2008: A Year to Fit Between 2007 and 2009.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled FCN BC08 for your regularly scheduled New Year's posts.

Well, the year is over, as of 23:59:59 hours after this is posted.

It's been a good run. All kinds of things happened, which we will prove by fondly remembering them at this time, month by month.

JANUARY

Bush delivers a State of the Union address, which, unlike the one before it, focuses mainly on foreign affairs. He touches briefly on all the bad guys left in the world, such as democrats, and wonders aloud about amending the constitution to prevent them from holding office.

The democratic presidential race is shaken when the number 44 appears on Mr. O's forehead, presumably as an act of Some Vague Providential Being or Force that We All Believe In.

Bank of America buys Countrywide Financial and no one cares.

Hillary Clinton makes the memorable statement: "Boys are stupid."

FEBRUARY

Writer's Guild of America considers ending the strike and decides not to.

Mr. O rightfully calls himself: "The son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas, ordained to save America by all that is good in this world."

Bank of America's takeover of Countrywide Financial hits several snags related to the SRM Global Fund. Bank of America asks for a hug but doesn't get one.

A technical failure prevents BlackBerry users from accessing the interwebs for three hours. One of them exclaims: "I didn't know we had a pool!"

MARCH

US Yacht Club hosts America's Cup. This year, it proves to be the most exciting series of matchups in 157 years. In spite of this achievement, it remains even more boring than curling and snail racing combined.

In a suburban residence in Kansas, a fierce argument over the merits of Mac vs PC ensues.

Mr. O's pastor is revealed to have made some remarks which would have been very inappropriate coming from a white person. Mr. O makes a rousing speech which is instantly recognized as the greatest speech ever in the history of everything. A memorable excerpt: "I am not a black man first, and I am not an American Patriot first. In my mind, there is no difference between them."

A Rolling Stone staff writer invents the word "squeeb" and it doesn't catch on.

APRIL

Bank of America reports a 77% decline in earnings, which it blames on "those cheeky sniffing baboon nazis" at the SRM Global Fund.

F comes very close to getting a girlfriend but ends up playing Halo with the guys instead.

The IRS takes candy from a baby.

Scientists unearth the oldest human remains ever to be found in the Americas. Sophisticated dating equipment places the prehistoric fossil - which was apparently electrocuted by faulty wiring in a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner - at fourteen thousand years old.

Pope Benedict XVI visits Washington DC and urges every American to "do better."

MAY

Hugo Chavez refers to German Chancellor Angela Merkel as "Adolf Hitler without a mustache."

Bank of America/Citywide Financial announce that they will spend "the remaining 22%" on a Bankruptcy Prevention Fund. SRM Global is heard making sniggering noises.

Mr. O causes the sun to shine and the flowers to grow.

A disillusioned farm girl who went to Hollywood to make it big as an actress realizes they "just want me for my body."

JUNE

John McCain asks an aide: "Why are we campaigning in Barstow?"
To which the aide replies: "I'm not exactly sure."

A scientific breakthrough indicates that sandwiches made with bumblebee tuna are tastier than any other kind.

The UN tells Africa: "I don't care who started it. Both of you go to your room."

Virgin Galactic announces a "Race for Space," in which it will compete against itself.

N is invited to go backpacking in Europe. He turns down the offer because "the dollar is weak and I have homework to do."

JULY

Bank of America completes its purchase of Citywide Financial but forgets to get its credit card back. The bank calls later in the day to say it will swing by tomorrow to pick it up.

The release of the iPhone 3G renders MP3 players, gaming consoles, GPS devices, personal computers, telephones, hard drives, headphones, binoculars, webcams, crock pots, taking notes in class, saying I'm Sorry, the nation of Ukraine, and the Samsung Instinct obsolete.

James Cameron announces that he has discovered the lost kingdom of Atlantis. It ends up being a really dirty swimming pool.

The Dark Knight's opening weekend puts other movie's ticket sales into the negatives.

Mr. O releases a press statement saying: "Change We Can Believe In." The statement is true.

AUGUST

The glorious Russian Federation invades the Unworthy Nation of Georgia. The International Community says it was a good idea but wishes it had been consulted first.

Bank of America is subpoenaed for suspicious behavior while acquiring Citywide Financial. Share holders do a collective face palm.

The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, China grind to a halt halfway through after Michael Phelps wins all the gold medals. He celebrates by swinging his arms back and forth and having a brief romantic fling with the grandmother of one of the Chinese gymnastic athletes.

Mr. O announces that his presidential running mate will not be Hillary Clinton.

SEPTEMBER

ThePirateBay.Org, one of the most popular internet piracy websites, gets its name and logo stolen by a video streaming site. Says Pirate Bay: "Oh snap!"

Wall Street decides to take advantage of the total lack of supervision it's getting from the Federal Government by collapsing. Billions of dollars are lost. Says Wall Street: "That'll show you."

A screenshot of Activision's upcoming WWII shooter Call of Duty: World at War is released. Master Chief announces that this is "the happiest day of my life."

Wal-Mart wins the title: "Best Worst Very Valuable Business in a Bad Class." In its absence, Wal-Mart's cousin accepts the award.

McCain announces that his presidential running mate will be Tina Fey.

OCTOBER

Polling data indicates that the only danger now facing Mr. O's campaign is a sudden attack from alien dinosaurs.

Josh Groban mistakenly releases his Christmas CD "Noel" eleven weeks early.

Halloween is a lot less fun than everyone had been hoping.

Freelance Folder publishes 15 Key Elements All Top Web Sites Should Have. FCN has none of them.

NOVEMBER

Mr. O is elected King of the Universe. His first order: as punishment, George W. Bush is to serve three more months as President. Says Joe Biden: "Serves him right."

Improvements to Google's Android phone renders the iPhone 3G obsolete.

Bob Halpert announces he's tired of sweeping the porch. He wants to go inside and watch TV. He does.

Global Warming ends up not being a problem after all. Says Al Gore: "My bad. It was an honest mistake. I'll go back to whining about 2000 now."

DECEMBER

A small number of Americans cling to guns and religion.

The average expected income from stock investing drops below sleeping in, asking a rich uncle for one more chance, and getting a payday advance.

