What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Friday, March 21, 2008

FCN is looking to hire a web designer

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are getting ready to make like a Hollywood chauvinist and kick Uncle Wally to the curb. We are prepared to pull up our proverbial USB cables and LAN lines and settle in elsewhere. This is a major step for us laze prone derelicts, but one we have determined is necessary. Our style conscious moms, fed up at last with the site's drab formatting and unimaginative organization have pressed us to get the thing redesigned. And, like a pansy in a Taco Bell ad, we are ready to succumb to their remonstrations.

Uncle Wally did a great job and will continue to work for FCN to keep the comments running and the hit counter accurate, but we are looking for some improved HTML programming (see? Even FCN can use four-letter acronyms) . Uncle Wally was born before the internet age and his concept of design is as antiquated as the U of Michigan T-shirt he wears on the weekends. He is a great guy with an excellent personality, but something went wrong with his color pallet shortly after birth. Just between us, we don't think he was breastfed.

Here at FCN, we pride ourselves on being cheap. A trip to the movies on discount matinée often turns into a train of "also saws," until the midnight premier when the ticket checker goes on a bathroom break (hehe). We always get samples at Cold Stone before ordering the smallest size and we go to Costco hungry for a reason. Even on holiday, buying the clam chowder on Fisherman's Warf is a big waste of money when they give away so many tiny "tastes" of the stuff. I can't even remember the last time I laundered this pair of socks - or is that too much information?

I am getting the TMI signal from the booth. So I'll stop.

Anyway, FCN is ready to pay cold hard Federal Reserve Notes (or, as Ron Paul calls them, debt certificates) in exchange for assistance redesigning the page. How many luscious greenbacks and the amount of work required to earn them are all up for negotiation. Thus, we fade to the blue "infomercial end" screen and put up the relevant contact information:

Email us at FunnyClassNotes - at - gmail - dot - com and give us your pitch.

What sites have your designed? What kind of starvation wages are you willing to draw for your labor? How many cyber acronyms can you rattle off in a minute? Can you lock one contributor out while giving the password to the other two? Would you do so for a little extra cash? Do you know how to hack the Daily Kos? Who is hotter, Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" or Maureen O'Hara in "Frontier Gal?"

The answer to these questions, no matter how irrelevant they seem, will determine your compatibility with FCN.

As far as the changes we have in mind, they are largely up to the developer. Do you want to see zebra stripes on the main page or slap Nancy Pelosi's mug on the title bar? Be our guest. Do you want to make the comment hyperlink move away from the mouse when readers from certain IP addresses try to comment? Give it a shot. Do you want to make our color scheme pink and put Amy Winehouse music on in the background after the page loads? We will still pay you. As long as the changes look expensive and give FCN a veneer of quality, we will be happy.

What are you waiting for? Send us an email!


big mo said...

ok, seeing the kinds of things the applicants are going to be writing about, i want to see these application emails.

can i beg you to post any that are remotely interesting?

provided you receive some of course.

Anonymous said...

will this include benefits? vacation time? maternity leave? social securtiy? spousal/sigificant other benefits?

will you pay for educational enrichment seminars? (there's one in Hawaii i have been eying)

this is important information to aid in my decision to apply for the position as your web designer....trust me, you really want ME as your man.

200 said...

"trust me, you really want ME as your man." Your man? And you want maternity leave?

hmm...FCN, this guy just might be the one.

Anonymous said...

well...if you want me to work at slave wages there must be other perks. 200, for sure, i ain't no lady.

200 said...

Ok, anonymous...as long as you're sure. I believe you. :-)

guitarbob said...

sadly...i actually found myself tempted to do this...wow, thats sad.