What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Todd's Eye

Todd gets up at his normal heure de reveil ("oh, way too early"), grabs his razor (the comfort of five blades, the precision of one) and heads to his bathroom. Along the way, he notices in his full length bedroom mirror that sleep has tussled his hair and puffed his face (like Jon Heder not Nick Diaz). Todd makes a mental note to spend more time in the shower with the various cremes in his possession remedying these conditions.

Razor in hand, Todd walks into his bathroom and looks at his reflection in the mirror. You know, he thinks, sleepiness aside, I look pretty dang good. Todd turns his head slowly while maintaining eye contact with his reflection, and looks at his hair and jaw lines, admiring the solid strength and feeling more confident in his appearance. He moves his hair to the side, combing it slightly with his hands while continuing to stare at the mirror. Dang good.

Out comes shaving cream and on goes razor. Sharp blades make contact with hair just above the surface of the skin, easily cutting off twenty-four hours of keratinized growth. Todd uses short quick motions and manipulates his facial features to give the razor uninhibited access. And while he shaves, Todd looks in the mirror.

Mentally Todd compares his visage with that of famous contemporary and historical figures. He imagines what his chin would look like covered with a scruffy black
Abraham Lincoln goatee or a nose like Frances I's. Maybe I would look better with Ben Stiller eyebrows. Todd visualizes the effect of a facelift and tries to pinpoint the impact his eyes have on his overall appearance.

Todd notices some hairline acne and mentally kicks himself for not being more liberal with the face wash. Fortunately the effect minimal and doesn't detract from my overall good looks.

The shower awaits, so Todd sets down his shaving system, pulls off his sleeping attire and hops beneath a flow of steaming hot water. Apply the shampoo, lather it in...

Todd is struck by an idea. What if I had a jaw more like Brad Pitt's? Todd tries hard to imagine what the overall impact such a change would have on his appearance. He can't. Todd is unable to visualize his face, much less his face with Brad Pitt's jawline.

More curious than ever, Todd exits the still running shower and walks in front of the bathroom mirror. To his surprise and disappointment, Todd discovers the bathroom mirror has been fogged over from the shower steam such that the surface is no longer reflective.

Todd leaves the bathroom and goes into his room to use the full length mirror. There Todd stands for several seconds, looking at his dripping wet features and heavily lathered hair. Todd suddenly realizes how ridiculous he looks and returns to the shower to continue washing. A moist circle remains on the carpet of his room.

On his way to work, Todd checks his car mirrors often, more to look at himself than to check traffic.

Todd goes out to lunch with an old friend. He notices his reflection in his glass and looks forward to see how the hours have treated his visage. Todd's friend pretends not to notice the show of vanity, but inwardly she is hurt by Todd's implicit message that his face is more interesting than her conversation.

If Todd were to think about his actions, he would probably feel some remorse. He doesn't want to hurt his friend's feelings. He is just really interested in his own face.
I am the kind of man who can appreciate beauty and what's so wrong with admiring what God gave?

In fact, why is the girl in front of him not more engrossed in her own features? They certainly aren't comely; she should be checking herself out all the time. What gives her the right to criticize me when she probably does the same thing when she is alone? Is she insecure in her beauty?

Todd sits alone at his dinner table and feels the uncomfortable weight of solitude as a suffocating force. He needs company. A small mirror propped up by a stack of books allows Todd to look at himself while he eats. He no longer feels alone.

"When with rebukes You correct man for iniquity, You make his beauty melt away like a moth; Surely every man is vapor. Selah"
~Psalms 39:11

15 comments:

adrialien said...

somethin' tells me that Bible verse *isn't* in proverbs ;P

Your egotistical friend said...

Sounds like someone either read "The portrait of Dorian Gray" or is subconciously plagiarizing it.. *grins* If you haven't read that book yet, you should! It's by Oscar Wilde..
"Self love is the beginning of a life long romance."

Mommy g said...

Reminds me of a song by Randy Stonehill in which he sings about loving himself so much he "kissed himself with his own two lips."

you can call me batman said...

somebody was insecure in their beauty... not thinkin' it was the girl, though. (P.S. you kept on switching off between "Todd" and "me" throughout the article. who are you talking about?)

Ally Pie said...

Maybe the lunch date is a good indicator of why you had to eat dinner alone...

Anonymous.Onlooker said...

uhh... I think you guys mean Psalm 39:11, not Proverbs...

But otherwise, great post! Though I fail to see how this is "funny"...

Chris Y said...

That was not funny at all guys.

mumble's the word said...

It doesn't have to be funny. "Gazing at a Piece of Meat" wasn't funny, either.
I like it, and agree with you can call me batman.

Anonymous said...

Wow. That was truth and humor movingly combined. Fantastic.

jdb said...

If anyone knows this "Todd" guy, you oughta warn him that someone is following him way too closely. Obviously Todd is not a JB type or he would catch on right away.

A City in Germany said...

I think Todd might enjoy the attention.

guitarbob said...

i love it. yeah, its like gazing at a piece of meat: not neccisarily funny, but still great

rhb said...

A nice, modern retelling of the Greek myth, Narcissus.

diddy said...

so which one is it? A plagiarized Dorian Gray, a Randy Stonewall song or a Greek myth?

great post, guys...

big mo said...

you're so vain
you probably think this post is about you.
you're so vain
you probably think this post is about you
don't you?
don't you?