The release of Grand Theft Auto IV for Windows causes America to become immoral.

Digital switchover of TV signals yields $1.5 billion for the US Treasury. C insists he'll still be able to get a signal after the switch with patience and a little aluminum foil.

Hillary Clinton named by Mr. O as the new Secretary of State. Says Hillary: "Whatever man!"

NEWS FLASH: Rod Blagojevich

Have you heard about the Governor of Illinois? You may have read in the news that he is accused of trying to sell off the Senate seat recently vacated by President-Elect Barack Obama, but that's not the half of it.

Rod Blagojevich took state funds -- given to him for expenses incurred as Governor of Illinois -- and used them to rent an RV and drive his family to a national park for personal vacation.

He misappropriated money for a personal vacation.

He used money from dubious sources to refurbish his kitchen and remodel one of the bathrooms in his personal home and he lied about how he got the money when asked by federal investigators.

As if that were not enough, Blagojevich hired expensive prostitutes and used a pseudonym to launder money to hide his shameful activity from authorities.

He paid the prostitutes using cold money from a stash wrapped in food-storage containers in his freezer, received as bribe money in exchange for illegal favors.

Blagojevich abused personal credit cards and conspired with a mistress to buy and re-sell state property illegally.

And Blagojevich is gay. Yes, Rod Blagojevich is a homosexual. The father of two has been hiding his feelings while living with his wife and running the state.

Blagojevich was caught sending innappropriate emails to pages in his Chicago office.

Blagojevich fired a state police chief after he refused to fire one of Blagojevich's former relatives (divorce, etc). The Governor may have abused his office but the firing was legal since the chief was an at-will employee.

During the Presidential campaign, Blagojevich's son hacked Sarah Palin's email.

Blagojevich had a DUI. A week after that surfaced, it came out that he had cheated on wife and had fathered a child with another woman.

Did I mention that the "other woman" was a campaign worker in Blagojevich's campaign?

And no, Rod Blagojevich will not resign. He doesn't think he has done anything that would keep him from performing his duties as Governor of Illinois any worse than previous governors. And you know, he may be right.

FCN Classic: North Korea problem solved.

Yesterday, diplomats of North Korea and the civilized world approved a first draft of a plan to disarm the country's nuclear weapons program. FCN was all over that one. We called up the North Korean embassy and managed to book an appointment with KimJongIl early this morning. A transcript of the interview follows.

FCN: Thanks so much for agreeing to talk to us.

KimJongIl: Been a long day.

FCN: I'm sure it has been. Let's talk about that. What was the tone of yesterday's negotiations?

KimJongIl: Desperate. I say desperate. We drop nuke from high place onto tiny village. Glow very big, but my sunglasses bigger. Now America say: we don't want to get spanked like tiny village. We want to keep San Fransisco, because it have tasty clam chowder!

FCN: So, you have the upper hand in these negotiations?

KimJongIl: Of course. Otherwise why talk at all? Build more nukes. Build, build, build! Boom!

FCN: Why did you start building nukes in the first place?

KimJongIl: American army ready to invade from south. So we build nukes. Now America too scared to attack.

FCN: So, nukes are just one part of the defenses?

KimJongIl: Oh, yes, many defenses all over Korea. I visionary leader. I work hard to save my starving people.

FCN: We're told that conscription and taxation are so heavy, they've caused economic collapse.

KimJongIl: Yes, yes! That how visionary I am. I do anything for my country - even starvation.

FCN: That's inspiring.

KimJongIl: You think? So do my concubines.

FCN: There have been diplomatic talks for decades about your nuke program. What makes you think this one will work?

KimJongIl: I never say it work. It up to America to make it work. Not my fault if it not work. My country do everything we say we do. We never lie to America. Not once. But America lie every day.

FCN: How effective are the sanctions being put on your country?

KimJongIl: They cause much starving, many poor people. But they not work. I visionary leader. My resolve not break!

FCN: I notice you keep talking about America. What about the other countries in the talks?

KimJongIl: Other countries?

FCN: Like China, South Korea ...

KimJongIl: That ridiculous. You Americans so funny! [laughs]

FCN: Assistant Secretary of State Chris Hill said: “Three yards, three yards, three yards — and then it’s always fourth and one.” Do you consider that an accurate evaluation of negotiations at this point?

K imJongIl: No! That American propaganda. America not make three yards. Korea blitz American quarterback! They lose three yards every time. Now it fourth and nineteen. They try make field goal, but it no good. Then it our ball. We build, build, build! Boom!

FCN: So, you're not optimistic about an agreement?

KimJongIl: I say I have message for San Fransisco clams.

[Awkward silence]

FCN: What is it?

KimJongIl: Boom!

FCN: Thanks so much for your time. We know you're busy.

KimJongIl: Yes, very busy. Build, build, build! I go now.

Damon to Make Fourth Bourne Movie

HOLLYWOOD, CA (FCN) -- Action hero and reigning Sexiest Man Alive Matt Damon has agreed to make a fourth Bourne film with the not-so-sexy director Paul Greengrass. Set to be released sometime in the year 2010, the movie will bring a smile to shoot 'em up fans the world over.

"We really couldn't not make this movie," explained Greengrass, using his trademark double negative. "I mean, artistically, cinemagraphically and [most importantly] financially it makes a world of sense for Universal Pictures to try and one-up the last movie, even if it means an eight figure paycheck to me."

The story will pick up where the last film left off - with Jason Bourne floating in the East River, presumably not dead. While script writers are mum about the storyline, moviegoers are already making plot predictions.

"This answers the question that's been sticking in my craw for the last, you know, since I left the theater," began an ardent fan of the franchise who wanted his name withheld. "I mean, was Bourne still alive? You've got that smile from the cute chick with the short hair after she sees his picture on TV, but anyone can smile, you know? It's just a matter of turning the corners of your lips up and relaxing your eyes. That really doesn't tell you whether or not he's kicked the bucket. Unless they plan on bringing in a new hero in the new film - like having Jack Bauer take over for Bourne - Jason's got to still be alive."

According to the Internet Movie Database, several actors from the earlier films have attached their names to the new production, not the least of which is Matt Damon himself.

