What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Etiquette Monday: How to Never Leave the House

Some days, you just don't want to get up out of bed. And if you must get out of bed, you just want to sit in front of the TV or the computer and chill. Eat some junk food, read some FCN, take a little nap. Don't do laundry or dishes or open the shades.

And sometimes, this urge can stretch on into the next day. And the next week.

There's nothing wrong with that. But unfortunately, your friends and relatives will start getting concerned about you and/or try to make you "snap out of it and start living again." Here are some handy tactics to keep that from happening.

The Power Surge

Update your Facebook status to: "[Your Name] lost cell phone and computer in power surge. Everything is down until my next paycheck!" It is imperative that you do not sign into chat, answer email or your phone, or text until you're ready to resurface.

The Family Emergency

Engage in luxuriously sporadic online/communication activity. When you do, preface every email with "Sorry about the delay. I'm in the middle of a family crisis." Preface every text with "cant talk family issues." Be prepared to explain yourself to any family members that ask what's up. The two easiest explanations: it's personal, i can't tell you yet.

The Dutch Hermit

Go off the radar. If anyone asks, say you have asthma. If they say that's no excuse, get indignant and ask if they have asthma. If they don't have asthma, point out that they couldn't possibly understand what you're going through. If they do have asthma, say they must not have a severe case like yours or they would know better than to say such things.

The Decepticon Attack

Send a strange, out-of-character email to everyone in your address book with a link to a suspicious website. A few hours later, send out another email apologizing. Say that you've been hacked and you're not sure how bad it is yet. When you subsequently go off the radar, no one will wonder why.

The Picasso

Lock your doors, shut your windows. Set your Facebook status to: "[Your Name] is having a burst of GENIUS!" Play classical music as loudly as possible by your front door. When you leave your hermitude and people ask you what happened, say it's not quite ready to reveal to the world yet but you'll show them in due time. Eventually everyone will forget it happened. This method can be repeated but not too often, or people will demand proof of your genius.

The Charitable Vacation

Lock your house up firmly. Tell everyone you're going to Congo to help dig wells to help send starving impoverished african children with cancer and AIDS to college. Don't ever leave your house or move near an open window until your "return."

The Sesame Void

Invite everyone you know to a Sesame Street Marathon at your house. With more than four solid months of programming that none of your friends want to watch, you won't have any trouble explaining your following absence.

The Silent Treatment

Use gmail. Program the following autoreply, to be used on all incoming emails:

"It's obvious this is going nowhere. I'm not speaking to you until you sort yourself out."

When you come out of hiding, act as if nothing has happened. If anyone asks about it, raise your eyebrows and say: "Let's not discuss it right now."

There you have it! Your very own passport to your very own undisturbed backyard. Got any more ideas on how to stay away from society? Comment away!


Rachel said...

So what if you live at home still??? Most of these don't work well in that situation.

Kat said...

Err, how would you update your Facebook status if your computer and phone were down?