FCN Classic: Free Sierra Mist

That's right. All of those cans, boxes and bottles read as "Free" Sierra Mist. Yet Sierra Mist "Free" (made by PepsiCo) costs 40 cents a can. Even if you twist the definition, the soda is not without cost. That's why some people say that the "free" slogan is a bunch of bull. When we first saw Sierra Mist, we got the sudden urge to give you all a slice of our thoughts. The three of us over here at FCN don't feel we have the time to be tricked, and while we don't want to bark up a storm, this is blatant false advertising. In fact, we consider the folks at PepsiCo almost as deceptive as the witch who tricked Snow White. Their mothers must be ashamed.

Some people say this isn't deceptive; we think that's just gay! Yoo Hoo! Any smart person can see that Sierra Mist "Free" isn't free! A cow could win the argument against this one. Not only is Sierra Mist "Free" expensive, but you have to pay for gas to go to a store on top of Pepsi's list price. With fuel over three dollars a gallon, the visit to the supermarket alone is expensive.

The people at Sierra Mist's advertising department may think this is all very fine and pretty, but we don't. Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper noted in their scholarly paper, "Big, Bossy, Beverage Companies", that the new Sierra Mist is anything but free. Fitz, the truck driver said, "It ain't free, if it ain't free". Martha Stewart, the maid, told us she thinks it is unfair. My dad's take on all this is that if free doesn't mean free, frogs might as well be dogs. Hank the janitor doesn't like it either.

The guy who started string of lies deserves a fat lip. This deception is a spot on PepsiCo's record. We need to keep a tab on these kinds of practices, otherwise there might be a big surge in false advertising. We must have an iron fist and stop this.

Businesses that have a lot of pep, see a lot profits. But companies export their ideas to others and spread the word. We all know that companies feel obligated to "keep up with the Jones", and that once one business starts cheating, others will follow the lead. This is because most businesses don't want other companies to get ahead in sales. If this happens, they will have lost. But we will not let these monsters (wink) win.

So here's our plan to get at the core of the problem. We think the deceptive cans of Sierra Mist "Free" should all be hung by wires and packed into a vault. Next, we will shoot the cans with M5 machine guns. Then we will reload the guns, change the batteries, and shoot the cans again. After that, we will crush, hit, kick and beat the shards. Then we will put whatever is left in an incinerator and light it on fire. We will take the remains and throw them to the fish in the sea. Then everything will be ok.

We don't want to give them a bad rep, but if the soda companies are booed, so be it. Businesses like PepsiCo do not have the right to do this. They are just tangoing with trouble. If we don't stop these companies, it will just be another trouble mountain. Do you want that to happen? Our plan is no hype. We need a boost in supporters and lots of aid for our full plan to work. Fans of FCN, please join our club and our relentless fight against false advertising.