"I just had to do it," began Damon in a phone interview with FCN shortly after E! News scooped everyone by announcing the new film before Universal's Press Release confirming the story, a risky yet rewarding journalistic strategy. "After I read the petition prepared by Funny Class Notes, there was no way I could break the hearts of so many fans and step on the man crush of that one pathetic contributor you guys have. I had to make the movie."

Damon's sentiments may ring with the sound of fan friendliness, but they are most likely motivated by hefty financial incentives.

"Look: I don't want to be typecast as some kind of action hero in the mold of Arnold or Bruce," Damon intoned, referencing California's governor and the former wrestler. "I mean, look at the women those guys have ended up with. The only way I'd do this is if the money were right. A man's gotta feed his children and this sexy face ain't getting any more attractive. At some point I want to let myself go physically and just do artsy roles, like Jack Nicholson; but for now, I can't ignore the call of the dime."

For whatever the reason, Robert Ludlum's signature character will rise again on the big screen.

Bond Stunt Man Injury due to Incompetence, Cowardice

LAKE GARDA, ITALY (FCN) - Yesterday on the set of the next Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, Aris Comninos won the dubious recognition of stunt man with the weakest sauce in recent memory. "It's unbelievable," says fellow stunt man Aston Martin, who skidded into a lake on the same set last Saturday, "he definitely wins the Darwin award."

Comninos participated in a fairly straight-forward one-take stunt involving driving a moped off the top of a skyscraper, activating his jet pack just before striking the ground, then firing a rocket into a hummer (pictured) to blast it out of the way so he could streak, inches above the ground, into a parking garage just before a B-2 Bomber crashed where he had been.

"The moment he drove off the building," says stunt coordinator Gary Powell, "I knew it was going to go sideways." Comninos began his comedy of errors by losing his cool halfway into his three-hundred foot fall and sawing away at the jet-pack spark plug. "It's lucky the activator on the unit was only for show," says Powell. "He could have ruined everything. Not that he didn't anyway." Powell had his own remote activator in his hand, and activated the jet-pack at the correct moment one and a half seconds before impact.

Alas, the incompetent Comninos was in charge of the controls. Instead of steering toward the parking garage, he maxed out the power and got as much distance as possible between himself and the ground. He wasn't fast enough - the B-2 intercepted his upward course and crushed him deep into the pavement.

"The medical breakdown isn't complicated," reported Seth Mont, one of the paramedics who flew the cowardly stunt man out of the area by helicopter. "Basically he broke every bone in his body, including those really tiny little bones you have in your ear drums." Mont predicted a full recovery following two years of therapy and a hot water bottle, pending new advances in cryogenic and teleportation technology.

"What's really tragic about it is the shot," replied director Marc Forster when asked to recount his feelings regarding the incident. "Film isn't cheap, and he totally ruined the take... it's very unprofessional to... sign as a stuntman and go and do something this childish. If you don't want to be a stunt man... get out of the way, because I can guarantee ... there are a million other people just waiting in line for a chance at the life Aris leads."

Or led, as the case may be.

The 'Great' Wall

SAN DIEGO, CA (FCN) – The Bush administration is putting its full backing behind plans to complete the San Diego border fence, a policy which some experts say could reduce the flow of illegal immigrants by as many as three per year. Homeland Security Secretary Micheal Chertoff has agreed to new plans which supersede existing state laws with the auspicious goal of completing the fence.

Click here to keep reading "The 'Great' Wall," originally published in The Pacifican...

News Flash: 10/18/07

Holiday will not play World Series due to injury sustained during postgame celebration

Matt Holiday, who was named Most Valuable Player of Baseball’s National League Championship series will be unable to play in his team’s first ever World Series due to an injury sustained during his team’s wild postgame celebration. Holiday, an outfielder for the Colorado Rockies, was wildly shaking a bottle of champagne and screaming at the top of his lungs when he pulled a key muscle in his lower back.

Team mates and witnesses to the incident say Holiday fell on the ground and began writhing; a move many thought was an unorthodox but acceptable form of celebration. It wasn’t until Holiday began shouting “my back, you fools! My back!” that the injury was attended.

The Rockies, who had been sustaining a Cinderella type playoff run and had won 21 of their last 22 games, will have to find another left fielder for the World Series.

Torre considers run at high political office

In the wake of his team’s elimination from playoff contention, New York Yankees manager Joe Torre says he may throw his hat into the ring of Presidential hopefuls and challenge fellow New Yorkers Rudy Guliani and Hillary Clinton in their bid for the Oval Office.

“I want to try my hand at managing the nation,” Torre told a group of beat journalists outside the Yankee’s front office. “If I can’t lead this team to another World Series, maybe I can balance the budget.”

Torre also said he felt working with the opposition party might be easier than negotiating with Alex Rodriguez.

Halo 3 Easter Eggs Discovered

A significant collection of easter eggs (hidden parts of the game that can be unlocked by strange player behavior) were laid bare yesterday by Cody Miller, the current world record holder for speed-running Halo 2 on Legendary without dying (he pulled it off in 3 and a half hours). Miller's latest discoveries include how Master Chief has used the bathroom without taking off his suit for the last few decades (he holds it), where the pistol from Halo 1 went (to Louis Wu), where the Flood come from (they teleported in from Doom), and why vehicles never run out of ammo (it's complicated). Perhaps most significant, he dug up a rare cut scene showing the true identity of the Chief. It shows a brief tiff between Master Chief and Cortana, in which the Chief removes his helmet to reveal that he is actually Samus Aran.

United States declares war on Qatar

It wasn’t supposed to work out this way, but it did.

US forces “accidentally” fired a high powered missile at an unpopulated farm in the Gulf Arab state of Qatar. Lt. Gen. Carter Ham, director of operations for the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, responded to inquiry from the Qatar embassy by issuing a declaration of war. No apologies were made for the incident, other than to say that “these things aren’t supposed to happen, but it did, so we’ll have to live with it.” A press release from military brass added that “it’s about time we got Qatar out of the way.”

Arab news source, Al Jazeera responded by broadcasting the exact location of the base where the missile was fired.

President Bush has yet to be informed of the declaration.

