What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

How to Argue like a Liberal

Now that the Obama Administration has really proven that it can get great things done (like making you pay for everyone else's health care), there's no disputing the fact that liberals are better at debating that conservatives. Why? Because conservatives have clunky agendas that don't advertise what the listener wants to hear. Liberal messages are built on emotion, not fact; this makes them vastly superior because they can be presented in a slick and powerful way that appeals to everyone and makes conservatives look evil.

There's no reason you can't harness the power of liberal argumentation in your own life. Whether you're arguing over politics or whose toast is in the toaster, the playbook of America's leaders will get you straight to the top in no time.

1. "You're ignorant." The tried and true work horse of liberal argumentation; this strikes right to the heart of the matter by focusing on the fundamental reason you and the conservative disagree: ignorance. If your opponent weren't so poorly informed he'd obviously be a liberal. And why argue with someone who's blindly defending an ignorant position? Explain to your opponent that he is arguing from a position of ignorance and that all his ideas and worldviews should be promptly replaced with your informed ones.

2. "You're dividing the nation." If not for your opponent, there wouldn't have to be an argument. But because of his insistence on defending his dumb position, the whole ideological fabric of society is being torn asunder. You'll never be able to achieve true unity until your divisive opponent lets this issue drop, for the good of everyone.

3. "I have a plan." Made popular by John Kerry's 2004 Presidential Campaign (which should have won if not for John Edwards who is not really a liberal or he wouldn't be so embarrassing), this tactic presents a quick solution to all the problems in the current situation. You have a plan, therefore, if you're given power you'll be able to solve everything. That's simple logic. But apparently not simple enough for conservatives.

4. "Hope!" Made popular by Barack Obama's 2008 Presidential Campaign (which won in spite of Joe Biden, who was made stupid when he mistakenly drank from the Republican water cooler a few years back), this presents a less tangible but even more effective answer for problems. When your opponent says anything negative - anything at all - accuse him of being a harbinger of fear, conflict, and discord. Encourage him to embrace hope.
5. "This plan is not socialist." If you argue long enough, you'll eventually be called something unpleasant, like a socialist. While a conservative may want to get into pesky details like history and point of fact, you should focus on what really matters: your reputation. Immediately and vehemently protest. You don't have to explain why, in fact you can even say things like: "Just because I want to spread the wealth around doesn't mean I'm a socialist!" Never admit to a title that's anything but positive.

6. "Enough politics." Remember, you're bringing a message of hope and truth. Your opponent is engaging in politics as usual. Anything he says that can't be easily countered by the other tips can be dismissed by accusing your opponent of using the tired tactics that got everyone into this mess in the first place. You're rising above. You're not part of the system, and you're not gonna let your opponent drag you down.

And there you have it! The top 6 ways to argue like a liberal. The playbook is simple, but make no mistake: mastery will take years of practice, and maybe a few overdoses of organic cereal. Stick with it, and in time you can be a debater in the tradition of the greats.


DTH Rocket said...

You are RIGHT on. I've noticed this about liberals.

AdamKauk said...

#1 is so true

Anonymous said...

You people are just ignorant conservatives.

Antoine said...

RIGHT ON! LOL! Funny Status Updates