Yesterday, diplomats of North Korea and the civilized world approved a first draft of a plan to disarm the country's nuclear weapons program. FCN was all over that one. We called up the North Korean embassy and managed to book an appointment with KimJongIl early this morning. A transcript of the interview follows.
FCN: Thanks so much for agreeing to talk to us.
KimJongIl: Been a long day.
FCN: I'm sure it has been. Let's talk about that. What was the tone of yesterday's negotiations?
KimJongIl: Desperate. I say desperate. We drop nuke from high place onto tiny village. Glow very big, but my sunglasses bigger. Now America say: we don't want to get spanked like tiny village. We want to keep San Fransisco, because it have tasty clam chowder!
FCN: So, you have the upper hand in these negotiations?
KimJongIl: Of course. Otherwise why talk at all? Build more nukes. Build, build, build! Boom!
FCN: Why did you start building nukes in the first place?
KimJongIl: American army ready to invade from south. So we build nukes. Now America too scared to attack.
FCN: So, nukes are just one part of the defenses?
KimJongIl: Oh, yes, many defenses all over Korea. I visionary leader. I work hard to save my starving people.
FCN: We're told that conscription and taxation are so heavy, they've caused economic collapse.
KimJongIl: Yes, yes! That how visionary I am. I do anything for my country - even starvation.
FCN: That's inspiring.
KimJongIl: You think? So do my concubines.
FCN: There have been diplomatic talks for decades about your nuke program. What makes you think this one will work?
KimJongIl: They cause much starving, many poor people. But they not work. I visionary leader. My resolve not break!
FCN: I notice you keep talking about America. What about the other countries in the talks?
KimJongIl: Other countries?
FCN: Like China, South Korea ...
KimJongIl: That ridiculous. You Americans so funny! [laughs]
FCN: Assistant Secretary of State Chris Hill said: “Three yards, three yards, three yards — and then it’s always fourth and one.” Do you consider that an accurate evaluation of negotiations at this point?
K imJongIl: No! That American propaganda. America not make three yards. Korea blitz American quarterback! They lose three yards every time. Now it fourth and nineteen. They try make field goal, but it no good. Then it our ball. We build, build, build! Boom!
FCN: So, you're not optimistic about an agreement?
KimJongIl: I say I have message for San Fransisco clams.
FCN: What is it?
FCN: Thanks so much for your time. We know you're busy.
KimJongIl: Yes, very busy. Build, build, build! I go now.