What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.


Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008: A Year to Fit Between 2007 and 2009.


We interrupt your regularly scheduled FCN BC08 for your regularly scheduled New Year's posts.

Well, the year is over, as of 23:59:59 hours after this is posted.

It's been a good run. All kinds of things happened, which we will prove by fondly remembering them at this time, month by month.

JANUARY

Bush delivers a State of the Union address, which, unlike the one before it, focuses mainly on foreign affairs. He touches briefly on all the bad guys left in the world, such as democrats, and wonders aloud about amending the constitution to prevent them from holding office.

The democratic presidential race is shaken when the number 44 appears on Mr. O's forehead, presumably as an act of Some Vague Providential Being or Force that We All Believe In.

Bank of America buys Countrywide Financial and no one cares.

Hillary Clinton makes the memorable statement: "Boys are stupid."

FEBRUARY

Writer's Guild of America considers ending the strike and decides not to.

Mr. O rightfully calls himself: "The son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas, ordained to save America by all that is good in this world."

Bank of America's takeover of Countrywide Financial hits several snags related to the SRM Global Fund. Bank of America asks for a hug but doesn't get one.

A technical failure prevents BlackBerry users from accessing the interwebs for three hours. One of them exclaims: "I didn't know we had a pool!"

MARCH

US Yacht Club hosts America's Cup. This year, it proves to be the most exciting series of matchups in 157 years. In spite of this achievement, it remains even more boring than curling and snail racing combined.

In a suburban residence in Kansas, a fierce argument over the merits of Mac vs PC ensues.

Mr. O's pastor is revealed to have made some remarks which would have been very inappropriate coming from a white person. Mr. O makes a rousing speech which is instantly recognized as the greatest speech ever in the history of everything. A memorable excerpt: "I am not a black man first, and I am not an American Patriot first. In my mind, there is no difference between them."

A Rolling Stone staff writer invents the word "squeeb" and it doesn't catch on.

APRIL

Bank of America reports a 77% decline in earnings, which it blames on "those cheeky sniffing baboon nazis" at the SRM Global Fund.

F comes very close to getting a girlfriend but ends up playing Halo with the guys instead.

The IRS takes candy from a baby.

Scientists unearth the oldest human remains ever to be found in the Americas. Sophisticated dating equipment places the prehistoric fossil - which was apparently electrocuted by faulty wiring in a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner - at fourteen thousand years old.

Pope Benedict XVI visits Washington DC and urges every American to "do better."

MAY

Hugo Chavez refers to German Chancellor Angela Merkel as "Adolf Hitler without a mustache."

Bank of America/Citywide Financial announce that they will spend "the remaining 22%" on a Bankruptcy Prevention Fund. SRM Global is heard making sniggering noises.

Mr. O causes the sun to shine and the flowers to grow.

A disillusioned farm girl who went to Hollywood to make it big as an actress realizes they "just want me for my body."

JUNE

John McCain asks an aide: "Why are we campaigning in Barstow?"
To which the aide replies: "I'm not exactly sure."

A scientific breakthrough indicates that sandwiches made with bumblebee tuna are tastier than any other kind.

The UN tells Africa: "I don't care who started it. Both of you go to your room."

Virgin Galactic announces a "Race for Space," in which it will compete against itself.

N is invited to go backpacking in Europe. He turns down the offer because "the dollar is weak and I have homework to do."

JULY

Bank of America completes its purchase of Citywide Financial but forgets to get its credit card back. The bank calls later in the day to say it will swing by tomorrow to pick it up.

The release of the iPhone 3G renders MP3 players, gaming consoles, GPS devices, personal computers, telephones, hard drives, headphones, binoculars, webcams, crock pots, taking notes in class, saying I'm Sorry, the nation of Ukraine, and the Samsung Instinct obsolete.

James Cameron announces that he has discovered the lost kingdom of Atlantis. It ends up being a really dirty swimming pool.

The Dark Knight's opening weekend puts other movie's ticket sales into the negatives.

Mr. O releases a press statement saying: "Change We Can Believe In." The statement is true.

AUGUST

The glorious Russian Federation invades the Unworthy Nation of Georgia. The International Community says it was a good idea but wishes it had been consulted first.

Bank of America is subpoenaed for suspicious behavior while acquiring Citywide Financial. Share holders do a collective face palm.

The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, China grind to a halt halfway through after Michael Phelps wins all the gold medals. He celebrates by swinging his arms back and forth and having a brief romantic fling with the grandmother of one of the Chinese gymnastic athletes.

Mr. O announces that his presidential running mate will not be Hillary Clinton.

SEPTEMBER

ThePirateBay.Org, one of the most popular internet piracy websites, gets its name and logo stolen by a video streaming site. Says Pirate Bay: "Oh snap!"

Wall Street decides to take advantage of the total lack of supervision it's getting from the Federal Government by collapsing. Billions of dollars are lost. Says Wall Street: "That'll show you."

A screenshot of Activision's upcoming WWII shooter Call of Duty: World at War is released. Master Chief announces that this is "the happiest day of my life."

Wal-Mart wins the title: "Best Worst Very Valuable Business in a Bad Class." In its absence, Wal-Mart's cousin accepts the award.

McCain announces that his presidential running mate will be Tina Fey.

OCTOBER

Polling data indicates that the only danger now facing Mr. O's campaign is a sudden attack from alien dinosaurs.

Josh Groban mistakenly releases his Christmas CD "Noel" eleven weeks early.

Halloween is a lot less fun than everyone had been hoping.

Freelance Folder publishes 15 Key Elements All Top Web Sites Should Have. FCN has none of them.

NOVEMBER

Mr. O is elected King of the Universe. His first order: as punishment, George W. Bush is to serve three more months as President. Says Joe Biden: "Serves him right."

Improvements to Google's Android phone renders the iPhone 3G obsolete.

Bob Halpert announces he's tired of sweeping the porch. He wants to go inside and watch TV. He does.

Global Warming ends up not being a problem after all. Says Al Gore: "My bad. It was an honest mistake. I'll go back to whining about 2000 now."

DECEMBER

A small number of Americans cling to guns and religion.

The average expected income from stock investing drops below sleeping in, asking a rich uncle for one more chance, and getting a payday advance.

The release of Grand Theft Auto IV for Windows causes America to become immoral.

Digital switchover of TV signals yields $1.5 billion for the US Treasury. C insists he'll still be able to get a signal after the switch with patience and a little aluminum foil.

Hillary Clinton named by Mr. O as the new Secretary of State. Says Hillary: "Whatever man!"

4 comments:

you can call me batman said...

LOL!!! That's a good one.

anon person said...

DUDE! You were invited to go backpacking in EUROPE and you DIDN'T GO??? Are you ^&#$%^& STUPID?

Lauren H said...

That was really brilliant. I love it.

But I also agree with Anon Person.

Kat said...

You forgot my birthday.