FCN Classic: Q&A with curious guys

FCN is always open to answering your questions. We'll put our team of highly trained delinquents on any problem, query or concern that crosses your mind, and even a few that don’t. Below, we have a series of questions from curious guys who never quite got a satisfactory answer from other humor blogs.

Question: Why is it that middle age people often joke about their age but generally old folks never touch the subject?
~Joseph, Omaha, KS.

Answer: The same reason any joke gets old (pun intended). When a person starts getting on in his years and realizes the grave isn’t in the too distant future, he tries to hide his fear by making jokes. The jokes don’t make them any younger; they just help relieve the pressure of their coming demise. Then, as that eternal phone call in the horizontal telephone booth becomes as eminent as a Democrat’s tax increase, the joke stops being funny. It’s probably still funny to you, Joseph, because you are a young guy with many good years ahead of you. Realize these old codgers have intense pressure to stop making age jokes; whenever they are at the country club and let rip with a “boy, these legs just don’t want to walk anymore” line, they are greeted with horrified stares. Sometimes those jokes can cause the management to suspend the membership of a truly egregious joker. So generally really old people stay quiet about their age.

Question: Why do most married couples engage in all sorts of really intimate behaviors including mouth to mouth kissing but insist on using their own toothbrush?
~ Ike, Carbondale, Ill.

Answer: Cooties. It really is a shame, too, since using the same toothbrush can be a great way to get closer as a married couple. Can you imagine the romance in gathering around the bathroom sink and removing each other’s plaque with the same utensil? Mutual brushing, as this practice is called by people in the therapy industry, is a great way to help couples who are on the rocks get realigned.

Question: Why is it that the more expensive a piece of clothing is, the more quickly it wears out?
~ Blythe, San Francisco, CA.

Answer: You know Blythe, that really hasn’t been our experience. A 2-3 dollar shirt (the bottom end of our price range) usually tends to be pretty flimsy, while a really expensive 10-15 dollar garment tends to last a lot longer. You can also wear the more expensive shirt for greater intervals between washing. At all the stores we shop, you get your money’s worth.

Question: Why is it that people stare at me when I wear white socks with dark clothes and shoes?
~ Trevor, Colorado Springs, CO.

Answer: That’s a question that has bugged us a lot, too. We honestly don’t have an answer, but we picked your question to highlight a major injustice in today’s fashion. We’re white, we wear white undershirts, have white bellies, etc. But for some reason, society says we have to wear dark socks. This stipulation totally destroys any individualism we might otherwise be able to express and turns us into dark clothed, zero imagination zombies. This much we do know: people stare because they have been ingrained with the lie that white socks are taboo. The average person is scolded by his mother when only a prepubertal babe and scared into believing that white is somehow morally wrong. When they see free spirits like us choosing not to be tied down by color distinctions, that whole episode of their lives is reopened and they are forced to relive their painful maternal rejection. Sympathy for others is about the only reason we can think of to avoid white socks.

Question: With all the craze over paternity tests, why don’t curious kids insist on maternity examinations as well?
~ Richard, Anaheim, CA.

Answer: All it takes is one look at the Maury or Jerry Springer shows to notice that no one questions maternity these days. They should though. Anyone who doubts their paternal lineage should reserve similar suspicion for their mother. Think about it: any woman with a paunch could claim to be the mom. It wouldn’t be that hard either; the devious woman would sneak the biological mom a significant cash amount and then jump into the delivery bed and pretend to be in pain. The substitution wouldn’t even have to be devious; all babies look alike at birth and with the myriad of mistakes hospitals make, parents really don’t know that the kids they take home are really theirs. Few are willing to admit this fear and most try to cover it by cooing “oh, s/he looks so much like you” to their spouse. Instead of these common-place “you are not the father!” routines, shows like Maury and Springer’s should bring in kids who don’t think their mom really is. That’d mix things up a bit.

As always, if you have a question for our FCN staff, feel free to email it us. That’s funnyclassnotes – at – gmail – dot – com.