Undocumented Workers Hope to Change California's Flag

MAYBRIDGE, CA (FCN) -- Illegal immigrants in the agricultural heart of the Golden State have made a a concerted effort to change the Californian Flag. Pedro Cortes of the Sociedad por Liber California (roughly translated the Society for Free California) told FCN in a recent interview, "We really feel the current symbol of California is wrong. Just plain malo, as we would say. It's not fair to the illegals in this area, much less to the millions of undocumented workers in many of California's regions. And what's up the bear anyway? How many bears do you see roaming in a central valley vineyard?" Cortes also criticized the red star in the upper left hand corner of the flag, calling it "a symbol of communism."

Aside from the fact that many undocumented immigrants disprove of the "no es frio" or "uncool" look of the flag, many also feel that the current symbol of California is in conflict with the rights granted to illegal immigrants by the U.N. While these arguments are often dismissed by government officials, so-called sojourners take these claims very seriously. Cortes noted in the same interview, "the U.N. human rights charter says that is it the priority of all governments to help individuals living in its borders get jobs - and that's the opposite of what the plans of the status quo do. How in the world does the current flag help me or my buddies get jobs?"

Experts fear that the current situation will only get worse as pilgrimaging workers move to the United States. Dr. Schultz author of Illegal Migrations, explained in a recent interview, "Illegals get what they want - and by Jorge, they want California."

Many undocumented workers want the Californian flag to be changed to resemble the Mexican flag. Some hope a compromise will be made, suggesting that the California background be changed to include red, white and green stripes. While this proposed change may calm the offended immigrants temporarily, others fear that an appeasement will only escalate the controversy.

Illegally immigrating Hispanics aren't the only ones pushing for a flag change. Proclaimed free spirit Daisy Moon argued, "You know man, it's so unfair to the other dudes. Totally. And we so need to get rid of the bear. Enchilada, taco, burrito, world peace, man." Moon was last seen enjoying a lazy afternoon beneath an interstate bridge.

Regardless of what change is made to the flag, Mexican-Californian's feel that it should reflect the multicultural diversity that has marked the state's heritage for the last few decades. The new flag shouldn't be too white or brown either.

Study: Xbox 360 Fries Users' Brains

PHILADELPHIA, PA – A new study by the National Association of Really Concerned Moms and the Scientists Who Back Up Their Claims (NARCMSWBUTC) says playing Microsoft's latest game console may actually inhibit brain functionality. The study, titled Functional Undertaking for Brain Understanding (FUBU), measured mental activity in over 1,000 teenagers and found that those who play more than an hour a week of Xbox 360 have a measurably lower Intelligence Quotient.

"It's actually quite stunning," said Neil Wormer, the study Chair and staff writer for Junk Science, at a press conference in front of a small collection of obviously stressed mothers. "We were able to find evidence that not only correlated Xbox 360 use to brain decay, but actually linked the two."

Researchers had 1,081 students wear brain activity monitors while playing the console and required weekly IQ tests to measure their progression. The volunteers also filled out periodic surveys and had a complete physical before and after the experiment.

"By breaking up the group into different playing times, we were able to correlate time spent with the console to the disadvantages addressed in the study," said FUBU data analyst Morgan Ponty. "There is no doubt that the more you play, the dumber."

Rodney Sisters and Peggy LaRoue have become poster children for Xbox-induced low IQ. Both of them have signed hefty contracts with NARCMSWBUTC to do television and radio ads decrying the mental dangers of static entertainment. In a conference telephone conversation with the FCN staff, they answered our questions with earnest monosyllables. From what we were able to gather, they sincerely regret the combined thirteen years they have spent playing video games, but are also really excited about the financial opportunities generated by their decrepit mental states.

"Take some of the stuff you guys write: Before 360, your writing was really dry; now man, it's hilarious!" Sisters said when he finally understood who FCN was, putting together his only complete sentence in the entire interview.

Sisters and LaRoue's agent sent us a webpage picturing the two spokespersons as fatter version of Napoleon Dynamite and a young Janet Reno clone. Both are holding a facial expression that can only be described as vacant and a caption below the picture says: "Don't be like us; turn it off." During our interview, LaRoue took credit for the line.

But not everyone is so sure about the study results. Chad Flute of EA Sports is skeptical of the results. "I'll bet [NARCMSWBUTC] couldn't make heads or tails of the results so they shook their tails," he told FCN. "These data could be interpreted any which way, and they have. To blindly assume that FUBU is right is foolhardy; I'm sure my office will have a study out in a few months proving the opposite is true."

"I actually think that the whole experience balances out," argues Microsoft hardware developer Randy Ewberg. "Sure, you get a little brain cell deterioration, but your hand eye coordination improves drastically, your fight skills go through the roof and you can actually burn calories and stay in shape by depressing the thumb controls."

NARCMSWBUTC, meanwhile, has another project up its sleeve. "Functional Undertaking for Brain And Reasoning" or FUBAR will tackle iPod ear buds. "I can only imagine the kind of deaf poster kids we'll be digging up for that study," said Wormer.

10 Fun Things To Do This Weekend

Have a spare moment during the next few days and void of any cool ideas? Have a hot date but nothing do do? Try these...

1. Make a threatening video.

2. Slip Emergen-C into Lindsay Lohan's snuff box.

3. Globe trot with a highly contagious strain of Tuberculosis.

4. Crash Cindy Sheehan's going away party.

5. Boo a Mexican.

6. Hug a Ginsburg.

7. Take a virtual stroll down Broadway.

8. Catch the game on Hugo Chavez's big screen.

9. Make fun of “Stray-Rod.”

10. Buy some spicy eye wash.

Presidential Candidate Changes Religious Affiliation

BOSTON (FCN) – 2008 Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney announced this morning that he has changed his religious affiliation from his native Mormonism and joined the Catholic Church.

“After careful analysis of polling data from several key states and some interviews with likely voters, our campaign has decided it’s best for Mitt to make the switch,” said Vanessa Creano, a spokeswoman for the former Governor of Massachusetts. “If you look at the religions of past candidates, Mormons have traditionally fared poorly; we don’t want that for Mitt.”

The campaign made the announcement on the steps of Saint Joseph Roman Catholic Church on William Cardinal Street in downtown Boston. Inside the cathedral, Romney was taking his first communion.

