Washington Seminar

The results of our “Did George Washington Really Exist” poll were very mixed. Apparently some of our readers saw the intellectual light and were persuaded to at least doubt the existence of our so-called “First President.” Others were, to use a Christian word, unconvinced. According to FCN's eminently respected survey, 48% believe everything about Washington is true, while 9% felt that he was never president but he did chop down the cherry tree. Still more, 18%, felt that he will “always live as an ideal in our hearts.”

Given the nebulous results and that we here at FCN are obsessed with truth, we have decided to put together a counsel of political, philosophical and intellectual leaders of varied ethnic, religious and socioeconomic backgrounds to investigate the allegations about this man’s “amazing” life to determine their veracity.

This counsel won’t interview original sources or read documents from the period of Washington’s life. Neither will it conduct a traditional historical inquest. No, that would be too obvious, too clichéd. Instead we will, as society has done for another great man, make colored beads that reflect our attitudes and feelings about Washington and lift them en mass as statements and life “facts” are read from the First President.

Each person will offer his opinion on a fact of Washington’s life by raising an appropriate colored bead, as follows:

Red: George undoubtedly did or said this or did or said something very like it.

Pink: George probably or might have done or said something like this.

Gray: George did not do or say this, but it is really close to something that he might have done or said.

Black: George did not do or say this; this action represents something that has been attributed to him after the fact, a later tradition.

An unbiased arbiter will act as the chair of this Washington Seminar and make a notation recording the color response to every statement read. The results will then be bound up and published in a seminal work titled The Cherry Tree: The Search for the Authentic George.

Given that it is impossible to actually know for sure what Washington did, said or even meant by is statements and actions, we can only measure our feelings about him. George is dead; his sole survivor is his legacy which lives on as his memory. Why give ourselves a hernia figuring out the arcane details of his life when we need only weigh our non-palpable emotions to determine the truth?

It is a lot of work to dig through letters, speech transcripts and personal statements. A lot of work for nothing, if you ask us.

The media and the general public tend to be gullible and naive about the actions of George Washington, but the faithful FCN few need not be intimidated. We can, via the Washington Seminar, divine a workable reality with which we can operate sans confusion and finger-pointing.

No longer will questions about Mount Vernon or Washington’s fatal battle with pneumonia haunt historians. No longer must we worry about the silly cherry tree or question the motives of a man who turns down the biggest promotion imaginable. The mythical Delaware crossing, the famed Martha and the dog (he did have a dog, didn't he?) will all be put to rest. Washington will once again be life size, not the legend that dodged Indian bullets and survived the brutal Valley Forge winter. And, as a human, he can be respected.

I don’t want to live my life in the dark anymore. I want to know what really happened, or at least come to some kind of consensus. The division is tearing me apart and the solution is so close. So who wants to start a Washington Seminar? Who is with me?

Goodbye Mr. Hussein

In the spirit of Cicero and his Latin phrase “de mortuis nil nisi bonum” (concerning the dead, nothing if not good), we here at FCN have decided that a man like Saddam Hussein, convicted mass murderer or not, deserves a kind treatment after his execution. Unlike the giddy horde of liberals who seem beside themselves in celebrating Jerry Ford's passing, we feel that gentle propriety is demanded in the analysis of anyone's death (because death isn't funny). Years from now, when Saddam's family has stopped grieving his loss and the his body finally cools down, we can say what we really feel.

Here's our tribute to the late Saddam Hussein:

Subha Tulfah al-Mussallat was a troubled woman who devoted most of her energies to shepherding and raising her children. She was also the mother of little Saddam Hussein, who grew up never knowing his father, who left the family six months before he was born in 1937.

Hussein's older brother, a 13-year old who showed moral fortitude and physical strength at a young age succumbed to cancer while Hussein was yet a babe. In the shadow of the complications from that event, little Saddam was sent to the family of his maternal uncle, Khairallah Talfah, where he stayed until he was three. Though he came and went from under his uncle's roof after that, Talfah became a father figure for little Saddam and would be integral in leading the young man into adulthood.

Little Saddam's uncle was a loyal Iraqi patriot who was willing to fight hard for the rights of his country-man and to defend his beliefs. He was a devout Muslim who instilled early in the heart of his nephew the value of Koran and Sharia.

Saddam worked hard in school to please his teachers and got good grades. He even became involved politically, joining the Ba'ath Party in 1957. In 1959, Hussein was wounded while attempting a valiant and patriotic assassination attempt whose wisdom history would never doubt.

Because of his charismatic approach and willingness to accept others beneath his tolerant wing, Hussein received the rank of four-star general. He accented this achievement by growing a gorgeous caterpillar mustache, a style that would be mimicked by all attractive Arab men and a few unattractive Arab women.

No longer a little Saddam, Hussein had decided on his life path. He became President of Iraq through a bloodless coup (Hussein himself never lost any blood). From his new position of leadership, Hussein worked tirelessly to modernize the Iraqi economy and streamline oil security. His efforts were repaid when Iraq began providing social services that were unprecedented among Middle Eastern countries; generously supporting those who couldn't support themselves.

After the Iran-Iraq war (in which Hussein did everything in his power to protect his people, including use nerve agents and mustard gas on his enemies), Saddam lead his nation through a time of peace. Little did he know that that peace would not last long; a conflict with Kuwait and two wars with the evil United States would follow.

Hussein was taken out of power when Western Imperialist armies invaded his country for the second time, put him in a foxhole and stole his oil; they arrested him and trimmed his mustache. After a Kangaroo court (wherein Hussein did most of the Kangarooing), he was sentenced to die. The penalty was carried to a defendant with “fear in his eyes,” and a Koran under his arm, the last item a gift for an unidentified pal.

Saddam Hussein is the ultimate Middle Eastern success story. He is a martyr for the cause of single motherhood and a bastion of Muslim integrity in a dark world of oppression and castration, yes castration. He stood for all that is good about Iraq and lived out his last days with the dignity befitting a tyrannical dictator. He put the “I” in Iraqi and showed his people undaunted courage through the good times and only partially daunted courage through the rough times.

Goodbye Mr. Hussein. May you enjoy forever the eternal rewards you have earned.

Saddam Hussein (1937-2006).