"I'll just work it off tonight"

I just left a particular well known sandwich franchise that serves all manner of bread and meat combinations in "submarine" style sandwiches. I am reticent to name the franchise because to do so might constitute libel and render FCN vulnerable to a lawsuit that could result in the loss of all of its meager resources to the ensuing litigation. I will, however, tell you that the restaurant has over 30,000 locations in some 87 countries and was named the #1 Franchise in 2009 by a really fat fast food connoisseur. I'll also tell you that the company has ads featuring "Jared" who dropped a bunch of weight by "eating fresh." Oh, what the heck, you have it figured out by now. It's Subway. So go ahead and sue us Fred DeLuca. I read about your innovative business strategy in my economics class, but Fortune 400 members don't scare me. Well, most of them don't. These two guys (here and here) look a tad scary. But Fred, go ahead and try to take us down!
So there I was - at Subway - about to order the least healthy thing on the menu. Subway puts unhealthy things on the menu so that we guys can go there for lunch, scarf down a thousand or so quick calories and show our moms the partially redacted receipt so they will be proud of our health-conscious decision. Meanwhile our moms don't understand when we try to make health-conscious decisions at In-N-Out.

But whatever. This post is about neither our moms nor Fred DeLuca. It's about two middle aged women who entered the subway after me looking disheveled - as if they just returned from promenade. There is no polite way of saying this. These women were overweight. They were fat. They looked like contestants in the first week of "Biggest Loser." Okay, maybe the third week. They were corpulent, fleshy, obese, overblown, procine, portly and stout. They suffered from gut overflow, they overstocked the adipose tissue, they were ready for winter, they were running a surplus, they were a nightmare in a 2-piece, they were oleaginous and unctuous in the storage area. And I do mean that with all respect, because there is no nice way of saying it. None at all.

We'll call them Rosalie and Carol, for no particular reason.

Rosalie told Carol that she had eaten a burrito and a donut (or is it a doughnut?) for breakfast and that she wasn't that hungry. Carol confied in Rosalie that she had eaten a box of oreo cookies and a whole box of taquitos for breakfast and that she didn't have a big appetite either. I had eaten a burrito, donut, and a box of taquitos that day, but I didn't say anything.

Both entered the store complaining about the walk across the parking lot, a complaint I found dumbfounding given the gorgeous day outside. In fact, I was planning on eating my sandwich outdoors in order to take advantage of the sunlight and catch some unprotected ultraviolet rays. I know, I live dangerously.

When Rosalie and Carol ordered my distracted interest turned into focused attentiveness. They both commanded footlong sandwiches with everything. And they sat down in the store to eat their caloric feast. Carol told Rosalie that she would "just work it off tonight" a promise that rang hollow.

It rang hollow because she didn't like walking across a parking lot on a gorgeous day. It rang hollow because she couldn't possibly work off all the food she'd eaten that day unless the "work" was done by a licensed plastic surgeon. It rang hollow because health is a lifestyle and habit - it isn't a twenty minute decision before dinner. Dang, that was painful to type.

Anyway, in case you think we're picking on those who lack self control just for the heck of it, know that the only thing separating us from Rosalie and Carol is a few years. We'll get there eventually...and when we do, we'll be ready to confess.

That reminds me...

The following is a transcript of the first seven minutes of my upper-division economic theory and research course taught by Professor Dennis O. Doherty (above), a faculty member who has been at the university 35 years. His knowledge about the topic and acumen to discuss economics are unquestioned. His brevity and succinctness are not.

DENNIS O. DOHERTY: I love teaching in this room. The first time I taught a course in this room was in the fall semester of '84. They had just built this building five or so years before after a substantial struggle with the administration to secure funds. The former Department Chair -- actually the chair before him; the one two chairs ago -- felt we should direct our money toward sports -- football specifically. He was a big fan. He thought it would help recruiting. Ironically, after this classroom building was constructed the school did away with the football program, making this the only Division 1A NCAA institution to get rid of a football program in the last century. A real shame, if you ask me.

[DOHERTY PAUSES AND LOOKS AT THE WALL FOR A SECOND, COLLECTING HIS THOUGHTS.]

DENNIS O. DOHERTY: Actually, it would have been the spring of 1984. I remember because they were putting in the East lawn. Looking out this window, it used to be a mess of shrubbery that the science students would burn back with freshly mixed experimental weed killer. It was all very impromptu. The brass opted for aesthetics over academics and installed the sod. Their work was a major interruption. Every class period, it seemed, we'd be bothered by the sound of their travails. I like that word, travails, did you know it's borrowed from the French? Sometimes I think we ought to return it.

