New Year's Resolution: n. A decision to act in a certain manner for the first few weeks of January.
We know, resolutions are rarely fulfilled. Life, girlfriends, food and, in rare instances, school get in the way and we normally end up just as bad to end the year as we began it. Still, there is something quaintly romantic about cozying up to the computer screen and reading another person's heartfelt wish for the coming year. So, in the spirit of ze Frank, here are FCN's 2007 New Year's Resolutions:
We promise not to look down on those who play pogostick.
We promise to remember that burning yarn is a better pastime than throwing cats in the dog kennel.
We promise not to throw cats in the dog kennel.
We promise not to offend people just for fun.
We promise not to let our impression of other people’s impression of who we are stop us from becoming what we know other people think we are not.
We promise to stop picking at the stickers on our laptop keyboards.
We promise not to put in our contact lenses after eating spicy things with our hands.
We promise to take our mom's word for it.
We promise to never again go out without wearing all our undergarments.
All of them.
We promise to stop answering spam e-mail.
We promise not to judge our personal value based on FCN's traffic statistics.
We promise to clear a space on the floor so we can actually roll on the floor laughing.
We promise to stop poking fun at Nancy Pelosi.
Even if she is wierder than Michael Jackson.
We promise to stop pulling cheap stunts like the above.
We promise to stop wearing our undershirts inside out.
We promise to stop bringing pillows to class.
We promise to stop pretending to be hitch hikers in crowded cities.
We promise to clean the bathroom.
We promise to treat telemarketers like people, too.
We promise to stop playing with our pens.
If we must play with our pens, we promise not to do so in class.
If we must play with our pens in class, we promise not to make wooshing sounds as we fly them through the air.
If we must make wooshing sounds as we fly our pens through the air in class, we promise not to sit in the front row.
We promise to stop writing fan mail to Tom Cruise.
We promise to throw away the socks with holes.
We promise to be genuine with the mail man.
We promise not to make fools of ourselves in public just to get a good campfire story.
This includes hiding from security cameras in the line at the grocery store.
We promise not to huddle with Nancy Pelosi for warmth.
We promise not to come up with excuses, justifications, reasons, philosophies, moral codes, or loopholes so we can get out of our resolutions.
We promise never to lie to our readers again.