What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

25 Ways Not to Ruin Christmas

Christmas can be a finicky thing. Here, we detail 25 ways to get through it. Because no one wants a horrible Christmas.

1) Respect the expiration date on the egg nog.
2) One Christmas play is enough.
3) Never leave figgy pudding unattended.
4) Your car should be bigger than your Christmas tree.
5) Make sure the turkey is dead before you cook it.
6) Do not use ornaments that require the use of actual fire.
7) Carol at hospitals, not dark alleys.
8) Shopping should be done in November.
9) Always keep a fire extinguisher handy.
10) Never spend more than $20 on someone not immediately related to you.
11) Not all shopping mall Santas are created equal.
12) The presents will still be there when you're done sleeping in.
13) If you blow a fuse when you click on your lights, change something before turning them on again.
14) Comments about use of the word "gay" in old Christmas songs stopped being funny long ago.
15) Actually make a physical list of names, and check them off when you've sent a gift.
16) Have Christmas dinner at someone else's house and leave ("to feed the homeless") when it's time to clean up.
17) No matter how much you love a certain Christmas song, at some point, enough is enough.
18) Shop for extended family at Wal-Mart.
19) If you must neglect someone, don't let it be your girl or her mother.
20) Remember kids: Christmas is fun, but safety is funner.
21) Grab some Taco Bell just before eating so you're not hungry enough to make some terrible mistakes.
22) Save the important announcements (like "We're engaged!" and "I'm pregnant!") for next week.
23) Double check that you don't mix up who's gift is who's.
24) Pets and Christmas do not mix.
25) Nobody likes your rendition of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire."