Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, androgynies and undecideds:
FCN has officially expanded and, for once, we aren't talking about our waistlines. After much hee-hawing, negotiating and threats, we managed to get a brand new writer to agree to join our team. It was our Bannister moment, our scaling of Everest and life accomplishment. Yes, faithful few, with this accolade to pin to our collective vest and dust nightly, we have nothing further to accomplish. We have climbed the ladder, sailed the sea and pumped the gas. This is, without a doubt, the third proudest moment in FCN history (behind, of course, the naissance of rFCN and our 366th post). But enough hype. Today we welcome into our fold our fourth contributor, Chip, as an official member of the FCN team.
Rather than pontificate on the credential and caliber of our new member - an activity we will leave for y'all in the comment section - we devote the remainder of this self-aggrandizing post to a first person account from the one and only Chip:
Hello all. I am Chip. No need to get up, I'll just make myself comfortable. Thank you. Tea with lemon, please. And a scone, if you have one. I am proud of my name. You could say I am one off the old block, except that the old block is just a pack of derelicts anyway, which is not much to speak of, and I am in fact a delinquent, which is even less to speak of and not something I would want to make the old block responsible for. That's a silly pun anyway. Besides, I share my name with my favorite food, a happy coincidence that has contributed both to my delinquency and my belt size. You could say I'm a potato Chip, not a micro Chip. Only, don't.
Having been honored with permanent FCN status, the least I can do is offer a few suggestions regarding how to solve the havoc I've caused. You are aware of course that FCN is an acronym, not only for the original contributors’ names, but for the title of their website. Funny Class Notes. That is a clever, descriptive appellation that fits nicely into a url. Unfortunately, my arrival upsets the equilibrium. What should the new name be? Funny Class Note Chips (FCNC)? Chipped Funny Class Notes (CFCN)? Funny Chip Class Notes (FCCN)? Funny Class Chip Notes (FCCN)? Class Chip Notes Funny (CCNF)? Class Funny Notes Fun Chip Ssalc Seton Pich Class Ynnuf Ynuff Ynuff! (CFNFCSSPCYYY!)?
I don’t know about you, but all of these seem to miss the sweet spot - like Jessica Simpson's "music." So my proposal is this: Keep the name as it is, but in your heart, in that bosom place that we just don't talk about at parties, think of my visage as the figurehead of FCN. They have the name, but I've got the face. That will uphold both the site’s prestigious name and the dignity of yours truly. Not that I am blessed with any great reserve of dignity—but I would appreciate the gesture, all the same.
Plus, my mom always told me I was a handsome man. Maybe I can improve on the current looks of the FCN team.
As homage to me and as a way to make up for not including my name in the blog's title, I ask that my fellow contributors use the word "Chip" at least four times in every post, as well as in the exact middle of every post. Doing so would increase post size by exactly 0.5% on average, or if they so choose, reduce the effort of writing a post of normal length by the same percentage. You see, I usually write posts about 800 words long. Adding four instances of “Chip” would make it possible to increase my word count by four, which is 0.5% of 800. Thank you, I actually used a calculator, so it wasn't that impressive. Still, it's pretty cool that I know that. And now you know that. Of course, the advantage would not be so pronounced for prolific (and insanely verbose, if you ask me) writers like C, who always spits out more than a thousand words unless he’s scrimping for his Pacifican posts, or for the writer of the Desperate Student serial novel which is reportedly projected at current rates to end up thicker than Queen Latifah.
Besides, if the middle word of every post were “Chip,” you as readers would know when you were half done with the post, and you could conveniently skip the rest or keep going, depending on the wittiness of the content. You'd risk missing the epic conclusion, but you would probably also miss all the after-inspiration rambling that goes on when the main impetus of a sickly post has been expended. And you could get through more CFNFCSSPCYYY posts at one sitting.
And so with this simple recommendation, I happily accept my new position. I would like to thank the great folks at FCN for making this all possible. Also my second grade writing teacher, who always ripped up my doodles and corrected the spelling of my name. And my little sister, who gave me my cynical, sarcastic streak of humor. Of course, I could not close this post without mentioning In-N-Out Burger, the ultimate fast food chain. I don't know why I'm mentioning them, but I feel like I'm giving an Oscar acceptance speech and that justifies a lot of nonsense. Nor should I fail to express my gratitude to my pet poodle who died two years ago but who still inspires me today, and to my wonderful fellow citizens throughout the state. In fact, if it weren’t for humanity itself, I wouldn’t be here. Thank you all! I love you! I hope you enjoy FCN as much as I do!