EPA Bans Water

In a recent ruling underlining the Obama administration's determination to stamp out rampant environmental devastation, the EPA ruled to ban water near cities, suburban areas, and within three hundred feet of schools.

"After classifying CO2 as a pollutant, we knew we were ready to go all the way with this thing," said EPA administrator Lisa P. Jackson. "It's time to take a stand against pollution, no matter how widespread it is."

Jackson pointed to numerous red flags suggested a ban, including water's dubious legacy as a chemical used by farmers to promote plant growth and the high concentrations found in acid rain. "If we're willing to ban a bunch of trace gases causing global warming, we may as well hit the problem where it really hurts."

The human body produces approximately 2.3 pounds of CO2 per day, but that's nothing compared to the rampancy of water. "It was the devastation of Hurricane Katrina that really pushed me over the edge," Jackson added. The EPA will submit reccomentations to Congress within the next few weeks on ways to reduce water emissions by evil industrial corporations.

Water has become so widespread in recent years due to reckless human behavior that it now covers 71% of the earth's surface and looms in ominous clouds over most of the planet. Agency officials unanimously agreed that the only way to put an end to the vicious water cycle (evapotranspiration, precipitation, and runoff) was to "nip this thing in the bud."

Said Jackson: "Think of the children." The coming weeks will show us just exactly what that means.