“It’s a big change for us; we are pitching the Book of Mormon and picking up the Magisterium,” explained Ann Romney, Mitt’s wife. “Sometimes, on the campaign trail and for the sake of the nation, you have to make sacrifices. If this switch means that a Republican is parading come inauguration day, it’ll be worth it.”

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) hail the move with disappointment.

“It is, of course, sad to see him and his family leave, but the departure is bittersweet,” said P. Jackson Randolf a social sciences professor at Brigham Young University, a Mormon institution of higher education. “If he gains control of the Oval Office, I fully expect him to switch back. Who knows? This may even be a harbinger for the return of legalized polygamy.”

P. Jackson Randolf's wife had no comment.

Gordon B. Hinckley, President of LDS and considered by many Mormon faithful to be a seer of God’s will on earth, phoned FCN soon after the announcement to express his feelings about the high profile switch. “Mitt knows what he is doing. It’s politics and no one is better and politics than the Romneys.”

When asked if he felt betrayed by the candidate’s denunciation, Hinckley replied that the end justified the change. “Of course I’d rather it didn’t work out this way, but I understand politics,” he said.

Political pundits, meanwhile, are questioning the merits of the decision. To present voters with such a radical religious shift so close to the primaries could prove damaging. At least, that’s what conventional wisdom tells us.

Conventional wisdom is wrong in this case according to Mary Matalin, a GOP strategist who emailed FCN soon after Romney’s announcement. “Voters don’t care who the candidate is until the last three weeks of the campaign. Now is a time for positioning and issues placement. In that regard, this may be the best switch since his abortion shift.”

Asked whether the flip-flop reputation would hurt him in the long run, Matalin was again positive. “Come November, nobody will even remember he was once a Mormon,” she said confidently.

At least, that’s what the GOP is hoping. For the Romney family, it’s back to the campaign trail.

“We’ll have to cut the Mormon religious references from his stump material, but it’ll pretty much be the same old same old,” Creano said.

HotWire

SAN JOSE, CA (FCN) -- A new technological innovation, the first major advance in recent memory not discovered in the FCN Lab, promises to raise new channels for global product delivery and make car buying a lot easier.

Samuel Cooke, a computer programmer with Lucent Technologies and freelance software developer, just released the beta version of a Physical Deanimation Cyber Copier called HotWire that he says can send copies of physical objects like cars and trucks over the internet.

“The vehicles are scanned into a computer and then broken down digitally into super small fragments, even smaller than an atom,” Cooke told a collection of technology enthusiasts and journalists at Google headquarters in Mountain View. “Computers act as storage hubs, holding bits of many different cars at a time. Whenever you download a vehicle, you facilitate other’s transfers.”

HotWire is not exclusively for those in the know. “Anyone can have access,” says Sergey Wagoner, head developer on Cooke’s research team. “These tiny CarBits are made available online to any user with the right software and a fast internet connection. It can take a few days of downloading, but end users are able to download complete copies of current model vehicles for free.”

And the vehicles are fully functional.

Todd Weston, a test driver for Ford, recently took a copied Land Rover LR3 on the highway. Weston, who has driven several thousand cars during his testing career, reported no difference between the cyber car and the real one. “It handled beautifully, cornered like a dream and accelerated about as poorly as the normal Rover,” Weston said with a smile in a post drive interview. “Next time I want to get the fully equipped version with a built in DVD player and TomTom.

Unlike Star Trek’s “beaming,” a HotWired car remains on the lot and can be purchased by a user. But paying money for cars may not be necessary in the near future as software developers create user-friendly programs that can search for and download cars.

“The market is already saturated with free programs car download programs,” explained ScuttleMonkey on Slashdot. “Besides Cooke’s HotWire, you’ve got CarDonkey, OverCar, Careaza, CarMX, CarTorrent, CarPheus, eCar, CarNucleus, CarShare and Karzaa. Some of these programs have model specific filters and you can copy from a specific lot if you know of a car you really want.”

Car manufacturers, already struggling from declining revenues and increasing labor costs, are feeling threatened by the new technology. Detroit native and General Motors CFO Fritz Henderson issued a press statement last week, expressing some of his company’s concerns. “Real people work real hours in real plants to bring home real food to their real families. With HotWire, consumers will have access to our products and we won’t see any of the advantages of our work. If this continues for very long, there won’t be any cars to copy and thousands of hard working Americans will be out of a job.”

Asked if he sees HotWire as facilitating theft, Cooke answered that he is just trying to make information more available to the world. “I’ve heard the ‘piracy’ allegations and quite frankly I think they’re a load of blue collar crock. A car is nothing more than a organized collection of quarks and leptons – albeit a couple novemdecillion quarks and a few centillion leptons,” he said. “We’re not robbing any pensions here; just facilitating communication.”

Dems Debate; Few Notice

WASHINGTON DC (FCN) – In a move that failed to garner the notoriety of any respected news organization, several candidates for the Democratic Presidential Nomination squared off in an issues debate held three-quarters of a year before the first voting begins in the Iowa Caucuses. At least eight candidates (eye witness accounts varied as to the exact number of speakers) conducted an amicable debate about such momentous issues as the war, health care and guns.

Despite the gravity of the topics, the biggest news coming from DC Thursday seems to be that few cared or even paid attention to the debate.

“I was actually pretty well blind-sided by the whole thing,” said Democrat National Committee Chair Howard Dean after the debate. “The candidates normally consult the political nucleus before debating and the interactions are generally carefully choreographed; we don't like surprises. To see these guys go off half cocked without much direction was disappointing, to say the least.”

Some six hundred reporters were credentialed to cover the event, but only a handful showed up; and those that did have wide variance in their accounts.

“The Obama [D-IL] guy says Obama won; the Clinton [D-NY] guy says Clinton won. About the only person who everyone can agree actually lost is MSNBC, the network that aired the debate.” explained media analyst Jakob Tecknorati in an online interview. “The fact of the matter is nobody knows who the heck won or lost anything because nobody watched.”

One fact that we can be fairly sure about the debate is that President Bush was bashed by all.

