Desperate Student, Special Episode: Last Will and Testament

Last Will And Testament Of The Desperate Student
Filed December 20, 2007

I, Desperate Student, a resident and citizen of California, being of sound mind and disposable memory, do hereby make, publish and declare this instrument to be my last will and testament, hereby revoking any and all wills and codicils by me at any time heretofore made.

Item I
Debts, Expenses and Taxes

I direct my Executor, hereinafter named, to pay all of my extensive debts and my funeral expenses, which had better not be cheap, as well as the costs and expenses of the administration of my estate, as soon after my death as practicable, and only after my pulse is checked so he knows for sure I'm dead. I further direct that all estate, inheritance, transfer and succession taxes which are payable by reason under this will, be paid out of my residuary estate, or, failing that, out of the estates of my former friends; and I hereby waive on behalf of my estate any right to recover from any person any part of such taxes so paid. My Executor, in his sole discretion, may pay from my domiciliary estate all or any portion of the costs of ancillary administration and similar proceedings in other jurisdictions, etc etc, bla bla bla.

Item II
Instruction Concerning Personal Property: Enjoyment in Specie

I anticipate that included as a part of my property and estate at the time of my death will be tangible personal property of various kinds, characters and values, including a rusty Vietnam-era rifle and a poster of Tom Cruise.

I hereby bequeath my Definitive Switchfoot Collection to Suzy, my former girlfriend, even though we never actually went on a date as of the filing of this document.

I hereby bequeath all my money, such as it may be accumulated, in any form, currency, or counterfeit, to be distributed equally amongst my room mates for the payment of rent or to buy beer and DVDs, at the discretion of the beneficiaries.

I hereby bequeath all my school supplies to Ivan, who really needs to go to school and get a better job. Not that I'm qualified to talk about getting a better job.

I hereby specifically instruct all concerned that my Executor, herein appointed, shall have complete freedom and discretion as to disposal of any and all property not named above so long as he shall act in good faith and in the best interest of my estate and my beneficiaries, and not in the interest of Jake, who once reconstructed my face to look like George Bush and whom I do not like very much; and his discretion so exercised shall not be subject to question by anyone whomsoever, including and in particular Jake.

Item III
Residuary Trust

I absolutely and explicitly do not divide any of my estate or income for the support of health, education, support, comfortable maintenance, or welfare of anyone, including my own mother. I will not be made into a vending machine. No way. Not me.

Item IV
Unenforceable Provisions

If any provisions of this will are unenforceable, the remaining provisions will be stricken and my estate will be rendered in whole to the United States government, to be converted into emu farm subsidies.

Item V
Life Insurance

If my estate is the beneficiary of any life insurance on my life at the time of my death, I direct that the proceeds therefrom will be rendered in whole to my local community college, for the foundation of a Desperate Student scholarship. A modest and sustainable award is to be given each year to the competitor who submits an essay with the most absurd professional aspiration.

Item VI
Creditor Provision

If my estate has outstanding debts at the time of my death, my Executor is to laugh in the faces of any creditor seeking repayment. They are to be given this message: "I'm dead, loser. What are you going to do? Sue me?"

I would like also to be recorded at this time the sentiment that I wish I could see their faces when the above message is delivered. Unfortunately this would defeat the purpose.

Item VII
Executor

I appoint as executor of this, my last will and testament, my said roomie.

Item VIII
Funeral Proceedings

I am not in any way particular about the manner of my burial. I will, however specifically stipulate that my headstone is to be dark grey and plain, and to be inscribed with my name and the dates of my birth and death, along with the words: "FOR THE LAST TIME IT WAS NOT A KISS."

Item IX
Closing Thoughts

Life is hard. I learned a thing or two going down life's short and brutal path. I would now like to offer a few of these lessons to those who will be present for the reading of my will.

i) Don't give up on her. So what if she thinks you're a creep. She already thinks you're a creep. Keep calling her already. What have you got to lose?
ii) Don't stand up for yourself as much. I know nobody else tells you that, but it's true. You'll get stepped on a lot less often, and people will be less likely to notice when you steal a few cookies.
iii) Wear gloves. Splinters hurt. Who needs that?
iv) Don't spend as much time around little kids. Little kids are full of bad ideas. You don't want to run the risk that some of them will rub off on you. I remember once I tried to swim from Baja to Cancun because a six-year old double dog dared me to do it. I washed ashore in Seattle two weeks later.
v) Run for it. Explosions aren't like the movies. You can't realize the bomb is about to go off and then jump through a window and make a dramatic slow-motion exit as fire and smoke billows behind you. Explosions don't happen in slow motion. Also, you aren't as smart or as lucky as movie stars. If you have any suspicion that there are explosives in the area, yell that there's a bomb and run screaming for the car.
vi) The police are not necessarily your friends. They have their own agendas.
vii) Don't be a hero. It sounds nice to jump in front of a bullet for someone else, but trust me, it just hurts a lot and people will forget about it later. Also, bullets are really dangerous, particularly if they land in the wrong spots.
viii) Aim before firing. While we're on the subject of bullets, I would like to point out that your accuracy will be significantly improved if you keep at least one eye open and pointed at the target. This matters because your target is less likely to kill you if he is in the process of being shot.
ix) Don't pick up hitchhikers.
x) Wash your hands often.

In witness thereof, I, the said Desperate Student, do hereunto set my hand and seal in the presence of two (2) competent witnesses, and in their presence do publish and declare this instrument to be my Last Will and Testament, this 20th day of December, 2007.