[PAUSE]

DENNIS O. DOHERTY: I had cold cereal for breakfast this morning. For years I had a regular breakfast of two eggs and toast. It was the perfect combination, I thought, of carbs and protein and it stuck with me pretty well. I never had any pre-lunch collapse. But my doctor is worried about my dietary cholesterol. Any biology students here? No? Well, the cholesterol you consume in your diet isn't nearly as bad for you as the saturated fat you put in your system. In fact, you can eat a lot of cholesterol and not have a problem as long as the saturated fat is kept to a minimum. But for some reason my doctor is worried about the cholesterol. He wants to put me on a statin drug -- some kind of HMG-CoA reductase inhibitor -- to reduce my risk of heart disease. But I'm concerned about the liver damage. My dad was an alcoholic and died of liver poisoning. Or whatever it's called.

[ANOTHER PAUSE]

DENNIS O. DOHERTY: Take care of your diet. Take care of your health. Life advice...
[ANOTHER PAUSE]

DENNIS O. DOHERTY: Oddly enough, they would use a drywall knife to cut the sod and they had to be careful how they placed it because the irrigation system was pre-installed. This was in the early days of low-evaporation sprinklers, when environmental consciousness was just starting to emerge as a dominant consideration. Nowadays it isn't nearly as much of an operation, but back then it was perceived as very innovative. A drywall knife. How many of you guys have seen a drywall knife? It looks like an oversized putty knife with blades that are almost too dull to justify the name "knife." I wonder why they never developed a tool explicitely for cutting sod. I have a buddy who works in the landscaping business -- he actually does design for upscale and bids out installation projects to subcontractors -- I ought to give him a call and ask about that. He's got a couple of kids, wonder how they're doing...

[PAUSE AS A STUDENT ENTERS AND SHEEPISHLY TAKES A SEAT BY THE DOOR]

DENNIS O. DOHERTY: Miss, you are late. You are fortunate I am so lenient on tardy students. When I was a graduate student at the University of Utah -- that's where all the backslidden Mormons go -- I was tardy for the first day of my statistics methods class. I didn't miss a day all semester and was never again late, but he really drilled me for it in his seminar review. Eugene Billington. That was his name. He specialized in regression analysis of demographics -- a field which is really quite large now, but was just emerging in the 70s. He gave me an A- in his class. I don't think I've ever worked so hard for an A-. I mean, I had classes at the undergraduate level that I just surfed through -- never did the readings, missed class, glossed over the homework -- but not in Billington's statistics methods course. He would grill you for that.

DENNIS O. DOHERTY: So, here's the syllabus...

Life Tip #84

Don't take away your girlfriend's beer.

If you must take away your girlfriend's beer, make sure your girlfriend is not Angela Amodio.

A Swingin' Mood

Lately, my moods have been changing more often than a neat-freak's bedsheets. They've been like a ship without an anchor, tossed about on the waves of circumstance. This past week in particular has been a roller coaster ride.

---

With gas prices once again climbing past the 2 dollar mark here in happy NorCal, I was hoping that my transportation's mechanical troubles were over. But as I drove towards school one day this week, I knew that it was not to be. Pulling out of my driveway, I pressed the gas pedal, began accelerating to 55, and realized that my transmission was not shifting.

Instantly, my mood changed. From looking forward to a half hour of listening to country hits and pushing my car to its limits, I was thrown into the deepest doldrums of dollar deduction. I began mentally ticking off the greenbacks. Visions of $500, $1000, and then $1500 repairs began marching through my mind.

Sadly, I turned my car back toward home. I would just have to miss school today; hopefully the prof would understand, but I doubted it.

When I walked through the door, I was greeted with a big smile from my mom. "Class got out early? Wonderful! You can clean your room today."

Still wallowing in a slough of self-pity, I slowly dragged my feet down the hallway to my bedroom. There's a reason we don't allow guests back there. I was accustomed, comfortable even, with the sight that greeted me, but it only served to further my depression. Books and papers were piled high on a desk and dressers, clothes were scattered across the floor and bed, candy wrappers leftover from last year's Valentine's day lay heaped in one corner, and cobwebs hung from every cranny of the ceiling.

I sat down on my bed, instantly exhausted by the sight. For a good 10 minutes, all I could do was look around and stare at the mess. Finally, some resolve began to form in my little finger, and I slowly moved my hand to pick up a t-shirt that lay on the floor. I folded it and set it next to me. I repeated these actions until all the clothes had been folded and then put them away in my dresser. Turning around, I noticed something shiny lying just under my bed. I stooped down and picked it up.

Instantly, I became elated. It was my John Williams' Greatest Hits CD! I thought we had lost it in our last move, but here it was, in all of its shiny wonderfulness. Freshly energized with renewed energy, I popped the disc in my stereo and set about sorting the papers that lay scattered around.