“It was more like Conan O’Brien than a Presidential debate; every other line was derogatory,” said former Chief of Staff Andrew Card who saw cell phone clips of the debate on YouTube and spoke publicly about his disgust with Tim Russert on Meet the Press. “If I wanted ‘Bush Bashing,’ I’d have gone to college.”

Republican strategists say they aren’t surprised by the debate’s lackluster following. Some point to apathy in the electorate while others say the Democrats didn’t bring enough big ticket names.

“If you’re not from Alaska and you’re not a nerd, you’ve never heard of Mike Gravel [D- AL] . Who wants to watch a guy named after a collection of small stones speak?” Asked Presidential advisor Karl Rove in a post-debate conference call. “Other ‘big names’ included Dennis Kucinich [D-OH], a first degree loon, and Chris Dodd [D-CT], the guy who ‘runs on hope.’ Please.”

The presence of Nancy Pelosi was postulated but never confirmed.

MSNBC, which lost four million dollars airing the program, remains optimistic about future debates. “When we get closer to the caucuses and a couple of gnarly scandals break, I guarantee folks will be eating our programming up like nothing else,” predicted Dan Abrams, chief legal correspondent for MSNBC. “Just wait, it’s a sleeper now, but it’ll be big soon.”

Democrats can only hope Abrams is right. If the debate viewership is reflective of a poor national following, the future looks grim for the Donkey Party.

Howard Dean sees no reason for fear: “If someone just tells me before they do these things and we get the organized right, everything will be fine. Gracious!”

Analysts: Harry Reid’s Reelection Bid is ‘Lost’

WASHINGTON DC (FCN) -- Though he has a four-to-one financing advantage on all likely opponents, has nation-wide name recognition and seems to be gaining political momentum, analysts at the International Research and Quandary Institute (IRAQI) agree that Harry Reid (D-NV) will not win his bid at reelection in 2010.

“It’s a long way off yet, but, using our advanced political calculations and public opinion rubrics, we can be absolutely certain of the outcome,” said chief IRAQI analyst Doug Wetstein. “He has all the advantages on paper and there isn’t even a viable challenger that has risen to oppose him, but, given the data in front of us, we can be absolutely certain of his defeat.”

The prediction comes on the tail of strong political news for the Majority Leader; his polling numbers are nearing an all time high, his bills are fairly flying through congress and his name is one of the first chosen by interns coming into DC.

Still, say expert analysts, Reid stands no chance.

“This election is lost and the surge [in campaign contributions] is not accomplishing anything as indicated by the extreme contentiousness on the Hill yesterday,” intoned Peggy Sanderson, a campaign funding expert at IRAQI. “The Majority Leader should start considering other venues – economic, diplomatic and literary – to promote his ideas; he just doesn’t have a future in politics.”

Reid, meanwhile, had a jab of his own for those who predict his failure. “I can't begin to imagine how our operatives in the field, who are risking their reputations every day, are going to react when they get back to the office and hear that the premier political organization in the United States has declared the election is lost,” he said at a news conference Monday.

“We are going to win this thing clearly, cleanly and quickly,” he added to applause from the office interns.

Party leaders are considering cutting Reid’s political funding. Howard Dean, former Democratic Presidential candidate and current Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, is communicating with his colleagues about removing Reid’s backing altogether.

“If he can’t win, why should we fund him?” asked Dean from his Vermont office. “At this point, the most viable option is to just remove him from office. Not cut and run, mind you, but retreat with dignity. The guy is great; he’s just a political liability right now.”

Reid is taking “prudent measures” to ensure he doesn’t become a Party sore spot, but even he seems to be giving up hope.

“It’s probably best if he just high-tailed it out of there,” said Wetstein.

NASA to Arm Astronauts

CAPE CANAVERAL FL -- The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) announced a plan yesterday to provide weapons and body armor to astronauts. In the wake of the “Diapered Lady who went NASA,” NASA officials lead are trying to repair the reputation of space exploration and deter future incidents.

“The new weapons will make me feel a lot safer in space,” said Gus Eisenhower, a veteran space traveler who, by his own account, almost went psycho once. “If some idiot comes at you swinging his oxygen tank or threatening to lift your visor, you just blast him to Hades with the plug headquarters provides.”

NASA headquarters maintains that the astronauts will be trained to shoot at non-vital areas. Sgt. Richard McNerney, a former Navy Seal who now does weapons training for the Marine Corps, explained that “most of the time a bullet to the arm or knee will shut up a 'tard.”

NASA Administrator John Griffin feels the armaments will make missions more secure. “Watching from Houston, it's impossible to stop a maniac intent on destroying a craft from killing and maiming others. We must give the astronauts the tools to defend themselves from the crazies,” he told a press conference yesterday. “Eventually our goal is to arm everyone in the International Space Station (ISS) so if a Ruskie goes sour or a Frenchie blows his top, we can take care of business, if you get my meaning.”

Astronauts will be allowed to pick their weapons from a list that includes Uzi sub-machine guns and AK-47s. Starting with the next shuttle launch, they will choose a primary and secondary weapon as well as any of three grenade types and body armor. Ammunition varies by weapon chosen.

To keep shuttle flights from becoming carnal blood baths, NASA is also going to equip each mission with an Army surgeon, trained in treating gunshot wounds and shrapnel injury.

Riley Finnegan, a long-time space observer and NASA critic feels good about the change. “One of the big problems I've had with NASA – besides, of course, the faked moon landing – is the whole unarmed exploration side of the agency. We can't be sending American citizens into alien territory without the weapons to defend themselves,” Finnegan said in a telephone conversation with FCN. “Lewis and Clark didn't explore the Louisiana territory without a musket did they?”

Griffin, meanwhile, maintains that the weapons are not for extra-terrestrial protection. “If we wanted to scare the green monsters away, we'd use ray guns and lasers. We just want our astronauts to keep their diapers on,” he said to press room chuckles.

A new weapons operation training facility is planned in Cape Canaveral to assist the space explorers on the operation of their new toys. Incoming astronauts will have to pass a rifle and sidearm certification and all existing staff – even the janitors and mechanics – must learn to fire an automatic weapon and pull the pin on a C4 grenade.

