The following was sent in by a verbose reader:
Yesterday I was walking in a field. I thought to myself 'Hm. Perhaps I have struck upon something brilliant.' and then I thought to myself 'Maybe not' I carried on this way for some time, until finally I said out loud "Dash it all I think I have." and I did. An idea had snuck its way into my head while I wasn't looking. It was, without a doubt, the most brilliant thought of this age. My head nearly exploded. "My good sir, you have it" I said to myself. I thought 'without a doubt' and 'most assuredly' and other helpful thoughts which raised my spirits and granted me confidence that my idea, my brain child was truly brilliant. I even thought that to myself. 'Brilliant'
You may wonder to yourself 'What possibly could have entered his mind?' or 'Did he find a new way to boil water?' or some such unhelpful thought. No matter how hard you think though, you will never strike upon it. I struck upon it in a moment of unbridled mastery. I controlled the elements while I looked at a butterfly and wondered to myself 'How' and 'Perhaps not' and 'Just as I thought it was' and other helpful thoughts. Now you may wonder, 'what in the world does a
butterfly have to do with anything?' this thought is most unhelpful and I will consequently pretend it wasn't said. I will also ignore the butterfly.
Now we come to the point of this manifesto. Laughter. Yes, I thought that when I thought it as well. When I thought laughter that is. We can put that in the same category where the butterfly is and forget about it. My thought was beyond such childish, dreamlike sensibilities of flowers, butterflies, laughter and great big men with red beards. But I digress. Even a mind as sharp as mine will wonder 'It is not so!' or 'But why not brown' or possibly 'Happenstance!' In fact, I
once spent an entire day wondering 'Why is it so?' and then 'Because it must be' and then 'What if it's not?' and then 'Perhaps you have a point' and then' You DO have a point' and then 'Dash it all I forgot what I was thinking' and then back to 'Why is it so' and so on. Finally I fell asleep and dreamed of birds eating pumpkins. Yes I know, it was THAT sort of dream.
Now we come to the essence of the manifesto. The thought. The inspiration. The core. The thesis. The catalyst of all thought as we know it in this great age. The theme. The purpose of this torrent of verbiage. My thought. I say that with some pride (I think to myself as I write this 'I did' and 'Quite so' and 'Didn't I' and 'Of course' and all sorts of other helpful thoughts) But parenthetical comments aside (Except for this one which reminds you not to fall asleep just yet), let me say what I came here to say.
But first, a description of the field. It was a nice sort of field. With flowers, and the butterfly we forgot about (the one we aren't going to talk about). And a man with a great red beard. I thought to myself at the time 'Norwegian?' and 'African?' and 'Asian?' and all sorts of other helpful thoughts. I think, in the end, that he was Spanish, or Portuguese. It really doesn't matter.
Now you may be thinking, 'Why am I reading this?' or 'What is the point?' or maybe 'Just as I thought!' or other unhelpful thoughts. I cannot stress enough that these thoughts are most counterproductive and must be put aside instantly! How can I think when your barrage of negative thoughts are constantly assaulting my cranium? All I can think of is 'Most unhelpful!' and 'Positively negative!' and other thoughts which in another circumstance would be helpful, but at the moment are more of a nuisance. I say again: Stop thinking such thoughts.
Here is the conclusion. The recap. Here we look at the brilliance that I have espoused in my first manifesto. I had an unparalleled thought, one even better than John Thornton's "Perhaps in the end it really is a cow:" or Mabel's "Three step biscuit." I couldn't put the thought on this page though. Perhaps in a later manifesto. When people are ready for it. I thought I might. I even thought 'I must' and 'Dare I?' and other helpful thoughts. However I cannot. For your own sake. My head almost exploded. I can't bear to think of what may happen to the minds of the younger readers of this fine work. Therefore I must say goodbye. I think I will. Goodbye.