As the glorious notes of Schindler's List and Home Alone soared through the air and reverberated against my ear drums, I mechanically shuffled the various documents...trash, school stuff, trash, bank statement, school, trash, paystub, trash, trash...wait, what's this? My hand closed around an envelope that I'd never opened. The return address said "California DMV." Uh-oh.

I quickly tore it open and began scanning the pages. "Registration overdue. Must pay $300.00 by February 2, 2009." Oh dear, that was yesterday! "Or car will be seized and impounded." OH NO! Even though my car wasn't operating properly, it was still my only means of transportation. Losing it meant being grounded 40 miles from the nearest major city. Frantic, I ran outside, only to see a tow truck leaving our driveway, my car trundling along behind it.

The notes of John Williams' music forgotten, I dejectedly sat down on our front step and cried. How could my day have gone so horribly wrong? I decided I was in need of a nap, but as I got up and turned my feet toward the front door, I remembered the mess that awaited me in my room. Granted, it wasn't as bad as before, but it was hardly conducive to rest.

Emotionally and physically drained, I decided to sleep on our trampoline. And that's what I did. Until my younger brothers came and started bouncing, ruthlessly returning me to reality.

Alien Monday

So, we're ready(er) for a zombie apocalypse. Bring on the future!

Not so fast, Kemosabe. Zombies aren't the only potentially-world-ending threat facing the uncertain days ahead. If you intend to keep yourself and your family safe, you'd better have surveyed a host of different threats. FCN will help you.

Today: a hostile invasion from extra-terrestrial sentient life forms.

Unfortunately, we know much less about aliens than we do about zombies. Don't get me wrong: humans have been rubbing shoulders with aliens for thousands of years (though, for very complicated reasons, that's a closely guarded secret). But those aliens aren't hostile and don't pose a serious threat to humanity. Neither do hostile aliens at our technological level.

The serious threat is a hostile alien force with vastly superior technology, and, as you can probably tell, we have never encountered that yet. We can therefore only count on logic to help us formulate an attack. Let's start with what we know for certain, based on the fact that if any of these facts are untrue the Alien Survival Plan does not need to be put into effect.

1) The aliens can travel through space at reasonable speed.
2) The aliens can find this planet because they have technology that makes them able to detect something they want on the planet.
3) The aliens have weapons capable of making human extinction a real possibility.
4) The aliens have no serious weaknesses, such as vulnerability to germs or water.
5) The aliens want something on this planet and are about to kill us to get it.

There are three possible things the aliens might want from Earth. In no particular order, they are: minerals, water, or humans.

MINER ALIENS

An attack from miner aliens would involve a sudden, coordinated attack on resource-rich areas across the planet. Our foes would either use close-up drilling techniques to bore down into the earth and suck the minerals out or pull the minerals out from space.

If they are using drilling: first, try to ascertain as quickly as possible what mineral(s) the aliens are going for. Everyone else will be trying to do this too; any radio or TV station should be able to give you the best accepted current theory. As soon as you know the target, get as far away from it as possible as quickly as possible. Don't go home; don't stop at Wal-mart for supplies. Get in a car, bike, plane, whatever, and boogie. The safest place to go in a drilling miner alien attack is an old strip mine; it's almost guaranteed to be dry of minerals and the bowl-shape will provide a little shelter from the elements.

Do not try to fight the aliens, as this might cause hostile action directly against humankind. Instead, bunker down where you know it's safe and wait. Space travel physics indicate to us that the alien ships will probably be massive - probably several hundred miles across at least. You will be able to see them clearly in the sky. When you no longer see them, you know it's safe to go home.

If the aliens prefer long range planet draining, your chances are much lower. Most planet drain techniques involve tearing a planet apart and processing each of the pieces in the ship. If this happens, there is really nothing you can do to save yourself. If the methods used are more sophisticated and the mineral in question is simply levitated out of the earth, all you need to do is get to a safe spot as described earlier and wait it out.

THIRSTY ALIENS

Aliens seeking our water pose another serious threat. Water is Earth's most precious resource and the basis of life as we know it. It's very likely that imperially-minded colonizing aliens would seek out watery planets like ours and suck them dry to hydrate their terraforming projects in other areas.

This would involve the creation of a small number of water teleportation vacuums in our major oceans: probably at least one in the Pacific and Atlantic; probably a third in the southern Indian ocean. These vacuums would suck up trillions of gallons in a single day from pipes that pulled water from the bottom of the ocean (just like a straw: you don't suck your soda from the top do you? No. You put the straw down at the bottom of the cup, just like space aliens).

