What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.


Monday, December 03, 2007

We Wish You a Merry Christmas Without Us.

It’s December, the month of the year when school finals give way to Christmas vacation and a healthy dose of celebration. It is also a month when the average American will gain 15 pounds.

Do something for me? Run to the mirror and look at yourself. This is you at your current weight. Pretty good, no? I mean, we could all stand to fix a few aesthetic flaws, but you don’t look half bad. Now imagine what you will look like with an additional fifteen pounds hanging from the places pounds hang. Not all droopy like old people weight, but solid, firm and very there. That is what you will look like at the end of December.

A fun exercise this Christmas season is to walk down the street mentally adding weight to different people. Where would it go? How would the person try to cover it up? And know that if you are thinking it about others, others are thinking it about you.

We wouldn’t worry too much about all that weight. Come New Year, you will make a resolution to lose it all and you will have much of it worked off by the 23rd of January when you fail your resolution and go on a calorie binge that regains almost all of what you lost. Over the next few months, good lifestyle decisions bring you back to 90% of your former svelteness. That additional 10% will never be lost. Consider it a Christmas present. It will hang around and send out invitations until friends join it and an adipose party is on at your midriff. But that will take many years of Christmas seasons, so we wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Those of you who don’t plan on gaining weight should feel doubly guilty. 15 pounds is the average and if you add nothing, someone else will have to put on 30 pounds. Averages can be so brutal.

Anyway, while you all are gaining weight, we here at FCN will be...gaining weight. We will also be on vacation. That’s right, over the next four weeks, all the way until December 31st, the FCN staff will be enjoying Christmas, recharging and doing everything other than posting FCN.

Don’t get us wrong. This isn’t a soul-searching, mid-life crisis, too much wampum kind of vacation. We aren’t taking time off to work on our yoga and eat yogurt in our Volvos (or should we say Priuses?) We won’t come back with a bunch of adopted refugee kids or melanoma inducing tans. We aren’t taking an extended, Vanessa Milanoesque voyage that ends only when the next one starts.

What we will do is leave FCN undisturbed for four weeks, punctuated only by whatever happens to seep out. And since our mental filters aren't very strong, you can pretty much count on something getting posted over the next month. But we're not committing to any regular content.

The FCN that greets you on the New Year is the same one that is leaving you now, plus 27 days and approximately 45 pounds. So go, eat your food and be merry. And come back when we do. Please?

11 comments:

Christopher Yerziklewski said...

"Averages can be so brutal" Haha! That was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I'm never coming back again.

200 said...

At least you made this announcement on a Monday...that way I will now be depressed all week, thanks to you. No birds or butterflies after reading this post.

But I suppose you guys need to have lives too. Just this once. Enjoy your Christmas.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Quick, Mommy G, cut off the brownies!

Adrialien said...

This post would have been very funny if it wasn't the bearer of such bad tidings! As it was, I could barely laugh at all!

sour cream said...

* shrug * you guys will be able to get over it. Eventually curiosity will bring EVERYBODY back. Including you, anonymous. That's a very um...what's the word...hasty conclusion? something like that. You won't be able to resist coming back. @200: do you think if these guys had lives they would have this blog?

you can call me batman said...

Crud. I keep on checking for new posts. this could be bad. Merry Christmas, FCN!

trevor said...

I have not commented yet because I was afraid that I would break the window if I read this post again. I wish you a halfhearted merry Christmas, and post again at the New Year!

Jesse said...

All that stuff about weight...I don't think averages work that way...I thought you guys were not really big on the whole "Christmas" thing...

Anna said...

Can't you break averages? It can be done, you don't always have to follow along. :)

Yes, Christmastime is not Lent. They're two separate things, besides, I'm not Catholic.

guitarbob (hates rFCN) (merry christmas)(i have a very long name)(so there!!!) said...

I'm gonnna die!!!! nooooo!!!!, oh well, at least there's rFCN, jk, i would never do that. Merry Christmas!