Eisenhower, who has been training for his next blast off by playing paint ball with his son, looks forward to his next mission. Said Eisenhower: “This is America. And Americans use big guns. So watch out universe!”

North Korea problem solved.

Yesterday, diplomats of North Korea and the civilized world approved a first draft of a plan to disarm the country's nuclear weapons program. FCN was all over that one. We called up the North Korean embassy and managed to book an appointment with KimJongIl early this morning. A transcript of the interview follows.

FCN: Thanks so much for agreeing to talk to us.

KimJongIl: Been a long day.

FCN: I'm sure it has been. Let's talk about that. What was the tone of yesterday's negotiations?

KimJongIl: Desperate. I say desperate. We drop nuke from high place onto tiny village. Glow very big, but my sunglasses bigger. Now America say: we don't want to get spanked like tiny village. We want to keep San Fransisco, because it have tasty clam chowder!

FCN: So, you have the upper hand in these negotiations?

KimJongIl: Of course. Otherwise why talk at all? Build more nukes. Build, build, build! Boom!

FCN: Why did you start building nukes in the first place?

KimJongIl: American army ready to invade from south. So we build nukes. Now America too scared to attack.

FCN: So, nukes are just one part of the defenses?

KimJongIl: Oh, yes, many defenses all over Korea. I visionary leader. I work hard to save my starving people.

FCN: We're told that conscription and taxation are so heavy, they've caused economic collapse.

KimJongIl: Yes, yes! That how visionary I am. I do anything for my country - even starvation.

FCN: That's inspiring.

KimJongIl: You think? So do my concubines.

FCN: There have been diplomatic talks for decades about your nuke program. What makes you think this one will work?

KimJongIl: I never say it work. It up to America to make it work. Not my fault if it not work. My country do everything we say we do. We never lie to America. Not once. But America lie every day.

FCN: How effective are the sanctions being put on your country?

KimJongIl: They cause much starving, many poor people. But they not work. I visionary leader. My resolve not break!

FCN: I notice you keep talking about America. What about the other countries in the talks?

KimJongIl: Other countries?

FCN: Like China, South Korea ...

KimJongIl: That ridiculous. You Americans so funny! [laughs]

FCN: Assistant Secretary of State Chris Hill said: “Three yards, three yards, three yards — and then it’s always fourth and one.” Do you consider that an accurate evaluation of negotiations at this point?

K imJongIl: No! That American propaganda. America not make three yards. Korea blitz American quarterback! They lose three yards every time. Now it fourth and nineteen. They try make field goal, but it no good. Then it our ball. We build, build, build! Boom!

FCN: So, you're not optimistic about an agreement?

KimJongIl: I say I have message for San Fransisco clams.

[Awkward silence]

FCN: What is it?

KimJongIl: Boom!

FCN: Thanks so much for your time. We know you're busy.

KimJongIl: Yes, very busy. Build, build, build! I go now.

The Bourne Hotline

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In anticipation of the upcoming release of Bourne Ultimatum, starring Matt Damon, a collection of action movie enthusiasts and cinema psychiatrists are coming together to form a hotline to counsel heartbroken Bourne fans.

“So often cinema goers are shocked by what directors do with the books they love,” explained Erin Barron, a mental health expert with the Mayo clinic who joined the project. “Our role is to console supporters of the Robert Ludlum novels, maybe even give them a decent shoulder to cry on if the movie is really bad.”

Apparently some are expecting the action hero to die in the last film of the trilogy, a fate that would come as a heartbreak to Damon's legions of adoring fans.

“The hotline is a matter of social responsibility,” explains Spud Shaw, author of Stopping the Black: How Chick Flicks Turn Decent People Into Criminals. “Studies show that a traumatic movie can be as much of a risk factor for rash activity as a traumatic childhood.”

Shaw outlines a two step process to undo the damage of what he calls “mentally destructive” movies. “First, you need to acknowledge that the story on the screen isn't real. You need to come to terms with the story telling. Second, you need to find out the truth. Go out on the Internet and find out how many black ops people really die in gruesome five semi-truck pileups. This reinforces neuropsychiatrically therapeutic thoughts.”

Fans, meanwhile, are largely unaware of the hotline's existence. A survey of moviegoers in a small Northern California town revealed that over 96% had never even heard of the service. One viewer, who asked that his name not be given, even laughed at us and called us “fruity.”

Barron doesn't see the lack of recognition as an obstacle. “When people leave theaters in tears and realize their lives have completely collapsed in the course of an hour and a half movie, they'll call the hotline,” she said.

New study finds cell phone use actually hurts communication

TUSCEGEE AL – Researchers at Tuscegee University in Alabama have discovered that regular cell phone use actually harms a teenager’s ability to communicate. Instead of assisting them in expressing their views to others, the communication miracle may be holding the entertainment generation back.

“They spend so much time talking to the thing by their ear that they never stop to talk to each other,” explains Newport Washington, the study’s lead scientist. “They talk alright, but they never communicate.”

Not all members of the Tuscegee community agree. Some of the students at the very university that sponsored the study disagreed vehemently when asked their opinion. “I dunno what they’se talkin’ ‘bout, man!” A young white student exclaimed, shaking a loose fitting skull cap and exposing grill when he spoke. “We’se able to…to…to…yeah…we’se able to.” We tried to get the student’s name, but we weren't confident enough in our interpretation of the ubonical sounds to publish it here.

Washington’s colleague and adjunct researcher for the university, Crocker Samuels, tempers the study’s findings with his own interpretation. “It isn’t so much that the youth of America can’t talk, it’s that they can’t talk face to face,” he said told us by cellular phone.

Maybe he has a point. We caught up with Tom Anderson, a popular social networker and a man who seems to be everyone’s friend, not in person, but over Former Vice President Al Gore's biggest technological innovation, the Internet. Here’s what he told us over the latest in chat technology (please keep in mind that if we were the kind of arrogant journalists that usually write these stories, the following would be laden with “[SIC]”):

TOM: r u ther?

FCN: Yes, we are right here, Mr. Anderson, are you ready to do the interview we discussed?

TOM: tom, plz, sur, jas

FCN: Is that a yes? :-)

[5 MINUTES LATER]

TOM: ok, wwt?