While you will probably be in no immediate danger when the water sucking begins, you will still be in very grave danger. Without water, Earth will die within a matter of weeks at the most. You cannot afford to sit idly by and let the planet be sucked dry. There are only two possible solutions. Neither of them can be performed by you (unless you're a very powerful person, in which case: hello!); they require massive international cooperation and resource expenditure. But you need to know about them so you can adapt.

1) Military action. In anticipation of stellar (pun intended) defensive measures, the whole of humankind's nuclear payload will be launched at the orbiting alien fleet. Any shields or countermeasures the aliens have will hopefully be overwhelmed by the sheer number of incoming threats. In addition, the aliens will probably not have a serious military presence of their own; expecting minimal resistance, they should have just a token escort and should be only marginally capable of immediately retaliating. If we prove annoying enough, the aliens will leave us alone. If not, they'll send a battleship to kill us all, in which case see the "Killer Aliens" section.

2) Deceit. Because the aliens will not stop until they have sucked the planet dry, we must trick them into thinking they have succeeded when in fact they have not yet. Start by plugging the ends of the ocean-floor pipes. This will suggest that there is no more water to be drawn. If the aliens clear the pipes and proceed, start feeding strange things into the pipes such as oxygen, diet Pepsi, and beanie babies. Eventually whoever is up in the ship watching the monitor will get the message and power down the vacuums. This is really a gamble but if it works, the aliens will leave our planet in peace for a long time, if not forever.

PS. Depending on how the vacuums function, it may be possible to merge these two strategies by sending armed nuclear warheads up the pipe. Devious ...

KILLER ALIENS

The worst kind! These aliens aren't here for our planet, they're here for us. Contrary to what much of science fiction suggests, our bodies are unlikely to be useful sources of food or energy compared to other terrestrial creatures. We probably won't be as smart as the aliens will, and to them, we'll be hideously ugly.

They'll want us for two things: slavery or the satisfaction of a kill.

Slaver Aliens will try to take people alive, probably by landing in major metropolitan areas, cordoning off an area (perhaps with the use of some sort of energy barrier impassible to us), then processing everyone inside. If we're really unlucky, they'll have a way to detect and abduct us from up in space, in which case our only hope will be prompt military action as described above.

If you are abducted by aliens, do not panic. Keep all your senses open and try to understand how the aliens think and communicate. The aliens don't think the way we do. They won't know you very well and may overlook something very serious about keeping you contained (such as locking the door). If you're patient and keep your head on your shoulders, there's a fine chance you'll be able to escape and return to Earth.

If you're forced to fight the aliens, try to stab them in the eyes if they have any. You have no idea what other parts of the body may be vulnerable. If the aliens communicate through telepathy, you may be able to kill them by overloading their minds with images of themselves dropping dead. This is risky, however, as the aliens will have been able to practice telepathy all their lives (and who knows how long that is), whereas you will only just have gotten started. Eye poking is safer.

Blood Lust Aliens are absolutely by far the worst possible kind of aliens ever. They will come only for the sport of killing us or to satisfy a genocidal passion. They will probably not stop until they are convinced all of us are dead. Again, direct military action is an appropriate response, but considering that these aliens will have come ready for war, the odds of a successful nuclear strike are lower in this scenario than in any other.

No matter what kind of Killer Aliens are attacking, it is imperative that you get away from other humans immediately. Evacuate cities no matter the size - make for the hills and then get off the road, lead your car behind, and hoof it. Try to ascertain what the aliens are using to find you.

If it's smell, find a place you can lie in water and breathe through a straw or reed. If you can find a creek with an abundance of fish (and you like sushi), you may not have to surface for weeks at a time. This will be tricky and require great patience and training, but hey - it's better than getting vaporized!

If the aliens find you by sight, hide from the sky. Caves are your best bet. If you cant find one, dig yourself a dugout and hide inside. Never ever come out in the day or when the moon is bright, or if you see bright/moving lights in the sky.

If by telepathic signature, visualize yourself as a rock, incapable of thought. Hold that image until the aliens leave.

If by sound, keep your breathing shallow. Lie flat on the ground and do not move until the aliens go away (you should be able to watch the proceedings in the sky quite clearly). Be sure to turn off your cell phone. Not vibrate - off. And no iPods!

Whatever you do, don't get near other people. Every additional person in your party exponentially increases your chances of being caught. Stay alone to stay alive. You can rekindle those old friendships when you've all come through the invasion safe and sound.

One more word of advice, and this covers all three kinds of alien invasions: whatever you do, be quick about it. You're dealing with enemies that can zip across light years in the blink of an eye. They're not going to sit around waiting for you to back up your hard drive and grab your sweater. As soon as you ascertain what kind of aliens are attacking, kick into survival mode and head for the hills.

There is, of course, one final kind of alien we didn't mention: space zombies (like head crabs or the Flood). If you're attacked by that kind, well ... you know what to do.