All Hail Google!

Within a decade, Google will be the biggest corporate power in the world. Forget the oil companies, whose biggest hope for future growth lies under discouraging layers of ice. Forget Wal-Mart, whose profits will soon follow its free-falling image. It won’t be long before the internet search giant tops them all.

And what a beautiful world it will be. You will wake up every morning to the smell of your favorite morning beverage, which Google will either remember from past mornings or serve by command after you watch a series of targeted short advertisement from contending brands. The shower will be set to the perfect warmth, calculated to the last significant digit based on outdoor temperature and predictive likelihood of catching cold (a new feature that will then be in “beta-testing”).

Forget where you left your car keys? Google will graciously let you search for the missing item in its exhaustive tape record of your life. Don’t like private moments showing up in the archive? No problem; Google will eliminate those sections of tape from your search results. The corporate office will, of course, maintain a copy for personal entertainment.

Reading material will be a synthesis of popular sources based on the current events of the day and any personal interests you may have. Google will know what you like.

Choices in diet, transportation, housing, friendship and even romantic companionship will all be decided by habit-evidenced preferences. That’s right, your boyfriend or girlfriend will be chosen by Google, using an algorithm that finds and identifies persons with mutual coincidence of penchants, which tech speak for “liking the same music.”

You could also do a Google search, if you’re feeling particularly lonely (or is it lucky?).

After legislation is passed to clear the way, Google will vote for you in a manner more objective then any human being ever could. Candidate selections will be determined by the news articles you favorite and entries you make on your blog, because everyone will keep a blog. Google Voting will be hassle free and will allow 100% of the electorate to have a say.

“Google” is Russian for “total global domination under the guise of ‘doing no evil,’” a concept the Russians have struggled to learn, but Google has down to a science. We are on the path now but in a few years, life will be efficient, smart and, above all, searchable.

Abidjan Cote D'Ivior in West Africa

We recently received the following email message [EDIT: No changes for spelling, grammar or content were made to this email correspondence. Proceed accordingly]:

Dearest One, Good day.

After going through your profile over your web site, I decided to contact you for your assistance in a financial transaction. My name is Miss Ujuh Tomms 16 years old, the only daughter of Late Chief Mr & Mrs Mel Tomms the Gold marchant in the captail city of Abidjan Cote d'Iviore in West Africa.

Please know that I have Eighteen Million Five hundred thousand dollars ($18.500.000) to invest in your country. This Fund was deposited by my late father in a prime bank here in my country before his sudden death on the 28th of July 2007 in a government hospital. But before his death, he made me to understand about the deposit in the bank and where to find the documents of prove of deposit and the origin of fund certificate having my names as the next of kin. Due to the cause of death of my later father which the medical doctor confirmed as food poision, I have no more confidence in my relatives because i may be the next target. This is why I decided to contact you to help me receive my inheritance on my behalf from the bank, after asuring on your cerdibility to assist me because of our relationship in the future over the investment project which we will agree together on the plans to achive sucess on lucrative investment in your country.

Please know that at my age now, I do not have a better financail education that can be sure of good managment over poor money decision that might take many years to over come. Kindly let me know if you are very serious to assist me so that we can discuss your pecentage for your kind assistance to me so that I can open up to you the contact of the bank to enable you contact them on my behalf for immedaite transfer condcut.

Please treat urgently because i am no longer save where I am now. Help me please.

Awaits your urgent response and a happy love in advance.

Love and prayers.

Yours.

Ujuh Tomms.

Such a heartwarming and tear-jerking phishing request demands a response. Here's what we came up with:

Dearest Ujuh Tomms 16 years old,

Good day.

Please know that we are amazed at the naïveté you demonstrate by contacting a bunch of complete strangers and acknowledged derelicts to manage your finances. Please also know that we are honored to have been chosen for such a momentous task.

We have a few questions about your wealth and the nature of your father's demise that must be answered before we can accept your offer. First, what kind of gold merchant was your father? Not to disrespect the deceased, but even dead people can have bad business dealings. In fact, most of the business dealings dead people enter into are bad. Was he an ingot dealer or did he sell fool's gold? That's not a pejorative question; I once made a fair penny selling pyrite to grade school kids. Alas, it was lost soon after in a tragic boating scam. But that's another story.

Second, how did your father die? You said food poisoning. Does that mean Salmonella or E. Coli or something more diabolical like razor blade in his hash browns? How do you know your mother wasn't involved in the plot and that your family didn't double cross her after the fact? Hadn't thought of that one, had you?

Third, what is the nature of your family feud? If we accept this money, will your relatives come after us with the Salmonella? Should we beef up FCN security? Should we hire a few more CTU agents to stake out the FCN lab?

Fourth, if you're willing to trust us with your Eighteen Million Five hundred thousand dollars ($18.500.000), we think you might as well go the whole hog. Why not send us your social security number, banking credentials, personal addresses, contact information, mother's maiden name and the corresponding low down of your arranged husband?

Finally, what kind of religious background do you come from? The daughter of an African chieftain who offers prayers at the end of a business letter? How common is that? Are your prayers normal prayers or do they bring some kind of dark nastiness that should be avoided like your relatives? Should I be scared of your prayers? Should I be counter-praying right now to neutralize your work?

We sincerely hope your financial situation resolves itself. 18 million bucks is a lot of moola and we'd hate to see that fall into undeserving hands. We pray you get your situation resolved before the Salmonella (and/or stealth razor blades) catch you.

Sincerely,

The FCN Team

We have yet to get a reply from Ujuh Tomms 16 years old, but when we do, we'll pass it along. In the meantime, any of you who wish to get in touch with her and maybe pass a word of encouragement or advice on how to avoid food poisoning or ask for a piece of her gigantic wealth, send us an email and we will forward her message to you.