It's hard to believe we haven't published on this auspicious site in almost two months. I can't remember the last time I was this far away from FCN - maybe when the site was hijacked or perhaps when I got that nasty bubbly thing on my index finger that oozed puss and was generally unfriendly to my friends. It was actually right by the webbing on my right hand such that when I reached for the "H" from the "J" key, I felt a slashing pain - like a paper cut with lemon juice in it. Only when I...what is that? I am getting the TMI signal from the booth. I'll reign it in.
So we're back. The beach was good, the tan is dark and we're ready to switch out of these aloha shirts into our Belichick hoodies. But the FCN you see before you now is not the same FCN that left you suddenly and inauspicously a few weeks ago. Yes, faithful few, we have changed. Two writers of fancy prose have been added to our ranks. I like that word, fancy; it's the kind of thing a redneck might say about his foodservice. The word fancy is also apropos because our two new writers are...wait for it...female.
A sudden wave of energy washed over the FCN reader like the heated recoil of a beretta. The reader shook his head, denying what he had just read and willing the words on the page to change. "May it not be so!" he muttered out loud, gripping his mouse with a ferocity usually reserved to the physically fit. The mouse strained against the filthy mousepad, making a creaking sound like the floor in front of the bathroom. "May it not be so! FCN is a male haven, a glimpse into a man's psyche and a college student's thoughts. Wait...is this what mysogyny feels like?" the reader thought.
To break into your reverie of self doubt and shock and maybe ease the pain of knowing that there are more X chromosomes than Y chromosomes on the writing staff and this haven of masculine dominance has been invaded by those who may actually suffer from misandry, you need to understand the tale behind the predicament.
You see, FCN did not set out to get a girl on its writing squad. We meet enough women as it is and, believe me, don't need to test our luck within our ranks. Rather, it's F's fault. He was on a date with Jessica, a pretty girl with an NRA dad. F ran out of things to talk about so he mentioned that FCN was looking for humor writers. Jessica said she could write. She showed us some writing samples but we didn't like them and told her thanks but no thanks. After a visit from the NRA dad, Jessica had a position. Welcome Jessica to the writing staff at FCN! Yay!
Ana is our other contributor. We've known Ana for a long time. She's like our older sister in that she is older, she's a girl and she bosses us around. Ana emailed a few weeks ago demanding a position. She said she would box our ears and tell our moms all sorts of nasty things if we didn't oblige. So we obliged. Welcome Ana to the writing staff at FCN! Yay!
Man, my index finger is hurting again. I feel like the groom in a shotgun wedding. But we should welcome these newcomers. They probably feel like John McCain at a computer terminal or Barack Obama in the Oval Office: out of place. They are brown shoes in a tuxedo world. Say hi; let them know you aren't a hater. Don't be a misanthrope. Welcome these talented and pretty people who have agreed to assist us in our pursuit of dereliction.