Jessica - the Full Story

My love life hasn't been working well. A quick summary of the last year:

I spent several moons mooning over a girl I almost never talked to. Then she got really friendly with my best friend. Recently, she mistakenly confused my name with a company that makes sporks.

Heartbroken, I went to a compassionate female friend for consolation. She was there to pick up the pieces and we ended up getting a little too close. Her brother, who works for Blackwater, shot at me with an assault rifle that had been modified up the wazoo. Her best friend's cousin, who uses the same stylist as me, seems to think she recently moved to Canada.

As I was walking home one night, a woman walked up to me and kissed me passionately. Then she said: "Oh, you're not Roger!" and walked away.

I made a public oath that I was done with women. One of my acquaintances made a personal goal to break my resolve; two months later I swore my undying love and she said: "See? Girls aren't that bad!" Then she broke up with me. She still pokes me on Facebook sometimes.

I went to e-harmony and it matched me with myself.

A friend hooked me up with "the perfect girl for you!". We dated casually for two weeks. Then I found out it wasn't a girl. I am no longer on speaking terms with my ... date ... or the "friend" who hooked us up (note the quotation marks around the word "friend"; this indicates sarcasm; that is, he wasn't really my friend but I say that sarcastically to indicate he wasn't).

I asked a coworker out and she quit.

A good female friend of mine announced she had fallen in love with me. I couldn't bring myself to return the feeling; she went emo for a few months then pulled out of it and hired our "friend" Mr Blackwater (note the sarcastic quotes again. This is because he used a flamethrower on me).

I met a girl at a gas station and we hung out a lot; I started to think things might go to the next level when she called me up and made it clear we were just friends. I returned the ring for a full refund.

Then I met Jessica. I wasn't blazingly optimistic but at this point I was just going through the motions. Over a reasonably nice first date dinner, I let slip the fact that I was the F of FCN. "Really? That's awesome!" She said, setting herself apart from all my previous dates by being interested in what I had just said. "I'm a writer too!" To be nice, I told her to send me some of her stuff. She took that as an offer to audition for FCN. Her dad took it as a proposal of marriage. We found common ground one very awkward week later.

Welcome to FCN, Jessica.