FCN: Yes, we are wondering your views on the Tuscegee U. study that finds cell phones hurt teenager’s ability to communicate. Do you feel this assessment is accurate?

TOM: its cool; its cool.

FCN: So you think teenagers should spend less time on their mobile devices?

TOM: man, tech’s the futur...that’s wwb in…you know…now...it’s big stuff

FCN: What part should parents play, if any, in limiting their kids cell phone use?

TOM: look: my thing is soc nets, not nannying, DYGWIS?

Unfortunately, our connection broke off and we weren’t able to able to further develop Anderson’s position on this controversial subject.

Most youths do seem to cling to their cellulars, making them personal extensions their own souls, adding crude ring tones or inappropriate desktop images. From to the Razr to the Crazr, America's kids have an infatuation with their portables that may very well be unhealthy.

Further research definitely must be conducted to verifiable ascertain the real communication deficit imposed by modern cellular phones. As Washington explains, “this study is just the first in what I hope is a long string of empirical examinations of the effects of cell phones on the teen generation.” In pursuit of this goal, Washington has already filed a request for more grant money.

Russian complaints drive “24” to “Muslim well”

NEW YORK, NY -- The writers of Fox's hit drama “24” have succumbed to pressure from radical Russian groups to remove references to Russian villains. In their stead, Muslims will play the the diabolical and dangerous characters who threaten major US cities with suitcase nukes and otherwise keep Jack Bauer's day interesting.

“We really feel this is a step in the right direction,” said Russian liaison an former KGB agent Boris Innokentiy. “When a popular show like '24' goes out there and presents such a negative image of us to the viewers, who knows what could happen?” Innokentiy cites several incidents of anti-Russian violence and a growing trend of “Ruski stereotyping,” which he says threatens “all Russians, anywhere.”

Yegor Anton of the Post-Cold War Peace Project and KGB sympathizer notes that the animosity was increasing at an alarming rate during the last season. “Shows like '24' gave viewers a reason to hate us, adding fuel to the Putin-hater's fire. The overwhelming impression you get is fear and hatred for Russians.” Anton even fears for his life, noting that “[a]fter watching that show, I was afraid to go to the grocery store because I wasn't sure the person next to me would be able to differentiate between fiction and reality.”

The shows move to Muslim villains is motivated by lower casting costs and increased scariness. Jeffrey Reynolds, the former executive producer of the “24,” explained, saying: “In today's world, Arabs are the bad guys. Ever since 9/11, nobody wants to sit near one on a bus or plane and, God forbid, befriend a Muslim. They make great villains.”

The writers of “24” issued a statement defending the move, saying “[t]he show has made a concerted effort to show ethnic, religious and political groups as multidimensional, and political issues are debated from multiple viewpoints. You'll see that in this season as Jack Bauer actually hesitates before shooting a terrorist, I mean a Muslim. The Muslim and Arab wells are deep, very deep, and we intend to return to them often.”

Kahlid Al-Jihad, a Muslim activist and former correspondent for Al-Jazeerah, took the news of the switch with quiet rage. “Someday America will regret offending us as it has. Praise be to Allah! Death to '24.'” The Muslim community is preparing a heavy media blitz in an attempt to salvage public opinion.

Despite the change, not all Russian leaders are satisfied. “We need the show to write in sympathetic Russian characters to reverse the anti-Ruski sentiments among the viewers and Fox should donate some cash to our slush fund in an act of goodwill. That might make things right,” said Innokentiy.

News Flash (1/16/07)

Congressman Sworn in on original copy of A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh

Kieth Ellison (D-Minn), the first stuffed toys addict to be elected to a constitutional position, was sworn in on a 1930s era copy of The House at Pooh Corner, an A.A. Milne classic. The children's story convert cited moral and religious reasons for deviating from the time honored tradition of using the Bible during the swearing in ceremony.

“Pooh has such a rich heritage in my family. From the first stuffed animal I got when I was five to the matching bedroom set in my prepubescent years, Milne has been a part of my life, my family.” Ellison became emotional as he recounted the decision to use the heirloom book. “It's not that that I don't like the Bible, its just that Pooh teaches us so many lessons about life and the way we should conduct ourselves as human beings. And we can't forget about Christopher Robin.”

Jerry Rickers, the custodian of the National Children's Story Archive, said Ellison “wants this to be a special day, and using The House at Pooh Corner makes it even more special.” No word yet on why he chose The House at Pooh Corner and not the original Winnie the Pooh.

First test-tube kid has kid

In an episode that will have scientists shaking the heads for months, Louise Brown, who was the world's first test-tube baby some 28 years ago, has given birth to a bouncing baby boy. As of yet there are no verifiable photos of this baby, giving credence to allegations that he doesn't really exist. Until Vanity Fair is able to get some overpriced photos of the test -tube offspring, we can safely assume that the baby is really an alien.

Developing...

Patrick Dempsey is ready for a political career

Citing his continued struggle with dyslexia, Patrick Dempsey, a highly inconspicuous male actor known only to a narrow female demographic, has announced he is looking toward public office. “I good look, good really, fact in, a lot of hair have head on my and my words stumble over. Doesn't qualify that me?”

Dempsey spoke briefly with an AP correspondent where he seemed quietly satisfied with his acting accomplishments, but was also looking ahead. “The Dempsey's future in elected office is. Be there I want,” he said.

Human Growth Hormone ineffective for as aging remedy, but does make users look like Barry Bonds

A recent review of published studies suggests that aging is inevitable and that no number of elixirs and spirits can keep the wrinkles away. The findings come on the heels of years of speculation that steroids may be solution to the "getting old" dichotomy.

Dr. Hau Liu of Stanford University (Liu is actually from a foreign country, but was signed as a free agent by Stanford U.) tells users of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) to watch their weight level while on the juice. "There are unconfirmed reports that HGH can dramatically improve a users weight. By improve, I mean increase," he said in a high nasal voice. By the looks of things Liu never had a weight problem.

When San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds heard the news that all his juicing wouldn't make him live forever, he was inconsolable. "Do you mean that I've endured two decades of acne for nothing?" he sobbed. At least he will live forever in the Baseball Hall of Fame, with an asterix.