What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Three on one with Mike Huckabee

Unsatisfied by our previous encounters with various presidential candidates, we followed the advice of our esteemed readers and tracked down the personal email address of Mike Huckabee. Note that this is not very easy to acquire. Uncle Wally broke a sweat over the keyboard and ended up getting the keys wet. We blew a fuse and had to go to the computer lab to continue working.



A transcript of the email conversation follows:



From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee
MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 9:17 AM
Subject Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Dear Mike (We hope you don't mind if we call you Mike):

We write for the humor blog FunnyClassNotes.Com and are seeking a candidate worthy of endorsement. We have a readership of eleven and counting and are set to take over cyberspace by the the spring of 79062826 AD. Are you interested? If so, we'd like to ask you a few questions.

Write back.

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee
MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 11:42 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

Hey guys. I remember one of my staff members mentioning your blog awhile ago. Great to hear from you.

I'm very interested in your endorsement and can't wait to get started. Ask away!

Mike

PS. I don't mind you calling me Mike. Everyone else does. I don't even know what it's short for anymore.




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee Date Sep 12, 2007 11:46 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: That's exciting! Who mentioned us? Was it complimentary?

Here's your first question: Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform, once called you a "serial tax increaser." What do you say to that?

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:13 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

It was Stacy who used to work at the campaign regional office headquarters in California. She was trying to explain her nervous breakdown and subsequent hospitalization.

Ah, yes. Norquist. I never was much of a fan of his. Well, I may be a bit of a tax booster. I mean, when I was Governor of Arkansas the state payroll increased twenty percent and our general debt increased by a billion dollars. People focus on things like that and call me irresponsible. Like those rats at the Cato Institute, who had the nerve to give me an F grade for spending and tax policy. People like to focus on the costs, but they ignore the benefits. When my service as Governor was over, the state of Arkansas had a one billion dollar surplus. That's results. That's clear, empirical proof that my constituents were being well served.

And don't worry about taxes when I'm President. I signed the PTPPPATR.

Keep the questions coming. This is fun.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:20 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: Sorry to hear about Stacy. I'm sure it was one of the other two contributors that made her snap, if that's any comfort.

What's the PTPPPATR? It sounds tasty.

There's always been a flurry surrounding your stance on immigration. What's your vision exactly and how will you act to bring it reality as president?

The FCN Team




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 4:13 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

Um - that doesn't really comfort me at all. Earth to FCN. I have no idea who's who. It's an anonymous blog. Hello.

It stands for the Presidential Taxpayer Protection Pledge of Americans for Tax Reform. Try to keep up with the acronyms.

I'm glad you asked about immigration because it's one I have very strong feelings about. I'm all for sealing the border, but when it comes to people who are actually here, I think it's ridiculous the way we're behaving. It's like: "You broke the law, so now we're coming down on you like a ton of bricks." It's shameful, really. Instead of being malicious toward these people, we need to shake hands with them. We need to make friends with them. We need to realize that these are people just like you and me. There's nothing that makes us any more American than them, besides maybe the fact that we're Americans. To think that these people are unable to obtain government benefits like Federal Aid simply because they don't pay taxes is unthinkable. It's unchristian. And it's bad politics.
Let's melt ourselves down into the pot of diversity.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 6:38 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

Mike: Well, I can't help you much there, except to say that I'm not one of those other two guys.

So, it sounds like you support amnesty? Is that correct?

What do you think of your odds of victory?

The FCN Team





From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 13, 2007 11:02 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

I really don't think you get it. I don't know who I'm talking to.

I absolutely do not support amnesty. Amnesty is a big taboo word up on the hill. I'm very careful to say that I oppose amnesty to illegals. It's just that I want them to be welcomed into the country, which is hardly the same thing. Hardly.

After all, if we can't reach out to minorities (by which I mean illegals), the GOP doesn't stand a chance in the next election. Minorities want foreign work. They want the illegals who are already here to get stamped. If we give them that, the Dems won't know what hit them. They'll be all: "What hit us?" and they won't know.

Well, I placed second in the Iowa straw poll back in August right behind Romney, who we all know is going to lose steam any day now. I mean, the guy doesn't stand a chance. He's a Mormon, for crying out loud. Haven't you been reading the news about the FLDS? That's almost the same thing as the LDS. Please. Romney? Pschaw.

Mike




From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 13, 2007 11:41 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com

All due respect, but I think you're the one who doesn't get it. I don't know how to make this clearer. I'm the trustable contributor. Why can't you believe me?

You mentioned Romney, but how about some of the other front runners like Giuliani and McCain?

You've worked hard to associate your image with health advocacy. Back in 2003, the New York Times said of your 110-pound weight loss: "It was as if he simply unzipped a fat suit and stepped out." You've run in marathons, you won the AARP Impact Award ... can you tell us a little about how this relates to your candidacy, if at all?




From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 15, 2007 1:41 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com

This is ridiculous. I don't have to keep listening to this drivel. I don't even think you're making an effort to understand me. Forget this. Forget this interview. Forget your stupid blog. Forget Giuliani. Forget McCain. Forget minorities. I have nothing more to say to you.

Except go read my book, Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork. That'll answer most of your questions. The remaining questions can be answered by good acne medication. Now stop emailing me.

Mike




Obviously, we really couldn't walk away from this experience ready to give Mike Huckabee a glowing endorsement. We liked his positions, sort of. But that temper of his! Wow. We can't believe the way he treated us. What a politician! We get a little warm under the collar just thinking about it. What an overreactor.

So, the search goes on.

5 comments:

you can call me batman said...

You guys are hi-tech now, can't you IM or call instead of emailing back and forth (makes things a lot easier to read)? Or maybe, if you're feeling like a total genius, try the telegraph...lol

Christopher Yerziklewski said...

I like the interviews you guys do. They are some of your funniest articles. Good job.

adrialien said...

how old is huckabee, anyways? he looks pretty young...

Guitarbob said...

i thought illegals were a majority :/
lol

Anonymous said...

you should interview hillary...