BSA

WASHINGTON DC (FCN) -- Press Secretary Tony Snow announced a new Cabinet level position to help deal with “residual indigenous populations” and “ensure tranquil interactions between man and his forefather.” The new Bureau of Savage Affairs will handle all the duties of the old Bureau of Indian Affairs, but will have more authority to quell the “Indian problem.” J.A. Custer, a direct descendant of the 7^th U.S. Cavalry leader and former undersecretary of persecutions for the BIA, will lead up the new regulatory body.

Speaking in broken English and using inter-langual hand motions, Snow encouraged his “savage” listeners to take heart; the BSA plans to provide even more welfare handouts and assorted financial benefits to those with Native American heritage. “We want to make sure that the children of those who suffered discrimination at the hands of the American government are adequately compensated for their parent's hardship. We feel that subsidizing single-parent homes by giving mothers who have children out of wedlock generous financial compensation and allowing Indian males to support their rigorous alcohol habit is the best way to show our remorse.”

America's Indian population had a mixed reaction to the BSA announcement. Shoshone Chief Michael SleepsDuringDay welcomed the BSA saying that he stood to gain weight by it. “My great-great-grandfather was treated brutally by the white man. A welfare check would make me feel a lot better about that,” he said after the press conference. Ute leader Damian FastFood had a different take. “I don't think the new BSA goes far enough. We savages had to endure years of brutal treatment at the hands of the white man during the plains wars and have suffered additional humiliation since through the BIA. The BSA should compensate us for not only the atrocities of the 1800s, but recent abuses as well.”

Indian issue lobbyist Phillip Schmidt, a blue-eyed blond and former big tobacco consultant, was more critical. “While we praise the Administration for throwing more money at the Indian problem, the use of the term 'savage' in the bureau title may be construed as derogatory.” Schmidt pulled out a heavy dictionary to argue that the average Indian isn't barbaric or uncivilized. “It's the Cherokee Nation, not the Savage Nation,” Schmidt added, taking a jab at at a prominent anti-Indian talk show host.

Asked why the bureau refers to Native Americans as “savages,” Snow replied that behavioral analysts had determined the word Indian was to inflammatory and wanted to find a term that was more “reflective of social attitudes.” Snow pointed to several treaties from the late 1800s which used the term and said that “even though most of these have been broken” the term is widely accepted within the “savage community.” To an agreeing press room chuckle, Snow added “[i]t's more fitting than 'Indian.' After all, they don't live in India, do they?”

At the end of the press conference, Snow gave the Indian Nation peace sign to a standing ovation.