made creature worthy of humane respect, we like about as much as an over-stuffed, cantankerous, smelly person who smells bad. With only a few exceptions, it's not that they're bad people, Emily, just that we don't like them.

And because this is our blog, we get to make fun of them,draw other's attention to their faults, and make stuff up about them that isn't true.

We don't like Cindy Sheehan because she abandoned an important movement and walked away before victory was achieved. She didn't fight the good fight. She dropped the flag. She's a sore loser, and the sad thing is, she didn't even have to lose. She left without saying goodbye, and we don't like that.

Sheehan is actually one of many people who can claim the dubious honor of being disliked by us. Unfortunately, measuring our tastes is a little like counting Lindsey Lohan's freckles – they keep changing – so we can't give you an exhaustive black list. We can, however, provide a brief snapshot of those names that are, currently, in the doghouse:

Al Sharpton – Because he's grating and because his hair is horrendous. Take the dead beaver back to the pet shop, Mr. Sharpton!

Markos Moulitsas Zúniga – Because he runs Daily Kos, which is stealing all our traffic and delaying FCN's internet supremacy by tens of millions of years.

Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu – Because he's mean, and he has really cool facial hair that makes us look bad.

Dillary Clinton – Because she pretends to be Nancy and because she's mean to us.

Michael Savage – Because he's scary and he doesn't like Nancy.

Hugo Chavez – Because some of us don't watch TV.

Mr. Winther – Because he didn't take our advice. He even got his daughter to do his dirty work for him. Humph.

Mitt Romney
– Because we're jealous of his Presidential looks and we just don't trust him.

Katie Holmes – Because she stole this handsome stud.

Russ Solomon – Because he lied to us.

Dr Bashar al-Assad - Because he always looks as if he just swallowed a rat. Freaky. Wait, does anyone like him?

A. A. Milne - Because he created a monster ten times freakier than frankenstein.

Bill Gates - Because he's rich, and we don't like rich people. Also, he corrupted our screens for five long years. He's been working his employees to the bone for much longer.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Congratulations! You Won The Beauty Contest!

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the 2007 Beauty Contest Champion! Not you, young lady. Those pink digits will lose their velvety softness if you smack them into each other like the ruffians down there. Simply tap them together like chopsticks; pay no mind to the noise – or lack thereof; it’s the image that counts.

This young lady has just won the beauty contest! That means that she has delayed the natural biological process of aging and protected her God-given features better and more completely than any of the other contestants. Her face is only a little more textured than the day she was born. With strong SPF sunscreen and a little luck, she’ll stay smooth for a few more decades.

Give it up for the girl who has deferred entropy, halted decay and generally preserved perfection!

I can't hear you! Yeah, that's better.

This young woman was gifted with these stunning looks from the beginning and she’s done everything in her power to maintain them. Today, we recognize that sacrifice.

Hoist that trophy high! Or, because your arms are about as strong as a couple of rotten toothpicks, ask boyfriend to hoist it for you. Better yet, having large, heavy objects above your flawless visage is inadvisable because gravity has a way of causing hideous scares. We’ll just snap the photograph with the award on the table.

And we’ll need to have a conversation with boyfriend. Can’t have you two making any mistakes that would irreversibly alter your appearance, if you know what I mean.

Go now, and celebrate your victory with cake and streamers. Or, on second thought, better not touch the cake whose simple sugars and heavy fats would probably ride your slow metabolism right to your hips. Instead, try some more of that fat free yogurt; it’s a thinning substitute. And better dispense with the streamers too. Those can malfunction and cause nasty, career ending, flesh wounds.

On consideration, it’s probably best you avoid all sharp objects. A single two-second accident can reverse a lifetime of herbal treatments. Let others do the chopping, cutting, hauling and stacking; you can sit back and look beautiful.

Speaking of which, that gorgeous crown atop your head had better come down. Not only is it a gravity hazard, it threatens to tousle your carefully formed locks and ruin an otherwise impeccable hairstyle.

But go; enjoy your victory; you’ve earned it!

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Google loves us!

Keep your eyes peeled at the top of your Gmail inboxes. You never know who might pop up.

Friday, June 01, 2007

10 Fun Things To Do This Weekend

Have a spare moment during the next few days and void of any cool ideas? Have a hot date but nothing do do? Try these...

1. Make a threatening video.

2. Slip Emergen-C into Lindsay Lohan's snuff box.

3. Globe trot with a highly contagious strain of Tuberculosis.

4. Crash Cindy Sheehan's going away party.

5. Boo a Mexican.

6. Hug a Ginsburg.

7. Take a virtual stroll down Broadway.

8. Catch the game on Hugo Chavez's big screen.

9. Make fun of “Stray-Rod.”

10. Buy some spicy eye wash.

Pop Quiz #2

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls please clear your desk of all notebooks, texts and digital assistants and prepare yourselves for an FCN Pop Quiz.

That includes you, Smurph; no fair clicking on the hyperlinks until after you’ve answered. Simply select the best solution you can and look at the bottom of the post for the answers.

1. Which is of greater financial value?

a) The Iraq War funding bill President Bush signed last week.
b) The annual revenue of Hewlett-Packard
c) The Official Purchasing Power Parity of North Korea

d) The Federal Aviation Administration’s budget for Fiscal Year 2005

2. Which has caused more direct deaths?

a) The Iraq War
b) The 9/11 terror attacks
c) Swimming pools in 2003
d) The V-22 Osprey over its entire career

3. Who has more formal education?

a) President George W. Bush
b) Late ABC anchor Peter Jennings
c) Documentary Film Director Michael Moore
d) American Idol critic Simon Cowell.

4. Which political party misses (is absent from) more House floor votes?

a) Democrat
b) Republican
c) Independent
d) Green

5. Who is James E. Clyburn?

a) Democrat representative from an overwhelmingly Republican district
b) A professional tap dancer
c) The father of two teenage sons
d) Majority Whip
e) All of the above.

Ok, have you finished? No fair peeking unless you're done...

If you answered "A" to questions 1-4 and "D" to question 5, you aced the test. Go treat yourself to a have a low fat, sugar free double latte with whipped cream. Better yet, hold the cream and add some caramel syrup. Or do both the cream and the syrup; you've earned it!

If you answered something other than the key listed above on one question, you did decently. 80% will get you through secondary education. You probably should wait until you ace one of these before visiting Starbucks.

If you missed 2-4 questions, you are either without an internet connection, been up all night for the past two nights, under experimental observation or a professional entertainer. Don't touch any caffeine.

If you missed all the questions, maybe you should try cheating next time.