It is earth shattering good news. Science has moved closer to putting pig lungs in humans. Okay, some may argue that my sister already has pig lungs, because in every conversation she hogs the dialog; thus, in her amazing way, she is once again ahead of the curve…but I digress.
Today we can already choose from pig heart valves, tomorrow will be the breakthrough for pig lung transplants. Hey, someday Wilbur can give up his kidney for a good cause (too bad, Charlotte) and eventually many other pig parts can become spare human parts.
Got bunions? We got pigs feet.
We interrupt this post for a previously scheduled prank phone call:
Butcher: “Hello?”
Bored Brat:“Hey, do you have pig’s feet?”
Butcher: “Yes."
Bored Brat: “Well, wear shoes and no one will notice!”
I am sure there will be ethical questions arising from this muddied issue. At what point in the process of pig part accumulation does one, no matter what race and color, become the “other white meat?”
Where do one's voting rights end and animal rights begin? Should humans made up of hog parts even have voting rights?
Oh, I forgot about our political leaders – of course pigs have voting rights, just look at all the pork going around Washington lately.
I'll go ahead and admit it right now. If it weren't for my brothers, I'd have no clue how to relate to guys. I'd also be much more uptight and organized. But let's face it... they've changed my life. I'd like to give you a little picture of what my life is like.
White-Out is, in fact, quite permanent, but can be removed from skin with a generous amount of gasoline.
When inserted into a light switch, bobby pins can cause large sparks to appear, but will cause a minimal amount of damage to your person.
Sleeping bags can create large amounts of static electricity when they are ridden down a flight of stairs.
When children are given handcuffs, even play ones, it is wise to keep one of the keys in a safe place. Chances are, you'll need them later, and you'll be glad you kept them.
Do not tie a rope around your waist when jumping off a roof. Your mom will freak out about possible strangulation hazards.
"Magic Erasers" (Thank you Mr. Clean!) can usually remove permanent marker artwork from glass and antique wood. However, walls and carpet are a completely different story.
Even washable markers love flat paint.
Moms don't like silly putty. Carpet does.
Never forget to put flour in your cookie dough. Ever.
Regular table salt will stay in your hair for a while, it sticks to your scalp and can get a little itchy.
When launching water balloons out a second story window using a heavy-duty two-person slingshot, (boy is this fun!) make sure you clear the house of the across-the-street neighbor. That way, even though your mom will be mad, your dad will be so impressed that you'll get off pretty easily.
Stuffed animals placed on the blades of a ceiling fan can fly for long distances. It really is fun, just make sure you secure any breakables within a 30 ft. radius.
If all the kids in your family change places at a restaurant, the waitress really won't appreciate it.
Especially if you repeat the process every 5 minutes.
Don't keep a journal. No matter how often you change the hiding spot, it WILL be found.
If you try hard enough, it is possible to convince certain siblings that a major holiday has been cancelled for the year. Don't do this in front of your parents.
Large stereo systems and cranky neighbors do not mix.
Do not use anything living as a football. Especially a sibling.
"Lifetime" plastic folding tables make great slides, and also make you a walking talking shocking machine. Beware of touching any metal objects for at least 15 minutes.
When using Nerf guns:
Do not shoot your mom while she's talking on the phone. Especially when she's on the phone with your dad.
If you decide to shoot chandeliers, and the bullet sticks, don't worry. It will come down in a few days. Don't bother shooting other bullets at it to knock it off. And don't make a smiley face with the bullets either.
If you lick the bullets to make them stick better, they will leave a smudge mark on glass.
War movies are 10 times better when you can use a Nerf gun to shoot the enemy on the screen.
When having a Nerf gun war, ask younger siblings (the ones that aren't allowed to participate) to spy for you. This will make your enemies mad, so only do it when you have little risk of getting caught.
The bullets that come with the "Sniper" Nerf guns leave a mark on skin even when used from a distance, and at close range, it can be quite painful.
Never aim a Nerf gun at your own face. I have seen many people make this mistake. You never know when it is loaded, and apparently it really hurts when you get shot from 6 inches away. Not only does your face hurt, your pride is severely damaged.
I have a problem with red milk. I could care less about most iterations of cow's milk. I drink the stuff white, off-white and clear. I drink milk from Caucasian cows and I drink milk from African-American cows. I drink milk with enzymes and I drink it without enzymes. I drink milk from obese cows, milk from skinny cows and milk from the cows who are undecided about their weight. I drink milk with eggs added and milk with eggs and courage added.
